True Lies 2

True Lies 2

by Jeff Eastin

FADE IN:

'

INT. KITCHEN OF A SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY A nice upper middle-class home in the

'Burbs.

The TV in the breakfast nook is playing "Our Man Flynt": James Coburn goes through some espionage goons while wisecracking about

it.

Helen, in a business suit, straps a compact Clock .40 to a thigh holster, a switch-blade to her hip, a small car.

of

mace between her breasts -- practicing a fast draw of it, getting it down to a science and the friction between her breasts to a minimum -- as Harry, wearing an apron all askew, changes an infant boy's diaper on the counter. Helen hears the toast pop up and takes it out — smoldering black. HELEN It's burnt Again How hard can it be for a man to make toast? You pop it in and you pop it out

Before

it's burnt HARRY Kind of like sex -- before menopause (quick apology) Which hasn't come yet — but you know you didn't want to have anymore on your own That's why we got Jonathon from the agency... Oh -- I told him

^

Sorry I'm trying to change a diaper

too

If I could just toast the diaper and butter the baby

I'd

be somebody...? Harry pops more slices in the toaster. Helen just notices the baby on the kitchen sink being diapered poorly by Harry. HELEN

Oh,

my God You do not — I repeat --do not change diapers or do any doodle work while you are making breakfast That's just not how it's done Now, did I ask you how to interrogate a counter-espionage agent. Did I? Huh (shakes his head: "No ") That's right It was clear to me As a woman who's argued the finer points of coupon shopping with many a reluctant retail clerk, you just have a feel for certain things And I picked it up before anybody schooled me on the fine-art of verbal harassment, okay But you ? Looking with disgust at his attempt to change the diaper, she finishes it for him, showing him up. He looks

^

disgruntled, trying to sneak a glance at the Coburn rr.cvie,

eatir.o

the burnt toast --

as

she butters the fresh

cr.^s.

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/*S»\

HARRY Why did we adopt "Little Harry" — Baby Jonathon — if you're not gonna help me? I mean, I love him with all my heart -- the son I dreamed of --but you're supposed to be Mommie too HELEN Did that

once.

Now it's your turn. With Dana out of the house for good, happily married, don't you think it's a wonderful opportunity now for you to live the life I; did for years while you were off jet-setting around the globe like Jim Bond? Hm? HARRY (gloating) I don't think I ever thought I was James Bond. Maybe Matt Helm... HELEN Of course — 'cause you weren't that good. Jimmy Bond rocks my world HARRY Hey What's so good about Bond

He gets

his partner killed almost every other movie. HELEN That's Dirty Harry. She points to their son reaching for a butcher knife, as though Harry should be on

this.

Harry picks up the boy and struggles with him with the knife, the boy's got a great grip — very silly. HELEN How can a man expect to be a well-rounded individual if he can't appreciate what the other half of the world goes through? HARRY Should I get pregnant

next?

HELEN I don't think that would

be a good idea...

Your hips are too narrow Wryly sizing him up, she smiles about the inside

joke.

The baby starts to

bawl.

Harry locks verv frustrated, putting

or

him over his shoulder, trying to burp

him

HARRY No wonder he's crying now He hears the tone you take with me — it's

disheartening

to the virgin male mind HELEN So what do

you

do? Do you throw a leg biock and spin him to the floor?

An"arm-bar

and choke the sobs out of him? You weren't around during this

phase,

remember? HARRY You're so ruthless about it. Like I'm a Soviet arms dealer.

Giasnost

HELEN "Tough love." Get used to it. You taught it to me It takes practice to practice what you preach. She moves to the corner and continues putting her body arsenal in piace while making a call on a

ceil

phone.

I ^

Albert

Gibson

knocks on the screen door, holding some donuts and junk food for Harry. ALBERT Hey, bud: I hit Seven Eleven first. We're in the pink For now HARRY (hushed) What are you doing here I'm meeting you at the warehouse at... (winks overtly) Hint hint. (to the baby) Coochy, coochy ALBERT Oh -- the, uh... surveillance of those Eastern-European Smugglers? We're called off it. Harry pulls out the second batch of toast — also burnt. HARRY {very upset, hushed) Who called it off? I got the sitter

cor.ir.g

over. We were supposed to be staked

cut

for a week

on

those

guys

or

Albert glances at Helen, "Um-hum"ing -- indicating she did. Harry frowns, kicking the screen door open, grabbing Albert inside and handing him the baby to take care of. HARRY (pleading almost)

Oh,

honey — now you can't take everything I live for away from me HELEN (to phone) On my way. Don't release any info until we debrief the Pentagon on the possible missile strike. Out. (to Harry)

You

live for this baby now -- and don't forget that. Priority One. I'll see what I can do about some desk work this week if you promise to use

HQ's

day-care center, okay? Harry pouts like a kid himself.

I

HARRY

» ^

Just because Trilby saw

fit

to give you just a slight promotion over us — HELEN

{correcting

him proudly) -- full authority over you as 1st Assistant to the Chief Information Officer. Correct? HARRY -- does not mean that you own me Correct? HELEN Ownership is a relative term. I'm sure you used it in reference to me when we were married — right? HARRY We still are married -- and I'm still the husband ALBERT Another relative term, I'm sure. Like family pet or recreational vehicle...? Helen casts a

sidewavs lock

at Gib.

or

tf ^

HELEN Or expendable side<ick who could be promoted to assistant to the First Assistant if he

sid~s

with... She's

bribing

Albert

t~>

side with her against Harry now,

fo:

kicks it

'--"ems.

Albei .

thinks it over. Harry

fumes

at him: HARRY What the hell does that mean? Are you gonna take a bribe like that ALBERT Sounds like she's got you by the short hairs at least, bud... you wanna tug any harder? Huh? Huh? It's gonna hurt HARRY It's my... hairstyle I've got to worry

about

ALBERT But I don't want

to

be stuck in metaphorical Siberia with ya while she exacts her feminine payback C'mon, let her promote me so I can tag along and watch her kick some foreign agent ass. Please...? Albert holds up the donuts as an appeasement to Harry. Harry looks seriously at Helen. HARRY Look -- I need to get out of the house once in awhile. I can't stay cooped up here all the time -- the most beautiful newborn baby in the world or not. Spying has been my

life,

Helen. I'm having post-Pentagon-partum depression HELEN And look what was mine, Harry Which was

more

important? Before you came out of the closet, I — HARRY — I wasn't in a closet Maybe a cabinet or two on occasion. A root cellar, a catacomb, a watcntower, a parapet, a storm-drain, an alcove, a do-chouse... But never a closet

or

/ *>

Xf^V.

HELEN (mainly to Albert mostly to see how he'll

respond)

What

do

you call your

husband

lying to his i.fe and daughter for fifteen years :

.t

what he really

does...?

Albert takes a gu p, then look- at Harry: he's on Helen's side now, standing up for her overtly -- and politically: ALBERT Yeah, I'd say he was in a closet A pretty deep and dark closet if you ask me. What were you doing in such a dungeon-like catacomb all those years when it's obvious your wife and child needed you, pal HARRY Keeping all your secrets Helen perks up, interested in that one, looking at Albert for an explanation. ALBERT Hey, I'm

on

your side He's just blowing' smoke up somebody's... something or other -- to change the subject, Helen Change the diaper, guy HARRY Okay, I was in the closet. But I'm out now and we're equal for the first time, right...? Partners HELEN Let's stick with the subject at hand: while in that closet living your little secret male fantasies at the government's expense — HARRY -- and saving the world on occasion HELEN I'll give you that. HARRY Thanks. Now can I put my medals back in the trophy case? It's not

gonna give

the boy a complex

or

ALBERT And really screwing up a few times

too.

'Member the time that Tibetan priest was reallv a serial bomber? We heard him

char:

_::g

in Pakistani or something in

^'--v;

mosque --- it sounded like a

re >cer

screwin7 a chicken, but it

wis

so poetic — and we almost got down on our hands and knees to join him when --HELEN (ominously to Albert) Stop while you're only immensely behind ALBERT (humbled) Only that far, huh? Yes, Ma'am. Your highness. Your holiness...? HELEN (almost motherly to Harry) While you spent all those years doing your thing, you missed the most important years of any adults

life:

those spent with the family. ALBERT {tentatively, of self) ... and loved ones...? HARRY You were with me everyday, idiot. Unfortunately ALBERT But not quality time 7-11, Mickey

D's

Hardly Kodak moments We never even won any of those damn promotional games HELEN (continues to Harry) Now you've got the chance to give back and learn what it's like to be the sole provider for another being's entire existence, their happiness and place in this world. She

coes

to the door to leave.

or

f**

1

HARRY

While

you

do...?

HELEN All that fun stuff you got off on C'mon, Deputy Dog We're

-onna

kick some secret agent butt

Ri t .,

ruff

Albert hands the baby back to Harry. Helen pats Gib's ass, goosing him -- reverse chauvinism.

iiib

screeches at Harry. ALBERT Yeehaw Sorry. You're grounded, not

me.

HARRY You dirty... ALBERT Don't say it in front of the child HARRY I'll spell it out then --ALBERT Don't bother — they can't understand A.S.S.H.O.L.E. yet.' Believe me, you're gonna learn that. Got enough Huggies? Gib scurries out the door, following Helen, who's half way down the path to the car in the drive. Harry follows, baby in his arms — but wanting to kick Gib right in the ass. HELEN Listen, you handle this week

well,

Harry, I'll think about pooling with you next week on my day off so you can help catalogue the crime scene on that chemical spill. It looked kind of suspicious -- maybe those trucks didn't actually overturn on their own in that hurricane You never know. There were forty thousand items on that

one.

That'll keep you busy, baby. Harry seethes. Gib's sympathy is a sarcastic wink as he gets in to drive Helen, looking back, pointing at the baby: ALBERT Be thankful for what you have, my bro

/""•"

(chants in Tibetan) Kamsakaieeka-hon.-some-dumb-son-cf-a.

.

.

/0f\

or

I

rsBlh,

Helen gives Harry a look which is a little strange -- not sticking it to him (for kicks or

otherwise),

nor

angry or vengeful or superior... almost disengaged from him.

It's

very subtle, but it doesn't change as she's

driven

away

wit:

Gib to fill her day with exciting spy work.

rirry

looks a little concerned as he rocks the baby,

cooing

•: him. HARRY Who needs a mother?

J.

do No: we

do

I forget where the bottle is. I should get you a holster for it, huh Jonathan? (at Gib and Helen) The worst friends and family I ever had. We're better off — Jonathan spews some gruel on him.

EXT.

WAREHOUSE DISTRICT, CITY - DAY An industrial area. Gib is slowly crawling through some trash to a basement window, reaches it and sighs a silent breath of relief, then takes out some pocket binoculars and looks inside. Suddenly a giant foot

is

near his face. His mouth opens wide in a gasp and the prelude to a scream --when Harry's big hand clamps down on it, silencing him. HARRY (boyishly excited) Boy, are you rusty What's up? What's inside? What are you guy's on to? Gimme some scoop How close are you to capture He releases Gib's mouth. Gib has almost had a heart

attack

ALBERT (whispering intensely) How did you get up to me? I've got our whole team covering me Harry shrugs. HARRY

Well,

you better ask your leader when you get back. ALBERT

Well,

if it was anybody but you I'd say she's doing a shitty job, but I know how much Comanche you've got in

you

But when she catches

you...?

Remember Little

Eic

Horn, Kemosabe

or

10 HARRY We lost that one,

Tonto

Gib shakes that knowledge off, looking around for

his

backup.

ALBERT Where's Junior? HARRY I hired a Nanny. ALBERT Does she know? Gib is silently mouthing, as though someone who is supposed to be watching him should respond and come to help. HARRY I'm a spy, you jackass -- I don't have to tell her everything. That's the beauty of it --

duh

Gib is mouthing and waving now: "Help Here he is Is anybody covering me?" Harry covers his mouth again with

his

hand, looks into Gib's eyes about the attempts to get him

caught,

his eyes saying: "Are you gonna be quiet

now?"

Gib

nods.

Harry let's go of his mouth. ALBERT No wonder that kid is so well-behaved. HARRY Look, I came here to have a heart to heart with you. Don't make me tell somebody else what I have to get off my chest. ALBERT Heart to heart? I'm flattered. I didn't think I was worthy of any more than a "man to man" on my best day. But I'm in the middle of a real-world stakeout here Ssshhhh HARRY (proudly continuing)

Well,

now that I'm a Mommy, I think like one, I guess... "Time-out"

ALBERT

Did you hear the second thing I said

Baa

guys around the corner, buddy boy

or

11 HARRY They'll wait. (lifts Albert up) They're making the bust around front, "Clouseau" -- that's why nobody came to save you: you were a decoy, Gib Albert looks shocked. Harry brushes him off and walks hir. around toward the front. HARRY They knew the bad guys would hear you and make a break for their

cars.

(winks) You're the noisiest guy on the team. Sorry, buddy: flat-feet ALBERT

Woo

You talk about a set-up I had no idea she was that female Harry and Gib are around the front now, seeing Helen and her group

of

agents cuffing and reading the rights to a group

of

Eastern European men near some parked

cars.

/S™N

HARRY This is what I'm getting at, Albert. ALBERT Let me get at it too, Harold HARRY I'm losing her — the real her. Look: how did we get her into this? ALBERT She's damn good. Jealous? HARRY I don't want to be married to... me And that's what she is now: Mister Tasker -- not my wife anymore. She likes it too much. ALBERT She's kicking your

tail,

bud Nothing personal —

she just took a bite

out of mine too.

But that's

the price you pay when you let the cat out of the bag -- scratches HARRY What do you mean? Meow? She barks

or

12 ALBERT She got a taste of the life: Now she wants the whole enchilada. And she's eating it up like even we never did. They watch as Helen runs the show with gusto, ordering ail her people and the perps around with bravura -- a total pr; ALBERT She's just more cut out to play this part maybe, huh? What can I say...? Harry looks at her, admiration in his

eyes,

but a sadness

too.

The sun starts to set. HARRY What are we gonna do? ALBERT What can we do? Cheer her

on...

HARRY While we play mop-up to chlorine spills on the interstate? She's got out of hand. She's becoming... ALBERT A monster? Hey -- you're her maker,

Dr.

Frankenswine. You hold someone back too long, they rebound twice as far — that's one of Newton's

Laws.

The fourth thermonuclear pythagorean reactor theory...? HARRY You think I'm a brute? A jealous husband who doesn't want to see his wife succeed? I don't Like

this

She's too good — for her own good Gib

nods.

Harry objects, emotionally distraught as he reacts to his real feelings of frustration. HARRY I'm into all the emotions now —

•_

I'm in touch with my feelings. I cry when he pees on me But that's not what this is I'm afraid for her, pal. And me. ALBERT

Oh,

gosh You really are a jealous

Mr.

Mom, aren't you?

or

13 Harry nods somewhat. ALBERT The tables have turned — you're living her nightmare now when she was the homebody Look: making a real man out of that baby boy

ijs

twice as challenging, as any of this — she was right. So suck it

up,

sir. Go for the gusto Raise the first

fully-functional

adult male in history -- there's gotta be one someday -- just playing the

odds

HARRY A son needs a mother — "Mommy" --he can cry to I can't see that... ALBERT She'll be home a day or so a week --that was more than you usually were Harry looks at Gib, so proud of Helen a tear almost

forms

HARRY She's too good for her own good Look at us -- we're cut out to sit in cars and jive-talk like drunken sailors on leave: it's for the good of the country and the world. She's becoming like us

You

Ugh ALBERT

Lee

Why not hug

Me

But she wants it, Harry Hey

Try

to love HARRY That's what scares me most Why...? ALBERT ... Does she want to spy or you not love? Why not? Both I do remember that we used to have a lot of fun shish-kabobbing terrorist tush HARRY You don't understand: I'm losing her This isn't what she's meant to be. It goes against her grain. And my heart. Gib finally gets it: this is very important to Harry.

or

14

/0&\.

ALBERT Who is right for it? I mean, when you see a nuclear rocket about to be fired off into the center of your

gluteus-maximus

and you gotta decide in that split-second if you're gonna take one for your country or not, the thought of a life-time supply of Preparation-H as compensation doesn't add much to the moment, huh HARRY When did that ever happen to

you?

ALBERT It didn't But it got you thinkin', didn't it? Let's go — they promised me they were gonna let me interrogate some of these

dingleberry's

later with a rubber hose and a phone book Gib moves to join the arresting party. Harry grabs him, as he stares at his wife do all the work he used to, perturbed. HARRY You didn't even hear me, did you This is more important than busts. ALBERT I heard ya -- but maybe I wasn't listening. What do you want me to say? Harry doesn't know -- but he's troubled and needs some help from Gib. He let's him go, smoothing out his rumpled suit. ALBERT She's in charge now — accept that. Her performance record is unparalleled as a new recruit. She rose faster than anyone. She beat the pants off both of us, Pal, on the aptitude tests and personality profile. She's prime material. Live with it. Gong Dong Ca-ching A new era Gib "gongs" Harry's solar plexus -- slamming again and again, the muscle is so rock hard, his hand bounces off. ALBERT Do you even feel

that?

Harry doesn't, still thinking about his wife, a bit of a

or

15 devilish, yet still concerned look in his

eyes.

HARRY Maybe there's a chink in her armor. ALBERT

Yeah,

like she's slippin' with the

RevIon

applicator: I noticed her lip-gloss was slightly askew Wow HARRY Real-world scenarios run the gamut This is a bust of some small-time

thugs.

Just think what happens when she meets the guys that even we're not ready for-, does she sink or swim? ALBERT Helen? She uses them for a life-preserver C'mon, Harry: she's fern It's a code Hurt "us" HARRY Hey, I'm not ready to lose a wife because she thinks she passed some tests with flying colors and now she's cooler than: me Not

cool

She can't get too cocky — she doesn't even have one

ALBERT'

You? Okay You set yourself up, Dummy

No...

Me The only way to find out about her would be to put her through all the worst-case scenarios the bureau reserves for the computer simulation studies — and no way in hell would anybody ever let us get our hands on that program. It's

Level-50

classified. Two candidates a decade run those tests and each time, two fine minds are blown to hell and bumped down to desk duty in Peoria, the shit's so... HARRY One this decade Harry's smile says it all: he took the test ALBERT You passed? I didn't even know you were run through? You're scary

or

16 HARRY They don t tell anyone but you. (slyly)

Besides,

x'm

home with the kid

24/7,

right? Who would know? ALBERT (eagerly) Who sponsored you? What was it like? Are you transcendent now? Can you read my mind? HARRY Who couldn't? (stares at Gib's forehead, pause) Beer and donuts. ALBERT Got it -- first try I'm convinced.

So,

you want to put her through the program to see if she cracks, then you'll have her back in the fold...? HARRY Anything for home and hearth, right? It's what we're fighting for, Gibby. Harry stares at Helen, proud of her, yes — but he's got to protect her, he's thinking. Gib sees it in his

eyes.

ALBERT Don't ever have another man to man with me, please. I don't think I'm a man

yet...

HARRY Heart to heart, remember? The secrets stay between the hearts of the

two...

Harry points to Gib's heart, feigning romance. As cute as Harry means it, Gib still feels a little bit threatened. ALBERT Listen — you don't need to phrase it that way. I get this visual of you ripping mine out — if I gossip HARRY So do I... And I don't feel like

/s ^

clean-up detail. Let's go -- we've got some scheming to

do,

"Ethel" Save my wife from

or

17 ALBERT Lucy, I didn't know you were so... feline (cat-scratches the air) Meow? It

1jns

in the family, eh HARRY Roar or something. I don't think I would do that. ALBERT (desperately) "Lucy" Lucy's the metaphor, Harry

EXT.

BUREAU HEADQUARTERS - DAY Harry and Gib exit their car at the side parking area, each with sly looks on their faces. They stop, staring at each other, Harry nodding, Gib reciprocating with a slower nod. HARRY

C'mon

— sync-up the signals: we don't get every glitch out before implementation, she's gonna have us in the smokehouse ALBERT "Smokehouse" Look, call it the Big House or something -- I don't feel like a salmon today. HARRY Key signal? ALBERT I can't give it away here — they might be lip-reading from the fourth floor. Jay and Marisa are training with her for that: they might use us for target practice. HARRY Then turn your back, Einstein, and let me know we're still on the same classified page with

this...

Gib turns, getting his story straight, walking backwards. HARRY What are you gonna tell her? We can't have her thinking this is too big of a risk: it might become one And I'd have to kill

vou

for National Security

or

18

ALBERT Alright — we got the ultimate tip: a

bullion

run on the Secret Service

reserve mder

the Lincoln Memorial. All

the

gots and the jewelry stash from

ti

aids

durinc

the Civil War on Lee'i last bastion of confederate gold: held safe by our government, but not where all the other war mementos have been. Big, big time brouhaha if it's taken — means our country's dirty laundry might be strung out in public and the perps would get the glory, the gold and the last word: what does she do? HARRY Right But what are we gonna tell her about how we got the tip — so we're off the hook while the whole phony scheme crumbles around her...? (walks backwards, flips Gib around to walk forwards)

C'mon

— word for coded word: the

lie

The true

lie...

Gib is about to answer, then goes into some sophisticated facial ticks... This is the "code" they've developed.

INT.

HELEN'S OFFICE - DAY Gib and Harry facing a worried Helen and some of the assistants — Marisa, attractive, 28, Jay, 30, Fred, a

solic

man of

40-45,

and others — and their CO., SPENCER TRILBY. ALBERT Honest to God, sir -- and Ma'am: we heard it on the elliptic-corn while feeding the baby Nachos outside — don't worry, they were diet It's going down tonight: three Central European ex-patriots who happen to be Civil War buffs have staged the whole thing HELEN The Lincoln Memorial...? It's impregnable At least I thought so Gib

nods.

Harry kicks him to give details. Gib grunts out:

or

^>y

JH$$£\

19 ALBERT

Oh,

yeah — they're gonna breai; in and take that

secret

stash even the press never

heo*

J

of, Helen If . they succeed, we

.rop

ten

no'ches

on the internat.

\ai

covert

iSgistry

HARRY

,

It's like losing the America's Cup to

the...

Sudanese They haven't sailed since Noah's Ark We'd be laughing stocks: classified, of course HELEN

Well,

then we'll have to stop them HARRY We? Really? You and I again...? HELEN It'll be past your bedtime before we figure this one out. You need to be fresh for the long days ahead cooking and cleaning, bottles and

doody

There's more than one kind Just be thankful you don't have breasts, hon ALBERT You know, I think Harry might need some help there, Helen. I'm gonna turn in early too -- you take the glory on this one. You go,

girl

Show us all what the world would be like if run by the WNBA Gib starts in with the "code" -- Harry, though in on the ruse, hangs his head, wishing he'd cool it now. Helen smiles: ready to do it all alone She moves to the window, her mind racing with thoughts. Harry looks worried.

TRILEY

With you as a coach, Gib: a lot of locker-room humor, right? Bra and panty fights Little holes drilled behind the showers...? Oink Oink HARRY Maybe we could... think like a team again, Helen? HELEN Then what will I learn...? Sorry,

Harrv:

the tic is enouah Thanks.

or

20

* *

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL BUILDING - NIGHT Late at night. No one around.

INT.

LINCOLN MEMORIAL - NIGHT Focusing on a door. It opens slowly, a hooded

ran

in black and another, smaller hooded man in

t.

ack come out with a heavy satchel each over their back. They look

1-^ft

and right and shuffle into the

hall. INT.

SHADOWS OF THE BUILDING - NIGHT Helen, and some of her aides, are pointing guns at the men in black hoods.

INT.

MAIN-HALL -

NIGHT

The men don't run — as it seems they should -- they ramble about, almost, it seems, wanting to get caught or seen... The smaller one drops his satchel. It rips open, spilling hundreds of Civil War gold coins... The second man stops, looks toward the smaller men and then bonks him on the head,

aia

Laurel and Hardy, dropping his satchel, which tears open, spilling gold ingots onto the floor. The noise echoes through the memorial. Both men stop, staring at the

f^

darkness, then... run Suddenly, Helen and her people are after them. HELEN Stop You're not

gonna

get out of

here

Alive The smaller man stops, throes his hands up. The bigger man

stops,

grabs him and jerks hirr. after him at a run. Helen aims her gun, scared, not knowing whether to shoot or not Her aide reaches the bigger man and gang tackles him -- only to bounce off. The smaller man in shadow helps the agent

up,

brushes him off before being grabbed by his own collar by the bigger man and dragged on at a dead run. Helen reaches the agent, stops, takes out her walkie-talkie: HELEN This is Commander Tasker -- suspects

are

headed toward the far exit Code six Extreme caution, people

/P^N

She gives chase. an reach the far e:

or

g»\

21

prepare to bolt for the doors. BIGGER MAN (Harry's voice) Just don't take your hood off SMALLER MAN (Gib's voice' This is another fine mess you've gotten me into, Harry BIGGEF. MAN (Harry) That's my line And don't tell them who I am (Harry)

bonks

(Gib) on

top

of

the head, grabs him

and bursts out

the glass doors

They shatter,

both men making

a kind of superhuman break, unscathed

in their heavy black

jumpsuits,

for the lawn. Suddenly,

lights

flood onto them. They

stop,

surrounded by dozens of armed agents. Helen approaches

from

the rear. HELEN Don't move Lay down with your hands interlocked behind your head Harry and Gib pause. Gib then obeys. Harry stops him, pulling his hands down. HELEN You'd better listen to your little friend, "friend" You're on Federal soil — and we're on overtime HARRY (whispers to Gib) Hold your ground -- I want to see how far she'll go: what she'd made of ALBERT That's like asking me to hold my ground while a rat crawls up my pants I know how far it'll go HARRY (glances at Gib's crotch) With you, you never know Besides, we're in this for the lesson

or

22

**•

ALBERT What? How to die with our boots on I'm gonna spread-eagle and hope for the sweetness of the American Woman to kick in HARRY (wryly) Are you sure? ALBERT (hushed)

No

HELEN You've got five seconds to comply. All her people steady their weapons: they're deadly

serious

HELEN

Four,

three,

two...

Harry turns to her and raises his hand as though he's going to shoot her Gib holds himself so tightly, especially his

balls

All the agents open fire on them Both men are

{

riddled with bullets, no blood, falling, groaning, rolling toward the water Helen holds her fire, staring at her weapon and the men, stunned, hurt inside, but resolved to do this duty,

hers

HELEN Hold your fire The men have rolled to the water and plop in... Pause. HELEN

Lights

Find them Get them out of there if you can Safely The agents rush to the water's edge with their spotlights. The men are gone. Helen rushes up, stunned, looking at the water. Her heart hurt, but her eyes alive with excitement. HELEN Drag it We've got to find out more

or

/^s

23

EXT.

UNDERWATER - NIGHT Harry and Gib, shed of their black jumpsuits and with scuba gear on, stare up at the lights above them, red sores on them from the bullets that hit these heavy, bulletproof

outfits.

Gib is groaning all his air out. Harry is staring up at his wife, smiling wryly at what she did,

then

pulling Tom away to swim off underwater and away. HELEN (VO) They're better than I thought...

INT.

CHIEF INFORMATION OFFICER'S OFFICE SUITE - DAY Harry and Gib, in suits, holding themselves together and staring at Helen as she lectures the entire inner-crew of her group and the Information Chief, Trilby, about the case from the night before: HELEN Alright, two theories and a simple piece of advice for the next big tip we get: we're being sandbagged, boys and girls There's a bigger motive here than gold and glory at the expense of the Omega Sector. (stares at Harry and Gib) And that

is.

. .

? Gib's mouth inadvertently opens to -- of course get his glory and give his (incriminating ) opinion. He stops himself — but not before Harry gooses his

ribs.

Gib grins in agonized silence. HELEN Too slow on the draw, McGraw — your answer better come as fast and furious as the questions They've got a bigger

goal

(quick gaze at Harry) Which is? He too is obviously interested in being right, but holds it. HELEN (before he can give a thought) It's not that simple TRILBY Maybe it is We're getting at the heart of our National Security issue now, so let's hear everyone's

P.O.V.

He hasn't even answered vet, Helen.

or

24

HELEN Which is time saved from giving us the wrong one Sorry, Harry -- but your info was skewed. And I think I know why Maybe he could reveal...? TRILBY Pray tell a short sermon Amen...? HELEN

Sir,

haven't you thought about it

yet

I mean, I could ask some of our junior colleagues and maybe show half of us up with some strategically astute answers, but the question is: Why are men emotional misers? Harry? ALBERT (under breath to Harry) Strategically astute emotional miser? HARRY Astute...? Harry belts Gib in a strategically astute place, his belly. HELEN But I want us all to have a chance to really think this one through

P.O.V.

They all look delighted to have this option. Harry and Gib bide their time, biting their tongues, holding their peace. The Chief stares at them, sensing something but in the dark. HELEN Alight, instead of a moment of silence, moments of inspired thought: a pregnant pause — and does anyone here have something special to give birth to? Maybe not in nine months, but nine moments and we'll have the ultimate answer to this question... ? Harry is so tempted, Gib belts him -- but it hurts

his

hand HELEN Gib — don't hold back. Harry can't get all the glory always. It's your fifteen seconds, if you want it now. ALBERT Helen, sir -- Ma'am — I do believe that was fifteen minutes of fame

or

25

HARRY You haven't had those yet...? Gib wants to belt him, but holds back, thinking twice about hurting his hand again, smiling, gloating at Harry that ive got him by NOT hitting him. Harry knees Gib in the quad. ALBERT Yeah, I do have something, agent Tasker... (at Harry) ... Superior Harry stares at Gib to shut up. HELEN And that is, agent? ALBERT You're one hell of a smart

gal...

She sighs. HARRY And you're right, he meant to say

f^

Trust your gut These sons of bitches are a lot more sophisticated than Confederate gold. That was a ploy to see what they could get away with What we would or wouldn't come back with Now, like a Time-Out in basketball, they know our plays They could take on anything

next

ALBERT Yeah And who knows how we could stop them...? He looks at Harry — hoping this test of Helen isn't going any farther, at least down this road. Helen smiles at Harry -- a private moment in public here, but intimate. HARRY Who knows how? He's encouraging her to think HELEN Think like them

f

Harry's face falls; he asked for

this.

Gib shakes his head.

or

26 TRILBY I know who's getting paid to. And who may want my job if she figures it out Go for the gusto, Tasker -- Helen, that is -- and show us all how to skin that cat finally. The one we've all wanted to cook for so many years... Feminism Are you only equal when you're given a head start? Yay, nay? She stares at him about the self-deprecation and almost

glii

vote of confidence. He sits back, discouraged and resigned (prematurely, it seems) to her ruling this roost HARRY

Sir,

remember: she was schooled by you know who -- and I don't mean

M.O.I.

Coded in front of the baby Harry glances at Gib to get him. Gib mouths: "Moi you " TRILBY Don't blame me for

the...

L.A.D.Y. I'm not able to make a B.I.T.C.H. Trilby winks with his good eye. Helen smiles at the

mockin: approval.

Gib sidles out. Harry follows. They squeeze through the door like Laurel and Hardy, getting stuck As Helen thinks long and hard, staring at her group. ALBERT Bathroom break -- we'll be back I'll make sure he... shakes

well

HELEN Ideas? I haven't given my insight

yet:

it's better to get yours first,

folks.

We've all got something good to say, right? Or is that wishful...? Her people are all thinking, but hesitant to offer theirs. Helen is disappointed but still hopeful they'll contribute. ALBERT (VO) Word out of the pipeline is these guys are worse than

counter-agents

on a gold-hunting rampage: they're a new ploy being applied by the next generation of international spooks: pure criminals They're financing

C

their country's spying on us by just doing what they know we're paid to

step

then,

fro-

doing, Helen

or

/ ^\

27

HELEN (VO) Gathering our important information? ALBERT (VO)

No,

just kicking our collective butt and getting paid for it: stashed

valuables,

global currencies — accessible covert bank accounts --and priceless trade secrets HELEN (VO) Such as? ALBERT (VO) The recipe for Coca Cola...? ?

EXT.

HEADQUARTERS OF "KFC" - NIGHT Establishing. PULL BACK AS WE MOVE toward it with Helen and her small army of agents, in shadows, stealthily observing. HELEN Kentucky Fried Chicken. KFC's headquarters, three twenty three a.m. Our tip is that they're gonna try to smuggle out the secret for the Colonel's original recipe... And ransom it

to El

Polio Loco for about a billion Security spotted the two suspects from the memorial delivering drugged pizzas and beer to the execs on the fourth floor How do you stop them? AGENT "Think like them"? HELEN Think like they can't — rationally Where would you make your first mistake? That's where they'll stub their toe

INT.

"KFC" HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT Sprawling offices with cubicles, executive glass-enclosed offices and a veranda to the atrium in the center, all the

lights,

save one office's, off. We MOVE toward the office with the lights on. We hear a chicken clucking PULL BACK

/w*x

to show Helen and her

tear,

on the prowl, stop and listen. HELEN American..

. .

?

or

28

/H i\

TEAM MEMBER The clucking? HELEN The vocal inflection? What region? TEAM MEMBER

Thi;

accent on the clucking? HELEN

Sh

Listen. They're interrogating them with sarcasm I think Listen The clucking becomes boisterously angry. EXECUTIVE'S VOICE Alright Alright We'll tell you what it is I'll aet it for you Stop... The clucking stops. Helen looks at her people wide-eyed HELEN They're gonna give it up How weak

^

TEAM MEMBER That clucking was pretty rude sounding. HELEN

It'd

take a lot more than a chickenshited clack to get me to give up the secret formula for the original recipe The Colonel would be rolling in his batter if he heard

this

Move in -- we've got to

step

it Helen signals for them to move in, ducking to the side herself, gun drawn, to make her observance of what's going on in the office. She inches closer as her people move in, assault weapons at the ready. HELEN Where's Harry and Gib when you need 'em?

Guys:

I wish your Bravado was here now She takes a big gulp of air and proceeds against her fears.

r

or

29

J N i

.

EXECUTIVE OFFICE OF "KFC" - NIGHT The Chief Executive Officer for KFC, an austere man with his hands up, is forced at gunpoint by a big man in a chicken-suit out the door to the atrium area -- behind him, a smaller mar is

wearinc

the Colonel's getup complete with white

ha-.:,

beard and

geeky

glasses and a pistol. On the

fleer

all around them are the drugged VP's. They bracket the CEO as they lead him to the stairs to the atrium area.

::;T.

STAIRHALL NEAR ATRIUM - NIGHT The chicken-suited man and the "Colonel" lead the CEO fast down the stairs. As they jog down them, they notice flickers of light and/or metal flashes from different places in the building. They know they're being watched. The CEO notices too, tensing, but walking on in front of them.

INT.

CUBICLES NEAR STAIRHALL - NIGHT

The

various agents move silently to see where the two

"kidnappers"

and the CEO are going to. Helen follows down another stair with the group in view, seeing them take the CEO into a downstairs room off the atrium. She signals fast for her team to follow, move in

TV1T

VAULT OF "KFC" - NIGHT The

big

chicken-suited man and the "Colonel" lead the executive to a large safe across this imposing vault-like room. The CEO reaches the safe and

turns,

facing the big chicken and the "Colonel" himself. "THE COLONEL"

Now,

sir, in the spirit of fair-play and generosity -- don't you think it's time somebody besides the KFC family got their

cotton-pickin'

hands on that

finger-lickin'

good secret The CEO cringes, grimacing, then a tear

forms.

"THE CHICKEN" Cut the crocodile

tears

I like • extra-crispy better anyway CEO This is the company's prized jewel You might as well burn us down... The "Chicken" and the "Colonel" mean business. The CEO

turn?

the numbers on the safe and opens it slowly. The

or

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32

INT.

KFC HELICOPTER - NIGHT As the company pilot dashes above the tree-line, then into passages in the glades, the Fed

chcrpers

fellow, spotlights shining through the swamp,

illuminating

birds and snakes and

gator's

Firefly's flicker in the n ght air.

F.

:.rds scream "THE CHICKEN" I want to see how she --

they'11...

hold up under the pressure CEO What about me "THE COLONEL" You forgot to bring some grub, bub You're gonna be hungrier than I am "THE CHICKEN" (to the pilot) Get us out of here — or into some

batter,

fast I'm molting His feathers are flying off in the high

winds EXT.

SKIES - NIGHT A helicopter race over the Everglades: wild and wooly.

INT.

HELEN'S HELICOPTER - NIGHT She's amazed at what's going on -- more involved in it than when at the Lincoln Memorial: she senses something here. HELEN Have we got any reccrdings on these two clowns? They're way too successful to be losers like

this

TEAM MEMBER We recorded the chicken cackle. HELEN Save it. I think we're gonna get a chance to fry this bird in its own oil soon. TEAM MEMBER You know something? HELEN

Yeah:

this is more than professional. This

is

oerscnal -- serenow. Get

'en'

/0P*\

or

srf-

:?

\

/#PP\,

3?

EXT.

SWAMPS - NIGHT The Chicken and the Colonel jump out of the chopper as it zooms over a scenic lagoon, splashing down

INT.

HELEN'S HELICOPTER - NIGHT She looks stunned. She stares at her team. HELEN Go in After them Wetsuits We're prepared for anything, aren't

we...?

INT.

FEDERAL CHOPPER - NIGHT Some of her agents don scuba gear over their suits and lunge into the beautiful lagoon.

INT.

KFC HELICOPTER - NIGHT Hovering over the water. The CEO of KFC moaning as he holds with religious fervor the napkin with the recipe on it.

EXT.

LAGOON - NIGHT The agents in their gear, harpoon guns in hand, snorkel down to a manatee herd, looking for the Chicken and the Colonel. A FEATHER floats to the surface. Nearby underwater, the Chicken and the Colonel each hang on tight to a manatee leaving the lagoon to migrate to the

Sea

1

EXT.

CLEARING IN EVERGLADES - DAWN The choppers are all here, landed. Helen stands with the CEO and her team members: amazed that the "kidnappers" didn't take the napkin with the recipe on it. HELEN What were their demands, sir? CEO They said if we don't start selling slightly bigger bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy soon, they're gonna sell the secret recipe to...

Alpo

HELEN Animal lovers. Pretty

P.C.

these "terrorists" Not your run-of-the-mill

blow-up-the-worid

variety psychopaths

or

9>\

TlTKV^t

4

INT.

HELEN'S OFFICE, HEADQUARTERS - DAY Helen with her crew, Harry and Gib in the corner near the window — in on this discussion, but mostly "eavesdrcpoino" on what she's doing... so they can sabotage her next

trove?

HELEN A unique

M.O.,

people — absolute failure as a

goal,

it seems: we've done a voice match on the two baboons at the swamp and the goons at the memorial... Pause... Harry and Gib hold their breath; Gib swallowing his gum down the wrong tube Harry gives him a Heimlich ALBERT I broke a tooth Sorry HARRY Child. He still eats jawbreakers HELEN

It's

not a match... The air goes out of the chill in the room. Gib sighs. HELEN It's a mate Dead-on syncopation and rhythm of the base chords with the recording we got with the guys at the memorial A prank? Or — like Harry and... the burping baby here said: a deeper conspiracy? (to Harry and Gib) Fellas? Wanna say anything? Both men button their

lips,

shaking their heads "No " HELEN Good — because I don't buy your theory, believe it or not I think you're out of your league here,

babe.

HARRY (normal baritone) Wait

a.

. .

(sudden sottc voce) — Wait a second... (coughs to conceal) Z got a bug in my... too

or

35

ALBERT (soprano falsetto) Two of us on the same page finally HELEN I think we better all be on the same page

from

here on out or none

of

us are gonna be helping the country Harry, Gib: you boys are back in the hunt -- voice repro matches for these

guys,

I want you two taking charge in checking the data bank. HARRY (sotto voce)

Who,

me (heavy baritone) I mean -- yes, Ma'am Nothing I'd rather do than help my country find --(voice breaks — the Kentucky Fried Chicken thieves ALBERT Nor I, Your Highness I mean, Madam. Inspector Mother Superior? We — he and I: the "Soprano's" it seems -- have a chance to go where no men have gone before Helen furrows her brow as she looks at what she thinks are two chauvinist pigs collapsing under female authority: HELEN And

where's

that, ladies? The Girl Scout Choir Or is it that no man can stand going anywhere behind a woman? So to speak, gentleman HARRY We'll find these

guys,

honey. Believe it or not. As a matter of fact, we

got

a tip already on their next move. Gib looks shocked. HELEN And what fine mess will they get in this week, Honey? Airport bombing? A ransom of a foreign minister for trade consideration? Threats to our central security systems nationwide: work, home, hobbies?

or

36

^-«\

She encapsulated the dilemma for all. Harry is impressed --and not just superficially: Helen has really surprised him. HELEN That's right, people — we are talking real world danger here with two men so obviously skilled in search and seizure, escape, counter-surveillance -- and luck They may be able to do something they haven't even thought of yet Gib escorts Harry out on

this,

a very serious look on his face as he watches Harry stare, entranced, at Helen. HARRY Now you're getting somewhere, baby...

EXT.

HALLWAY OF INTELLIGENCE BUILDING - DAY Harry is led to the water cooler by Gib. Harry snaps out of his glow, looking with questioning eyes at Gib. HARRY She understands, buddy We didn't even have to teach her She gets it now -- and more completely than I ever did. She

wins.

ALBERT What? A little bit of transcendence of job and duties A brief moment of divinity reached on a day when the rest of the world is swirling in its own swamp of shit Harry, this is the problem -- she's gonna do something about it now HARRY Do what? Change our diapers ALBERT Change the world And maybe my small miserable part of it for the better HARRY Jingle Bells, Jingle. Bells, Jingle all the way...? ALEEP.T

f^

I can't get through to you... But can't you feel my own pain right now She is ccr.r.a cet sh:t-canned

trvino

or

37

Gib hits Harry on the chin. Gib groans: it hurt him Harry realizes Gib's warning is true about Helen. HARRY Then we've got to help her win... ALBERT Ey what? By how? 5y whom? We're the bad guys she's trying to stop HARRY We've got to lead them all to her

door

so she can take them out without... without... ALBERT Without what? HARRY Breaking a

nail

That's my wife --I worship the sheets she sleeps on I cherish the dreams she snores to ALBERT

Amen

Hallelujah You go, boy HARRY I miss the sweetly sour pungency of

her... ethers

And I'm jealous and

alone

She's gonna have to be taught the lesson we'll all never forget ALBERT We? All? What? What do you have in mind? Besides "Inheriting The Wind" HARRY What no one should, "Gibby Hayes": the third directive of the sensor simulation -- know it and you what it means: pure execution. Of plan. Purpose. Perspective. Keeping the goal in sight always ALBERT You did go to hell and back, didn't

you,

when you went through the secret

trial?

What goal? What purpose? Did you get to meet Satan when you were down there... Is he

mean?

HARRY

*-*

j-

• * • E) ^

d**

,

n

c

^"ir*

rj -• ~ —. -^ ~ — i

or

38

ALBERT Bet he's no worse than Trilby when you blow a stakeout or kill a bystander Harry snarls menacingly

"Evil."

Gib holds his heart Harry rolls his eyes and grabs Gib and leads him

out... INT.

HELEN AND HARRY'S HOUSE - NIGHT Harry by the fire rocking baby Jonathan, singing a

goc-g:c

lullaby -- so sweet and so silly, it makes Helen stare at him from her recliner (classified file in

hand),

wondering the depth of this big and brave man she married. Then a thought comes into her eyes that distracts her. Harry

locks

over, seeing her drifting off: his heart sinks and his eyes narrow -- he's got to win her back to the family -- and him. HELEN (VO) Alright, everyone — we have a new approach: applied teamwork. What does that mean, you say?

Well,

our venerable leaders have had their methods for solving cases — but now the "old dog" of a system is about to learn a trick or two even the bad guys never thought up Okay HARRY (VO) Remember one thing: the means to the goal becomes the

goal

Tracking a mad mind may lead one to become

one... INT.

HALL OF RECORDS BUILDING - DAY Helen and her team, with Harry and Gib, are jaunting up the impressive steps to the U.S. Archives, purpose in hand --Harry seemingly trying to keep her centered or grounded. HARRY I think we need some encouragement. Or at least a clue what we're doing HELEN People, we are going to do what even computers can't -- catalog intuition The archives contain information of every possible nature: our madmen have some goal in mind besides the usual motives: money, women, drugs And we're gonna find it -- here Once we do, we'll narrow down the suspects And the

i.nswer

will

come

frcm

zr.i

cf

us

havinc

an eoiohar.v

or

39

MARISA

Helen, I think that's a great idea ALBERT (in Harry's ear) Brilliant Reverse psychosomatic stimulation: don't threaten the answer from the workers, coax their

subconscious's

into doing it HARRY (whispers back) Yeah Maybe we should help her send our asses to Leavenworth You were the one who thought she would change your world for the worse ALBERT You're the one who married her Who's insecurities is she making up for... Harry stops, staring at Gib -- taking real exception to that biting comment. Gib stops, shaking his head -- he's sorry. ALBERT Look -- I'm not even good enough to get a date with her, what can I say? But she's biting off more than any of us can chew -- and chewing We should see what we can do. HARRY To what? Help her chew somebody a new --Helen has jogged back to them, moving in between them. HELEN I'm a little concerned. My best agents are

chicken-fighting

over every little tactic we're employing. (to Harry) Is it possible that the Rooster resents the Hen for protecting The Roost? Gib grins at Harry. Helen stares at Gib closely. HELEN Or the Chicken-hawk wants to take a

f^

bite of the chickens when they were

roostinc

sc well?

or

40

Harry stares into her eyes with some real emotional intent. HARRY Helen -- it's

net

the chicken or the roost: it's the man and

the...

She stares at him. HELEN The

woman?

I consider that an insult said with that tone, Harry. HARRY And I consider you as anything but my woman worse than any insult. "Dear" HELEN My position threatens you — my stance on this threatens you as sole provider of our security and well-being. HARRY You're stance when you wear orthopedic nurse's shoes and not pumps because you work eighteen hours threatens my love life -- that's an important part of our well-being HELEN

Well,

I'm sorry, Harry — but the country and the people are a bigger concern to me now than how you feel about me leading you out of the bedroom and into a big case Get up here and out of my panties and help us get to the root of this problem She gives him a cutesy look and rushes up to the archives. ALBERT

Whoo

She didn't suspect a thing Gib is relieved. Harry hits Gib's arm. Gib can't move it ALBERT

That's...

that's not the same as me I felt that You are Satan And I want my Mommy Harry gives him a look and pulls out a teething ring: "I'll be your Mommy " Gib grimaces and runs after Helen, scare:.

or

41

INT.

HELEN'S OFFICE -

NI^HT

Slumping at her desk, Helen is pouring through one of dozens

of bookr?

and journals piled up all

around her.

Their t.

:tles:

"WORLDWIDE

TERRORISM" "MASS-MARKETED PARANOIA" "DISEASE WARFARE" "WORLD ECONOMICS AS GLOBAL WEAPON" "COMMUNISM,

FASCISM AND SOCIAL UNREST"

"MAN AND WOMAN:

THE

FINAL WAR " She falls asleep at her desk. A moment. The lights go out. She doesn't wake. In the dark, a shadow figure moves to

her,

covers her mouth and lifts her up and sweeps her out of the room, squirming in its

arms. EXT.

BARN IN COUNTRY - NIGHT

/»"*

An abandoned ancient barn in the middle of a scenic dale.

.-.

light shines from inside as Helen is led in, blindfolded, by a big man in a catburglar's getup — hooded and silent. Inside, Helen, in disarray but keeping her

cool,

is led to a chair and sat down by the big catburglar. MOVE TO SHOW her entire crew of agents seated, bound and gagged on chairs in the barn, all looking terrified: over twenty men and women, including Trilby. Near them, another disguised "catburglar" stands guard over them, recording box at his mouth. SECOND CATBURGLAR (distorts his voice) Ladies and Gentlemen: let us introduce ourselves and the situation: the country's leading defenders of the faith are now officially off-duty — for good. If we say so. HELEN Who are

you?

Who's here The first catburglar lifts ner blindfold. She sees

ail

her people, alarmed, afraid.

She

scans them for Harry and Gib.

yfl^N.

HELEN

What do you want? How did you do

this

or

FIRST CATBURGLAR (distorts voice with voice box transmitter) Why 3

-

better answer -- and you have

:

am all, don t you?

HELE..

What does that mean? FIRST CATBURGLAR To what it's all about -- and how we can make off with the most and the best of the country's goodies She's off-put by this and the whole scene, but keeps calm. HELEN Tell us what you want and why TRILBY Helen, remember: diplomacy first... We don't want a scene from Braveheart FIRST CATBURGLAR Cool it, Hepcat, and we'll stay calm. Why? Good question, gal -- gives you a clue about us. What we want: we'll make that even harder --

all

Or nothing. You ready for that...? SECOND CATBURGLAR All the money in the reserves, all the secrets in the vaults, all the mysteries unsolved -- in our hands. HELEN And how are you going to get it...? We're Americans — we don't give up The first catburglar (Harry) smiles under his mask. FIRST CATBURGLAR The first Law Of The Jungle — do you know it? It's called might. '-HELEN Might what? FIRST CATBURGLAR

f**

What would you suspect we'd do to get what we want? Helen cilcs and then strengthens.

or

/ **\

43

HELEN Anything.

SECOND

CATBURGLAR (sympa

T

:

netically)

I'm

sorry...

(then

strongly)

We have to Suddenly, strangely -- Helen no longer looks afraid. HELEN I see.

Well,

now I know what we were up against: pure power at play I apologize for our former naivete with you. We -- I — didn't realize the level of intensity at work here. May I extrapolate the next response? Torture? No -- persuasion. To get what you want.

Tell

us now what you want and how we can get it for you. FIRST CATBURGLAR (beastly timber) Your demise SECOND CATBURGLAR You hinder our progression FIRST CATBURGLAR You seek to dissuade our desires SECOND CATBURGLAR You stymie our manifesto... HELEN Not "Buckwheat"

it...

Which is? The second catburglar (Gib of course) is dumbstruck, shakin; his head at the second catburglar. FIRST CATBURGLAR You work to keep us

from

the

goal

HELEN My bad. If I only knew it — maybe I could sympathize with your method. FIRST CATBURGLAR You

will

be tested now -- and fail to succeed, you will face the consequences: your replacement --

bv

a new team and a new leader...

or

44

Helen looks worried. HELEN Is that all? We can

li>.-»

with that A pink-slip Maybe we

:ies-_«rve

it now letting you win

F'--:

The first catburglar moves past each of the team, placing his ominously powerful hand on each one's throat. FIRST CATBURGLAR Survival: does that interest you? The next time may be the last time: in the literal sense Don't consider this a distraction to keep you on your

toes

This is the real deal — and you're about to learn the lesson You better take notes

••

HELEN This is good. It's good. It's got me in "Get freaks " mode. Who else wants to bob for... "bad apples"

INT.

HEADQUARTERS - DAY The office is in disarray, agents dejected, rushing to and fro with news of what has happened while they were bound: AGENT The Hall of Justice — files are resorted and may be missing The Social Security Archives were breached — money owed in limbo or transferred offshore, we don't know

yet

The Pentagon was compromised — classified information may be accessed And every other agency compromised or ransacked last night HELEN Where is Harry and Gib Answers

^•v All

noise stops. Helen is furious HELEN Silence is not aclden Gold

is

or

45

INT.

CITY SEWER SYSTEM - DAY Harry and Gib are hog-tied to a grating, as the city's most vile waste washes just past them in a

flc .ng

flood pipe: they are roughed up, looking stressed out

4

b's

beeper vibrating on his tank-top. The agents

mc

to them

frc-.

a storm drain, Helen at the rear --

flashlic -s

in hand. AGENT Got 'em His beeper tracker worked HARRY Where were you He set this off eight hours ago They got us both Gib smiles. Helen is relieved, but suspicious HELEN The whole world is turned upside down -- we didn't know you two were busy taking a bubble bath in a septic system Who got you both ? The agents freeing them accidentally drop Gib into the

^^

sewage -- he washes down to a catch basin: his mind fried' V Helen stares at Harry, penetrating into his inner self now. HELEN What do they want from us, these...? HARRY Who are they? We were drugged... AGENT WHITELAW {his name tag

outstanding),

45,

intense,

s^es

this exchange between Harry and Helen, seeing something profound in the eyes of each. They don't notice him stare. AGENT WHITELAW Let's get you to a debriefing, sir. We may learn something important. HELEN Handle them carefully, Whitelaw — I don't think he knows too much about doing doody work She motions at Gib wallowing in the sewage in his underwear.

/JPN

ALBERT I knew I needed some potty training, but spare me the crash-course, okay

or

46

EXT.

7-11 - DAY Harry and Gib in a sedan, Jonathan in a hamper between them as Gib drinks a slurpy and Harry eats a hot dog,

Gib

feeding the baby nachos Harry sprays air freshener around 'hem. ALBERT You think this might be why he's got that diaper rash? He whizzes in my face when I change him if he doesn't get at least a tray a day HARRY Who's the damage being done to: I have to pre-eat them for him Harry chews up a nacho, then deposits its masticated mass on a spoon for Gib to feed the baby, distracted by Gib's smell. ALBERT We're done, aren't we? I mean: how-can we look any of them in the face again without lying like a...

s&%\

HARRY ... Federal agent? No -- it's not like that: we've done this to help her and all

of

them. And ourselves.

Tr.-s

is no game. It's International coversion: no rules but coming home

alive

ALBERT You think you will after she finds us out? She

will,

you know -- at this rate. HARRY Not if she gets the message. ALBERT I'm not sure I have yet. What is it? HARRY A new age Watch now: we get a second chance now with everybody. Harry takes the nachos from the baby and holds him close. ALBERT To what? What are you thinking of? And don't tell me teething rings and Gerbers Game

niahts

and silicone

or

47

HARRY I might like this job just as good Or helping her get mine right, Gib. It's saline now, Bachelor Number 1 ALBERT You mean she was right? Harry smiles as he coos with the baby. HARRY About what? She hasn't nailed us yet

EXT.

CAPITOL BUILDING LAWN - DAY Helen and her team walking the lawn with metal detectors. HELEN (VO) We're gonna have to do a complete Fail-Safe analysis of the entire... country From inside out Now

INT.

FOOTBALL STADIUM - NIGHT

^

During a game. Helen and her team prowl the rafters above

•

the fans for signs of possible terrorism.

EXT.

CITY PARK - DAY As people move about, Helen and her people sweep the area, communicating via ear-pieces and small video-imaging monitors showing location and caller. HELEN (VO) We could be vulnerable anywhere to a hostile strike At any time Places of work, fun, you name it

EXT.

INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY Helen and her crew checking out a manufacturing site. HELEN We're

fail-safing

not only government but important industry I want a new

standard of excellence: prevention

Not

just awareness after the fact

ALBERT (VO)

» \

Good job, Coach. Now can we run the play Helen, this madness is gonna pop back

uv

where you least expect

u're

unprepared,

dig?

or

Jt fc\

3PN

48

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Harry and Helen, with Jonathon and Gib, all having a family outing protected by a phalanx (in bathing suits) of agents. It's not just an outing, it's a security check of the sands. HELEN That's why we're at the beach today, Gib -- to keep it safe from industrial hazard contamination. You never know how, when or why they'll strike. HARRY If we just acted like a family, we could stop worrying about when "they" were gonna strike and figure out

how

to

nave

some fun again HELEN Harry You still haven't learned how to put sun-screen on your girl without peeling your eyes for some trouble to get into Look at my shoulders: red HARRY Not get into, Helen, to stay out of He slathers some tanning oil on her shoulders as she talks to her agents with a cell-phone/power book monitor hookup: HELEN Sights or sounds? Look for possible tourist-types acting like... HARRY ... We do? Like spooks Harry takes the cell-phone from her and shoves it down in between her breasts in her one-piece suit. HARRY No mace today It's the only way I'm gonna lay a hand on you -- "sweetie" HELEN If I'm gonna make this leap I'm gonna need all your help -- we need to take care of business on all fronts, Hare. HARRY What

leao?

or

49

yfl^N

She looks at him incredulously. HELEN What leap? What are we working on? Get with it, guy -- the Big Case HARRY Is that what you're working on now...? HELEN My job: national security. You know it

well.

Let's

talk

about formula then. Are you testing temperature before every feeding? HARRY My arm is black and blue with second-degree bottle burns Now I wish I did have your... "equipment" (glances cursorily, then lustfully, at her breasts) Helen, "we're" talking now: remember you and me? Pluto and Fifi...? HELEN It's not you and me anymore, "Pluto" It's "We" The whole family: the Continental 48 and the satellites, the Big island and the Great North. Harry, we are talking the world now and all it means: protecting it. That's my job when it gets down to

it:

Global Village, Priority One. ALBERT (interceding sentimentally) What about the family right here and now, Helen? Who's worrying about them? Where's the Tooth Fairy gonna be when she's needed? The Den Mother who tells him not to stay out late? The teacher and friend, the saint who reminds him about homework and cooties HELEN

Gib,

how much did he pay you to think for him out-loud to me?

^s

ALBERT

'.

I get to imagine I'm his penis for a night turned on by beautiful babes attracted to a dashing super spy...

or

50 HELEN So that's what I've been missing at home Thank God Anyway, I thought one of you weaned the other like wolf

cubs,

you and Hare? You still believe in Fairy Tales? Boy should learn now: not be naive at any age Harry is dejected by her macho attitude. Gib has a tear in his eye HARRY Helen, tell me: how far are you gonna go? You make jokes like we used to... HELEN Make love? Harry -- this is a responsibility that's bigger than a hot date. It's bigger than a weekend made for Michelob Bigger than Super Bowl commercials Bigger than... HARRY ... You and me, Helen? He moves to her for a

kiss.

She turns slightly away. He is devastated, takes Gib's hand for strength, then walks away. Helen is hurt by her actions, but couldn't help them. ALBERT It's too bad — I never thought he'd swing this way: I don't feel the tingle Look what you've done, Helen HELEN A man to man Go after him, guy Gib goes after Harry to help him, intercepting an agent with a mine sweep who finds a silver dollar Helen looks after them, demoralized at heart -- but resolved to her new woman HELEN Come back to me, Harry. Bigger and better than...

me

EXT.

SCENIC LAKE - DAY Power boats in the water, racing. A lot of activity on shore. A big, black water bird blows past us, shaking

_

things up, spreading the smaller boats to the distance

or

51

INT.

SLACK STEALTH POWER SHIP - DAY As it speeds through the ranks of sporty power boats. On its side: "THE DRACONIAN." In it, this massive stealth machine, Harry and Gib, with baby Jonathan in his

arms,

enjoying the spray on their faces, as Harry maneuvers, with

r.anic

force, through the traffic on this playful Sunday. ALBERT You got permission to use this for a weekend excursion on the lake, Hare? HARRY Permission? I'm a spy, I make my own When did I have to ask permission to vaporize a Turkish Hashish smuggler When did I have to ask permission to bug a U.N. assembly meeting? When did we ask permission to interrogate a White House staffer about to leak the wrong "spin" Huh? When? When

y0*\

ALBERT Hey Without the fringe benefits --the bloated government pay check would just be gravy

Harrv aives

him a look: don't be so cute always

-*

»

-

HARRY If the taxpayers want to take a look at the sleekest secret weapon their spy agency has hidden from them, "The Draconian," let them eat cake While we test it out for everybody Harry swigs a beer: he's looped. He makes a wrong turn and almost wrecks, but maneuvers past all kinds of sleek racers. ALBERT Hey, if you're feeling like Joan of Arc with the ancient references --start acting like Noah instead and lead us to the Promised Land: vending booth 21 Gib

takes the wheel and tries to steer them

to shore and a vending booth/picnic area.

or

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5

ALBERT An emasculated, numb, non-feeling, double-talking, ass-kissing,

feministically

P.C.

and happy for it, Viagra-taking because she makes him need it 'es Person who likes "Mad

Abet

You" reruns and non-dairy creamer, who appreciates a fake orgasm better than a slam-dunk and stops singing in the shower when he uses all-over body wash on her backside to smooth out the cellulite and

"digs"

shopping Sunday mornings in the

Fall...

You feel like that? Harry shakes his head, "No": he's snapped out of it. HARRY You've met this guy? ALBERT

Nan.

Heard of him though. In Cosmo

or

something like that. Most ineligible bachelor of the month Harry softens -- for Gib's

sake.

Gib starts bailing like a baby, resting his head in Harry's

arms.

Harry comforts the baby and the man at once, one with each arm. HARRY I understand.

INT.

HARRY AND HELEN'S HOME - NIGHT Helen enters from a hard day at the office, removes her coat and shoulder holster, slings them over the coat rack, kicks off her shoes, pulls her blouse loose from her skirt and tramps to the living room, flops in the Lazy Boy and kicks her feet up, sighing, grabs the remote control and flicks on the TV: a romance novel-like movie is on. She doesn't like

it.

She changes and finds another "Woman's" movie. Tries to get through one of the really romantic, heart-breaking scenes, then shakes her head violently "No" and finds Hockey She watches, enraptured, a slow smile creeping

across her face. Behind her, as we

WIDEN,

we

see Harry (a delightful smile on his

face) approach and

clasp his hands

over her eyes. She rockets out of the chair

and throws him over her and onto the

floor at her feet. She

looks down and sees him, aghast -- helping him up. HELEN Harry Don't surprise me

or

54

HARRY I made dinner and I wanted to... HELEN You

•

.?

I already ate.

HARFY

What':

When? I've been waiting for three --HELEN K.F.C. at the drive-thru. They did make the mashed potatoes bigger. HARRY I've got: Wolfgang Puck's favorite entrees and

Dom

Perignon... HELEN What's that? Oh, yeah — fun stuff HARRY Helen You haven't become me yet

\

Are you armed? He looks surprised. HARRY No -- not now. I had Jonathan in the walker, so... Helen grabs Harry's arm and twists it behind his back, pushing him down the hall to the bedroom fast. HELEN What room? HARRY Helen, what are you doing? HELEN The son of the first assistant to

.the

Chief Information Officer is a highly desirable target -- who's protecting him ? HARRY Helen -- I am He's my son

or

131 Harry swirls down to see them okay in the water. Helen jumps for joy in the Torch. Simon is amazed. Gib maneuvers dc

i

and lands on the water to pick up the news crew. They

• ~

in. He then flies back into the sky Harry and Whitel.. fly at each, other — a game of chicken Helen watches, petrified. At the last second, they avert, spinning up and around each other, the helicopter doing an upside-down

roil

-impossible, but Whitelaw performs it. He's exhilarated. Harry sees Helen — and looks worried. WHITELAW (over radio) One more shot and I light up that Torch, Harry, and both those girls Harry knows he can't shoot at Whitelaw anymore. Whitelaw smiles -- he has no such restriction. He flies

f^

fast at Harry -- firing his Vulcan cannons like crazy. Harry maneuvers all over the sky to avoid him, barely missing Gib and The Draconian, as Gib gets in the way comically, cursing himself out for not being any help WHITELAW (over radio) It's my shot, Harry -- a

duel

You had

yours

Stand up and be a man or see your woman do it for you Whitelaw hovers in front of Helen, ready to annihilate her with fire. Harry pauses the Harrier in mid air, thinking about this and what to do Simon stands up to

Whitelaw's

chopper, going to bite the bullet for Helen. She's moved, looking out at Harry for what he's going to do. ALBERT Harry —

page

three

He's

Satan You can't mess around now —

s«y

he'll pull a rabbit out of

his...

HARRY

What? Well,

what does

it

say

or

/tfffi n

132

Albert scrambles to find the paper as he steers The Draconian. He can't read it and fly at once' WHITELAW

Three, two...

~ •

.;RY

Wait

Face me. Take your brst

shot,

Traitor. Harry turns the Harrier to

Whitelaw's

chopper, ready to be shot "in a

duel"

Whitelaw turns the chopper

around

slowly, facing Harry. WHITELAW Miss me or hit me -- and you take out them. Or: you can be a man HARRY It's your

shot:

take it Whitelaw thinks about it, locking in his rearview mirror at Helen in the Torch behind him: he likes her, looks just a tad reticent here. She sees his eyes on her and smiles... her bad self back She takes her top off

Whitelaw's

eyes widen to see her breasts. Simon closes his, muttering "Areolas " Helen mouths, "Shush, I'm working here, guy " Gib is stunned Helen jumps from the Torch Whitelaw watches her

fall.

Gib dives The Draconian down to catch her. Harry is enraged, shakes his head and... Whitelaw looks up: Harry's Harrier is gone. Whitelaw looks down: the Harrier right beneath him, under him, lifting him up, attached to the chopper by pressure and the helicopter's landing gear Harry moves out and up, Whitelaw on top, his "prisoner." Whitelaw fumes, trying to steer up and off the Harrier Helen, falling, is swept up and into The Draconian by Gib. Simon jumps But it's too late to be caught by Gib. He splashes into the bay. Harry spirals Whitelaw away from the Statue of Liberty,

srinnino

him -- and himself -- cut over the Sea.

Thev

--

or

/rtffirfck

like a strange mating of a wasp and a humming bird -- spin out over the Sea, Whitelaw firing rockets and cannon fire to propel himself off Harry's harrier, Harry (to keep him on), spinning and whirling, up and down, side to side, the fire from the helicopter harmlessly

hitting

the sea — almost wiping out the crew of a vacant

cru:<?-liner

as it strafes its sides, sinking it, but not

ki3 •: -;g

anyone. Harry holds on for dear life,

Whitelaw

for Harry's death, his only means of escape, in this mad dash of aerial dance

WHITELAW

I'm the one, Harry, they want: the future You're the past: forgotten. Like a dusty old file Shredded... HARRY You can kill you, but can you kill me? That's the big question — the one who's going to stop your future

WHITELAW

You end me and you're finished now

too.

So you are just as bad as you want to be, Harry -- as mean as me In The Draconian, Helen, wearing Gib's shirt now, watches her husband spiraling to his death with the helicopter. HELEN Jonathon, Harry Think of... our

son

I am now. Harry, beat him Harry sees the giant garbage keel's of the NY City sanitation department hauling out to Sea the city's massive garbage disposal. He smiles. Whitelaw sees it and frowns, knowing now what Harry wants to do. WHITELAW

No,

no, no, no, no Kill us instead We'll die in glory, not --Harry crash lands the two of them on a garbage skiff Sending garbage flying and workers running for cover. Harry and Whitelaw crawl out

of

their machines, facing. WHITELAW (in admiration) You're bigger. I'm jealous HARRY (in appreciation) You're smarter. I'm -- not

or

134 Whitelaw smiles about that "Irony." They fight — like

two...

Super stealth secret agents: very violently good Gib lands The Draconian near them, Helen and the news crew-getting out and onto the garbage skiff, watching Harry and Whitelaw pummel each other like two junkya^

dogs.

The tension is out of the encounter, the two

me

ot knowing if they should kill each other or start over: e makes a rove the other never thought of, the other count s with an improve of action never seen before Helen intervenes. HELEN Let's share the power They stop fighting. Whitelaw severely worse for the wear. Harry ready to resume the melee. HARRY Just when I'm about to save the world HELEN Or lose it He knows the codes How to keep it from falling apart ALBERT So does Dan. He just e-mailed me V Albert hands Helen a power-book. Whitelaw fumes, then sighs and hangs his head -- defeated. Harry stands, hung-out to dry with no bad guy to kill now. The Omega Sector crew-shows up, Marisa and Jay at the lead to take them all to safety. The garbage men go back to dumping the trash at

Sea.

Helen wags her finger at them: "No, no, no " The garbage manager, a surly brute (cigar in

mouth),

objects: GARBAGE MANAGER Hey, you think you can land here and tell us what to do. Dis is New Yawk, lady. We got rules Harry knocks him into the Sea. But is unsatisfied. HARRY ... I'm a spy, I make my own rules Not good enough, Helen. More...? HELEN

Well,

what would be, Harry? Me too? HARRY

No

You and me and our world back

(

HELEN Our world, Harry? I think I know how to get it You ready for me, Harry?

or

^B \

135 She holds up the power book -- the power of the Universe in her hands Whitelaw looks intrigued again, wanting it back. Gib kicks him in the ass and knocks him into the Sea — accidental kicking his Omega Sector crew in with him... ALBERT I did it Got a lot of our crew canned too -- but

I

did it, me... Albert Gibson, not Harry Tasker --Harry pushes him in next to Wr.itelaw floating in the steaming garbage. Gib swim-races away for safety. Whitelaw locks up at Harry and makes himself sink... But he bobs back up Pissed that he couldn't kill himself for

real

Helen gets in The Draconian, taking Harry's hand and they power off, picking up Gib on their way.

INT.

THE DRACONIAN - NIGHT Flying over the city, Helen and Harry kissing, Gib trying tc not feel like the odd man out. ALBERT

Oh,

Helen...? Harrv...? The world They break. HARRY Can you save it? HELEN I can try She winks. HELEN Harry, strangely enough Brady's big plan wasn't that bad: for ten minutes tonight at Midnight we'll be able to rule the world, take authority over every foreign currency, foreign military, and our own, circumvent all known laws and put a woman at the apex of the power structure of the Globe But just for ten minutes...? Can I...? Harry, so in love with his wife again, he beams, HARRY (smiles)

f

What do you want to do? And don't tell me just cock. I can do that

Now.

And not as bad as vou think.

or

136 ALBERT

No,

Harry — no

If

she does it, we're dead As we used to

be...

HELEN You take over then,. Gib. See how you'd run things. Go for the gusto He looks totally surprised, overjoyed,

then

they both give him looks: "Are you kidding?" He sighs — but satisfied As Gib guides The Draconian like a gondola driver, Puccini playing, Harry holds Helen, as they talk about how to save the world, theirs and everyone else's, Gib serenades them HELEN The Work Week? A four day weekend... Profit sharing Assisted child care. 365 days of Heaven My first edict. HARRY Crime? Taxes? Drugs? Porn? Social Security? The State of the Union of the greatest country on Earth never run by a woman Any more thoughts? HELEN Quash crime with caring Respecting your elders is daring Tax the rich: what a bitch Steal from the poor — their poverty and despair And every man married and "miserable" Harry? Harry kisses her: so happy now that they're together again. ALBERT Harry — he wasn't as bad as you now Not nearly as bad as... I'm switching sides at this rate What did I become a spy for — a perfect world? Helen, we'll be out of business now HARRY So mature Spell it out, honey There's another child present • HELEN Love your "mother" even if you don't Helen smiles at Gib and Harry, smirking about the innuendo Gib sings out like a troubadour -- Elton John's: "I'm a Bitch, I'm a Bitch, the bitch is back, stone-cold sober as a

^

matter of fact ", steering their flying boat home Harry chimes in with "Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang" They

ail

harmonize in-sync changing the song

and

going for the gusto'

i

\

or

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