Beyond A Joke: A Sequel to ‘A Drop Dead Fred Continuation’

by Suzie
 

The peach-coloured scented candles had burnt down almost to stumps. Most of them had gone out. Now the last two were starting to flicker, casting strange shadows on the walls and ceilings, shadows that bounced off of an exhausted Elizabeth and Fred who lay together in bed, gazing up at the ceiling of quivering silhouettes. Both wore wide smiles of complete contentment, their faces glistening with a sheen of sweat.

Elizabeth let out a long, slow deeply satisfied sigh.

“Wow!” she exclaimed, slightly incredulously.

“I know!” Fred replied.

“That was…just…” Lizzy tried to continue. She met Fred’s eye.

“Wow!” They both finished together. Lizzy laughed happily, and snuggled up closer to Fred as he slipped a strong arm around her slender shoulders.

“Think I’m getting better at this game.” he said smugly.

“Oh yeah?” said Lizzy, eyeing him playfully.

“Yeah. Surprising really, considering this is the only game I’ve played where coming first isn’t everything.”

Lizzy sniggered, and jabbed him in the ribs with her finger. “Hmm. Maybe one of these days I’ll even get to win.”

Fred grabbed a pillow and playfully whacked Lizzy over the head with it a few times, her weak protests interspersed with irrepressible giggling. At last she snatched the pillow off him and pulled his face towards hers. They kissed passionately for a few moments. Letting out an exhausted sigh, Fred lay back contently in the soft pillows and put his hands behind his head. Lizzy lay her head on his chest once more.

“What day is it?” she murmured, kissing his toned flesh.

“Um…Sunday night.” Said Fred thoughtfully. “I’m exactly three weeks and two days old.”

“God, has it been that long?” she replied, frowning into his skin.

“I guess so.” He yawned.

“Except the days when you actually did turn up to work.”

“Mmm. Longest days of my life.” Lizzy murmured sleepily.

“Still,” he went on, “If you ask me, it was probably a good thing you didn’t go in the day after that first weekend. It kind of reminded me of the time you fell out of that treehouse.”

“How so?” Lizzy inquired.

“Well, both times you couldn’t walk for the next twenty four hours!” Fred finished, a fiendish glint in his eye. Lizzy began to laugh again. When she stopped, she raised herself up onto one elbow and turned to look into Fred’s eyes. She was silent for a moment.

“Do you ever regret it?” she asked him earnestly, “What, our 48 hour, non-stop…”

“No, not that. You know what I mean. What you did for me. Everything you gave up.”

Fred looked at her. Slowly, he leant forward and took her hand. “No.” he said, sounding completely serious. “Not for a moment. He reached up to caress her hair. “Being with you is the only place I’ll ever want to be.”

Moved by his words, Lizzy kissed him once more. “I love you.” She whispered.

Fred smiled. “I love you too.” He replied.

All was quiet for a moment. Lizzy tilted her head on one side. “Oh my God,” she said. “I don’t believe it. I think that was the first time you’ve said that without gagging!”

“Hey, I was gagging on the inside!” Fred insisted stubbornly.

“No you weren’t!” Lizzy smiled triumphantly.

“Yes I was!” he retorted.

Lizzy’s smile grew. She gently smoothed the hair away from his eyes. “I think my boy’s becoming a man.” She cooed

Fred shrugged resignedly. “Who knew I had it in me?!”

“Mmm, speaking of which…” They kissed gently, Fred’s hands moving down the length of her arms and moving lower still. Behind them, the remains of the candles finally sputtered and went out.

The bright sunlight penetrating through the curtains fell like a caressing hand on Lizzy’s sleeping face. It seemed to tug at the corners of her half closed eyelids, urging her to open her eyes. She smiled in her half–conscious state, stretching her arms over her head and yawning lazily before opening her eyes fully to the brightness of the morning.

“Morning world,” she murmured, struggling to remember what day it was. Sighing, she rolled over to put her arms around Fred. Her arms closed on nothing. Looking up now, she noticed that the bed was empty. Lizzy sat up and looked around her in confusion. After a moment, she shrugged and pulled the covers down to her knees. Fred must be up already, she thought. Unusual for him. For such a lively individual with enough energy to supply a small third world country, Fred was incredibly lazy when it came to getting up, especially considering it was barely eight o’ clock. Swinging her legs round, Lizzy rose to her feet, her slim black nightdress dropping to her calves. Rising to her feet, Lizzy felt her toe collide with something solid. Glancing downwards, Lizzy was surprised to see the jack-in-the-box lying at her feet. With a half-smile, she knelt and picked it up, holding it lovingly in her hands. As she gazed at it, without warning the tune began to play. Lizzy watched in fascination as the wind-up handle spun on its own, belching out its gentle, chiming rendition of ‘Pop Goes The Weasel’. It seemed to go faster and faster, until finally the lid was thrown open. Lizzy found herself peering inside in curiosity.

How strange, she thought.

After examining it for a few minutes, Lizzy determined that it was indeed empty, and setting it down casually on the bedside table, padded across the carpet towards the bathroom.

“Fred?” she said, tapping gently on the door. “You in there?” She waited. There was no answer. She tried the knob and was surprised when the door opened easily. “Fred?” she called, stepping out into the hall. All was silent. As Lizzy listened, she began to realise that there was something not quite right about this morning. Instead of Fred, lying snoring in her bed or bustling around and making a mess in the kitchen, there was nothing. Moreover, instead of the noise of the traffic in the street outside, all was quiet. Lizzy strained her ears to hear even the tiniest sound of life, and found nothing. Walking briskly back into her bedroom, Lizzy threw some clothes on over her nightdress. Stepping into a pair of slip on shoes, she strode over to the door and stepped out into the hall.

“Hello?” she called tentatively, “Is there anyone there?”

Silence.

“Fred? Anyone?”

No reply.

Panic began to surge inside Lizzy. She knew instinctively that there was something wrong. She exited the building as quickly as she could, not encountering a single soul on the way. Outside, Lizzy looked right and left before taking off at a march down the street leading to the main road. Cars were tightly parked, but not a single one was moving. Reaching the end of the block and stepping out onto the main road, Lizzy was astonished. Not a single car could be seen. The road was completely deserted! The traffic lights continued to change from red and amber to green without a single vehicle passing through. Lizzy strained her eyes as far as she could in either direction. Nothing. Lizzy swallowed hard, feeling a hard lump of tension in her throat as she did so. Turning left, she walked as fast as she could down the street, heading downtown. After a few unbearable moments, she broke into a run. She began to run faster, as fast as she could possibly go. The only sound to be heard was the pavement pounding beneath her feet, whilst her heart thumped in her ears. She ran until her legs threatened to give way beneath her, until the waves of nausea rose up inside her, finally stopping her dead in her tracks as her aching lungs, fit to bursting, drew in deep, rasping breaths and her eyes watered in dismay.

“FRED!!!!!!” she screamed. “WHERE ARE YOU? FRED!!!!!!!!! DON’T YOU LEAVE ME, DON’T YOU LEAVE ME TOO! NOT YOU, NOT YOU, FRED!!!!!!!!!!” In a state of total despair, Lizzy sank slowly to her knees on the damp pavement, trying in vain to hold back the hopeless tears, holding her head in her hands as she screamed in utter dismay and confusion.

The bright sunlight penetrating the curtains fell like a caressing hand on Lizzy’s sleeping face. It seemed to tug at the corners of her half closed eyelids, urging her to open her eyes. Lizzy sat bolt upright. Breathing heavily, she forced herself to take a few deep breaths, at the same time trying to keep back the tears now pricking the corners of her eyes. It was the fourth time in three weeks she had had that nightmare. Instinctively, Lizzy quickly glanced to the right-hand side of the bed. It was empty, the covers turned down to the corner. Lizzy tried to quell the mixture of déjà vu and panic that began to rise within her as she craned her neck to explore the rest of the room. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, Lizzy started to make her way to the bathroom. Her toe struck against something solid by her feet. Lizzy hesitated before looking down, half-expecting to see the jack-in-the-box lying there. What she saw instead was quite different. Fred was lying face down on the carpet, motionless. He wore only his bright green boxers and his breathing was muffled against the carpet. Lizzy acknowledged him silently. After a moment, she sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Not again,” she muttered, shaking her head. “How many more times?” She sighed again, before kneeling down beside Fred’s unconscious form.

“Fred?” she said gently, her mouth close to his ear. Fred didn’t move.

“Fred?” she said again, caressing his wild orange locks with one hand.

He grunted in acknowledgement but still didn’t move.

“Fred, get up.” Lizzy said, a slight edge to her voice.

Fred mumbled something incoherent, shifting his weight slightly, but he still did not attempt to get up.

Lizzy rolled her eyes once more. Suddenly, she had an idea. The corners of her mouth twitched slightly. She ran a hand through her long, brown hair.

“Oh Fred,” she murmured in the most seductive tone she could muster. “Mmm, I’m sooo hot. Sitting here in my sexiest girly underwear, you know, that black thing that you like.” She moaned in what she hoped was a suggestive manner. “Think I’d better take it off.” A wicked smile crossed her features. “Do you wanna help?”

“Ohhh yeah!” exclaimed Fred, immediately rolling over and sitting up. Seeing Lizzy kneeling beside him and not, as he had imagined, in a state of undress his face fell. He sighed. “You know, one of these times you really will be wearing your sexiest girly underwear and want help getting out of it, and I’m not gonna wake up!” He said indignantly.

Lizzy shrugged, “So what else is new?” Seeing Fred’s mortified expression, she smiled reassuringly, before adding, “Fred, how many times do I have to tell you? For the majority of people in this world, it is simply not possible to jump off the side of the bed, turn a somersault in mid air and land on one’s feet without injury.”

Fred rubbed the painful lump on the back of his head. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. It’s just kind of hard to remember, you know? There was so much I could do before…before…”

Lizzy looked away, not wanting Fred to read the guilt in her face. Fred noticed this however, and with a smile he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek, slipping one arm around her shoulders in tacit reassurance. Lizzy looked him and smiled. She took his hand in hers.

“One of these days you are really going to do yourself a serious injury if you’re not careful.” She intoned. At this, Fred sprang to his feet.

“Not me, I’m Drop Dead Fred!” he exclaimed, pumping his arm backwards and forwards as he spoke to emphasise the words. “Nothing and no-one is going to hurt me.”

“Yeah, well, do me a favour and just don’t go and stand in front of any more fire trucks okay?” Lizzy replied, standing up and walking to the door. “Let’s not put your theory to the test.”

“Oh come on!” Fred exclaimed, “How stupid do you think I am? I think I know by now that…that…trying to open a bottle of beer with your head for example, is going to hurt.”

Satisfied, Lizzy strode into the bathroom and shut the door.

“Pity I had to learn that the hard way though.” Muttered Fred under his breath, as soon as he was sure Lizzy was out of earshot, touching a finger to a tender spot near his eye socket.

The potent black liquid frothed and steamed, letting off its pungent, unmistakable aroma. Carefully, Fred tilted the neck of the bottle and deposited ice cold milk into the cup. Spooning in sugar, he stirred the brown solution until it resembled a mini whirlpool before removing the spoon. He took a deep breath. Gripping the handle, hot from the mixture within, Fred reluctantly raised the cup to his lips. He felt sweat beads on his face as the steam touched it. Forcing his unwilling lips apart, he screwed up his eyes and very hesitantly swallowed a mouthful. He grimaced.

“Shit!” he exclaimed, setting down the mug with a crash and wiping his mouth with hand. It was no good. Rising, Fred carried the cup to the open window and threw out the rest of the contents, simultaneously hoping that next door’s cat was not walking below. It was the same every morning, and he had tried, he really had. But he simply did not like coffee. Despite the seven sugars he had used this morning, it was still the most foul-tasting concoction he had ever tasted. Even the ‘grass soda’ that he and Lizzy had tried to make once tasted better than that. But it was all part of Fred’s plan to be as normal an adult as possible, and do normal, adult things. Like drink coffee in the morning, which was apparently what adults did, according to Lizzy. After rinsing the cup under the tap, Fred began to make chocolate milk. Finally, he sat back down at the kitchen table and poured himself a bowl of Cheerios. He opened the day’s newspaper at random and began to read. This was another ‘adult’ thing that Fred was trying his hardest to adopt. In fact, Lizzy had been delighted to come into the kitchen in the mornings to see Fred busily studying the daily newspaper. Little did she know that he inserted a comic book into the pages! Once, when he was supposedly reading the paper, he had laughed out loud at something in the comic, and then had to make up some story about the queen of England tripping over a corgi! He took a sip of chocolate milk as he contemplated this. Here he was. A man who drank chocolate milk that he pretended was coffee, who read comics between the pages of broadsheets and watched the news wearing earphones. Maybe he should just come clean with Lizzy. She’d understand, right? But Fred was unsure. Who or what did Lizzy really expect him to be now that he was real? Who or what did he expect?

“Hey gorgeous.” exclaimed Lizzy as she entered the kitchen. She held a small pile of envelopes.

“Hey.” Fred folded up the paper and continued to eat his cereal. Lizzy leaned over and kissed him. She was wearing a matching blue skirt and suit jacket over a crisp white blouse. She wore black tights and high heels, and Fred found himself admiring her slim legs. She helped herself to coffee, then sat opposite him as she sorted through the post.

“So what are you up to today?” Lizzy asked pointedly.

Fred’s face was blank. He screwed up his eyes thoughtfully. He knew there was something he was supposed to do today, but he couldn’t remember what it was.

Lizzy waited expectantly.

“You’re supposed to be buying yourself some clothes today, remember?” she prompted him. “For job interviews, once you get them that is. And don’t forget, I’ve made you an appointment at that temping agency. This afternoon at 3.30.”

Fred’s face cleared. “That’s right, I almost forgot.” He half-smiled. “Mind you, we haven’t exactly had much need for clothes lately, have we.” He said suggestively, leaning over and slowly moved his fingers up Lizzy’s arm. Lizzy felt tingles of electricity running up and down her spine and smiled.

“Seriously, Fred. Appearance is everything in the world of work,” she went on. “You’ll need to look the part.” She strode over to the counter and opened her handbag. “Here,” she said, handing Fred a wad of bills. Fred’s eyes lit up. A look of worry momentarily entered Lizzy’s face as she handed him the money.

“You know where to go, right?” she asked.

“Sure.” He replied. “I’ve been to the mall before, remember?”. He stuffed the wad of notes into the pocket of his trousers. “Only this time, I promise I won’t smash any windows.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear it.” Lizzy replied. She closed her handbag. “I gotta go to work.” She leaned over and kissed Fred gently on the lips. “Wanna meet me for lunch?” she asked him.

“Absolutely.” He responded. “What time?”

“I’m not sure. Can you give me a call?”

“No problem.” Fred stood up and put his arms around Lizzy’s shoulders. “Now, what was that phrase you taught me. Er…” he thought for a moment. “Oh yes. ‘Have…a nice…day.’ That’s it.”

Lizzy smiled. “You too, Fred.” She kissed him on the cheek. “See you later.” She hooked her handbag over her arm and headed for the front door.

As soon as she was gone, Fred pulled out the pile of notes from his pocket and stood examining the cash, his eyes dancing as he let out an excited exclamation of glee.

Elizabeth glanced at her watch as she approached the revolving door to the office. Good, she wasn’t late. Punctuality had never been her strong point, and she was still nursing the emotional wounds from that time when her tardiness had cost her her job at the courthouse a few months ago. Looking up, Lizzy saw Joanna and Caroline, two of the company secretaries, standing to the left of the door having a morning smoke. They were deep in conversation, talking in hushed voices. As she neared the doorway, Lizzy managed to catch some of their conversation.

“Well, it came as something as a shock to us all you know.” Joanna was saying.

“I’m not surprised. I mean, it’s not like he’s even been working here all that long.” Caroline replied.

“And to think who they’ve got to replace him.” Joanna exclaimed. Lizzy could hear the disapproval in her voice.

“Oh, I know! Can you believe it?” Caroline agreed.

“But why is he leaving now? Do you think it’s got anything to do with…”

“Shhh!” Caroline hissed, noticing Elizabeth. Joanna also turned around.

“Oh, morning.” Joanna forced a smile.

“Hi!” Caroline gushed, her voice dripping with false sentiment.

“Morning, Jo, Caroline.” Lizzy said politely, pushing the door with one hand. As she passed through, Lizzy was sure she could hear the two of them whispering once more, but she could no longer hear what was said. She longed to know what they were talking about though, and kept looking back towards the door as she made her way across the lobby and past Cath’s desk. As she turned to face forward once more, Lizzy immediately collided with someone in her path.

“Oh!” she exclaimed in surprise.

A medium sized cardboard box went crashing to the floor, spilling its contents at Lizzy’s feet. Feeling an involuntary blush steal over her features, Lizzy looked up slowly into the face of…

“Kyle!” Lizzy exclaimed. “Oh God, I’m so sorry.”

Kyle smiled an uncomfortable smile. “That’s ok,” he shrugged, bending down to retrieve the box’s contents. Lizzy bent down to help him. There was an awkward silence. Things hadn’t been that easy between them lately, Lizzy reflected. Ever since she had introduced him to Fred, Kyle had seemed a little…well, different. Ill at ease around her.

“So,” she said, breaking the silence. “What’s all this? Spring cleaning?”

Kyle did not look up, but continued to place the items back in the box. “Um, no, actually.” He replied quietly. “I’m um…I’m, well, I’m…” He took a deep breath. Lizzy sensed his gravity. She sat back on her haunches and acknowledged him with a look of seriousness.

“Kyle, what is it?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”

Kyle forced himself to look up into the eyes which he thought were the most beautiful he had ever seen. He sighed.

“I’m leaving.” He said.

Lizzy’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Leaving?” she repeated. “You mean, for a holiday?” she said hopefully.

Kyle shook his head. “No. I mean I’m leaving the company.”

Lizzy stared at him. “But, Kyle…” She hesitated. “Why?”

Kyle looked down once more. “Because I want to. I need a change of scene. Besides,” he added looking up, “This other company’s been practically begging me to be their new Head of International Operations for nearly five months now.”

Lizzy put the last item in the box. “Really? Five months? And you kept saying no?”

“Yeah. Think I’ve got too comfortable here, too secure. Recently I’ve found the push I needed. I met someone and saw that she was a person who really knew what she wanted in life. Who wasn’t afraid of what anyone else thought of her, who was brave enough to go after what she wanted, regardless of the consequences. Who once told me that she was prepared to confront her fears and face the unknown, alone and unassisted. Though, as it turns out, she discovered she didn’t have to be alone.” He slowly stood up, holding the box once more. “Fred’s a lucky guy, Elizabeth. And no-one deserves to be happy more than you.”

Lizzy rose to face him. She looked at him for a few seconds before she spoke. “Kyle…” she began,

“Look, you don’t have to say anything.” He interrupted her. He couldn’t meet her eyes though. Lizzy pressed her lips together and nodded. There was silence for a moment. “Well, I guess…good luck.” She said. She held out her hand to him. Kyle finally met her eyes. He put the box on the floor, and took her hand in both of his. He held it firmly, and smiled. “Goodbye Elizabeth Cronin.”

Instinctively, Lizzy leaned forward and kissed Kyle on the cheek.

“Goodbye, Kyle.” She said. “Thanks for…for giving me a chance. I don’t know how I can ever thank you for what you did for me.”

“You already have.” Kyle replied, and smiled once more. Lizzy smiled back, and watched as Kyle moved towards the revolving doors and stepped out into the sunshine. Suddenly, she realised something. “Oh Kyle, I forgot to ask…” But he was gone. She was going to ask who had replaced him. She sighed, and began to walk towards the double doors that led to the main offices. At that moment, the doors flew open and a young girl of about twenty-three years of age staggered out. She was carrying a huge pile of glossy magazines that were obscuring her vision, and did seem to be struggling under the weight of her burden. Lizzy noticed that she had reddish brown hair and pale skin. She was looking quite flustered, and there was something about her that intrigued Lizzy. Turning sideways, the girl noticed Lizzy and smiled wearily. Lizzy smiled back. “Here,” she said, coming forward. “Let me help you with those.” She reached out and took half the pile from the unresisting girl.

“Thanks.” She exclaimed with genuine gratefulness. “I’m Jill by the way. Jill Soames.”

“Elizabeth Cronin.” Lizzy replied. “I would shake your hand, but…” She shifted the magazines in her arms. Jill laughed.

“Yeah, I know. I had no idea there’d be so many. But Ms Hughes asked me to bring everything I could find, so… I’m her PA, by the way.”

Lizzy raised her eyebrows in surprise, “Ms Hughes?” she enquired.

“Yes, she’s the new Head Buyer.” Jill replied.

“Oh. Right.” Lizzy said, with realisation. “So, she’s a woman. How long have you been working for her?”

“Oh, too long!” Jill laughed, although Lizzy was sure she sensed a hint of truth behind her words. “Almost a year now.”

“I see.” Lizzy and Jill were walking towards Kyle’s old office. “So, tell me.” Lizzy went on, “What’s she like?”

Jill hesitated before replying, “Oh, well, she’s…she’s…”

“Jill!” exclaimed a high-pitched, distinctly feminine voice. “Where are you?! I asked you to bring me those magazines nearly fifteen minutes ago!”

“Sorry, Ms Hughes. I’m coming.” Jill replied in flustered tones. She began to move faster towards the door, with Lizzy close behind. Lizzy thought the voice sounded familiar but she couldn’t quite place it.

“Well, good. I almost had to wait!” The door opened and, tottering out in five inch heels wearing the shortest skirt Lizzy had ever seen, her tight blouse open to her cleavage, appeared…Annabella! It was Annabella! Lizzy’s mouth dropped open. Here she was practically face to face with the woman who had stolen her husband. Instinctively, she tried to hide her face behind the pile of magazines she was carrying, but it was too late.

“Oh, I see you’ve found a friend.” Annabella went on, barely glancing at Elizabeth. Jill dumped her pile on the desk.

“Oh, yes,” Jill said. “Ms Hughes, this is Elizabeth Cronin.” Behind her pile of magazines, Lizzy heard Annabella quietly catch her breath. She had been hoping there was a chance that Annabella would not remember the name. Swallowing, Elizabeth carefully laid the pile on the desk with the rest of the magazines. With a deep breath, she turned around, forced a smile and held out her hand.

“Pleased to meet you, Ms Hughes.” She said, a little too enthusiastically. She glanced awkwardly at Jill, who didn’t seem to notice anything amiss. Elizabeth noticed a brief flush of colour touch Annabella’s cheek, as she tentatively clasped Lizzy’s outstretched hand.

“Ms Cronin,” she acknowledged with a taut smile. Lizzy could feel perfectly manicured fingers digging into her own.

“You must be the assistant buyer I’ve heard so much about. I’m the new head of the department. You’ll be directly under me.” she added,

“I guess so.” Lizzy replied. First Charles, now me, she thought, a smirk touching the corners of her mouth. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jill looking at her curiously. Annabella looked at Jill.

“I think that’ll be all.” She said drily. Jill began walking towards the door. Lizzy started to walk after her. Hell, she wanted to run out of the room!

“Er, Elizabeth, can I have a word?” Annabella said, sitting behind her desk. Her back to Annabella, Lizzy cursed silently. Reluctantly, she turned to face her.

“Could you close the door please?” Annabella said. Lizzy obeyed and approached the desk. They acknowledged one another in silence. Annabella looked a little different to how Lizzy remembered her. Slimmer, if that was possible, considering her already waif-like figure. Her hair was still blonde, but it was longer and had been straightened she noticed. Lizzy cast her mind back to the wine-tasting party. The toga-clad waiters, the purple dress she had worn, Drop Dead Fred lying on his back on the floor, looking up between Annabella’s stick-like legs, his eyes popping out of his head.

“No panties!” he had hissed to her, pointing upwards, his mouth open in amazement. “No panties!” he had said again, a jet of steam shooting out of each ear.

“Get up!” Lizzy had hissed back, gesturing madly to him. “Get up!” But Fred could not be moved.

“So,” began Annabella, jerking Lizzy back to the present. “Here we are. Again. And…is it Mrs or Ms?” she added, a smirk touching the corner of her perfect lips. Lizzy felt a small surge of anger.

“It’s Ms.” She replied. No thanks to you, she almost added out loud. Annabella continued to acknowledge her.

“Elizabeth,” she leaned towards her. “I know this must be awkward for you,”

You wish!

Lizzy did not reply, but continued to glare at her in silence.

“But as far as I can see it, we’re both adults. We’re both professionals.”

“We’re grown-ups now.” Lizzy heard Fred’s whispered voice in her head.

“And I hope that we’ll be able to work together in a mature and professional manner, despite our prior knowledge of one another.”

“Kiss him!” Fred had said, trying to push her into Charles’s arms. She had tried to resist, but Fred had shoved her once more and she had toppled forward into Charles’s arms.

“You said she was mousy!” Annabella had shrieked in apparent dismay.

Elizabeth met Annabella’s unflinching eye.

“Yes,” she said finally, forcing a smile. “I hope so too.” Her fingers were clenched into fists behind her back.

“Then perhaps you’d be kind enough to not mention any of this to the rest of the staff.” Annabella went on.

“No, we wouldn’t want that would we. I mean, it’s not everyday you arrive at your job to find yourself working for the woman who slept with your husband, is it?” Lizzy flashed a sarcastic smile.

Annabella flushed. “Look,” she said, “All I’m saying is, can we at least try to be civil to one another, for the sake of the rest of the employees?”

Lizzy narrowed her eyes. She turned to leave. She hesitated, one hand on the doorknob.

“Congratulations, Annabella.” She said, her back still turned. “Not everyone could do this job.”

Annabella smiled. “Thank you, Elizabeth,” she said, surprised. Lizzy looked over her shoulder.

“Most women would blanch at the thought of having twenty men under them. You must have some experience in that area.” And with that, she left the room.

Annabella continued to beam with pride, not understanding Lizzy’s implication.

Carefully inspecting her reflection in the full-length mirror, Melissa Maguire couldn’t believe her luck. After two months of crumbling, eighty year old women, or bitter, Botox-injected ex-wives, living off generous divorce settlements. Fifty year old women struggling to look twenty five. Eighty five year old women struggling to look fifty. Always the same. A personal shopper’s work was never done. And finally, after two months! Melissa dug around in her pocket for her powder compact. She opened it, and dabbed the brush, blew on it, and swept it carefully over both of her cheeks. A subtle rouge now adorned each side of her face.

“How’s it coming?” she called, looking in the mirror at the fitting cubicle behind her.

“Nearly there. Be right out.” The curtain moved slightly.

Melissa smiled at her reflection. Good, she thought, retrieving her lipstick from her other pocket. Pouting, she applied the dark, rich red colour to her lips.

Melissa thought to herself. When he comes out of there, I’ll ask him out. I will. Simple as that. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She had never asked a guy out before. Never had to. But this guy, well. There was something about him. He was very handsome, certainly, with big blue eyes and a lovely smile. And that accent! British, she thought. But it was his charisma as well. She had noticed that right away. This guy was confident, all right!

Melissa bit on a tissue. “So how’s it look?” she asked, not looking up.

“You tell me.” Said the smooth-voice coming from right behind her. Melissa turned around. She smiled in admiration.

“Wow.” She exclaimed. “You look…you look…really good. Great!”

Fred stood sideways on and looked in the mirror. “You don’t think the sleeves are too long?” He tugged the sleeves of the jacket down.

“No, not at all. You’re perfect. I…I mean, it’s perfect. The suit.” Melissa could feel herself blushing.

Fred turned to face the mirror to inspect the whole ensemble. “You don’t have any a bit greener, do you?” he asked.

“No, I’m afraid not.” Melissa came towards him. She brushed her hand down Fred’s arm, under the pretence of dusting if down. “But the colour you’re wearing is very in at the moment. Besides,” she ‘brushed down’ his shoulders, “If it’s for an interview, you wouldn’t want to go any lighter than that.” She stood beside him, looking in the mirror.

Fred thought for a moment. “Well…OK. I’ll take it.” He flashed her a smile. Until that moment, Melissa thought ‘weak at the knees’ was just an expression!

“Good!” she exclaimed. She walked over to the cash register, just a few feet away and jabbed in a few keys. “I think you’ve made the right decision.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Fred continued to look at himself in the mirror. “I only hope

Elizabeth likes it.”

“Oh, I’m sure she…” Melissa froze in the process of typing. She coughed awkwardly. “Um…who’s Elizabeth?” she asked, trying to sound as casual as she could.

“My girlfriend.” Fred replied absently.

“Oh.” Melissa felt a wave of disappointment surge through her. He had a girlfriend. Well, of course he did. I mean, look at him.

“Anyway, here.” Fred moved over to the cash register and placed a pile of bills in Melissa’s hand. “That should be enough. I’ll just get changed.”

“Oh, OK, sure.” It was an effort for her to smile now. Fred stepped into the cubicle and drew the curtain.

“So,” Melissa asked, hoping she sounded as casual as possible. “You and your girlfriend been together long?”

“No, not long.” Came the reply. “About three weeks.”

“Oh?” Melissa’s voice brightened. She felt a small, surge of hope. “Have you…known her long?”

A short pause followed. Then, “All my life.” He answered.

“Ah.” Disappointment flowed through her once more. She looked over and watched the swaying curtain.

“Just my luck.” She muttered sadly.

Elizabeth jangled the key in the lock, and opened the door. Closing it quietly behind her, Lizzy stooped down and retrieved the pile of letters from the mat, simultaneously setting down her handbag and typewriter. Walking into the open- plan kitchen, Lizzy threw her keys onto the counter, and the pile of bills down with it.

“Honey, I’m home.” she called. “Do you want some coffee?” she asked, picking up the kettle. Humming quietly to herself, Lizzy filled the kettle, lit the burner and placed it on the stove.

“Charles?” she called. She listened. Silence. Lizzy frowned. That was odd. She expected Charles to be home by now.

“Charles?” she called again. She strained her ears to listen. Lizzy could hear muffled voices coming from the living room. She continued to listen. Two voices. One of them was Charlie’s. But the other she couldn’t recognise, except that it was female. The door was ajar. Lizzy walked over and stood in the doorway. Whispering, interspersed with giggling and heavy breathing. Lizzy threw open the door, and gasped.

“Charles!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing?”

There was her husband, amid a pile of discarded clothing, having sex with a beautiful blonde on the sofa. Their sofa. The one they had just bought for $500. Charles looked up as she entered, but Lizzy was too shocked to say anymore, and just stood there, staring at the two of them, frozen in shock. Charles opened his mouth to speak.

"I’d love some coffee.”

“Pardon?” Lizzy said, jerking her head upwards from her desk.

“I said, I’d love some coffee.” said Jill, putting her head around the door. “Can I get you some?”

“Oh. Um. Yes please.” She replied, still distracted. Jill looked at her.

“Are you feeling OK?” she asked.

Elizabeth gave herself a mental shake. “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry. Um, white with no sugar, thanks.”

“OK, be right back.” Jill’s head disappeared.

Elizabeth sighed, picked up the phone and dialled home. She waited for the beep, tapping her fingers impatiently on the side of the receiver.

“Fred? Fred? Are you there?” she exclaimed, but Fred did not pick up.

“Oh Fred, I really need to see you.” She went on. “I’m having the worst day. First Kyle left, and you will never guess who’s replaced him! So, look, when you get back, can you come and meet me for lunch at about 1.30? I hope I’ll see you then. Bye.” She replaced the receiver. Resting her chin on her hand, she glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 12.30 now. She hoped Fred would return home within the hour. She sighed. It was at times like this that Lizzy wished Fred was still imaginary. At least then he’d appear whenever she needed him. Well, most of the time!

At exactly 1.25pm, a very smart-looking bright red convertible pulled up outside the offices of Mason & Temple. The equally handsome young man of thirty or so in the driving seat, ran a hand over his slicked-back hair, checked his reflection in the mirror and adjusted the shades on his nose. Satisfied, he turned off the engine, opened the door on the driver’s side and stepped out, slamming the door carelessly behind him. Standing on the sidewalk in front of the building puffing casually on a cigarette, Annabella Hughes was watching this with some interest over the rim of her sunglasses. Wearing green khakis and a dark green jacket unfastened over a white t-shirt, Drop Dead Fred stepped up onto the pavement. Whistling tunelessly, he strolled towards the revolving doors and was just about to enter when he happened to glance to the right. He stopped. He stared. He looked straight at Annabella, a look of incredulity on his face. Annabella met his gaze, unflinching, mistaking his look of recognition and disbelief for admiration. She was used to men admiring her. Somehow, seeing her standing there, Fred instantly knew who Lizzy had been talking about on the answer-phone. He felt his heart surge with sympathy for her. Naturally, Lizzy no longer had any residual feelings for Charles, Fred knew that. In fact, he had been the one who had helped Lizzy see that. But still, Fred could imagine how awkward it must be for her. He had to get to her. He turned back towards the doors.

“Excuse me?”

Fred glanced up on reflex and wished he hadn’t. Annabella was standing right next to him, leaning back on one foot, a cigarette held between the long tapering fingers of her left hand. Try as he might, Fred couldn’t help noticing just how open her shirt was. He turned away awkwardly.

“You got a light?” she asked him, her voice soft and low.

“No, I’m sorry.” He mumbled in reply. He made a move towards the door, but Annabella was blocking his path.

“Oh dear. Good thing I have.” She went on, pulling a lighter out of her pocket and using it to light the cigarette she now held between her lips. Replacing the lighter, she took a long drag, and exhaled, blowing smoke seductively towards him. Fred coughed, and tried to get past her once more.

“Oh, come on. No need to run away.” She cooed, “I don’t bite. Unless I’m asked.” She flashed him a dazzling smile. Fred was starting to lose patience.

“Look, An…” He almost called her by name then. “An…an important thing has come up and I have to…”

“Whoa, slow down there, tiger.” Annabella said suggestively, “You haven’t even asked me my name yet. Annabella.” She held out her hand to him. Fred groaned inwardly. It was times like this that he wished he could still vanish at will. This was just one of the problem of being real, he was required to interact with people. Annabella was holding her hand up to his face, probably expecting him to kiss it. He merely took her hand instead.

“Fred.” He replied indifferently.

“Pleased to meet you, Fred.” She flashed him another one of her brilliant smiles.

Fred’s impatience was increasing. “Look, I’m here to take someone to lunch, so if you don’t mind…”

“No, not at all.” She simpered. “Italian’s my favourite. There is this simply gorgeous little pasta place just down the road from here, La Bella Conchielli, they make this delicious…”

That did it. Annabella hadn’t even finished talking when Fred reached forward, took hold of her upper arms and lifted her clean off her feet. Annabella stopped talking and gave a yelp in surprise. Still holding her, Fred turned 90 degrees away from the doorway before setting her down on the sidewalk. Having quite literally moved her out of the way of the door, (which was the only reason he had resorted to such drastic measures) Fred now attempted to release her. But by now, Annabella had gotten a hold of his upper arms and was giggling like a schoolgirl.

“Well, that’s one way of picking me up!” she remarked flirtatiously, in between giggles.

Fred closed his eyes in exasperation, still trying to release himself from Annabella’s clutches.

“FRED!” Lizzy had been watching this interesting display from the other side of the glass doors. Fred whipped his head around.

“Lizzy!” he exclaimed, before abandoning decorum completely and unceremoniously shoving Annabella away. By now, Lizzy was through the double doors and standing before them. Annabella had also turned to look at her.

“Elizabeth!” she exclaimed, a little surprised, before regaining control of her cool demeanour. “How nice to see you. Off to lunch?” Whilst she was talking, Fred, standing to the right of Annabella and a little behind her, was miming strangling him myself with both hands, eyes bulging as, unobserved by Annabella he continued to mime his disgust towards her.

“I had no idea you two knew each other,” she went on, “Fred and I were just talking. It was very…stimulating.” At that moment, Annabella glanced at Fred who was in the process of pretending to stick a finger down the back of his throat, then promptly gagged as he saw Annabella look his way.

The corners of Lizzy’s mouth twitched in amusement.

“Fred? Could I er, talk to you for a moment please?” Lizzy said between her teeth. Out of the corner of her eye, she was sure she could see Annabella smirking but couldn’t be sure.

“Yes. Absolutely.” Fred quickly replied, making to move towards her but was prevented by Annabella’s pseudo-casual arm gesture, appearing as if she were leaning by the doorway whilst blocking Fred’s path completely.

“Ohh.” Said Annabella, sounding a little too disappointed. “We were just getting to know one another.” She pouted at Fred in a way which she knew from experience nearly always made her irresistible to the opposite sex. But Fred barely glanced at her, his wide-eyed look of exasperation at Annabella’s behaviour observed by Lizzy but completely lost on Annabella herself. Still pouting and only half-looking up, she coquettishly ran a hand up and down Fred’s arm. “Do you really have to go?” she cooed.

“Yes! He does!” exclaimed Lizzy, answering for him as she reached forward and pulled Fred by the jacket towards her. Fred stumbled forwards through the doors, mouthing a quick ‘thank you’ to Lizzy as he did so. With Fred safely by her side once more, Lizzy forced a parting smile in Annabella’s direction, as she put one hand on Fred’s forearm to lead him off.

“Bye-bye Fred.” Annabella waggled her fingers at Fred’s parting form, but Lizzy did not allow Fred to look back even if he wanted to. As she watched the two of them wander back into the office, Annabella was looking Fred up and down, a strange smile playing over her features, a look of determination and confidence in her eyes.

“Would you mind telling me exactly what all that was about?” exclaimed Lizzy, swinging the door of the office open so violently that it smacked the wall on the other side, making Fred who was following her flinch.

“What do you mean?” he asked warily.

“What do you mean ‘what do I mean’? Just now! Your tête-à-tête with Little Miss No-Knickers?”

“That? I’d hardly call that a tête-à-tête.” Fred replied annoyed. “I came to take you to lunch like you asked, when that stupid bitch decided to block my way. She wouldn’t let me past.”

“And that explains why I walked out of my office to find that…that…woman in your arms?”

“Yes!” Fred retorted sharply, and quickly explained the process of manoeuvring Annabella out of the way. Lizzy felt her irritation subsiding and a smile touched her lips.

“Fred,” she laughed softly. “You moved her out of the way. A woman you hardly knew, you physically removed her?” She was laughing again but she wasn’t sure why.

“Sure.” Was Fred’s simple reply. “She was preventing me from reaching you. I couldn’t get to you because she was in the way.” He spoke seriously and began to walk slowly towards her, his eyes never leaving hers. “And I’m not letting anyone or anything stand between me and you. Not anymore.” Lizzy practically melted into his arms at these touching words. Fred kissed her, and gently pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. Lizzy hugged him tightly.

“Anyway, fancy trying to stop me from getting past just to spite you.” Fred said, still holding Lizzy. Lizzy looked up into his face, her arms still around his waist. She acknowledged him curiously. “Did you tell her you were coming to meet me?”

Fred frowned as he thought about this. “Actually, come to think of it I don’t think I did. I said I was meeting someone. Then you showed up and…”

Lizzy laughed quietly, shaking her head from side to side. She impulsively kissed him on the lips. “Oh Fred.” She said. “Wasn’t it obvious? Annabella was flirting with you. She was interested in you. Not because you were with me as she didn’t know that at the time.”

Fred was still puzzled, “Well, why then?” he inquired, causing Lizzy to smile at him once more.

“You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?” exclaimed Fred, feeling slightly infuriated with the one woman he adored.

Lizzy held her arms tighter around him. “Well, this may come as a bit of a shock to you, but…you’re a good-looking guy. You’re handsome. You’re attractive.”

Fred face cracked with laughter. “Oh, come off it!” he exclaimed.

“You are!” Lizzy insisted.

“Well,” Fred said thoughtfully. “To you, maybe.”

“No, not just to me Fred. A lot of women find you handsome.”

“Yeah, right.”

“It’s true!” Lizzy persisted. “Annabella for one, it was obvious. Chances are, she isn’t the first woman to have wanted to be lifted off her feet by you.”

Fred smiled. He felt her slim body between his forearms and his smile grew. “You were jealous?” he asked, still slightly incredulous. “Of her?”

“Well…it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve lost someone to her, would it?” Lizzy said carefully.

“Yes, but you’re forgetting two very important things.” He replied, rocking her gently from side to side. “One, Charles was an arsehole. Two, I’m not the slightest bit interested in that anorexic stick-insect.”

Lizzy raised her eyebrows slightly, “Yes, well it didn’t seem that way when you were lying on your back with smoke shooting out of your ears!”

Fred suddenly looked very confused. Then his face cleared. He let his arms fall. “Oh yeah,” he said sheepishly. “I’d forgotten about that.”

“Quite. So, forgive my unease at the unalterable fact that you have seen that woman’s…”

“Oh, snotface,” Fred exclaimed, clasping Lizzy in his arms. “I’m not the slightest bit interested in Annabella. I have you. You’re the one I want. Not that…that…fake blonde bimbo.”

Lizzy frowned. “What makes you so sure she’s not a natural blonde?” she asked.

Fred looked at her, then tipped his head in a downwards gesture. Lizzy grimaced. “Oh, oh God.” She clasped her hands over her eyes. “Why did I have to ask.”

“At least I don’t think she…”

“Fred, stop.”

“I think I even saw some dental floss down…”

“FRED!” Lizzy silenced him. She sighed wearily. Coming forward slowly, Lizzy let Fred put his arms around her. A second later she was hugging him back.

“I’m sorry.” She said quietly.

“Shhh. It’s all right.” Fred replied, rocking her gently to and fro. Lizzy let her head rest on his chest. Feeling her hair on his cheek, Fred looked around the room for the first time.

“Is this your office?” he asked. “I don’t remember you having an office?”

“No.” Lizzy replied, her voice slightly mumbled against his chest. She stood up straight and Fred released her. “No, it belongs to Terry and David but they’re on vacation and I’ve been allowed to use it to work in while they’re away.”

“Oh.” Fred replied interested, acknowledging the white walls, the minimalist upholstery, moving towards the large desk in the middle of the room that boasted a considerable collection of knick-knacks, paperweights, snow-globes, that kind of thing. He began touching the objects on the desk, picking them up and examining them one by one.

“Fred,” Lizzy came over and stood beside him, “Fred, please don’t move anything. David and Terry will be back in a couple of days and I don’t want it to get messed up.”

“OK, sorry.” Fred held up his hands in mock surrender. In his left hand he held a blue glass paperweight that, as a result of this gesture, slithered from his grip, hit the floor with a dull thud and rolled under the desk. There was a sharp clump as it collided with the piece of wood that fronted the vast bureau.

“Fred,” Lizzy closed her eyes in exasperation.

“It’s OK, calm down, I’ll get it.” Fred ducked down on his hands and knees and crawled under the table. Absently, Lizzy moved to the chair before the desk and sat down. It slid forward slightly on its wheels as she did so. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, leaning back in the chair as she did so.

“Fred, what are you doing down there?” she asked, when he did not immediately re-emerge. “Fred? Fre-ooooh!” she exclaimed, breathing out sharply as she did so. She gripped the side of the desk with one hand.

“Oooh!” she exclaimed once more, her other hand gripping the arms of the chair, her eyes closing slightly in the exquisite pleasure of the delicious things that were happening below the desk.

“Fred,” she gasped, “Fr-ed, wh-at, are you, doing down there? Oh!”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Came the smooth-sounding voice of Fred, slightly muffled. “I’m comparing. Now…”

Lizzy let out a slow moan of pleasure, her breathing becoming fast and shallow.

“Mmmm…Ohhh…” she gasped, closed her eyes and threw her head back, practically sliding off the chair now. “Don’t stop.” She murmured, as Fred continued his attentions. “Ohhh, that’s good.” She opened her eyes in surprise and enjoyment. “Yes, YES,” Her eyes began to close once more.

“

Elizabeth

?”

“Yes!” Lizzy opened her eyes once more. The sight of Annabella standing in the doorway jerked Lizzy back to the reality of her surroundings. “I…I mean, yes? Annabella?” The thud that was Fred’s head hitting the underside of the wood emanated from beneath the desk. Fortunately, the piece of wood that fronted the desk concealed him completely from the now rather curious gaze of Annabella.

“What was that?” she asked.

“That?” Lizzy asked, all innocence. “That was… that was, nothing, um can I help you, Annabella?”

Annabella’s puzzled expression darted from the desk to Lizzy’s expectant face.

“Right,” she continued. She was holding a lever arch file underneath one arm, which she now opened. “So, how are we coming?”

Lizzy almost fell off her chair in astonishment. “Excuse me?” she exclaimed, shifting in her position. A suppressed snigger from beneath the desk fortunately went unnoticed by Annabella.

“Is it being seen to?” she went on.

“I’ll say.” Lizzy exclaimed under her breath, as Fred, seemingly oblivious to Annabella’s presence, continued. She let out a small whimper. Suddenly aware once more of Annabella’s puzzled scrutiny, Lizzy attempted to remain coherent. “Um…what…what do you mean?”

“The report? The one I asked you to look at this morning?” Annabella raised her eyebrows in impatient expectation.

“Oh!” Lizzy realised, writhing in the chair once more. “Yes, of course.”

Annabella was reading the contents of the file. “And are you satisfied?” she asked, without looking up.

Yet another barely concealed snigger emerged from beneath the table. Even Lizzy found herself smirking. “Um…not…not quite, but…I…I soon will be!” she panted, finding it difficult to speak amid such distraction.

Annabella continued to acknowledge her with frank curiosity. “Well…good.” She said, a little uncertainly. She wrote something in the file. She turned to leave, much to Lizzy’s relief, but paused near the door and looked back at Lizzy’s anxious face.

“Are you all right?” she asked. “You look a little hot?”

Words were beginning to fail Lizzy. With the activities of Fred down below, she was finding it increasingly difficult to keep up this charade. “Um…”

“Pale too.” Annabella continued, not so much out of concern for Lizzy, more for concern for how Lizzy might reflect on herself or the business. “Have you had lunch yet?”

“Um…(oh!) Er…no, no, not yet.” Lizzy stammered, her voice more high pitched than normal, her eyes opening and closing.

“Well, make sure you have something that fills you up.” Came the reply. And with that, Annabella finally strode out of the office, closing the door behind her.

“I don’t think that will be a problem.” Remarked Fred huskily, re-emerging from beneath the desk. Lizzy let go of the breath she had been holding with a moan.

“You arsehole!” she gasped, when Fred was standing once more, a wicked grin on his face. “That was just so…”

“Good.” Fred finished, trying to put his arm around her.

“Embarrassing!” she exclaimed, pushing him away. “Why didn’t you stop?”

“You told me not to.”

“What?” Lizzy exclaimed, infuriated.

“You did! You said, ‘Don’t stop’, remember? Just before Annabella came in.”

Lizzy closed her eyes in exasperation, ready to chastise Fred. But all words failed her as she felt Fred’s lips nuzzling her neck.

“Anyway, I know you liked it. I could tell.” He murmured, his hot breath in her ear. His arms, encircling her waist, edging lower. He began to kiss her neck. He could sense Lizzy responding, but then to his utter surprise, Lizzy suddenly pushed him away. She held him at arms length, seeming to ignore his astounded expression at her sudden aloofness.

“I have to make an important phone call.” She said firmly, her voice controlled and even. Fred was taken aback by her firmness, the disappointment registering on his face. He dug his hands in his pockets and made to move away from the desk.

“Fine. I’ll go.” He grunted in undisguised frustration. He turned to leave.

“Stay right where you are!” came the abrupt reply. Instinctively, Fred froze. He stared at Lizzy in amazement, who was punching numbers into the phone. Holding the receiver to her ear, she met Fred’s stunned yet fascinated gaze with that same firmness with which she had addressed him. Behind her set expression, Fred saw something in her eyes that excited him. He was rooted to the spot.

“Hello, reception? Cath?” Lizzy spoke into the mouthpiece. Fred listened, feeling puzzled. Her ‘important phone call’ was to reception? He waited.

“Hold all my calls and put out a ‘do not disturb’ for me for the next…” she met Fred’s eyes. “…Better make it half an hour.”

Fred’s eyes widened. His mouth opened in surprise.

“Thank you.” Lizzy replaced the receiver. Meeting his eyes once more, Fred saw such a fierce passion behind her expression that he hadn’t seen before. It alarmed yet excited him. He watched in genuine awe, as the Lizzy who had previously warned him not to make a mess, now swept the entire contents of the desk to the floor. Diverting his eyes from Lizzy to the many items now littering the floor was a mistake, as it meant Fred was taken off guard when the newly impassioned Lizzy grabbed him by the collar and threw him down onto the cleared desk. Fred gasped in surprise and delight as Lizzy climbed on top of him until she was astride.

“When you said you wanted to have me for lunch, this wasn’t quite what I had in mind.” Fred said gruffly.

Lizzy smiled, nose to nose with him, tightening her embrace. “How’d you feel about French?” she asked, kissing him passionately as she pulled him towards her.

Drop Dead Fred ambled along at a leisurely pace, enjoying the last of the afternoon sunshine and carelessly kicking an empty Coke can along the pavement. On reflection, he thought the interview could have gone better. A lot better. The interviewer had been initially interested when Fred told him he had some office experience and had been in a law firm, but after asking just how much time Fred had spent in an office, and Fred had replied “About 10 minutes,” he seemed a little less enthused. When he had asked if Fred had any special skills, the interviewer had seemed less than impressed with “Snot flicking” and “Making mud pies” and was positively gobsmacked when Fred explained that his lack of an employment record was mainly due to “having been sealed in a box for ten years.” Yet shortly afterwards, Fred had become quite excited at seeing the interviewer pick up the phone and dialling a number. Perhaps he had found him a job already! When he heard the interviewer mention the word, “Security”, Fred began to wonder if he would be working as some sort of armed guard. Yet, when a man in uniform appeared in the doorway and asked if Fred would be kind enough to accompany him, he was escorted not as he imagined to a seat behind a desk in some sort of plush office building nearby, but to the contrasting discomfort and indignity afforded by a concrete pavement. So, here he was. Fred sighed deeply, wondering how Lizzy would react to the news that he had messed up what was not even a proper interview. Would she be angry? Would she shout? Lizzy wasn’t exactly the most forceful person in the world, but judging by her behaviour earlier that afternoon… Fred couldn’t help but smile at this remembrance. Quickening his pace now, his feet automatically turning in the direction for home, Fred saw a little boy walking with a woman with a pram. The boy had a trundle toy with him that he pulled along by a string, and was dawdling behind his mother. Nearing Fred, the boy looked up and smiled a toothy grin. Fred smiled back, and winked. The boy giggled.

“Come along, Peter.” The woman said briskly, clutching him by the hand to hurry him along. Fred watched to see him go and in the process of looking around saw something that made his face light up. It was a joke shop. A gaudy yet cheerful flashing neon sign declared, 

‘Flagg’s Gags’ over the door, but as far as Fred was concerned it might as well have said ‘Heaven’. Intrigued, he made his way towards it and pushed open the door. A bell tinkled softly as he entered. It was dark inside, giving the place an Aladdin’s cave-like feel to it. His eyes dancing with excitement, Fred began to look around him at the hundreds and hundreds of jokes and novelties that lined the place from floor to ceiling and seemed to go on forever. Eyes goggling, Fred moved towards the nearest set of shelves and began to examine the contents. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been in a joke shop, let alone seen one of this size. For several moments he was lost in a buffet of whoopi cushions, pepper gum, itching powder and many other jokes and novelties. Fred heard the bell tinkle once more and looked up. A sweet looking little boy with mouse brown hair was peeping round the door. His eyes goggled just as Fred’s had done and he made to bring the rest of himself round the door and into the shop.

“Yes, yes, Harriet, but what time? I don’t care if it is his half-day, I need it done today!”

Fred winced at a shrill voice that sounded like nails on a blackboard, as the door of the shop was thrown open to admit the entrance of a plump, middle-aged woman. She wore a tweed coat and was clutching a mobile phone to her ear. Her blonde hair was twisted round her head into a tight bun that was partly covered with a red scarf. The little boy scampered away from the doorway towards a shelf with masks and giant sunglasses.

“Jason! Jason!” the woman called to the boy, covering the mouthpiece with her hand. “You’ve got five minutes! Five minutes only! Don’t you dare break anything in here, I’m not paying for it and neither is your stepfather!” She went back to her phone conversation, standing in the corner, staying close to the door as if afraid to venture any further into the place. Keeping her coat wrapped tightly around her as if somehow afraid that she might become infected by her surroundings. Fred blinked. At the look and sound of her voice, he was immediately reminded of old Ms Fuzzock, the childminder who used to make poor Natalie Bunce’s life a misery. She immediately reminds Fred of Ms Fuzzock, the childminder who used to terrorise poor Natalie. He grimaced, and turned his attentions to Jason, who was carefully examining a pair of glasses with ping pong ball eyes. Poor kid. He thought. Suddenly, Fred had an idea.

“Pssst!” Fred hissed. Jason looked up and saw Fred who was half hidden behind a row of shelves. The sight of Fred’s smiling face and the warmth behind his expression made Jason immediately smile back, and make his way towards him.

“Hello.” Fred said as Jason came towards him. “What’s your name?”

“Jason.” He replied, not at all shy in the presence of Fred. “What’s yours?”

“Dro-…er, I mean, Fred. I’m Fred.” He inclined his head towards the woman, completely absorbed in her phone conversation, barking orders into the receiver. “She with you?”

Jason nodded glumly. “Mrs Crouch. She’s my nanny. My stepdad pays her to look after me.”

“Jason!” Mrs Crouch’s shrill voice rang out clear and formidable. “Hope you’re not making a nuisance of yourself over there! Or your stepdad will hear about it, you mark my words!”

“No, Mrs Crouch.” Jason replied. Satisfied at this reply, Mrs Crouch turned back towards her corner.

Fred pulled a face in her general direction. “She always like this?” he asked.

“No. Sometimes she’s in a bad mood.” He replied sombrely.

“I’ve told you before, I’m not interested in the hows, the whys and the wherefores…” Mrs Crouch was saying. “I made an appointment with Anton five days ago and I expect him to honour it…He was the one who did it the last time…I know it’s only been three weeks but it’s grown back since then.”

Fred rolled his eyes. “Hairdressers?”

“Liposuction clinic.” Jason replied simply. Fred sniggered, as the woman continued to grumble.

“Mrs Grouch more like.” Fred said, and Jason giggled. “Listen Jason. Want something to wipe the smile off old grumpy-boots’s face?” he asked. Jason’s eyes lit up and he nodded eagerly. Fred crouched down and whispered something into the boy’s ear. “Here,” he said, talking normally. “Take this.” He handed Jason a kaleidoscope from one of the shelves. Then, from his pocket, Fred withdrew a long, black fountain pen that Lizzy had given him.

“Yes, well, next time I shall just take my ass, er, business elsewhere!” Mrs Crouch pressed a button on her phone and slid it back into her handbag. “Jason, where are you?” She waited but Jason did not appear.

“Come here now! We haven’t got all day. D’you think I don’t have better things to do with my time than run after an eight year old!” Sighing with exasperation, she began to look for him. Rounding the corner of a set of shelves, she found Jason sitting on the floor holding a coloured plastic tube.

“There you are!” she exclaimed irritably. Looking up, Jason offered the tube to the nanny, a sweet little smile on his face. “Look, Mrs Crouch?’” he said eagerly, offering her the kaleidoscope.

“What’s this?” She asked, sounding bored.

“Look through it.” Jason told her. “It’s really pretty.”

Mrs Crouch nonchalantly raised the kaleidoscope to her eye. “Hmm,” she said after a moment, turning the end of the tube around. “Nice.” She lowered the plastic tube. She blinked and glanced at Jason, “What are you smiling about?” she asked suspiciously, noting the smirk on his face that he tried quickly to hide.

“Nothing.” He quavered, “Nothing at all.”

Mrs Crouch eyed him suspiciously, before tossing the kaleidoscope back onto the shelf, oblivious to the thick circle of black fountain pen ink round one eye. At that moment, her mobile rang again, and as she wandered away to answer it a beaming Jason rushed over to Fred who has crouching behind a shelf and had been watching all this from his concealed position. With a laugh of glee, Fred linked the little boy’s pinky finger with his own.

“That was fun!” Jason exclaimed. “Got anymore tricks I can try on the old bat?”

“Well,” Fred cast his mind back to what he and Natalie did to Ms Fuzzock. He whispered into the boy’s ear. As he continued to whisper, Jason’s smile grew and grew.

“Come along now, Jason.” She said in undisguised irritation. She took Jason’s sleeve to lead him from the shop. Jason took one last look at Fred before letting himself be led outside. As he did so, Fred heard Jason ask, “Mrs Crouch, do we have any rope?”

Whilst watching him go, out of the corner of his eye, Fred saw two little girls looking at him, their hair in plaits. They had been over in the corner, looking at the selection of wigs, but since the kaleidoscope incident, had been watching Fred and Jason with no little interest. One of the little girls was sucking her finger. Seeing them looking at him with undisguised curiosity, Fred smiled and winked. At this, it seemed both girls forgot their shyness and came straight over.

“Hello.” Fred said, crouching down once more. “What are your names?”

“Hello.” They chorused, still a little apprehensive. “My name’s Hannah.” One of them said. “And this is Chantelle.”

Chantelle took her finger out of her mouth long enough to give Fred a little wave.

“Our brother’s mean to us.” The one called Hannah said. “He pulls our hair and says we’re stupid.”

“Does he now.” Fred replied, a slight glint in his eye. “Well, I think I know just the thing for obnoxious big brothers.” He grinned. “Tell me, does your brother like sweets?’

William Flagg, ‘Woody’ to his friends couldn’t help but shake his head in disbelief as he watched the scene before him. During the course of what must have been at least two hours, it seemed that Fred was permanently surrounded by kids of all ages. They seemed to gravitate towards him instinctively, each one of them wanting his advice on a particular joke or trick. All of them, talking at once. He would pull faces, make lively gestures with his hands. His animation was almost contagious as, one by one, he made a suggestion or a particular piece of advice to each kid which would often make them dance up and down, their eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Now, to this you want to add just a pinch of bicarbonate of soda. Not too much, remember?” he said to one.

“Orange juice is the key. Without orange juice it’ll be nowhere near as powerful.” To another.

“Just wait until you see what happens when you mix that with cold tea and mashed bananas!” He told one excited young girl.

“Liquorice, mustard powder and cardomon pods. Best way to do it.” One mesmerised young boy heard.

“It’s important to use equal measures of food colouring and washing up liquid for the fake blood.” He informed another boy.

Lastly, “Use vinegar instead of lemon juice. You’ll get clearer resolution.”

Woody was astonished by what he saw and heard. The shop had become quite crowded. The till was fuller today than it had been all week as one by one the children filed past the cash desk with their items. When the last kid had left the shop, Fred slowly rose from his crouched position to stretch his cramped limbs. He looked around to see if any children remained who might require his assistance. Satisfied that there were none, Fred smiled. He had liked helping those children. It brought him back to the times when, as an imaginary friend he had helped young Lizzy and then Natalie through troubled times. Be it a thoughtless father, a moaning mother or an obnoxious older brother or sister Fred had had a suggestion to make. Little Fiona’s father would find himself on the receiving end of a foaming sugar surprise. Jonathan’s mother would be treated to a mustard powder meringue. Seeing their faces light up and the look of absolute glee behind their expressions at a suggestion of his had made Fred feel happy and contented, feeling that he had helped to change something in their lives for the better. And that thought alone carried Fred along, his feet barely touching the ground as he made to go towards the door.

“Excuse me?” Woody came out from behind the desk and towards him. Fred, who had barely acknowledged the shopkeeper, having been so involved with the contents of the shop itself now had a chance to examine him properly. The first thing that struck him was that he was rather peculiarly dressed. He was a few inches shorter than Fred and slightly stocky. He wore knee length bermuda shorts with an equally loud shirt, open over a white vest. His sun bleached blond hair reached to just above his shoulders and perched on his head was a sun visor. He wore socks with sandals, and looked like he had quite literally just stepped off a Californian beach. Which wasn’t far off actually, since Woody had moved from

Los Angeles a few months ago.

“William Flagg.” He said, extending his hand. “Folks call me Woody. I own this joke emporium you see before you.”

“Fred.” Fred said, shaking the hand Woody offered him. He smiled. “Folks call me Fred. Quite a place you’ve got here.”

“Thanks. I moved up here from LA a few months back, had my own shop there too.” As he spoke, he moved back around to the other side of the desk. Fred followed and stood opposite him.

“So,” Woody asked, leaning forward. “How long you been in the joke business?”

Fred looked slightly taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I take it you must have been in the business for a while. Seeing the way you were talking to those kids. You really seem to know your stuff.”

Fred rubbed the back of his neck. “Well,” he said awkwardly. “I wouldn’t say I’m in the business exactly, but, well…practical jokes have been a way of life for me you might say for a good many years now.” “Until recently.” He added.

Woody raised his eyebrows. “Oh, right. So, you’re between jobs at the moment?”

“Yeah I guess.” Fred replied. “In fact I applied to an agency earlier this afternoon for work, but I think I might’ve messed up. I don’t exactly have a lot of office experience.” “Or indeed interest.” He added, a little guiltily. “It would be nice to do something that I enjoy and that I’m actually good at, you know. The job I used to have…well, never mind.” Looking up finally, Fred noticed Woody acknowledging him earnestly, and felt a little embarrassed. He hadn’t meant to share so much, least of all to a total stranger. Still, he couldn’t help noticing that Woody was smiling quite warmly.

“Well Fred, you might be pleased to hear that an opportunity has just opened up in the exciting world of novelty retail.” He opened his arms in an expressive arc. “A chance to work in the fast-paced, dynamic, action-packed, non-stop arena of innovative trading.” His arms were outstretched in an illustration of the magnitude of his words.

“Really?” Fred’s eyes were dancing with excitement. “Where?”

Woody’s face fell. He slowly lowered his arms to his sides. “Well, here.” He replied. “What do you think?” he added hopefully.

“You’re offering me a job? In your shop?” Fred could hardly believe it.

“You bet I am.” Came the enthused reply. “I’d be a fool not to. This shop’s been open for almost four months and I’ve never seen my stock fly off the shelves so fast before today. I need you, Fred. Will you work for me?”

“You should have SEEN me!” Fred exclaimed for the umpteenth time, prancing up and down on the living room carpet, arms flailing. “I was grrrreeeaaatt! He said he’d be a fool not to hire me. So, of course, I told him it was going to cost him.”

“Fred,” Lizzy intoned.

“Well, OK, so I didn’t say exactly that. But Woody did say that judging by my level of expertise he’d be prepared to pay well. Did you hear that? Ex-per-tise!” He exclaimed, emphasising each syllable with a punching movement back and forth. He sighed. “But it’s going to be so great working with kids again, helping them out. Giving their parents and siblings a little taste of Drop Dead Fred’s medicine!” He laughed with glee, before bouncing towards the couch where Lizzy was sitting. He threw himself down next to her, and sat back, his hands behind his head, breathing heavily. He let out a long sigh of contentment. Lizzy continued to look straight ahead in silence. She had hardly spoken for half an hour, but had watched Fred dance around, talking excitedly about his new job. At first, she had been as excited as he was. She had let him take her hands and spin her around the room in his joy, had eagerly laughed along with him as he had relayed to her the events of the afternoon, starting with the eye-blackened kaleidoscope, and finishing with Woody offering him the job. But as Fred had talked on, re-emphasising points here and there, her smile had started to fade. As he spoke enthusiastically, over and over, about his conversations with the various children, how he longed to be able to witness the results of his handiwork, or even better, see some of these bullies for himself, Lizzy had begun to feel a little strange. As Fred talked on the feelings grew worse, until Lizzy had sunk down onto the couch. Fred had talked on, but failed to notice Lizzy’s gravity. Now that he had finished talking, Fred suddenly noticed the silence in the room. Puzzled, he opened his eyes to regard Lizzy.

“Is anything the matter?” he asked with concern. Lizzy looked down. Fred moved his head towards hers. “Snotface, what is it? I thought you’d be happy for me.”

“Oh Fred, I am happy for you.” Lizzy replied guiltily. “Really, I am.” But Fred noticed a heaviness behind her words.

“Well, you don’t seem it.” Fred replied, sounding touchy. He wasn’t annoyed with her exactly, more with himself, for not knowing what had occasioned Lizzy’s obvious distress. He held her hand in both of his. “Lizzy, I’m going to be doing something I enjoy, have a lot of experience in and best of all, am getting paid for. I think that’s great.”

“It is Fred. It is great.” Lizzy replied, affectionately rubbing the hands that tenderly held her left hand. Fred’s smile returned, breaking into a fiendish grin. “Hard to believe isn’t it. Drop Dead Fred, working man.”

Something about the way he said this caused Lizzy to feel a pang. She released her hands from his and moved away. “But that’s just it.” She remarked with a sharpness that made Fred take notice. “You’re not Drop Dead Fred. Not anymore.” Thanks to me, she added mentally. Fred rose slowly to his feet, his face expectant and concerned. “What are you saying?” he asked.

Lizzy met his anxious gaze. She looked at him for a moment.

“Nothing.” She said finally. “I’m fine.” She smiled. Although rather forced, it was not completely without sentiment.

So long as he's happy. She told herself that night, as Fred put his arms around her. Yet even as she felt his lips on hers, Lizzy couldn’t help wondering if Fred really was completely happy with her. Wondering just how much a part of him longed to be Drop Dead Fred again and, if given the option, how much a part of him would like to take it.

The bright sunlight penetrating through the curtains fell like a caressing hand on Lizzy’s sleeping face. It seemed to tug at the corners of her half closed eyelids, urging her to open her eyes. She smiled in her half–conscious state, stretching her arms over her head and yawning lazily before opening her eyes fully to the brightness of the morning.

“Mmmm,” she exclaimed sleepily, stretching out an arm to slip around Fred’s shoulders. Her arm closed on nothing. Lizzy opened her eyes fully and struggled to sit upright, listening for the sounds of the shower. Nothing. The house was silent.

“Fred?” she called. No reply. Leaning over, Lizzy looked over the side of the bed, expecting to see Fred’s unconscious form stretched out on the floor as it had been so many mornings. The floor was completely bare. Lizzy felt a nervous lump in her throat as she continued to examine the floor, expecting to see what she knew she must almost certainly find. But this time the jack-in-the-box was no lying on the floor. Lizzy didn’t wait any longer. She flew from the bed, across the living room floor and out the door of the apartment.

“Hello?” she called tentatively, “Is there anyone there?”

Silence.

“Fred? Anyone?”

No reply. She quickly made her way as she knew she must to the street that she knew by now would almost certainly be deserted. She looked this way and that, turned to the left, to the right, then,

“Oh!” exclaimed Lizzy with a gasp. This time she was not alone. Standing a few feet away from her, wearing a bright yellow frock stood a little girl. Her bright blonde hair fell in bunches just past her shoulders. Her eyes were a startling blue and they acknowledged Lizzy with undisguised curiosity. It took Lizzy only an instant of a second to recognise her.

“Natalie!” she exclaimed. “Natalie, sweetheart, what are you doing here?”

Natalie Bunce smiled mildly. “Me?” she replied simply. “You mean, what are you doing here? Why are you here? Don’t you know, it’s too late for you?”

Lizzy turned her head on her side to look at her. “Too late for me? Honey, what do you mean?” Suddenly, Lizzy noticed that Natalie had an object clasped in her arms. Lizzy stared at it.

“What’ve you got there, Nat?” she asked her. Natalie was holding the object slightly to the side, so that it was just out of Lizzy’s sight. “Show me.” Lizzy went on.

Slowly, Natalie brought the object out for Lizzy to see. As she saw what it was, Lizzy’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Natalie,” she began, her voice quavering. “Natalie, what are you doing with that? That’s mine. That’s my jack-in-the-box.”

Natalie let out a little laugh, that sent a shiver down Lizzy’s spine.

“Natalie, listen to me,” Lizzy intoned. “That is my jack-in-the-box, now give it back.” She leaned forward and held out her hand to Natalie.

“Not anymore.” Came the simple reply. “He’s not yours. He doesn’t belong to you. He belongs to us now.”

Lizzy’s heart skipped a beat as she heard the distant cries of children playing, echoing down the empty street. She shivered, and felt beads of cold sweat run down her cold, clammy skin.

“Natalie, please,” she begged, sinking slowly to the ground. “Please don’t take him away from me. Please don’t. Please. Give me the box.” She knelt on the ground, her hands outstretched towards the angelic-looking little girl, who held the box tightly clasped in her own. She said nothing, merely shook her head. She raised one hand slowly towards Lizzy.

“Look.” She said, pointing to something behind Lizzy’s back.

She didn’t want to look at first, afraid at what she might see. But she finally summoned the courage to turn and look in the direction that Natalie had indicated. At first she saw nothing. The street remained deserted, yet Lizzy could hear the sounds of children playing. As she listened, the noises seemed to grow louder, until at last Lizzy saw them. They poured out of the alleys into the street, running and skipping. Shouting to one another as they played. There was so many of them, a roughly equal mix of boys and girls. Lizzy continued to watch, feeling sure that sooner or later…

Suddenly there he was. He was easy to spot being taller than the rest. They flocked towards him as he smiled down upon them, talking, although Lizzy could not hear what was said.

“Fred!” she called to him. “Fred, over here! Fred! It’s Lizzy!” She stood up and waved her arms. He was only about 100 metres away from her. Lizzy called to him again, but Fred either could not or would not see her.

“Fred, please!” Lizzy called.

“He can’t hear you, you know.” Natalie replied calmly. Lizzy had forgotten she was standing beside her. “Don’t you understand?” she went on. “He belongs to us now.”

“No.” Came Lizzy’s immediate reply. “He’s mine. He gave all that up to be with me. Fred!” Ignoring Natalie, Lizzy began to run towards Fred. She ran and ran, faster and faster, willing her legs to give her more speed, to move faster. But the closer she got, the further away Fred seemed to be, until Lizzy realised that he was unreachable. Tears of sadness and frustration pricked her eyes, as she felt herself sink slowly to the ground.

“Fred!” she croaked, her voice ragged, her breath almost gone. “Please don’t leave me. Please. I can’t lose you again.” as gradually, everything around her faded to black.

To Be Continued....