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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’ve been with my husband for over a decade, and we have two children. My mother-in-law has always had a bizarre and toxic relationship with both of her children. To preface, my sister-in-law moved out of her house to live with her dad when she was in high school (because her mother was so awful to her). My husband has always been her favorite and the golden child.
For the last 10 years, every time I’ve been around my mother-in-law, she will wait until my husband (or my parents or friends) leave the room to say something extremely rude to me.
I’ve told my husband that when this happens, he always hates it and speaks to her, but ultimately, he thinks she is just being weird and gives her the benefit of the doubt. To be honest, I’ve second-guessed myself so much. “Did she really say that out loud? Did that happen?!?” The things she says are so rude and obnoxious you almost can’t believe a tiny old Jewish woman said it.
No one will be surprised when I say I do not like this woman, no longer travel to see her, and only let her stay in my home for short periods. Recently, she accidentally sent us both a voice note saying something extremely rude about me. My husband FINALLY heard precisely the type of comments I’ve been complaining for 10 years! It feels so incredibly validating! Of course, he’s heartbroken. She’s very distressed but hasn’t contacted me at all. I would love to cut off contact, but that will never happen with my husband. How do we move forward?
—My MIL Is Evil
Dear My MIL Is Evil,
Just because your husband won’t cut contact with his mother doesn’t mean you can’t. You’ve already stopped going to see her, and now you have clear evidence as to why she should no longer be welcomed into your home. Let your husband know that her antics have gone on for too long and that you are completely done with her, and that’s that. You don’t owe him any further explanation; you’ve been telling him how she treated you for years, and now he’s heard it for himself.
—Jamilah
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My husband and I are expecting a baby in December, and we have started arguing constantly about hypothetical or just far-in-the-future problems. Like public school or private school. Or how many activities—sports, music lessons, etc.—is an acceptable number. But we’re also staying up late fighting about things we’re going to have to deal with right away too, like who’s going to get up during the night when the baby cries and how long I should plan to breastfeed. We used to be the kind of couple other people envied because we seemed to get along so well, and we actually did get along well—but now I’m afraid we’re going to fight about everything for the next 18 years! How do we decide about all these things we disagree about?
