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I’m back again after an unplanned break. I haven’t been doing well as of late; my mental health has been at rock bottom for a while, and I am at a loss on what to do next.

Trigger warning: I’ll be touching upon the subject of suicide in this post.

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This isn’t new to me. It’s a group of problems that have been bothering me since 2015. I just chose to ignore the issues instead of dealing with them, though. Growing up, I became accustomed to keeping my feelings internalised to keep the peace, and it’s not something I have unlearned as an adult. I picked up countless unhealthy and sometimes selfish coping mechanisms, which are haunting my life now.

In early 2015, I lost my grandmother to cancer. My boyfriend at the time decided to end our relationship over text after he had cheated on me and moved on with someone else. Before him ending things, I’d wanted to break things off because he’d become distant with me, and I told him this. I told him that he should just remove himself from my life because I didn’t need the extra stress, but he told me things were “fine.”

In hindsight, it was the change of routine that drastically unsettled me when it came to him. I was obviously grieving, too. It took 2 years, but I came to terms with the fact I was just clinging on to the idea of normality, which he fit into. We weren’t happy towards the end; it was just pure routine. He thought he was doing me a favour, and it just ended with a big nervous breakdown for me. It’s taken nearly a decade to feel “okay” with the nature of my grandmother’s passing, but I won’t pretend it doesn’t creep in. It’s particularly raw this time of year.

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I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve re-told that story, but I haven’t made major changes when it comes to getting into a better headspace. I am not the person I used to be. I am a jaded and often selfish shell of that person. I’ve let myself go, and I’ve become consumed by self-destructive habits. At what point do I take responsibility for my own behaviour? I don’t like who I’ve become; it feels as if I’ve let the person I was before die.

The idea of suicide often crosses my mind. Some days I just don’t see the point in being alive; I’m not useful to anybody in my current state because I haven’t put enough time into healing to feel human. This is something only I can change, and that is the scariest part. It is far too easy to blame others than to look inward at your own shortcomings.
It’s not that I want to die; I just want all of the horrible feelings to subside.

I just want to be happy. Happy with all aspects of myself. I know I can be a better person than who I’ve become; I just wish it was easy. I’m going to reach out to someone in the meantime and see if I can get any guidance. I can’t keep going the way that I am. I’m hurting myself and others around me.

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