Thanks for visiting my blog. I have written this to share with you a life changing sexual journey my husband and I have adopted. It may sound like fiction, but I assure you everything written below is with positive intentions to share positivity with the world.
Although this article is written towards the sexual aspect of this activity, I have a serious interest in psychology. The psychological aspect of “ruined” orgams was equaly as satisfying to me as the sexual aspect of it. Truly embracing this will force you to re-evaluate some of your long held beliefs, and make you challenge some thing’s you may instinctively resist. but if you’re open to exploring not just sexuality, but your own mind and the psychology of human beings I hope this article can bring a new level of enlightenment and then extasy to you and your partner.
The so-called “ruined” orgasm is one of the most intensely pleasurable, toe-curling, sweat-inducing, back-arching, fist-clenching, teeth-gnashing, brain-bending tricks you can use in the bedroom to drive your man into an animal sexual frenzy. It is also perhaps the least understood and most underused method of extending and delivering pleasure to both partners. If you can master this you will feel more empowered and satisfied than ever. I promise!!!
This post is mainly for my fellow ladies out there (you wives and girlfriends), but you gentlemen are welcome to follow along, too (if you like what you see, then I strongly encourage you to pass this along to your girlfriends!). I hope this post corrects some of the big misconceptions about “ruining” the male orgasm, teaches you how to do it, and convinces you to try it, in real life – tonight! Even if you don’t succeed the first time (or the second time, or the third…) the learning process alone is insanely fun for both of you, and the payoff, once you get it right, will blow your minds! This has improved our sex life immeasurably.
The Name Is Misleading: It’s Still an Orgasm!!!I think the biggest misconception about ruined orgasms comes from the word “ruined.” It sounds bad. It sounds like torture or something you would do to someone you don’t like very much. Presumably, you love your man. You want him to be happy. Orgasms make him happy, and you enjoy giving him the biggest and best orgasms he’s ever had in his entire life. Why on Earth would you ever want to “ruin” his orgasm? That makes no sense!
The name is simply wrong. A properly ruined orgasm is STILL potentially more intense than a normal orgasm! It’s not “ruined” at all! It feels profoundly different to him, but it still feels great – especially if you use it as a tool to extend your lovemaking!!
The so-called ruined orgasm is a special kind of climax, achieved in a very specific way, that triggers a slightly different sequence of physical, emotional, and hormonal reactions in his body.
A “ruined” orgasm feels profoundly different from a “regular” orgasm. To a man accustomed to and expecting normal orgasms (i.e., all men) the sudden surprise of new and different sensations might be confused, in his hyper-aroused brain, with disappointment. (My husband used the word “unexpected”) I think that’s where the word “ruined” comes from. He was expecting a very specific, fantastic sensation – but you gave him a slightly different (yet potentially even more intense) sensation instead, his initial irrational gut reaction will be frustration, but once he calms down from his pleasure trance he enjoys the sensationIt’s like when you bite into a chocolate, expecting it to be filled with delicious caramel – only to discover, once it’s in your mouth, that it’s actually filled with delicious strawberry. You were expecting one thing, but at the last second, you got something different.
Your gut reaction (you can’t help it) might be disappointment. Caramel and strawberry are both great, though! Your “disappointment” or “frustration” derives from the dissonance in your mind between expectation and reality. Your taste buds and pleasure centers were trained and prepared for chocolate-covered caramel. They got chocolate-covered strawberry instead. Does that negate the yumminess of the chocolate? Does that mean the chocolate was “ruined”? Of course not!
From the first time your man discovered he could pleasure himself (spoiler alert: during adolescence many years before he met you!) the male brain is thoroughly conditioned to expect a specific sequence of sensations during orgasm. Men don’t naturally ruin themselves, (If you read up on evolutionary psychology you will find their aroused primitive sex brains compel them to just cum as quickly as possible. In our modern world we can now cast this aside and focus on increasing pleasure and it is also proven that extended arousal helps bonding between partners. Win Win Win right?).
Assuming your man had other girlfriends before you, (just keeping it real, ladies… he probably did) couples usually don’t ruin the male orgasm during typical, natural, fumbling, vanilla sex. So your man may have never experienced the sensations you are about to give him. His pleasure centers are deeply tuned to expect caramel, every time, and you are about to show him strawberry. He can’t help but be surprised by the taste, even if you tell him it’s coming. Does that make strawberry “bad”? Of course not! Strawberry is great! It’s just different.So please, please, please
Don’t feel bad about ruining your man’s orgasm!!!
Don’t feel bad about ruining your man’s orgasm!!!
Don’t feel bad about ruining your man’s orgasm!!!
I simply cannot say it enough. The word “ruin” has so many negative connotations. It’s a terrible word for what’s really happening. It’s doing terrible damage by discouraging loving couples from trying this wonderful activity. I didn’t pick the word, but I use it, because that’s the word everybody else uses, so at least we know what we’re all talking about. I think the term may have some value when talking about roles of power and submission (where some men enjoy being belittled or punished by their partner), however that’s a different topic to what we’re discussing. Some people use the phrase “touchless orgasm” instead – better, but still not perfect.
I say: Focus on the word “orgasm”. Orgasms are unequivocally GREAT! You are giving him a special kind of orgasm! That’s a GOOD thing! What’s so special about it, you ask? Well…
Ruined Orgasms = Extended Pleasure
I’ll get to how you achieve ruined orgasms a little bit later. But first, why? What’s the benefit of a “ruined” orgasm over a “regular” one? Ruined orgasms trigger a slightly different sequence of physical, emotional, and hormonal reactions in the male body. All of this is involuntary. It’s a reflex, and all men have it. Just like normal orgasm, he can’t control it. Whereas a normal orgasm causes him to go limp and enter what doctors call the “refractory period” where he is no longer motivated to have sex, a ruined orgasm has the opposite effect – it causes him to stay hard, fully aroused, hyper-energized, and HIGHLY motivated to have sex.Yup! He gets to have intense pleasure (call it an orgasm if you like)… immediately followed by MORE pleasure! MORE sex! As far as perks go, that’s a huge fucking perk!
But that’s not all. It also relaxes the urgent release channels, in his brain, temporarily raising his tolerance for sexual pleasure and increasing his stamina. Simply put… a man who’s been ruined once or twice (or more!) in a single night can fuck you harder and longer than you ever thought possible. He can fuck (or get fucked) continuously, relentlessly, at full intensity until you’ve had as many orgasms as you want and you’re both thoroughly exhausted. Go ahead, get sweaty! Let him wreck you! Flip him and ride him to your heart’s content! He will stay rock-hard the entire time, and he won’t cum! Or, if he does cum, it will only be after a long, intense hard session, far beyond his normal, natural physical capacity. It’s fucking AWESOME! Some of the best sex you will ever have!
Basically, a ruined orgasm (or three) multiplies his sexual endurance for the rest of the night, without reducing his desire. In fact, it amplifies his desire, because he gets to experience a higher pleasure plateau than he would normally be capable of experiencing! Normally, when you crank him up to “10″, he cums. After a few ruined orgasms, you can crank him all the way to “20″ and he keeps going! Huge win for BOTH of you!
The Physical Effect, Explained
In a normal orgasm, the male hits his peak of pleasure, then comes crashing down in a wonderful, violent torrent of release, followed by an involuntary rest-and-recharge time called the “refractory period.” Powerful muscle contractions fire bursts of pent-up cum from his body. He feels a warm, satisfying wash of hormones. Then his cock goes limp and his entire body instinctively commands him to rest and recover. It’s over for now. No more sex, for either of you. Men are just wired that way.
In a ruined orgasm, the male hits his peak of pleasure, tips just barely over the edge, but the violent crash is not triggered. It’s not triggered, because the expected physical stimulation is absent (more on that, later). Weak muscle contractions struggle to squeeze the cum from his body. Instead of firing bursts, he leaks out. He feels an electric tremor throughout his body, distinctly different from the warm wash of a normal orgasm, but still intensely pleasurable. Importantly, the sense of “satisfaction” never triggers. He had an orgasm, and he unloaded some cum, but he feels “unfinished.” He’s still rock hard, and he wants more. He NEEDS more.
I should point out, at this point that his evolutionary brain has taken over, and he is wired to seek completion and he cant control it. Often women may feel they’re not pleasing their man because of his reaction and give in, but trust me even if he begs to want completion now, Don't give in! he will thank you later when he has left his pleasure trance and become more level headed. I urge you,
You must persist here! _ You must persist here! _ You must persist here! Your night is just getting started…
Exactly how to Ruin a Man
Okay, you’re sold on the idea. Now… how do you do it? The core concept is actually very simple. If “10″ is his point-of-no-return (the point at which his reflexes kick in and orgasm becomes inevitable), then you want to take him to “10″ exactly… then let go, back off, and cease all stimulation. As long as he doesn’t touch himself, his reflexes will carry him through a ruined orgasm. Mission Accomplished!Like this:Sounds easy enough. It is an art though, and there is a difference between a good ruined orgasm and a great one. To bend your man’s brain and give him truly epic ruined orgasms, you need to know his body very, very well. You need to study his specific sequence of escalating physical pleasure signals, to identify the first possible moment in the sequence where you can let go and cause him to still cascade through climax. Arched back, tensed muscles, grunts, whimpers, pulsing cock, retracted balls – every man has his signals. Watch closely while you pleasure him. Study your man. Learn your man!
It is a common misconception that you should let go “at the last possible second. That's wrong, and it’s the easiest beginner mistake to make. Like this:
That’s a mistake! That’s NOT really a ruined orgasm! (you have still just triggered an orgasm, so don’t feel bad about it… but you can do better) She let go too late. He was already cumming by the time she let go. He was already cascading down the waterfall of full orgasm, firing bursts of cum like normal. He is likely to be fully satisfied, go limp, and enter the refractory period. No more sex tonight :(.But, hey… if you’re going to fail, at least it’s a fun way to fail! That’s another perk of this trick.
You will probably fail, many times, while you perfect your technique. But at least it’s the most fun either of you will ever have while failing at something!Another example of letting go too late:
Instead of letting go “at the last second” you actually want to let go as early as possible.
You want him to hang, untouched, on the verge of climax, for as long as physically possible, before his body reflexively sends him over. Do it correctly, and his cum should just dribble out, under weak contractions.Like this:
Or this:
See the difference? Especially that last one. See how long he “hangs” without any stroking, before weakly tipping over? That short period of time feels like eternity to him and it feels fucking glorious! (for both of you). With lots and lots of practice on your man, you want to extend that “hangtime” to be as long as possible.
Practice Makes Perfect
With good communication, you can find the perfect timing together, by working your way “backwards” from the moment of his orgasm. Start by having him tell you, out loud, when he hits what he believes to be his point-of-no-return. Back off at exactly that moment (your urge to keep stimulating him will be VERY strong – you must resist the urge! _ you must resist the urge! _ you must resist the urge!). With him telling you when to stop, your first few times might look something like this:
If you managed that, it’s a start (and, of course, it feels amazing for him!) but you can and must do better.
Men always misjudge their own point-of-no-return. It’s either going to be long before he says it is, or he will tell you too early and you will have to keep trying.The problem is: He’s in a mindless pleasure-trance. (you put him there!) So he’s not the most reliable person right now.
In order to find his true point-of-no-return, you need to study the cascade of physical reactions happening in his body in the precious seconds before he calls “stop.” Then, night after night, progressively work your way backward through that cascade, stopping sooner and sooner, on your own (without him telling you when to “stop”), until you find the point where he doesn’t climax at all. Then, night after night, slowly and very carefully work your way forward again, until you find the point where he lingers for 5 to 15 seconds, untouched, before leaking uncontrollably. Then, night after night, re-test that same exact point, and tiny variations around that point, until you have him totally “figured out.”
Congratulations! You now have the keys to completely destroy your man – how to make him cum with maximum pleasure, without ending your night of fun – how to utterly and completely control him in the best possible way! When he regains consciousness, I promise he will thank you, with pure awe and love in his wide, exhausted eyes.
Notes and Tips
Why Ruined Orgasm's are good for you: Well there's the obvious joy of playing with your man, the empowerment that you will feel, and the satisfaction of challenging your beliefs. However If you need some more motivation at this point, take a look at this schematic. It is a little exaggerated, yet is a pretty good representation of what happens:
Restraints help a LOT! He will desperately crave that familiar sensation of “satisfaction.” In a mindless craze, he might reach down and try to finish himself with his hand, ruining all the hard work you did together. It might be nearly impossible for him to resist this instinctive urge. Don’t blame him or get mad at him if he does. Just tie him down, so it never happens again.Like this:
That gif brings me to my second important note:
“Leaking” is an excellent signal that you’ve done everything right. But every man is different, every night is different, and every orgasm is different. You might do everything exactly the same way, every time, and one time your man might leak under weak contractions; another time he might fire untouched bursts of cum, like a seemingly normal orgasm. On different nights, he might leak different amounts. One night might look like this:
Another night might look like this:
Basically… the power of his “cumshot” is a clue to help you know if you’re doing it right, (weaker is better) but it’s not the entire answer. The above two examples also show different levels of contraction by the man. As much as you have a responsibility to learn how to control your man, he has a responsibility to control try control himself too (I do say try, because if you're doing it right he really will become a slave to his "primitive horny brain").
Usually contractions and air humping are invoulntary, however my husband tells me that sometimes he can actually try to fight the urges if I can coach him through the ruining. I find if I softly instruct him to "don't force it hunny" or "sweetie, just let it leak out, don't throb" (or similar sentiments) it sometimes get's through his "primitive horny brain" and can be enough to slightly rouse his conscious mind and he can try to "push it down" which is how my husband describes it. So you both do have a part to play to really get the most out of ruined orgasms, but you have to help him because if done right he truly does become a slave to his urges.
This is human sexuality we’re talking about here… Everything is subjective, hard to describe, and seems to change for no reason on a daily basis. Want to know if you ruined him right? Ask him! Then, try something slightly different, and ask him about that, too!
Another huge clue that you’re “doing it right” will be in his refractory period – or lack of one. After a typical good ruined orgasm, his cock should not “wilt” at all. He should stay aroused, erect, and eager for more action – although he might be painfully oversensitive for 1-3 minutes. Give him a short break, then go at it again – that’s kind of the whole point of this. Ride him, suck him, stroke him, whatever you want. Ruin him again and again, if you like. If he’s able to stay hard, yet his stamina is miraculously 1000% better, then you definitely ruined him right.Which brings me to my final note:
You can absolutely ruin your man multiple times in one night. Do it!! _ Do it!! _ Do it!! Please don’t let your hard work go to waste by feeling like you have to give him a normal orgasm eventually, don't give in to a sense of guilt!!!. That will just cut your night short, although he may sound like he want's it, I know from experience when I have given in to my guilt, Once my husbands warm satisfying wash of hormones passes and he goes into his refractory period, he regrets it, and I also experience remorse. It then feels as though we wasted our hard earned session. This can be a real dampener :(.
If you learn to ruin him properly, there’s no real refractory period, remember? He stays ‘unsatisfied’ (only unsatisfied in the traditional sense) and desperate for more, remember? He stays erect and physically able, remember? That’s pretty much the perfect formula for multiple orgasms. It’s the only real way that men can achieve that elusive wonder which comes naturally to some of us lucky women. So give him a treat! Ruin him once, give him a minute or two to recover, then ruin him again! And again! And again!
Here is an example of an what I consider a satisfactory ruin. he has a reasonable hang time, and only just released a small amount of cum.
As long as you give him a few minutes’ break between sessions, (and don’t fuck up the technique) you can pretty much keep ruining him all night long. He will eventually run dry and start “shooting blanks” – his exhausted cock throbbing weakly, but nothing coming out – that’s probably where your brain will tell you to stop. However, this is a GREAT time to hop on his hard, empty dick and ride yourself silly, which is how I like to do it. But I guess it’s Your call!
Guilt will inevitably hit you at this stage, but you must persist past it! You have been socially and biologically conditioned to react this way. Please believe me when I tell you, based on my experience if you keep going even after he cannot cum anymore and stop when you are satisfied, he will thank you afterwards. My husband tells me that when I have stopped due to guilt rather than when I have been satisfied, it diminishes his satisfaction after the event. If he is empty but still hard and throbbing, and you’re still horny, keep it going! This leads into the next important point
Commitment
If you truly want to master this skill it will take commitment. I did possibly over simplify the process of how to give perfect ruined orgasms, but this is a short blog , I couldn’t possibly give you the blow by blow of the weeks/months it took to get 'good’ at it. I will say that it does take some time to reach mastery of the penis. So I will simply say that if you do want to learn this skill properly, it will require commitment from both of you.
I would suggest that you openly discuss the topic and talk about committing to mastering this skill, then writing down your commitment and mutually agreeing. I’m not suggesting that you have a Notary certify a legal agreement, however it has been proventhat if you write down your intentions for a task/goal it can give you some sense of dedication or responsibility to follow through. In fact after doing this my husband actually felt sick/nervous after committing in writing. But by having some additional accountability, it took us along a fantastic journey and we are now both more satisfied than we could have ever imagined (Had we not persisted, we would have missed out on some of the most intense sex of our lives). I’d suggest writing down some ground rules or guidelines
such as:
Agree to give up your pre-conceived notions: I cannot stress this enough. As stated at the start of this blog entry, you will need to let go of any pre-conceived notions and years of conditioning. Listen to your partner (not while his "primitive horny brain" is present however) and stick to your guns about what you have discussed, not what your social programming tells you. see my Bold highlights above about guilt, persisting past his begging and your own urges to finish him as examples. Write a commitment that you will listen to your partner and stick to your written goals. Don't give in to your weaknesses or your beliefs, they are often wrong and will change with practice and repetition.
What are your goals: I wanted to learn how to please my husband the most, I wanted to be better at it than he is. I also wanted access to his cock at my whim. I just love playing with it. He wanted to be able to avoid his lengthy refractory period and be aroused more frequently. Work towards achieving your set goals.
Your goals will likely change over time (I know mine did), just re-visit them and communicate. Once I overcame my previous pre-conceptions, own issues of guilt and social programming, my desires and goals changed. Now I desire to ruin my husband with as many small ruins as I can get, to make sure he is horny and empty, then ride him mercilessly to my heart's content. Rest assured that this is now all about me, yet far more satisfying to him than any previous “normal” orgasm which would have been over in 5 minutes. I wouldn’t have thought this at the start of our journey, but when you put your baggage aside and truly work with your partner you can reach new levels of extasy for you both.
How will you do it: What is your plan?. do you want to go cold turkey to 100% ruined at all opportunities? or mix it up? Perhaps to only have “normal” orgasm’s at certain occasions i.e. weekends or days of the month, or milestones like every 10 orgasms for her?. I’d suggest starting with a routine of 2 sessions of ruined orgasms, per normal orgasm and work out where you want to go from there. If you have a partner who has the strength of character to try for 100% ruined orgasms, you're a very lucky lady ;)
Set a routine: this may sound like a bit of a buzz kill, but when you’re learning something new, it’s all about practice. so I would suggest at the beginning to committing to a schedule until you’re 100% in the zone. perhaps set aside one hour, two or three nights a week to practice. While mastering your skills it may feel like your husband is almost an appliance for you to use, but don't worry, he is still enjoying every second of it (my husband actually said he misses the 'production line' vibe we had when learning). If he is not in the mood you can also then refer your and his the written commitment to prompt him and make sure you stay on track. At this time, even if he’s not in the mood, you may be surprised, but forcing a ruined orgasm when he’s not in the mood can all of a sudden improve his desire (of course every man is different here, so experiment).
What if acident's happen: It does happen, He may end up with a full orgasm by accident or through his own lack of willpower. it’s unfortunate but the better you both get the less likely it will happen. Also see my comments above about restraints above. If you are into something more serious, I have a blog about ChastityHere. When starting out however I would suggest you just put that misstep behind you and start fresh when his refractory period has subsided a bit. Some people enjoy punishment play, but I will leave that up to you.
Remember it’s supposed to be fun: make sure that you are enjoying the journey, if at any stage one partner is not enjoying it anymore it can lead to negative feelings. Make sure you communicate regularly.
Be aware that there will be some missteps along the way, your own social programming and guilt may lead you to falter, and his persona between "primitive horny brain" and "level headed" will be completely contradictory. just because he may seem angry or frustrated when you ruin him, that does not mean he is not enjoying it, He cannot control his "primitive horny brain", but I am certain that when you talk to him when he is "level headed" he will tell you how satisfied he is.
In fact I sometimes laugh on those occasions where my husband seems disappointed, because I know when he calms down he will tell me how fantastic it was. it's actually comical.
Ruined Orgasms As Part of Tease and Denial
Many couples who practice edging, tease, and denial integrate ruined orgasms into their play. My husband and I definitely do – it’s pretty much essential to us. Different couples will define “denial” in different ways. You can define denial for yourself. But my definition of denial means I control my husband’s orgasms. I allow him to have orgasms, but he can only have them on my terms. That means… when I want him to have a “normal” orgasm, I give him a “normal” orgasm. The rest of the time? I either tease and deny him, or I ruin him. He never knows what I plan to do until I do it.Thus, every time he feels himself hitting the point-of-no-return, he experiences a delightful flash of uncertainty – a moment of pure submissive defenselessness and surrender – because his most basic male involuntary reflex is now under my complete control. I can choose to “finish” him. Or I can choose to “ruin” him. He gives that choice to me, willingly, lovingly, every time. It is his love letter to me – the single greatest gift he is physically capable of offering – and I cherish it. I respect it. I handle it with utmost love and care. And it makes me a fuller, more confident, more satisfied, happier woman. It makes our marriage stronger, and I adore him for it.
I would also like to point out that once I mastered the ruined orgasm my husband is actually more disappointed with a normal orgasm because of his refractory period. It may sound counter-intuitive but a normal orgasm is actually the outcome he likes the least, despite it being the thing he craves most desperately when his "primitive horny brain" is in charge.
I strongly encourage any couple who plays with edging, teasing, or denial to try ruined orgasms (if you haven’t already). Learn them. Master them. And add them to your arsenal of pleasures. You both will thank me!!
Here is a very talented lady. she’s got him so close and desperate that just the lightest tapping of her fingers have caused him to erupt. He has probably spurted a bit too much for my liking, but it’s magnificent to watch and something we should all aspire to:
PS: Special thanks to my husband, who (on my orders) scoured tumblr to find those many wonderful gifs and videos of lovely ruined orgasms. This was only a subset of the many he found and sent to me. I can only imagine how delightfully frustrating it was for him, searching through countless femdom and porn blogs, looking for video of men getting ruined – while he, himself, is currently enduring the longest, most intense sexual arousal he’s ever experienced. He’s survived two months of daily edging and teasing without a “normal” orgasm in that entire time (and believe me I’d be able to tell immediately if he had snuck one out himself), My husband is a fucking champion, and after he sent me those gifs, I “rewarded” him with hours of intense, mind-breaking, relentless edges… followed by a series of ruined orgasms until he was dry. The poor man basically melted in my hands.
It was glorious!!
PPS: I’d also just like to let the ladies out there know that on this journey, by learning to maintain my husband in a state of heightened arousal without a normal orgasm for hours, days, weeks and longer, my husband has achieved his goal of being more frequently aroused. we've gone from normal sex twice a week, to sex whenever I want at the drop of a hat. He has also become more amiable to new activities, and is far more open about his desires. It's easy to see see, when coupled with orgasm denial it is a femdom mainstay. It seems that when a man is at the brink of absolute desperation and horniness there’s little he won’t do. That "primitive horny brain" will remove a lot of inhibitions if denied for long enough. Believe me when I say it has opened even more doors for us as a result and we are both more satisfied than ever.
Before writing this blog, I did check the internet to see if there were any others that I could reference, however they mostly seemed to focus on femdom and submission, so I have written this article more from the perspective of providing ruined orgasms to enhance pleasure (yours and his), rather than to subjugate him. if you have an interest in additional techniques to ruin orgasms or more femdom related practices check out the following links;
WARNING!!!
Please do not underestimate how powerful this can potentially be. If you have a strong and willing partner, and you truly do manage to master this skill, you can turn your man into a quivering horny mess. It truly can be a mind altering experience, and can give you incredible power over your partner. Having this level of power can open many doors and new experiences and is extremely satisfying for you, but be sure not to abuse it. Remember we love our partner and want to enjoy them not abuse them.