Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
For the next few months, our regular Prudie, Jenée Desmond-Harris, will be on parental leave. Filling in is Ashley C. Ford, the author of the New York Times bestselling memoir Somebody’s Daughter, published by Flatiron Books.
Ford has written or guest edited for Elle, Slate, Teen Vogue, New York magazine, the New York Times, Domino, Cup of Jo, and various other web and print publications. She was a former co-host of the HBO companion podcast Lovecraft Country Radio and is the current host of Ben & Jerry’s Into the Mix. She lives in Indianapolis with her husband, poet and fiction writer Kelly Stacy, and their chocolate Lab, Astro Renegade Ford-Stacy.
Dear Prudence,
After our two children were born, I became a surrogate twice. Both times I was paid and we went through an agency. The money was enough for my family to buy a house and put a good start on our retirement fund. I have never been close to my stepbrother. Our family didn’t handle his coming out very well, and fences have been mended only these past few years. Although my husband and I attended his wedding, we almost never see him or his husband outside of the occasional family holiday.
Which is why, when he approached me to be a surrogate, I was shocked. The entire conversation made me very uncomfortable, and even with the money that he offered, it just felt as if it could go wrong in too many ways. I discussed it with my husband, and we decided to decline. My stepbrother blew up and accused us of being racist and homophobic. (His husband is a different race from us.) My stepbrother has weaponized our refusal into an entire familywide feud. My stepmother and stepsister are furious with me and have brought up the subject within earshot of my children.
My husband and I skipped my father’s birthday because we didn’t want to deal with the topic again. We were thinking of doing one last surrogacy before I got too old to help with college for our kids, but I know if we do, we will never hear the end of it from everyone. What do we do here? My problem has nothing to do with my stepbrother’s sexuality and everything to do with his attitude.
—Surrogate in the Southwest
Dear Surrogate in the Southwest,
Even if your stepbrother has reason to believe you are judging him for bigoted or unfair reasons and refusing to be his surrogate for those same reasons, that should make him want to find someone else to carry he and his partner’s child. Your “no” should have been enough the first time. As for the rest of your family, if no one else is offering up their womb for the task, they can keep their mouths closed about yours. You can say that verbatim.
Dear Prudence,
My daughter recently announced that she was expecting. I was overjoyed at the news. She has been struggling to conceive for years, and I know how much she wants a child of her own. She gets along with her two stepchildren, but being friendly to a pair of teenagers isn’t the same as having a baby of your own. I told my daughter and her husband that I would be selling some property and putting the money aside for a college fund.
To my shock, my son-in-law grew angry at this and asked why I hadn’t done anything similar for his other two children. I replied that I barely have a relationship with his other children. I have seen them only a handful of times since the wedding and, other than checking the tracking numbers, I never get an acknowledgment if I send them gifts. I am very much not their grandmother.
My daughter is now very upset and tells me that her husband is picking fights with her over this issue. His oldest had to take out student loans to cover her second semester of college, and the other one graduates next year. It seems obvious that my son-in-law feels guilt over being unable to provide for his children, but both sets of grandparents are still alive, and he has a large extended family! I am not rich. I have been retired for several years and live on a fixed income. I have already apologized several times. What else can I do here?
—College Fund
Dear College Fund,
Your son-in-law has a lot of nerve, and at least in this circumstance, it is woefully misplaced. I’m not certain how he came to assume that you would be splitting a college-fund inheritance into thirds between the baby your daughter is currently pregnant with and her two friendly-but-not-close near-adult stepchildren. Is it possible he had reason to believe that his children would be receiving some sort of inheritance or financial assistance from you? Otherwise, it’s hard to comprehend a level of anger that lingers for this long about what could generously be called a misunderstanding, but seems a lot more like rage at an unmet and unspoken expectation that no one in your family, or his, ever agreed on.
If he’s chosen to be angry about this, there’s little for anyone else to do but let him. As long as his reactions stay within the bounds of what’s appropriate, this seems like something he’ll ultimately have to work through on his own. If your daughter continues to bring up the fighting, it’s OK to say, “Honey, we’re sorry this has become such an enduring source of conflict, especially during what should be a beautiful time, but at this point, we’ve done all we can.”
Now is the time to focus on your daughter, and this very wanted pregnancy, supporting her as much as you want and preparing your hearts to be filled to the brim with a sweet new love. Her husband should be doing the same, and I hope he comes to his senses soon enough not to miss his chance.
Dear Prudence,
My partner (he/him/Taurus) and I (she/her/Capricorn) have been together for six years. I thought we knew each other deeply—at the very least—astrologically. I have been consulting his horoscope along with mine for years. When talking over a glass of wine, he admitted he didn’t know my horoscope. I can’t shake this feeling. Why doesn’t he want to track our star charts? Is he even into you if he’s not checking your horoscope?
—Dissed by a Taurus
Dear Dissed by a Taurus,
I mean, he’s a Taurus you’ve been dating for six years who likes sitting around at home with you? Being at home is usually a Taurus’ favorite thing to do, and apparently he likes having you with him in his home. My limited astrological knowledge tells me that’s a good thing, even if he doesn’t know the details of your chart. How much does it bother you? Why does it indicate a lack of connection? That could be something to explore for yourself.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
I talk daily with a close friend. He frequently turns the conversation to an ex of his—he psychoanalyzes her, speculates on how she’s handling major life events, compares other people to her, etc. It’s been close to a year since their tumultuous breakup, and I’m honestly so tired of talking about her. It never changes either of our opinions and leaves me annoyed and frustrated. How can I politely but firmly say that I won’t discuss her anymore?
—Totally Talked Out
Dear Totally Talked Out,
Taking my best shot at a response you can use, but please keep in mind that I am a Capricorn (something the letter writer “Dissed” and I have in common) and not afraid of a little confrontation: “Hey, man, I can tell that the way things ended with ___ is still really hard for you, and I’m sorry. I love talking with you about all kinds of things, but I notice ___ keeps coming up in a way that leaves me ending our conversations wishing we’d talked about something else instead. Do you think we can put that subject on the back burner for a bit and just see how we feel?”
—Ashley
Classic Prudie
My husband and I were married seven years before he unexpectedly died. He was from overseas and told me he didn’t have much in the way of family since his parents died. He lied. When I finally mustered up enough courage to go through his old boxes, I found photos, letters, and documents. My husband had been married and then divorced in his home country. Worse, there were pictures of him with his five children. The man that I loved, that was trying to build a family with, left his five young kids behind without a look back. He never breathed a word about them to me. He certainly never financially supported them. The entire foundations of my world have been shaken. Is it wrong to go looking for his family?
