Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
How should we guard against cheating with AI? Long explanation: My 13-year-old rising 8th grader had minimal summer homework to complete. The homework was reading with related writing and it was not difficult. One of the books he had to read was The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan. This is the second book in a series. The class read the first book during class in 7th grade and he enjoyed it. The associated one-page writing assignments were very simple. Each third of the book had a paper due with generalized prompts. My son does not like reading and he had the opportunity to use Audible. I also told him I would read to him, but he declined.
Reading this book and doing the writing assignments was a fight all summer long. He completed one paper, and it was like pulling teeth to get it done. I really got after him and he eventually came showed me his second paper. As I read it, I asked him if he used a thesaurus. “No,” he said, “I just have a good vocabulary.” Which is true, so I didn’t press. A couple of days later, I was looking at his internet search history on his phone. I randomly look at his phone and our shared laptop history every few months. He knows I do this. There was an unclosed incognito window where he asked Chat GPT for a summary of the book chapters. Then, he asked Chat GPT to write the paper, including poor punctuation and random capitalization. This is the paper he showed me as his final work.
I have a doctorate degree and worked incredibly hard to write original papers and perform original research. I value academic integrity, and I am furious. I have not discussed this with him yet, nor does he know I know. I need to have some steps to prevent this from happening again before I reveal I know his paper is bogus. I am taking it too personally that my child has cheated. I need to calm down before I bring the issue to him.
Worth noting: My son has dysgraphia. His writing is illegible, and it is very difficult for him to organize and express his thoughts. He has an IEP which addresses the dysgraphia; he can use a keyboard, and he can have a scribe. I was his scribe for the first paper but he didn’t want me to scribe for the second (I am sure because I would be able to ascertain he did not read the required chapters).
—No Cheating
Dear No Cheating,
Before you confront your son, remind yourself that it isn’t uncommon for kids to try and take shortcuts when it comes to schoolwork, and this isn’t a sign of a character flaw. Nor does it discount the serious work you did to earn your degree. Calmly let him know that you discovered what he did and that you are deeply disappointed. Explain to him that there is no excuse for cheating and while Chat GPT may not be the same as, say, copying a classmate’s work, the outcome is just as disingenuous. Let him know that this form of fakery can get him in serious trouble, especially as he gets further along in school. He could be failed, suspended, or even expelled for this sort of thing, and teachers are getting better and better at recognizing work that students have generated online. As you enter this new school year, let him know that you will be regularly checking his assignments to see if he’s used a computer program to complete them. Give him a chance to explain why he did what he did and ask if there are any additional accommodations that he may need in order to complete his work truthfully. Use a website blocker to block Chat GPT on your devices, but do know that there are a number of similar sites, so it will be important for you to stay on top of his work. Also let him know that next time you catch him submitting work he didn’t complete on his own, you’ll let his teacher know.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How much should I help my tween navigate what seems to be a toxic friendship? For years, my son James has coveted Andy’s friendship, and for years, Andy has set rules that James has to follow for them to be friends. These have included “I spent so much on your birthday present you have to pay for part of it,” and “If you don’t tell our teacher to f- off, we’re not friends anymore.” Now they’re in middle school, and with iPads and messaging, Andy is baiting James into insulting other kids and sending screenshots, insisting that James “date” Andy’s sister and then announcing their relationship to the class and cutting James off for slights like not being available to play Fortnite. I’ve tried to focus on the actions, explaining that no one can ever force you to pay them for a present, and that’s not what friends do, and took the screenshot situation as an opportunity to share the dangers of being online. I’ve also encouraged other friendships and activities away from Andy. But James always goes back, and Andy’s always Andy. I know prohibiting a friendship will backfire, but do I just have to ride this out?
—Not a Toxic Tween Mom
Dear Toxic Tween Mom,
You can’t control what James does at school, but you do have jurisdiction over the rest of his time. You can prohibit the boys from hanging out outside of class and you can also require James to block Andy on his devices. This may not prevent them from being friends at school, but at least you can protect him from some of Andy’s antics. You also may want to consider having a conversation with Andy’s parents. Surely, they are aware of his friendship with James, and I would wager they’d be upset to know how their son is behaving. Continue pointing out to your son how poorly this kid treats him and that a real friend wouldn’t set requirements like that for their relationship.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Our 1st-grade son has been wanting to grow out his hair since around preschool. My partner and I have been supportive of this because we honestly don’t care what his hair looks like as long as he likes how it looks. His other parent has not enjoyed the long hair look and has been pretty vocal about it. They’ve taken him to get his hair cut a few times now, without notifying us first, twice explicitly against his will (where he told us both times he was very upset). A few weeks ago, he told me at bedtime that his other parent keeps bugging him about cutting his hair, which bothers him a lot. My partner and I reiterated to him that he gets to keep his hair however he wants because it’s his hair. It’s something all three parents had multiple conversations and agreements about.
(Our rules for keeping long hair are that he has to routinely shampoo and condition and use a wet brush in the shower to keep it tangle-free. He also understands the concept of dead-ends and knew he’d need a trim soon—which he was not very happy about until he realized it would make his hair healthier.)
Well, his other parent took him to get a haircut this week. They told us that our son said “yes” and was fine with it. It is not a trim. A lot got cut. The parent wanted it shorter but didn’t go shorter because our son didn’t want that. In the moment, we said explicitly (and calmly and kindly), “Please don’t cut his hair again without letting us know first, because the last time we spoke to him, he was really against a haircut and we would have wanted to hear it from him first.” Other parent explains that they had a very jokey, fun time about it. We asked our son how he felt about his hair, with all three of us with him, and he kind of brushed us off and said it was fine. It felt like he didn’t want to talk about it. When he got back to our house, we asked him again. We were super casual about it and said the answer didn’t really matter, we were just really curious and wanted to learn what made him change his mind about wanting a haircut. He said he didn’t really want it, but that his other parent told him, “I’m just going to keep asking you until you say yes,” (I imagine this was supposed to be a joke?), and so he said yes because he was annoyed and wanted it to stop. How would you proceed from here?
—Co-parents
Dear Co-parents,
You and your partner need to have a serious conversation with your co-parent about why they pressured your son into getting a haircut when he didn’t want one. Explain that while you understand that they may prefer his hair shorter, your son doesn’t and that he only acquiesced to make the requests stop. Let them know that they have taken away your son’s autonomy as it relates to his hair and that isn’t fair. For the three of you to successfully raise this child together, you need to be on the same page and you need to be transparent with one another; by implying that your son had a “jokey, fun time” with getting his hair cut, they were being untruthful.
Ask that in the future, they please respect your son’s wishes and allow him to grow his hair out as he sees fit. Tell them that his hair is likely central to his identity, and by pressuring him to cut it shorter than he’d like, they’ve taken away a piece of him and infringed on his bodily autonomy. As far as your son goes, explain to him that his other parent obviously has a strong preference with regard to his hair, but that he needs to try his best to stand up for himself and let them know when he doesn’t want his hair cut.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m not really sure what my position here should be: My daughter “Melissa” is 11. Melissa has a few very close friends, including Bella and Lindsay. Bella’s mother always talks about people’s appearances. She compares Bella to Mel and Lindsay, saying that she wishes Bella was skinnier like her friends (she seems perfectly ordinary to me) or saying “Oh you got a B? Well, Lindsay got an A”. Bella said she’s struggling to see the board at school but doesn’t want to tell her mother because she’s said before, “At least you don’t need glasses like Mel.” I found out about this because Bella made an off-handed comment about how she couldn’t do something because “Lindsay’s prettier” and I asked her why she thought that. I want to help Bella but I’m not sure how I can or if it’s my place to do so.
—What to Do
Dear What to Do,
Bella’s mom is a real nightmare, and it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to change that. However, it would be in Bella’s best interest for you to try and advocate for her. Let this woman know that you’re aware of how she compares Bella to other children and that it may be harming her. Share the comment about her thinking Lindsay is “prettier” and that Bella is struggling to see at school, but that she’s afraid to tell her because of the disparaging comments she’s made about Mel’s glasses. On that note, you should also ask her not to make negative comments about your child in her presence either. Again, it’s not probable that this woman will become an entirely different person, but at the very least, she may feel embarrassed that your daughter shared these things with you and, hopefully, she’ll take her kid to the eye doctor.
—Jamilah
