Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 4, almost 5-year-old, daughter has been saying how much she misses her friend “Jill.” They went to the same daycare (that they both attended mostly full-time) for one or two years and were close friends but didn’t see each other outside of daycare. A year ago, we switched schools and although I got her mom’s phone number and we talked about doing a play date, the mom never responded to me when I asked about it after we switched schools. We invited her to our daughter’s birthday party last year and the girl’s mom responded, “Maybe” and then never replied when I followed up. How can I help my daughter adjust? I wish I could make things better. She has made friends at her new school and has others outside of school. I tell her that I’m sure her friend misses her, too. But she mentions her almost nightly and sometimes cries about it. I thought this would go away with time but it has now been a year. What can I do to help her?
—Sad in Ohio
Dear Sad,
It’s hard to cope with the loss of a friend at just about any age. Your daughter is no longer in the “a friend is any kid in front of me” phase of toddlerhood and is old enough to understand someone’s absence from her life.
Help her find outlets for her sad feelings. Maybe there is a special stuffy she can squeeze, or maybe she’d like to send a prayer or wish to Jill (not a wish to see her again, but more like wishing her well). I would also share a story or two from your own childhood of a friend who drifted out of your life—it could help your daughter understand that some friendships aren’t forever, but that’s OK.
You could also try keeping a journal of the circumstances when Jill’s name comes up. What happened earlier that day, or at what time did the sadness strike her? Maybe it mostly happens when she’s feeling overtired, or after a particular activity or playdate. By writing it down, you can start to see patterns, and then find ways to interrupt them. (If it’s truly a nightly occurrence, it might be hard to glean a pattern.) A year is a long time to miss a friend this badly, and while that might truly be all that’s going on, I can’t help but wonder if maybe Jill is a red herring for something else. Like, maybe she doesn’t feel close with her new friends, or a child in her gymnastics class is being mean to her, and she can’t figure out how to express or make sense of her feelings except to recall this very tangible sad thing she remembers. Journaling can help you be sure you aren’t missing something—and do some light digging to gauge how she’s feeling about the other kids in her life.
Disappearing friendships are unfortunately a part of life—both for kids and adults! So long as you aren’t trying to eagerly “replace” Jill with a bunch of new friends, simply listening and supporting will be enough. In time, the hurt will fade. And who knows—they might run into each other on social media in a decade or two!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’ve seen parents ask about how to manage the artwork their kids bring home, but what do you do when your children are deeply attached to every single thing they make, to the point that they will start crying at the idea of getting rid of anything?
I’m drowning in their drawings and some assorted crafts, but I don’t know how to reach an agreement with them on how to decide what to keep. They are 7 years old. Please don’t suggest that I just get rid of stuff without their permission. They would never trust me again. I need real advice. Help!
—Can’t Keep It All
Dear Can’t Keep,
Seven years old is old enough to make some of these decisions with you. Grab a Rubbermaid bin that will fit the dimensions of most of their art (think 11x17 max) at a depth of your choice and let them know that you can keep as much art as can fit in that bin. They can decide what they want to keep. If they can’t bear to part with the surplus, that’s what grandparents and aunties are for! Send that stuff out for others to treasure. You can do this at an interval that works for you, perhaps at the end of each school trimester/semester. Alternatively, take a photo of each piece of art and assemble the images into an easy-to-make photobook from any one of several online retailers. By the end of each school year, you’ll have an anthology of their work to enjoy (or store).
If this is truly something causing your kids angst to the point that they are crying, I would speak to their pediatrician or school social worker to rule out anxiety or some other underlying concern. Good luck!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m writing from India and have a 4-year-old who is typically very manageable. I hardly have hard times with him, but when I do, it’s really hard. Today for example, he woke up early and we needed to buy milk, so I took him on a bike. On the way, we discussed that we could go out for breakfast. He insisted that he wanted to take the breakfast to school as a snack and I agreed to it, provided he got ready for school early so that we had time. We got back home and he wanted to play. I played along but kept reminding him at intervals that if he was going to take more time, we might not be able to go get breakfast. Later he agreed to get ready. Once he was completely ready and was about to put on his shoes, he threw a fit saying that he would only wear at-home clothes. I sensed that he was afraid that I might not take him to buy breakfast, so I reassured him that we would definitely go out to get it but he refused. He removed his clothes and was crying relentlessly and I had to give in, because I had a meeting to get to.
I got him into the car in his casuals with school uniform and shoes in tow. We bought the breakfast, dressed him up in the car, and headed to school. We were 20 minutes late.
On the way to school, I asked him if he was aware that he made a mistake, and he agreed. I apologized for losing my cool and promised a kiss once I stopped driving and he kissed and apologized too. But this is one of the many incidents where he has been stubborn. I don’t know if I should be happy that I’m raising a child who can advocate for himself or if I’m raising a child who is relentless and insensitive to others’ requests. At times, the distractions work but it hasn’t been possible always. Help! Am I spoiling him?
—No More Fits, Please
Dear Fits,
I wouldn’t say you are spoiling him, but it sounds like you are teaching him that his bad behavior has no consequence. Buying breakfast was a special treat, but it required him to get ready for school early; he procrastinated, then refused to dress in uniform, and thus he wasn’t ready—but you still got him the breakfast. In effect, you’re teaching him that his whims matter more than your directions. You’ve also taught him that if he throws a fit, or appears ready to, you’ll cave. What kid wouldn’t use that to their advantage?
In this situation, there are a couple of things I would suggest you approach differently. First, remember that kids his age do not have strong executive functioning skills, so a prompt to get dressed soon will not really sink in, especially not when the alternative is playtime! If you are going to allow him to play in the morning, that’s fine, but tell him how long he has and set a timer. When the timer goes off, it’s time to stop playing. If he changes the terms of your agreement, remind him of the consequences. “OK, you are deciding to play for five more minutes, that means we are not getting breakfast. Do you agree?” When you set consequences for instances of disobeying or delaying, state them clearly and calmly on the front end—and then most critically, hold fast to them. For example, “You need to go to school and I need to go to a meeting. If you do not get dressed in your uniform, you will lose dessert/screens/toys after school today. It is your choice.” Check out the book 1, 2, 3 Magic for an easy formula for staving off or interrupting tantrums by offering consequences and limited warnings. Once you have this communication system in place, you’ll be much more able to find opportunities to give your son some flexibility and choices. But the foundation needs to be set first. Good luck!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m looking for a recommendation for a kid’s first cookbook suitable for a 7-year-old. My kid is interested in cooking!
—Order Up
Dear Order Up,
I crowd-sourced some local moms and experts and grabbed a few recommendations for you:
Betty Crocker’s Cookbook for Boys and Girls—an oldie but a goodie. My friend said she still remembers making the recipes from it. The modern version kept the old aesthetic so there’s a charming throw-back feel to it.
A local librarian told me that she’s heard great things about Brianne Grajkowski’s Cooking with Kids. The recipes are simple, and the pages are well-designed for easy comprehension.
One mom friend suggested looking for any cookbook with licensed characters from their favorite TV show or movie, as that tends to motivate the kids to stick with it. Some books even include foods made on the show, which could make for a fun dinner party theme. This might be the way I finally learn what Pavlova is (if you know, you know).
My neighbor recommends the Complete Cookbook for Young Scientists, from America’s Test Kitchen. As the name suggests, it’s part recipes and part food science, so it’s great for budding chefs who also like to ask “why.”
If cookbooks aren’t enough, some subscription boxes might be worth considering. A 6-year-old friend of mine loved her I’m the Chef Too box, and Little Passports offers a Kitchen Adventures box in partnership with America’s Test Kitchen.
For bonus points, as you all experiment and explore, consider letting your kid copy down their favorite recipes from a variety of cookbooks and assembling them into their own book. It could make a great gift or keepsake!
—Allison
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