Every election cycle for the past 8 years, theCHIVE has put forth an… alternate candidate for President. And while these candidates don’t remotely have the requisite credentials, we don’t really care.
There was the time we ran Chis Farley for President posthumously. A bit of an odd choice considering he wasn’t alive but, fun fact: A candidate cannot be disqualified for being deceased. Their name can remain on the ballot, and if they gain the most votes, the vacancy will be filled in accordance with whatever vacancy laws are prescribed in that area. Long story short, Farley could have won.
Here’s a better angle of the Farley T-shirt for you. You’re welcome.
Speaking of “could have won”, that brings us to the now-famous yet short-lived candidacy of William James Murray. Before unveiling the designs, we had plotted this campaign for months. We made t-shirts, buttons, campaign packs; heck we even opened up a “Murray for President” local election office in Austin.
At the time, we had no clue we’d created a real political animal with this one. The t-shirts, stickers, and buttons, sold out so fast that we rushed the second order two months ahead of plan. Everybody wanted to rep Murray for Prez.
The unintended consequence of our actions is that these amazing tees go on warm human bodies all over the country, which fuel more demand. It was a flywheel effect we hadn’t seen since the early days of the KCCO tees. We were determined to ride the wave.
Until one morning a local news station in Austin released the results of their presidential polling and discovered a “peculiar response pattern as it relates to an unannounced candidate.” The local poll discovered that 2% of all respondants claimed that they would be writing in “Bill Murray” for their presidential vote. The news station was confounded. They had no idea how this had come to pass? We knew exactly what was happening.
Around that time, Bill Murray called me. His tone was a mix of amusement and concern, “John, I’m, uh, going to have to politely rescind my candidacy.”
“Totally understand, Bill, we were just tying to have some fun.”
“It’s fine. For the record I would have converted the rose garden into a pitch and putt.”
After four weeks, we suspended the Bill Murray campaign. I always wonder what would have happen if we were permitted to continue. We will never know.
This year, we’re doing something a little different. The body politic has many different preferences in potential candidates.
Being the civic minded citizens we are, we’re revealing a diverse pool of candidates today. All are extraordinary and plenipotentiary.
Including our current front runner, The Dude For President.
Less than half these candidates will survive the primaries. We are currently running a March Madness style bracket on our social media to crown a champion. We will likely keep all of the Final 4 live, which means that over half of the designs will disappear forever over the next 48 hours!
So here are the candidates for President of the United States of theCHIVE. We begin with the candidate currently tied with The Dude, BIGFOOT for President!
Every year the most popular write-in candidate during a Presidential election is, you guessed it, Mickey Mouse. (True story)
We are adding our own special touch to the Mickey Mouse election lore. Introducing Presidential Boats N Hoes.
For your consideration, Let’s Go Fuck Shit Up for President!
One of our strongest contenders this year – Holliday For President
Yes, we are running a Golden Retriever for the highest office in the land. Doggo For President.
If you’re getting John Wick for President is a strong contender, I can tell you he’s a shoe-in for the Final 4 as it currently stands. That can always change, but so far so good.
Yes, we are running a Meatball Sub for President. This is my dark horse candidate. The toasted sub got off to a slow start but is picking up steam. It might not make the final cut, but this is one of my personal favorites.
Last, but certainly not least, Kenny for President! This bad boy is currently bringing this heat.
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