5 Signs That a Partner Is Emotionally Immature

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Jonika worries about whether or not she would know if she was in a healthy relationship. A survivor of domestic abuse, she feels that she is "drawn to toxic relationships." She often worries about the red flags she missed the first time and wonders if she would trust herself if faced with another potentially toxic or even abusive situation.

In a session, we talked about the ways to recognize when someone exhibits signs of emotionally healthy communication and behaviors. Like many with relational trauma, the act of recognizing healthy traits can often feel foreign to her. "It's terrifying to think about being with a healthy person," she often says. "I don't know if I am ready."

There is often a certain comfort level with what we know, and what we know is likely what we were exposed to during our developmental years. If our caregivers or early relationships were filled with emotional immaturity, we likely learned that these ways of interacting with others were normal. Certainly, not all emotional immaturity is toxic or abusive, but many survivors of relationship abuse find that some of the biggest warning signs, in the beginning, were those of emotional immaturity, such as a lack of boundaries and difficulty with conflict. Working to unlearn these behaviors is often one of the hardest parts of healing.

Emotional immaturity is when someone can't recognize or control their emotions in an age-appropriate way. This can manifest as emotional outbursts, lack of self-awareness, and lack of emotional depth. I'm a therapist specializing in helping survivors of relational trauma, and working with clients to recognize emotional maturity is often a big part of sessions. Often, severe signs of emotional immaturity can go hand in hand with other toxic or even abusive traits. As many of my clients also have experience with emotionally immature or even abusive relationship caregivers, it is often more difficult for them to recognize when they are witnessing these same behaviors with partners.

Recognizing emotional immaturity in potential partners is less about stigmatizing and pathologizing and more about recognizing what behaviors and traits will make survivors feel safe. Many survivors of relationship trauma are worried about repeating this cycle and want to know what to look for.

Here are some common signs of emotional immaturity:

1. Does your partner exhibit empathy? If not, this is perhaps the biggest sign of concern that they are emotionally immature and can also be a red flag that they could cause emotional harm. While not all people with low levels of empathy desire to hurt others, this factor can be the number-one precursor for abusive behaviors. This is due to a lack of understanding of how their behaviors affect others. Without empathy, an emotionally immature partner will convince themselves that they were the one who was wronged in any argument instead of taking ownership of their own actions.

2. Does your partner respect your boundaries? If not, this is a sign of emotional immaturity. Many emotionally immature partners will take someone's boundaries as a personal attack and become offended. Whether it be your name, your pronouns, or anything about your body and mind that you would like respected, no one has the right to cross that without your permission.

3. Are they unable to go deep? Some people report that their partners are emotionally immature because they keep things superficial and surface-level. This can be very frustrating for people who want to learn more about a partner and have a deeper connection. Some people are unable to go deeper into thoughts and feelings due to trauma history, neurodivergence, or even cultural factors, so this should not automatically be discounted as a concern. But, ultimately, a relationship with them might not work for you if you are someone who wants to have a deeper connection, and that's OK.

4. Do they have difficulty controlling their emotions? While anyone can have a bad day, look for a pattern of outbursts that are inappropriate to the situation or moments when they seem out of control or unable to calm down. This could be a sign of emotional immaturity.

5. Do they struggle with conflict? This can be anything from avoiding conflict at all costs or, at the other end of the spectrum, seeming to engage in conflict with many different people all of the time.

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If you feel that your partner is emotionally immature, I recommend these four steps:

1. Examine the bigger picture of behavior. What types of things are they immature about? All of us will have weaknesses and imperfections, so occasional immaturity, such as being emotionally immature in certain circumstances, is not always automatically a cause for concern. In isolation or during a bad moment, all of us can likely check off at least one of the above. Look at the full scope of the person's behavior.

2. Are they open and self-aware about their maturity? Can you talk to your partner about concerning behavior? Some behaviors that you see as red flags may be resolved by talking to your partner about them. In a healthy partnership, both members would want to address these behaviors for the relationship to improve. Healthy couples can and do learn to navigate such issues when both people are willing and able to do the emotional work.

3. Are there any reservations about the relationship in your mind? Allow yourself to acknowledge them and work through them. It might be your gut telling you that something doesn't feel right. Trust it.

4. Don't be afraid to address the behavior and acknowledge when something doesn't feel right. Even if the person does not mean to harm you, it can still be a situation that doesn't feel right to you for whatever reason. It is OK to reconsider the relationship if you feel they are not emotionally mature or self-aware enough to be a mature partner.

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