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Sorry for the long post. TL;DR: paragraph 9 and 11.
Often when trying to explain why I’m doing something, I’m accused of blaming people or making excuses. I try to avoid this but I can’t properly explain the reasoning behind my actions when the reasoning is another person. I never intend to put the blame on that person.
Sorry if that’s confusing. It’s 3:30am and I genuinely haven’t slept properly in weeks. Speaking of sleep, here’s an example situation that happened today:
I have problems waking up and going to sleep. I naturally wake up in the afternoon. I sleep very deeply, so alarms don’t work as i either don’t hear them or I turn them off in my sleep. Because of this, I rely on my parents to wake me up, and they’ve expressed that they are happy to do this.
My mother and I have decided that she will wake me up in between 8-10am. This morning she forgot and I woke up on my own at 1-something-pm. I was very upset about this as I had a lot planned for the day.
The main thing I was looking forward to doing was something I had planned to do at 3:00pm. I couldn’t do the other things I had planned, so I hoped it would cheer me up. About 10 minutes before 3:00pm, my father said he wanted to discuss something with me in a few minutes and he would come to talk to me about it very soon. It wouldn’t take long, so I waited. At 3:00pm he still hadn’t come back, so I kept waiting. At 3:30pm I went to look for him because he was wasting the time I had planned to use. Before I could find him, my mother came to tell me that he was about to come to talk to me. I trusted her, so I waited some more.
I got distracted for a while and before I realized it it was 4:30pm and he still hadn’t come. So much time had passed and I couldn’t risk talking to him for a few minutes because a place I wanted to get food from closes at 5:00pm and I felt gross and needed to have a shower before getting it and I didn’t want to keep stuff in the fridge while I did that because the temperature would be weird and the texture would be different.
I think my father completely forgot about talking to me because I went out of my bedroom and saw him walking around the kitchen while eating a slice of white bread.
At this point I was crying non-stop and really stressed. I had a lot planned for the day and didn’t want to ruin the one fun thing I had planned. I felt horrible.
Later, I refused to participate in something my parents were doing because I was just way to stressed and upset. My parents got angry and wanted to know why I was upset. I said something along the lines of “I feel like most of my day has been wasted because I woke up late because (my mother) didn’t wake me up, and then I spent almost 2 hours of my time waiting for (my father) when he didn’t even come. This has been happening for weeks and you keep breaking your promises and it’s making me really stressed”.
After I said this, they got angry and yelled at me for blaming them and said it was my fault.
How could I improve the wording so I don’t accidentally blame people? I don’t know how to accurately explain the issue when I’m not allowed to bring up the reason for it.
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This is a huge leap to make based off of the post.
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I disagree with the other comment: It’s not OP’s parents fault and framing it as abuse is not helpful here.
OP you have trouble waking up and you rely on your parents to do this but here’s the hidden lesson here: Everyone is human and is bound to have days where they forget things, run behind schedule, and/or have things that take priority where they usually might not. Perhaps that happened with your parents on this day. More, even if you rely on your parents to wake you up, it would be beneficial for you to have backup plans for waking up because 1) your parents cannot always be counted on to come through (I.e. they may have days/times they need to be away from you) and 2) there may be a point in your life when you have to be up at times when they are otherwise engaged. Perhaps you should try multiple alarms set for up to an hour that disrupt your sleep.
By telling you it’s your fault your parents may have meant exactly what I’m saying: they cannot always hold the responsibility for ensuring you get up. They may be happy to do it when they can but when they forget or cannot, it is on you to get yourself up.
The comment I’m replying to is a textbook response on here and it’s really sad when many if not most parents work hard to help their ASD children but still NECESSARILY have to limit what they do so that their kids gain more independence where possible. Remember that your parents are always in a state of “What happens to my kid when I cannot be here?” mentality and that alone is enough reason to try to encourage independent skill-building.
Perhaps your parents meant that instead of just waiting for your dad to come back, you might have called him and asked what he intended to talk about. Here they may want you to be able to problem solve and find solutions when you’re faced with a dilemma.
Finally, your parents may mean you need to take accountability for yourself. Voicing a concern that you want to get food at a certain place that closes at a certain time or reminding your parent that they said they wanted to talk and you have plans is taking accountability for yourself because you’re ensuring that you communicate with them.
More taking accountability here might mean realizing that it is ultimately on you when you get up. They can come in and say it’s time to get up but you could also simply go back to sleep.
This is my take someone with a stepchild who has ASD.
Thank you, this is very helpful. The same kind of situations have been happening every day for the past few weeks, and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of time. I have multiple very loud phone alarms set up for every 15 minutes and they usually do wake me, but I usually end up turning them off in my sleep and only become conscious enough to realize what’s happening after about 4 hours of this. The only thing I’ve found effective is my parents waking me up.
I hope the post didn’t seem like I was blaming my parents for forgetting, that’s the opposite of how I intended it 😅