Confusion fills my mind with doubt

which one will it be 

the words she writes 

wrestles with your emotional flight

empty heart

miles away

city skyscrapers

gloomy days 

fire from within

melts away

The pain I felt all of those days

It stains

Back and forth we go again

Our lips touched once again

I gave you everything

I tried my best 

Late night words thrown at each other 

Who will it be 

Confusion. 

When you sit back and think about it, life is a pretty cruel thing. You spend your life basically working up to your death and your departure from this life. I know that’s pretty morbid, but sadly it’s the truth. When you die everything that you once cherished and loved suddenly becomes meaningless. It’s an unfortunate process truthfully.

My grandpa called a few days ago to tell my family and I it was time to take him to hospice. I decided to go and spend some time with him not knowing if those were the last moments I would ever get to spend with him. As I laid beside him on his bed I watched as he struggled to breathe, to form words correctly. He looked at me and said “I’m not going to be here much longer Amy.” I choked back my tears with everything that I had. He knows he’s dying, but yet he’s okay with it. He’s so incredibly strong, he’s not afraid. His frail body shook as he tried to catch his breath. That body that carried him throughout this life for 87 years. The body that fought through army training during the Korean war. All of the hours he spent studying to earn a college degree. My grandpa has lived a very successful life. He’s the absolute wisest person that I know.  He looked up at me and said “Amy, I want you to know how proud I am of you and the young lady that you have become.” As I felt the tears forming he then looked at me and said “I want you to start making your bed though.”

I have this very vivid memory of being about 7 and asking to take a shower at my grandparent’s house. I asked my grandpa for a bottle of shampoo and he handed me a bar of soap. I remember looking down at the soap in confusion as I asked for shampoo and not a bar of ivory soap. “Wait, but I needed shampoo to wash my hair.” My grandpa looked at me and said “Ah shoot, you don’t need all of that stuff. A bar of soap does the trick.” Even though my hair felt like plastic, my grandpa taught me a lesson that day. He taught me that happiness is simple. He taught me that sometimes less is more. He taught me that if I wanted something in life, I had to get out and work for it. He taught me to be thankful for what I had and to know that things to not come easy in life.

It’s because of my grandpa that I started working at 15. It’s because of my grandpa that I am in college. Without the life lessons he’s taught me, I simply wouldn’t be who I am today.

The past few months of my life have been pretty difficult. I’ve become very distant from life lately and taken some time off to mentally recharge. I know I said I’ve been happy, but that wasn’t fully the truth. I know your birthday is tomorrow, I hope it’s great. I called you earlier to ask for your address so I could send you a gift. I guess you hate me now. I’m so tired of always being there for people. I’m so tired of always listening to other people and problems and then when It’s my turn to vent everyone is suddenly busy. No one ever says “How are you Amy?” Or “How have you been lately?” But hey, I guess that’s just it. You can’t put your happiness in others because eventually everyone always leaves.

 

 

 

 

A year ago today I found myself in the darkest place I’ve ever been. I felt as if I was drowning, slowly gasping for air desperately calling for someone to save me. Looking back on the past year of my life I have grown and matured drastically. I have discovered myself, I have found me. I have come to realize that sometimes life gives you rainstorms, but once you make it through the rainstorm there will always be sunshine. These turmoils that life throws at us only make us stronger in the end. Throughout this past year of my life I’ve decided to surround myself with people who love me rather than tear me down. I’ve been writing this poem for a while now adding more and more when a thought comes to my mind. April 1, 2015 was a turning point for me. Here we are today on April 1, 2016. I am happy. So incredibly happy. 

Can I go back to the simple days, when the night was young, free of clutter, nothing was disarrayed. I hold on to the past, as I remember when I genuinely laughed. Days seem long and drab as people judge your character over a corrupted story that they hear. The negatives outweigh the positives, even if it’s just one. A thousand sunny days seem to be overshadowed by the darkness of one rainstorm. “But you don’t even know me, I say.” As they say “I’ve heard stories about her.” Attached to my name as if I’m wearing it as a fur coat. They don’t know the truth, they don’t know that I was hurting. Suddenly I’ve become victimized and subject to this metaphorical murder. We all have our demons, we’ve all paid our dues, we’ve all worn our scarlet letters, but I wear mine because of you. You broke my heart, you ripped me apart, now I’m getting mocked and you just flaunt. Does it make you feel superior to make me feel so small, to tear people down and force them to build up a wall.i thought I knew you, but I guess I was wrong. I know who I am, I know I’m not wrong, you ripped the bandage off when the skin was still raw. But they say you get what you deserve and I see that now I deserved the hurt. Like a bird searching for its prey I chose you regardless of the fact that you were with her. Hurtful words that were plastered to my bones now looking back I deserved them all. Through the pain I became numb until I met him and I became young. He revived what had died in me and led me to the sun. he noticed the tint of my blue green eyes which planted seed of a new beginning watered by the sky. I love that boy more than words can pronounce, he saved me from drowning and sorrow, through him I learned what love was truly about. But I know the day he leaves is drawing near, I’m preparing for the pain that awaits me there. The memories we’ve made will forever stain for soul, for he was the one who made me whole. Desperately holding on to his hands grasped to mine as if it’s the last time I will ever feel his skin against mine. oh but he’s going to soar with such a loving heart, he’s the wisest person I’ve ever encountered even if I will be left inevitably sore. I’ll watch his life in pictures, I’ll remember his unforgettable laugh, I’ll never erase our adventures from the map. As the day draws near when he packs his bags and leaves, I’ll remember that I was the one who was supposed to save him, but he was the one who saved me. 

As humans, we always want what we don’t have. It’s a tale as old as time and a tale that will never grow old. This past year of my life I’ve grown and matured drastically. During high school, all I ever wanted was to graduate. I was mesmerized by the idea of life after high school as if it was some unknown universe that I had never explored before. Now that it’s almost been a year since I’ve graduated, I’ve realized how special those years truly are. I’ve realized how fast time flies by. So here I am now in the same clicky, judgemental town that I’ve always lived in surrounded by the same nosey people. The girl that always has a plan doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life. All of my friends, are suddenly leaving, going off to different colleges and different places doing great things with their lives. (Or they already have) They are doing it the way it’s supposed to be. To be honest, I’m jealous of them. I’m jealous of the people who greduated with me who are doing great things already while I opted for the easy way out. I’be always told myself that I would do something big, something monumental with my life. I just love happiness. I’m addicted to the feeling of happiness. Truly all I’ve ever wanted to be is happy doing something that I love. So here I am telling you some things that I’ve learned recently. Please listen seriously.

1. Don’t wish high school away, you’ll miss it I promise.
2. Take school seriously. Turn in your vocabulary cards.
3. Hug your friends, tell them you love them, you never know if it’s the last time you will get to see them.
4. Your parents aren’t always out to get you. In fact, they are only looking out for you because they love you.
5. Coffee is your best friend. 
6. If you put out positivity into the world, positivity will come back to you. 
7. Don’t friend zone the guy who cares about you. He notices little things about you that no one else ever will. 
8. The guy that you keep friend zoning will treat you better than the douchebag you’re texting ever will. 
9. Give the guy you’re friend zoning a chance, you might end up falling in love with him. 
10. When you think you’re having a bad day, I promise that someone else has probably had it worse. 
11. Kiss a lot. Kissing is great. 
12. Watch your grandma cook, because I promise you’ll need it one day. 
13. Travel, explore new places. 
14. God is amazing. Pray, I promise he’s listening. 
15. Sometimes you have to say no. You can’t hang out with everyone, write a 500 word essay, and go to work all at the same time.
16. Make time for yourself sometimes. Relax. 
17. Love everyone. 
18. Ride around at night with the music blaring with no destination in mind. It clears your mind. 
19. Sometimes you grow apart from people you were once extremely close to. It’s okay, everyone goes in different directions, we all change. 
20. Laugh a lot. 
21. It’s okay if you don’t want to drink.
22. Go to concerts.
23. Binge watch t.v. series on Netflix while wrapped up in a blanket while eating junk food. 
24. Forgive others. What you were once mad at them about is most likely irrelevant now.
25. Enjoy every moment. You only get one life, so make it awesome.

In retrospect, Sunday morning meant dressing up. Sunday morning meant Sunday School. Sunday morning meant the smell of coffee mixed with perfume in the fellowship hall from the sweet old ladies who always told me how much I had grown. Sunday morning for me growing up meant going to church as a family to show our respect to the Lord. As a little girl, that was just routine for me.

As I grew and evolved into my adolescent self, I began to realize and appreciate the meaning of that routine. During my middle school years, my close relationship with God was evident. During that time in my life, I truly loved the Lord, and I lived for him. I was extremely involved in my church, and I surrounded myself with people who loved Christ.

Flash forward to my high school years. During high school, I struggled with my relationship with God occasionally, but I still managed to live my life for him. I was still seeking him throughout my high school journey. Going to church was still something I made sure to do, but overtime I slowly began slipping away. 

It wasn’t until this year, my freshman year of college that I’ve realized how lost I truly am. This past semester, I’ve become a stranger to my own self which is extremely terrifying to someone who has always felt confident in her own skin. I’ve slipped into the absolute darkest place that I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve always heard testimonies of people explaining these “dark seasons” in there life, but now I can relate to those testimonies myself. Sunday slowly became more of a day of catching up on my sleep rather than a day to worship him. 

These past few months of my life, God has been calling me back to him. I can’t express in words how great of a feeling that truly is. I’m scarred, I’m bruised, I’ve sinned, but He is standing there with open arms. 

A few weeks ago, I was driving alone in my car at night. I was dealing with an intense feeling of anxiety for a few weeks. I felt lost, I felt alone. As I pulled up to a red light, I called out to God verbally to save me. I confessed my sins to him, I admitted that I had doubted him. I confessed that I had turned away from him, and that I was afraid. I asked him to save me, to heal me, to turn me back to him and his word. I asked him to give me a sign that he was with me, that he heard me. Tears began to fill my eyes as I completely opened myself to the Lord. 

It was in that moment when a motorcycle pulled up at the red light next to me. On the radio of the motorcycle, a song called “City On Our Knees” by Toby Mac was playing through the speakers.(it’s extremely odd that a Christan song would even be playing on the radio, because the closest station we have always comes across with static. This station was clear) 

The lyrics that I heard completely shocked me and I began to break down. “Through the fog there is hope in the distance….Tonight’s the night, for the sinners and the saints. Two worlds collide in a beautiful display.” I felt that the Lord was speaking to me in that moment. I asked him to give me a sign, and he granted that wish.

 The following Sunday, I decided to visit my old church for the first time in a long time. As I walked in the door of the church (I am not exaggerating at all) “City On Our Knees” was being played over the PA system. I smiled in that moment, because I felt his presence there with me. 

This past Tuesday while on a hunt for a prom dress, I decided to randomly go into a little shop downtown. When I walked in, the girl who worked there was so incredibly nice to me. She helped me find a dress (which I later ended up buying). We began talking, and she told me about how she will be moving to Vermont in August to join her boyfriend in being a missionary. She explained to me that her and her boyfriend have a long distance relationship, and that they actually met in high school. I could tell that she loved the Lord. She asked if I was free to get coffee on Saturday, and I said “of course!”

So here we are Saturday night, and we met for coffee. I’m pretty stoked because I feel the Lord working through my life, and I’m extremely happy about that. Megan talked to me for a long time, she listened to me vent about my life, the darkness I’ve encountered recently, and how I felt that God was calling me back to him. She shared some pretty awesome advice.

 After sharing the link with her, I told her about my blog and how I express myself in the form of blog post rather than verbally speaking to people. So Megan, if you’re reading this, I want to thank you for sitting with me in a coffee shop for 2 hours talking about Jesus and how powerful he is. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences, and giving me advice on how to strengthen my faith again. I truly feel that God is working through you to help people like me that have found themselves lost and desperately calling out for help. 

I’m so excited to see what is happening in my life. I’m so pumped to see how God is working on me and through me. I can’t wait to see what’s next. 

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not for yourselves, it is the gift of God.

 -Ephesians 2:8

So, today classes started back. *sigh* In my critical thinking class we all had to write a fact down about ourselves that not many people knew. I wrote that I had an online blog where I vent about various rendezvous happening in my life. What I didn’t know is that the professor would read them aloud and everyone in the class had to guess who it was. When she read mine aloud everyone in the class glared at me. I suppose my laughter as a result of my embarrassment gave it away. Everyone wanted to know how the blog came about. I explained how I’ve always had a love for words, and how writing has always been therapeutic to me. That is exactly why I am writing to you now. I am currently sitting in the bathtub trying to relax my mind from the plethora of information from syllabuses that I have consumed today. To sum it all up, college is hard. Everyone seems to know what they are doing, and where they are going around you. I’m that person who sits in Starbucks alone anxiously trying to determine the best route to get to my next class. Today I realized that growing up is hard. As I stood in Walmart today staring at the laundry detergents, I found myself overwhelmed at how many options there were. Those are the things you take for granted when you live at home. Now I use my hard earned money to buy toilet paper, and coffee creamer rather than lipstick and cute socks that have cats on them. That was never something I had to worry about until now. My mom was always so great at picking the most cost efficient products. I assume that’s knowledge that you accumulate over time, but for me it’s a vital sign that I’m on the verge of full blown adult hood, and quite honestly it’s scary. I hope it all becomes easier over time, because I am not one to deal with stress easily. I guess it’s all a part of growing up. Everyone has to go through it eventually. That’s what I’m telling myself at least. For now, it’s back to reality: desperately sipping on Chamomille tea and organizing notebooks. I’ll talk to you soon blog. -Amy

I am so thankful for my family. I’ve always looked at my parents as my friends. I’ve always told them everything because I have always and will always respect them. I have always been thankful that God blessed me with parents who support everything that I do in my life. My mom is my best friend. My mom is the person who tells me when something is a bad idea. My mom has always been the only person that can calm me down. Still to this day I call her when something is worrying me, or when I’m afraid. Even if it’s 3 A.M. I know she will always answer. I’ve always looked up to my mom for being such an amazing human being. My mom is the abosolute most selfless person that I know. No, my mom doesn’t hold a college degree but that doesn’t make her any less of a person. I get extremely defensive when people look down on stay-at-home mothers because in my mind it’s a full time job. My mom always wanted to be a mom…and she’s pretty dang amazing at it if you ask me. When people ask me what my mom does for a living I usually get a snide remark or a strange look after I tell them she’s hasn’t worked since I was a baby. What they don’t know is that my mom completed her core and was about to declare a major when my mom had to drop out. At the time my grandma (her mom) had just lost her job, and as a single mother she was paying for two children to go to college. (My mom’s dad was killed in a freak accident when my mom was a baby, therefore leaving my grandma a widow with 3 children) My mom made the decision to drop out, and work 40 hours a week to pay for her brother to graduate since he was a year older than her. Once again, my mom always puts everyone above herself. I can only dream that I will be half the mother and person she is someday. My dad has always been my biggest fan. My dad is the person who obnoxiously takes pictures everywhere we go. My dad and I bond over music. 90% of the music that I know today is a result of my dad’s influence on me growing up. He has a love for music without being a musician that I’ve never seen before. He somehow has the ability to hear the first chord of a song and tell you the title of the song, the album that it’s on, and what year that album came out. He’s always had the best stories. When my dad was growing up, they had to move around a lot because of my grandpa’s job. Out of all the places he lived, his favorite was Memphis, Tennessee. I’ve always loved hearing his stories of all the iconic bands he saw in concert when he was in high school/college. In college he volunteered as a radio broadcaster below a library at the University Of Tennessee. My dad has an incredible business mind. Basically, to sum all of that up, I am so lucky to have incredible parents that have taught me morals and been there through everything. As I’ve gotten older and now that I’ve graduated I can see that they are both extremely stressed out. I guess I never really went through the typical “wild teenager” phase, I did quite the contrary actually. They never had to reprimand me, or “ground me” because I never gave them a reason to. The story is quite different with my brother. My dad tells me he doesn’t sleep anymore, and my mom calls me in tears because every other phrase that my brother says is a lie. It hurts me to see them hurting. I just wish my brother could see them the way that I always have. But hey, I guess I can dream right? Until that day, I’ll continue to binge watch Netflix with my mom, and listening to music in the car with my dad. They will continue to keep me grounded. I just really love my family… a lot. 

So, it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m currently sitting in a chair with the sounds of blow horns and rap music surrounding me. The fire cracking behind me is about the only thing peaceful around me. I feel as if I’m living the story of the song “here” by Alessia Cara. I hate parties. I hate parties. I hated high school and all of the awful memories are flooding back to me as if I’m reliving them all over again. I hate parties. I don’t know what it is about me, but I love meeting new people. I love conversing with people and hearing about their various adventures they have gone on throughout their lives. I have no issue talking to a stranger on a park bench telling me about the hardships in which they’ve overcome. On the contrary, the concept of “parties” have always seemed so univiting to me. I’ve never understood why kids standing around holding red solo cups judging every move that you make because you dare to be different is fun. Maybe I’m a rare breed, maybe I’m actually 85, I’m not sure, maybe I’m not normal, Either way, I’ve never fit in with people my own age. Who am I anymore? I used to be so confident in myself, and who I was. I feel like I don’t even know me anymore. Everyone in my life seems to hate me right now. I feel like I can’t do anything right in my life. I feel as if I am hurting the people who were there for me when I was hurting. I’m hurting the people who saved me when I was drowning. My innocence has vanished into nothing. I don’t know where I’m going in my life, or what the future holds, but I do know that I have become somewhat of a stranger to myself. I was so ready to grow up, I was so ready for college. In my mind I imagined my apartment to be clean and the aroma of candles would fill the air. I imagined that I would me so many new people, and that I would make new friends. Little did I know I would spend most of my time in my apartment cleaning up messes that I didn’t make, I wouldn’t meet any new friends. I’m so tired of this town. I’m so tired of people making accusations about someone based on a corrupted story they’ve heard. I wish the world wouldn’t be filled with so much hatred. (This blog post is extremely far from being sonically cohesive, and for that I’m sorry.) As I am laying here with my head pounding from various New Year’s Eve festivities I can’t help but let my mind wander. There is this place in my head that I always imagine myself in when I need to calm down. The place is at the top of a waterfall and there is a small patch of grass that if you stand on it overlooks mountains with fog lining the tops of each. The air is crisp and clean and no one is around. There are no distractions, no sounds except the sound of the roaring waterfall. I’ve always thought about this place since I was little, and it’s always seemed to calm me down. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been an anxious person. I worry about everything and I always have. I worry about irrational things that would never phase anyone else. When I was little I would work myself up to the point that I couldn’t breathe. The doctor once told my mom I was in desperate need of seeinga psychiatrist   and “prescribed” me to see one if you will. My mom crumpled the paper as soon as we left and laughed. I don’t really know where I intended to go with that story, but oh well. Basically, I feel as if that “place” that I’ve always gone to when I’m afraid is now filled with a thunderstorm and heavy rain. I’ve always tried so hard to be good to people, but lately I feel as if I’ve shyed away from that. It’s a very scary feeling, but hey, I guess that’s just life, right? Here’s to 2016, here’s to a new year. I can’t wait. I know you’ll be better than 2015, because it was pretty crappy if you ask me. 

So here I am. I’m writing to you from my new apartment. It’s cozy here complete with string lights and the smell of scented candles burning throughout the room. The bright yellow light from the street lights shine through my window as Iay in my bed writing to you. Living in an apartment is everything I always dreamed it would be and more. I remember Miranda and I in American Goverment class in 9th grade as freshman. We talked about how when we graduated and went to college we would be roommates and live in an apartment together. Little did we know that would actually happen. Then it was just a distant dream, but not that dream is now a reality. It’s crazy really. So far, I really love College. I love how much freedom you have. I love that it’s my responsibility to wake myself on time to make it to class. I love that it’s me. By that I mean that I don’t have to rely on anyone else. I prove to myself and everyone else that I am capable of so much more than I allow myself to be. It’s quit rewarding actually. As far as he goes, I think I truly am over. I don’t think about him anymore. If I do, it’s me realizing how much I’ve grown as a person in the past few months. It doesn’t hurt as bad now when I hear his name. He hurt me, and I’m okay with that. I’m happy with my life now…extremely happy. It’s a new life, and so far I’m loving it.

It was the second semester of my senior year. I was mesmerized by him. I lost myself more and more each time I looked into his green eyes. He was my first boyfriend, my first relationship. He was the first guy I ever REALLY fell for, and man when I fell did I fall hard. He was the first guy I gave my heart to, and the first guy to break it in two. He was the first guy to question my self-worth, the first guy to make everything around me feel as it was crumbling. He made me feel as if I was trapped below water and I wasn’t able to come up for air. He made me believe he loved me endlessly, that we would be together forever and I was the stupid one who actually believed it. 4 months of my life felt as if they had been stolen from me, the life felt as if it was sucked out of me. I thought I knew him, I thought I loved him. I’ll never forget the day. It was one of those days where you just wake up and feel as if something is off, that the universe is giving you some sort of warning. It was April fools day. He did it over a text message. “I can’t do this anymore. I need space.” Those words still echo through my mind and send a chill down my spine every time I replay them. It took him a day…a day to get back with her..his ex. He took her to prom and I went alone. She was a sophmore, and I was a senior. It was my senior prom, and it was ripped out from under me. Do you want to know what the worst part is? I miss him. I miss his hands, the way his lips felt when he’d kiss me. I miss his laugh and how he’d make fun of me for falling asleep early. I miss riding in his car screaming the words to Ed Sheeran songs at the top of our lungs. I miss the face he’d make when he’d play guitar, and how frustrated he’d get when he didn’t get his way. I miss when he’d learn Taylor Swift songs for me so we could sit on the floor and I’d sing for him. Who is that person I miss? I’m not sure. That person I knew is now a stranger. It’s as if what we had has been erased from time, erased from history, but not from my mind. He will always be in my mind as those tarnished memories eat me alive.