Separating authentic connection from emotional addiction

Annie Tanasugarn, PhD

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Invisible Illness

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7 min read

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Mar 30, 2022

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We’ve probably all heard about “lovebombing”, or we may have experienced it firsthand, so I ‘m not going to spend much time explaining it. That’s not the point of this article. What I do want to enlighten you about is why it happens and how to separate lovebombing from authentic connection.

Two Types Of Lovebombing

If you’ve experienced being lovebombed, you know how good it feels. At least at first. It makes us feel heard, seen, and wanted. Yet, it’s not only us who feels the emotional addiction from being lovebombed. It works in reverse where both people become addicted to the rollercoaster highs (and the devaluing lows) that come with it.

There are two common types of lovebombing to be aware of: overt, and covert.

Overt lovebombing is what we typically know as idealization — where we’re showered with gifts, excessive and shallow flattery, or expensive trips they’ve booked. Overt idealization is usually easier to spot. It’s loud, manic, impulsive, over-the-top, and usually comes from someone who displays severe Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits and behavior — but not always.

With typical “overt” idealization, the relationship moves very fast. They may be calling first thing in the morning on their way into the office, or praising us to their family or friends entirely too soon that they’ve “found their soulmate”. With overt lovebombing, the energy creates the addictive pull (the pull in the push-pull) towards them. Yet, the flipside can come on just as quickly and seemingly out of the blue where we’re now being devalued, and the push ensues.

A common red flag that overt idealization has turned to devaluation is anger or indifference. They may get visibly angry if you can’t go (or don’t want to go) on a trip with them, or if you decline their extravagant gestures to take you to that wine-country vacation in Sonoma. You may see pouting, or they may begin stonewalling you and not responding to your text or call, where you’re feeling like you owe them an apology or explanation. At this point, you may have been painted “All Black”. It’s common to see a sadistic side come out where they may take another person to the same places you went with them, where they’re vying for your reaction. Or, they may simply discard and immediately replace you with whatever they had on the side.

Covert idealization is a different beast altogether, and not as well-known. Covert idealization can be tougher to spot because the gestures may not always be as obvious as with overt lovebombing. Current research supports correlations with those who have experienced overt narcissistic abuse as being twice as at risk for getting enmeshed with a person with covert NPD afterward.

The reason?

The overarching behavior and lovebombing is often different from the loud and brash “typical” overt lovebombing, and often a welcome change. Instead of loud or impulsive manic energy that can flip on a dime, covert idealization isn’t trying to “win” us with expensive gifts or superficial flattery.

This type of lovebombing hits us right in our unmet needs.

It’s common with covert lovebombing (and covert narcissism) to tap into our need for safety, connection, or esteem. They may be extremely attentive to our needs, may provide us stability or a sense of safety by telling us, “…they’re not going anywhere”, or they may tap into our need for motivation, confidence, or feeling worthy by telling us they believe in us, that they’re here for us, or they may lend a hand in helping us out.

Many are passionate, gentle, and intelligent, and are hanging on every word we say. The reasons are obvious when they’re based on covert narcissistic self-interest and lovebombing: they’re cashing in on their own needs and tapping into their own Ego by playing a hero. If we battle shaky self-esteem, they may say we’re interesting, or smart, or they are intrigued by things we have to say. They may focus on supporting our fitness routine — not by showering us with fake flattery or telling us we’re gorgeous, as seen in overt lovebombing — but by teaching us how to breathe when jogging, or how to protect ourselves with the proper clothes. Unfortunately, it’s not genuine, but rather, they’re taking mental notes on the things we may not like about ourselves, as leverage for later devaluation.

Whereas overt devaluation will usually throw everything they once claimed to adore about you in your face to hurt you, covert devaluation also works differently from “traditional” devaluation. If they’re more covert in their behavior, then devaluation may be nothing more than a disapproving look or a sigh, followed by a ghosting. Suffice to say, you “disappointed” them and fell off the pedestal.

Unlike overt narcissism and overt lovebombing where there isn’t always the need to be a “hero” or “fixer”, when covert narcissism or lovebombing are in play, there is a need to be seen as a good guy/gal to others because their esteem and Ego are more visibly fragile than with overt narcissism. Thus, they may simply smear you to the same people they once held you in high regard around, and then disappear out of your life. Ghosting is often their preferred method of discarding a relationship instead of a more drawn-out devaluation phase that is common in overt devaluation.

Why It Happens

The obvious reasons we’ve learned about idealization is that it’s usually the product of those with Cluster B personality disorders. When lovebombing is based on a personality disturbance, it’s also based on conscious manipulation and self-interest. If a person with a severe personality disorder is lovebombing their partner, the ulterior motive is based on controlling that person, who likely battles codependency issues and looks to their partner as a “fixer” or “rescuer” with all the answers. Because this explanation for lovebombing has been played and replayed many times, I’m not going to waste anymore time on it.

The other reason people can lovebomb is not based on a personality disorder, but is due to attachment trauma.

Specifically: attachment trauma that has caused a fear of abandonment or a fear of engulfment. Or both.

When a person lovebombs based on attachment trauma, they battle an insecure attachment style, often Anxious or Disorganized. Their intention may be to “win” you over — but not for the same motivations as those with narcissistic agendas. When attachment trauma is the underlying reason for lovebombing, it may be to try and get you to like them (because their sense of Self, or self-worth are damaged and incomplete). Relationships may also move very fast, but again, not for the same self-invested reasons as with lovebombing based on narcissistic agendas. They may move fast in order to solidify the relationship in hopes that you won’t leave.

The irony is that many with attachment trauma who find themselves using lovebombing in their relationships, often get involved with partners who tilt on the Avoidant side of attachment, where being lovebombed triggers them to feel overwhelmed, “trapped”, or engulfed. This in turn often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where the other person is now abandoned, triggering their biggest fears they were trying to avoid.

Separating Emotional Addiction From Authentic Connection

All authentic relationships are based on a pattern of:

connection → rupture → repair → deeper bond

In the early phases of a relationship, we’re focused on the connection between ourselves and our partner. We’re learning who they are, allowing them inside our world, and slowing getting to know each other and what makes us tick. The stronger the authentic bond, the greater the likelihood that when relationship rupture happens (which it inevitably will), the greater the chance for repair, and strengthening a deeper bond in its aftermath.

The thing is, when it’s based on lovebombing, relationships never get to the place of repair → deeper bond.

What makes it idealization, whether overt or covert, is that the relationship “has” to stay in the ‘connection’ phase, even though the connection is superficial, based on feigned love, shallow investment, and chronic busyness or other distractions.

Moving to the inevitable ‘rupture’ phase in a relationship is seen as triggering of fears of abandonment for anyone who is insecurely attached and finds themselves using lovebombing as a means of “securing” the relationship. In this sense, ‘relationship rupture’ → abandonment.

It plays out differently (yet, ironically similar) when lovebombing is based on narcissistic self-interest; relationships can’t get to the a place of authentic repair → deeper bond. In this situation, because lovebombing is the ‘connection’ phase, the ‘rupture’ phase becomes devaluation. These two phases can replay an endless amount of times in a toxic relationship where, instead of moving to repair and deeper connection, they keep cycling between shallow connection and rupture.

Ultimately, both types of lovebombing — narcissistic self-interest or attachment trauma — struggle moving past the ‘connection’ and ‘rupture’ phases. With attachment trauma, the rupture phase triggers fears of abandonment, where they are prone to abandon their partner instead of the excruciating feeling that they will be abandoned. With narcissistic self-interest, the ‘repair’ and ‘deeper connection’ phases are threatening to their self-interests because the relationship was not based on authentic connection from the start.