3 Ways to Reverse a Pattern of Detached Dating

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Many people come to therapy after running into problems with the partner they thought was "the one." They often say things like:

• “I’m not sure if this relationship is even worth my effort, as she does not seem to have all the qualities I am looking for in a partner.”
• “I fear that if I am my genuine self, he might think I am weak for being emotional and choose to walk out.”
• “I feel like there’s a wall between us. Why do we shudder at the thought of talking about the things we need to talk about?”

Much of this uncertainty stems from a "detachment" in one’s attitude towards dating. Part of this has to do with a more distanced approach to dating (i.e., texting instead of talking) that is common today. Another part has to do with the seemingly endless opportunities to strike up a connection with a new romantic interest via dating sites.

Whether we choose to pin it on the culture of social media or the endless opportunities to meet someone new – or whether we blame it on self-sabotaging (such as being overly perfectionistic) or self-preservation (shutting ourselves off from the possibility of being rejected) – these self-defeating mentalities are not bringing you any closer to your ideal vision for your future.

As much as we say that we can be independent and that we do not need anyone, we cannot ignore the fact that our emotions make us human and that we all have a need for deep, meaningful connections – especially romantic ones.

Here are three ways you can forgo feelings of detachment while navigating your dating journey.

1. Embrace Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is not as easy as it sounds, especially if you’ve been hurt in a relationship. Professor Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that you are enough.” To be able to live up to this lofty definition of vulnerability in your relationship, you must first create a relationship of trust.

Like everything positive, trust requires you to put in the effort. One way to build trust is by creating an "emotional bank account" – an idea proposed by relationship researcher John Gottman. Emotional bank accounting means that if you truly love a person, you tell them through small and frequent gestures. Celebrate your connection with them every day instead of waiting for your special day.

Some of the ways you can make continuous deposits to your relationship’s emotional bank account are:

• Showing physical affection. This can be as simple as giving them a tight hug after a long day at work.
• Giving them a gift. Let your partner know in tangible ways that you are always thinking of them lovingly.
• Being curious about their life and showing genuine interest. Ask them about their day or ask them what their aspirations for the coming days look like.

2. Make Space for Conflict

Detached dating looks a lot like dating in the dark. You spend much time and energy guessing the other person's thoughts and feelings.

Additionally, people avoid bringing up subjects that might incite a disagreement due to their fear of getting hurt. The list of reasons we manufacture to avoid difficult conversations is endless.

Conflicts are scary and may be perceived as threats to your relationship. However, it is important to understand that a respectful argument is better than an ice-cold silent treatment.

Sometimes, conflict is the quickest way to a resolution. It signals that the other person cares about the relationship, that partners haven’t shut each other out completely, and that they are still open to sharing their viewpoints and making the relationship work. Therefore, instead of avoiding heart-to-heart conversations, find ways to embrace conflict in your relationship. Here are a few simple tips to get started:

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• Envision yourselves as a team and consider ways to turn problems into shared goals to be solved together.
• Resist the urge to blame, criticize, disrespect, or feel defensive. Instead, adopt a more open and curious stance.
• Accept that all relationships require ongoing maintenance. Brace up and put in the hard work to protect a relationship that matters to you.

3. Express Gratitude and Admiration

Expressing your gratitude and admiration for your significant other increases the amount of shared respect that exists in your relationship. It is also the best way to fend off feelings of resentment and contempt, which are two of the top predictors of breakups and divorce.

Your thoughts and feelings for your significant other are supposed to be said out loud. It reaffirms the belief that you love and respect your partner despite their imperfections and peccadilloes.

One way to express fondness for your partner is to compliment them whenever you observe something striking. It never hurts to say genuine things such as, “I really loved what you gave me on my birthday. It was really thoughtful and sweet.”