Parenting

People often ask me who my most difficult clients are in my profession. They always think I’m going to tell them about some young kid who doesn’t listen and is completely disrespectful. Or they think I’m going to tell them a story about some sociopath or someone with a split personality.

That’s not my answer. In my 20+ years of working with kids, I’ve only met one kid who was disrespectful even though I remained respectful. It’s also part of my job to work with kids who have problems listening. In regard to personality disorders, I refer those out.

The most difficult clients I work with are parents. I have gone rounds with parents when it comes to their kids. I have fought against them in courts and had to humble many of them.

When I meet great parents, I absolutely love them and appreciate them. Unfortunately, I have met way too many prideful parents who become defensive, and want to blame their kid for everything or use them as a pawn.

I’ve had men try to intimidate me by yelling at me multiple times. I’ve had someone throw their Treatment Plan at my face. I’ve had divorced parents try to “fire” and threaten me until I write a nice long letter to the courts explaining my side and showing the parent is just trying to get a counselor that will agree with them.

I’ve also had clients try to tell me what to say to their kid and/or try to get me to tell them what their kids are saying. I tell them, “No. I’m sorry, but I’m not telling you what they said. However, I will encourage them to talk to you.”

The more educated or financially successful a parent is, the more they resist taking responsibility if I confront them. It’s almost as if their education or financial wealth has given them the idea their parenting can’t be put in question.

Thus, in the interest of those who would actually like to know what makes a great parent and wants to work on it, I have supplied what I see as the best qualities and characteristics of a good parent.

1. High-Level of Self-Awareness

EVERYTHING starts with self-awareness. The type of self-awareness that makes us understand how we affect others and how, we ourselves, are affected.

Self-aware parents see how their actions affect their kids and even though they accept sometimes their kids won’t like the consequences, they try to be just and as kind as possible. They understand their actions, decisions, interactions, and attitudes are how their kids are going to see the world.

Self-aware parents are also the ones who don’t want to repeat the same mistakes their parents made but also don’t want to go too far in the other direction. They understand balance is essential but, unless we’re talking about abuse, they avoid the negative things done to them by their parents.

In my point of view, other people can tell you you’re a great parent. You can tell yourself you’re a great parent. But the only people who can give you the most honest feedback are the ones you’re parenting. Your kids.

Self-aware people don’t get feedback from others or themselves. They touch base with the people they’re doing this job for daily. Their kids. That’s the best and most important feedback you can get.

2. Active Listening

I teach this to parents all of the time. The average attention span of a teenager is approximately 2.8 minutes. The average attention span of an adult is not much longer. If you are giving your kids a lecture, stop. They aren’t listening and neither would I.

You as the parent should be doing the listening. People tell me they don’t know what their kids are thinking, but when I see them interact, they’re droning on and on to the kid, who says nothing. I’m sure the kid is thinking of their next D&D game or what they’re going to do tomorrow.

If you want to know what your kid is thinking, LISTEN. Don’t tell them what to think. Let them tell YOU what they think. It doesn’t have to be what you think. I urge you to get excited about how they see the world and how they think outside the box.

Let your teens talk about the most ridiculous things and expand their thought processes. Unless they’re going to do something dangerous, it’s all just talk, a need for validation from their parents, and the way they grow their brains.

3. Words of Love, Encouragement, and Affirmation

Spare the rod, spoil the child? Antiquated. Cave mannish. Actually, very lazy parenting. Try communicating with them so they can hear you and you can hear them. Try taking the time to explain things in a way they understand.

Teaching a child through fear may have them doing things your way in front of you. Teaching a child through communication will have them doing things the right way in life.

Would you like your boss to come whip you when you do something wrong at work? Does it make you want to do a better job if s/he does whip you? Of course not. You’d want to destroy them, and your self-esteem would be damaged.

We don’t have to destroy a child’s self-esteem to teach them anything. In fact, most kids want to impress their parents. Positive affirmation has a bigger effect on kids than reprimands and punishment.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t punish your kids. There are times when that is perfectly necessary; however, if you’re not having positive communication with them about why they’re being punished, then it’s all futile. You’re creating a very angry young person.

But it’s not only the angry, hitting parent that damages kids. Let’s talk about the parents I deal with often: The neglectful parent. This is the parent that makes a million dollars a minute but is never around to talk to their kids.

This is also the parent who spends more time with a love interest than interacting with their kids. This is also the parent who tells me, “Oh shucks. They just want to be with their friends all of the time anyway, so we don’t really get to see him/her much.” WTF?

Actually, your kids DO want to be with you. The more time parents spend with their kids the more well adapted the kids turn out. And if you have to make them spend time with you, believe me, they will appreciate it in the end.

Kids need words of love. Kids need words of encouragement and affirmation. They need to hear their parents believe in them to do better and be validated when they carry out those actions.

4. Freedom Within Boundaries

I meet so many parents who want to micromanage the crap out of their kids and are so afraid of them making mistakes. Your kids are better off making their own mistakes under your roof than when they’re 18 years old.

You need to allow your kids to make a lot of choices and mistakes. You can tell them what you think, but then let the hell go. If they fall and it’s something that won’t hurt them completely, then teaching them that they have the power to get up and try again is essential.

I have had a lot of “helicopter parents” in my work. These are the parents who tell their kids, step by step, what they need to do all of the time. Being a helicopter parent is one of the biggest mistakes you can make.

When kids feel controlled or think they can’t even voice their own thoughts, they learn to become manipulative to feel a sense of freedom. When I hear a parent tell me their child is manipulative, I usually know something is going on in the home where the child feels a lack of freedom.

Freedom comes in all kinds of packages but sometimes you have to think outside the box. For example, a client taught her kids a routine when they were younger to come home from school, take a small snack break and then get to studying.

Their homework was always completed before they could play video games, hang out with friends or do anything fun. Work before play. Good idea. Good parenting.

As the kids got older and were in middle school, she saw they kind of altered this routine. The daughter would come home from school, watch a show, hang out a little and then do her homework after dinner. The client spoke with her daughter who stated it worked for her better.

The client made a deal with the daughter. She stated if the daughter got straight A’s and handled her chores, she didn’t care how the daughter studied. But if the daughter got a C or less then they would discuss what was going on and the mother would get a say on how her daughter studied.

Daughter agreed. The daughter graduated with a 4.10 GPA from high school and Mom never had to intervene and decide how the daughter was going to study.

This is freedom within boundaries. It shows the child what the boundaries are and allows them to make their own choices within that realm. Allow your kids to make as many choices as possible.

5. Positive Role Modeling Continually

If you’re always right then how are your kids going to learn how to apologize, accept responsibility and basically, not be arrogant assholes? It is GOOD to show that, as humans and parents, we make mistakes too and we can be graceful in our acceptance and change, even with them.

Being aware also means we are aware that what we tell them are rules for ourselves as well. There is no such thing as “BECAUSE I’M THE PARENT.” Hypocrisy is never going to fly as far as being a good parent goes.

What we do has a bigger effect on our kids than what we say. If we tell them not to cuss while we’re cussing them out, well, we just gave them permission to cuss.

If we are angry, yelling people, well, we just taught them how to handle their anger. If they disrespect and backtalk you, well look at your own communication first. There is no such thing as “BECAUSE I’M THE PARENT.”

Here’s a big one when it comes to role modeling: If you want your kids to get along and love each other do NOT talk about one of them to the other in a negative way behind their backs. Not only did you just teach them to dislike each other but you taught them how to talk behind people’s backs.

I have people say the only reason they talk behind their kids’ backs is that they care. Bullshit. You were angry and vented to the wrong person. Go vent to your spouse or a professional.

The minute you talk behind your kid’s back to a sibling you just broke down the relationships between them. You’re the leader or one of the leaders of the family. How are the minions not going to want to listen and follow it?

Anytime we talk behind our kids’ backs, compare them or tell them they need to be more like so and so, we are breaking them down. I bet your kids could name hundreds of parents they wish you were. Believe me when I say when it comes to role modeling, what goes around comes around.

I hope this gives you a good idea of what makes a great parent. I hope you don’t take it personally and dig your heels in on what you are doing now. Some people are lucky to have had some or all of these traits in their own parents.

All of these traits can be worked on and learned. There is nothing on this list that is impossible to do although there is hard work involved in change.

The first step is acceptance and deciding whether you want to be a better parent. I’m sure there are many other routes to becoming a better parent and this is just one of them.

Namaste, my friends.