Chapter Text
The leaf-fall rains had returned and stayed, falling in a light mist over the gray moor as Talltail and Briarface walked side by side up the northern hills to the Sleeping Glade. The place where WindClan laid their fallen to rest. As Talltail walked with his friend in contemplative silence, he still looked with suspicious concern towards the eastern border. It had been a little less than a moon since the confrontation with ShadowClan, and, though every cat was still nervous and on high alert, it had been quiet. Jake trailed behind them at a distance, practicing his stalking while they visited. Talltail had invited him, but he got the feeling Jake didn’t want to intrude. Talltail heard him try in vain to shake the misty wet air from his thick ginger pelt. That cat was nearly always damp since the rains returned, while the water dripped more easily off Briarface and Talltail’s comparatively shorter pelts.
Talltail looked back at Jake fondly, remembering what he did in the aftermath of the fight. No one was ready to address the kittypet in their camp while tensions were high and Shrewclaw’s condition remained uncertain for days. But eventually, inevitably, Heatherstar was angry. Now of all times they could not be seen having outsiders around, and Jake must leave immediately.
Before Talltail could try to defend him, Jake quickly responded with “Well I won’t be an outsider if I join you right?”
Everyone gasped at the brazen tone, Talltail felt like he might faint on his paws. He was shocked and after some smoothing things over and apologizing for his lack of manners, and some charm on Jake’s part, Heatherstar, very hesitantly, agreed.
Talltail hadn’t expected it, although neither of them had done a good job of planning what exactly they did intend to do after arriving there. When Talltail questioned him later, Jake simply said he didn’t want to cause any trouble here and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Talltail had been very nervous for a while, but Jake made it hard for even hostile cats to complain. His sincere kindness in response to even the passive aggression of Whitetooth and Crowfur radiated from him.
“He’s not so bad,” Whitetooth had grumbled the other day, which was as good as a warm welcome from the old tom. That was Jake alright. Clumsy, bold, and difficult not to start adoring.
But while Talltail grinned back at Jake, he caught a glint of doubt in Briarface’s eye. Briarface was always kind to Jake, they got along well, but he had always been a little hesitant to share in Talltail’s joy about him staying in WindClan.
“It’s not that I wouldn’t like to have him around, but it’s a big life changing decision, and I just worry he didn’t fully think that through when he said it,” he’d told Talltail some time ago. “I think he just wanted to protect you, and in the moment…”
“I know it was a bit sudden, but Jake is very capable,” Talltail had insisted. “We already did some hunting practice together on our travels, and he’s gotten a lot better just in the past moon! Well, he’s not much of a rabbit chaser, but he’s a natural at stalking field mice.”
“Well, I’m sure you can handle the rabbits enough by yourself.” Briarface purred. “The fresh-kill pile has been harder to restock without you, you were among the best hunters in the clan, especially of bigger prey.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Of course! believe me, the elders certainly noticed. We’ve all missed you.’
Talltail gave a halfhearted chuckle. “I can’t help feeling like--”
“I’m not exaggerating.” The finality of his tone clearly said ‘don't try to argue with me about it.’
“Alright, alright. Thank you.” Talltail purred.
“You’re welcome. And just think, You've come this far beating yourself up the whole way. Imagine what you could become if you had a little faith in yourself. Every cat is impressed with how you handled yourself with ShadowClan--even the ones who were a little miffed about not charging into battle.’
“That’s all well and good I suppose...I really don’t have any great ambition to chase, I just want to do the best I can for everyone.”
Briarface nudged him gently. “That’s the greatest ambition you could have. Heatherstar knows it. She has to be a bit harsh on you right now, but there's never really been any question that she would let you stay.”
I hope that’s true… Talltail glanced behind to make sure Jake was going to catch up, but the ginger tom seemed to be going purposefully slow. They were nearing the Sleeping Glade now. Talltail had never come here after Brackenwing’s death. He’d been too nervous. Briarface and Talltail arrived at the clearing of soft grass and shallow mounds of dried scattered flowers. This place was strangely quiet, more so then almost anywhere else on the moor. Even after all these moons, Briarface still missed his mother and the twinge of pain was obvious in his eyes. Talltail leaned quietly against him. Some part of him still hurt too.
“It’s getting easier.” Briarface murmured. “Perhaps easy is not the right word, but I am learning how to manage...Perhaps Shrewclaw can start actually managing it as well. He kept saying he was feeling better over the past couple moons, but…I don’t think he ever meant it.”
Talltail remembered the rage lit up in Shrewclaw during the battle. It had remained for a long time, even when he couldn’t stand. The first quarter moon, many cats feared he would die, Briarface among them. Shrewclaw’s wound was bad enough, then he suffered an infection that kept him unconscious and feverish for days, unable to eat. But miraculously, slowly but surely, the infection began to ebb. His voice was weak and he was short of breath, perhaps he always would be to an extent, but he was alive. Talltail almost felt like they could start to relax.
“When you all left…” Briarface said quietly, “I started getting such a feeling of dread that something awful could happen that night. It was a similar feeling I got the day your border patrol left, before Brackenwing was killed. I think I was so close to mourning twice over and...I don’t think I would have been able to stand losing him too. I don’t know if he'll fight the same again... but he's here, and if it hadn't been for you, I think he would have died in that fight. Even a couple moments later would be all it would take. I hope you know that. I will be grateful to you for all my days.”
Talltail opened his mouth to say they couldn’t be sure it was all thanks to him. He would have preferred to stop Shrewclaw from getting hurt at all. But he simply nodded. Shrewclaw certainly had not extended any kind of gratitude towards Talltail. He hadn’t been fully conscious and aware very often when Talltail saw him, mostly all he got from the tom was a groggy glare before pointedly looking away. But the bad tempered warriors' frustration was a price Talltail was happy to pay. Maybe they could mend some things between them some day. Now that the opportunity to try hadn’t been stolen away from him too soon.
In the glade, they replaced the bones for Brackenwing. Her body was gone now, and whatever remained lay nestled in a circle of wild flowers. The first graves dug were purposefully shallow, slowly scattered in the wind or perhaps by birds. Whatever was left of a cat's body was blown away, so when their spirit could fully let go of their first life, Silverpelt would be close by and waiting for them to join the stars. Talltail realized he never really allowed himself the chance to mourn the kind molly who had always done her best to be there for him, as well as her own kits. Unlike...well, certain other cats he somehow still hadn’t seen much of since returning. If what Briarface said was true...he hoped keeping Shrewclaw alive could suffice as thanks to her. Talltail was almost surprised to realize, the sight of scattered bones did not frighten him like it did when he was young. It was merely a part of them after all, like fur, like claws. He was long past being haunted by skeletons in his dreams. And death was something he would have to learn to walk alongside. That was the path he was choosing in returning here. He would probably return here many times in life, and have many more loved ones to mourn, many more bones to replace. It was a life bound with inevitable hardships. But he knew it was better to be here with his dearest friend, and feel everything fully. Time to mourn properly rather than trying to bury and run from it. There was enough love here as well, to be worth the risk of pain.
As Talltail leaned close to Briarface, he shifted a bit, feeling a little awkward about his next question. "Briarface, what you said before about having feelings of foreboding...have Hawkheart or you...had any other bad omens?"
Briarface almost smiled. "Not recently. It's been a long while since I felt that way."
"Nothing about me? sorry, is that self centered to ask?" he added awkwardly. It felt a little kittish, but despite his newfound resolve, it was hard to get rid of that old lingering fear that he was undeserving of a place here, that every wrong step wasn’t a risk of disappointing his ancestors or clan. It was a fear so thoroughly drilled into him...he still wished for more clear confirmation, one way or another, so he didn't have to worry.
“I wouldn't consider you self centered for wondering" Briarface chuckled. "Believe me, every cat in the clan asks at least once, some multiple times. But the air around you feel different since you returned.” Briarface looked up at him with knowing sympathy. "I know what still worries you, it has worried you for so long after all...but I think you are in the best place you could have ended up. There were a lot of dangerous futures waiting for you. It was overwhelming. I certainly understand why so many apprentices quit this kind of training…of course, I didn’t really know the future for certain, especially back then, just a whole lot of tangled together hints of potential dangers and ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’. But one thing I did feel very strongly was that if you had gone on the path your father most wanted for you...I think you would be buried with him right now."
Talltail felt a chill run up his spine at the idea. He sat there with that thought in the air for a long time. Buried with him... “Is that why you looked so terrified when I told you I was going to try to retrain as a tunneler?”
“Yes, but I was so inexperienced, I was afraid to give you false visions and inadvertently make things worse. I didn't trust myself much then, after Brackenwing...”
“Well we ought to both work on trusting ourselves more. You did what you could and I did end up where I needed to be.” He may not have made peace with his anger if he hadn’t found Sparrow, and meeting Jake again was worth every day of homesickness. “I think you're going to be an amazing medicine cat.”
Jake waited by the edge of the clearing for them. Talltail felt a bit bad making him come, he knew he felt out of place, but Jake’s presence comforted him. As they walked home, Jake asked, "It looks like a big place...how many cats do you think we're scattered out there?"
"More than I could count. every generation before us.” Talltail said.
"Wow…" Jake shook out his slightly ruffled fur. "Sorry I didn't go all the way with you, I just thought...I didn't want to--er…"
"It’s alright. thank you for waiting." Talltail pressed his muzzle to Jake’s cheek and Jake pressed against him in return. Jake wasn't used to that sort of thing, and Talltail certainly didn't begrudge him for feeling a bit strange about it. Death had been a stranger to him until fairly recently. Talltail had been nervous about the area himself despite being born here. It was a hard life to accept being a part of...Briarface’s worries from earlier came back to him, but Talltail quickly shook them away. Things would ease over time.
Jake wound his tail around Talltail’s. “It’s a beautiful place to rest though. The whole place is, really. I can see why you wanted to come home.”
“It will feel like home to you too,” Talltail assured him. Jake gave a quiet purr, but Talltail couldn’t help focus on the melancholic gaze Jake gave to the horizon where the Thunderpath and the barn lay.
***
There were many typical warrior duties that Jake performed awkwardly, but if there was one place he fit in seamlessly, it was in camp. An area he found he was surprisingly good with was the matter of keeping the kits entertained, and StarClan knew they could use all the distractions they could get with their seemingly boundless energy. As soon as they returned, Meadowbreeze’s three kits came barreling out to meet them. They were gaining on the size of adults now, and could easily knock a full grown warrior over if they were excited enough.
“I smell Jake! Is he home?” Pigeonkit squealed.
“I see the trouble bunch is wide awake again.” Jake purred.
Jake was a favorite of Pigeonkit, Sorrelkit, and Hopkit. He was also probably the softest cat in camp, rivaling even Woollycloud’s plushness, which made him fun to pounce on, according to Sorrelkit who was currently latched to his plumy orange tail. How much the kits liked him helped even the most wary cats in the clan have trouble showing him too much disdain. Talltail couldn’t help notice the subtle undercurrent of wistful sadness that Jake had about him disappeared quickest around those kits. They kept him distracted as much as he kept them distracted.
At sundown, Talltail lay close to Jake’s side, while the three kits lay sprawled on top of him. They’d asked for a tale, and every cat knew that long stories were the best way to keep them still. Talltail was happy to realize that despite his long distance, he easily remembered every story he heard growing up, like they were sewn into his bones. The similar words and lessons that had been passed from cat to cat and then to him for generations. The Wind Runner and her legacy certainly had a lot of tales to choose from.
“Neither of her twins was better than the other, though they had different skills and different things that suited them. That’s what made them strong together.” Talltail said.
The kits as expected certainly had a lot of questions. Hopkit, the dark tom kit born with a slightly crooked front paw lost his balance standing up too quickly, and tumbled sideways into Talltail. He tucked his little paw self consciously under his chest. “Would Stone Claws be sad if we don’t tunnel anymore?” he asked.
“I don’t think so.” Talltail replied. “Stone Claws wasn’t just a tunneler. He taught us to be creative, solve problems with what's available to us. He was nothing if not adaptable and willing to reshape his surroundings and methods. That is how his legacy will always go on, by keeping us clever and thinking of new ways to do things when the traditional one doesn’t work.” He helped Hopkit to his paws when his siblings got distracted and took off across the clearing. “No matter what a cat's skills or calling is, you will always have a place here. Helping each other is what we do. Don’t be afraid to ask.” Talltail winked at the little kit.
Hopkit headbutted him lightly with a purr and scampered after his siblings.
Jake was watching Talltail with his chin on his foreleg and a gleam in his eyes. “See,” he purred, “you’re good at this too.”
Talltail gave his chest fur a couple of bashful licks, and Jake got up to track down the kits before they started snooping through someone’s den. Talltail allowed himself to lay there, content, just letting the sparse warmth of the leaf-fall sun soak into his pelt. He laughed to himself, watching through half closed eyes as the kits changed tactics and began trying to wrestle Jake to the ground.
“Have you altered that tale?” Hawkheart’s sudden appearance nearly frightened him out of his skin.
“I don’t think I've altered it.” Talltail replied, shaking out his fur to smooth it. “That’s how I see it. Stone Claws was more than just his tunnels. I think it’s important for them to know that. It’s better than telling them horror stories. Fallowspring has enough of those herself.”
Hawkheart sniffed “Yes, the one she likes so much certainly was an exaggerated telling of Harehead. She’s fond of thrills more than lessons.” Hawkheart gave him a long hard look and Talltail struggled not to drop his gaze out of habit. “I didn’t come just to chat with you of course. Heatherstar wishes to speak with you.”
Hawkheart’s eyes flicked over to where Jake was for a moment, and Talltail was instantly worried Jake had somehow done something wrong as he followed Hawkheart. Heatherstar caught his eye, sitting outside her den on the other side of camp. She gestured for him to come join her.
“I wanted to talk to you about your place in the clan,” she said. “I see how dedicated you have been the past moon. I know no cat wants you to leave again.”
“I hope you’re certain about that…” Talltail ducked his head awkwardly. “I have heard some cats whisper.”
Heatherstar nodded. “You were rather bold with your return. Every day I wonder if I made the right choice following your suggestion with ShadowClan...and how long it will last.”
Talltail stifled a sigh. “There must be some way to pursue peace amongst the clans that won’t be seen as weak. It’s a very far off dream, and not one with a practical path to achieve.” He said quickly when he saw her doubtful look. “It’s just something I’d like to believe.”
“It’s risky to pursue.” Heatherstar said.
She was right of course. He feared it was a foolish hope. As he thought of Darkpaw, and the burning hatred in the young cat's eyes still fresh in his mind, even more so when at the next gathering, the little bastard had somehow gotten his warrior name of ‘Brokentail’ after all. Despite indirectly causing a fight that hurt his deputy so badly, Stonetooth had been forced to choose early retirement. Still, Brokentail somehow weaseled his way out of blame. With cats like that around, Talltail’s dream was hopelessly out of reach. But he would strive for it anyway. They could not let grief and vengeance lead them into the future, at least not a future worth striving for.
“We must take risks no matter what. Perhaps I would rather take risks in pursuit of peace than risks by way of bloodshed.” Talltail said at last.
“I cannot fault your heart Talltail, naive as I may find it. And what sort of leader would I be if I cast out a warrior who cares as much for this clan as I know you do? There is a need for battle, but a need for warriors like you as well sometimes. I think you will grow into a wise cat someday. I don't want pride to guide my decisions into fights. Not every cat is happy with some of the risks I’ve taken. For example, I am choosing to risk placing my trust in you again, and I trust you not to let me down”
Talltail met her gaze. “Thank you Heatherstar, I will continue to do everything I can.”
“However…” She continued, and Talltail’s heart sank. “I am concerned about your companion, and his status here.”
“But--Jake has volunteered for everything he can,” he said quickly. “He already cares for many of the cats here--”
Heatherstar raised a paw for silence. “I do not doubt Jake’s heart is good. He exhausts himself and clearly always does his best. But he struggles in our hunts, and with the cold approaching...A former kittypet has surely never fasted a leaf-bare before. And more importantly, although he has the potential to become a competent fighter, he clearly has a strong disdain for it.”
“Jake is tougher than you think,” Talltail insisted.
“I believe he will try,” Heatherstar said sympathetically. “I believe he will try because he knows how badly you want him to stay. But to be in a clan requires many things of a cat. It means living without a paw in a world left behind, and embracing the clan. Being a warrior requires much sacrifice for the way we live, you know that well by now. And loving one cat in a clan can not be someone’s sole reason to choose this path. If Jake continues to dedicate himself to WindClan, then I will accept you both, and I will award him a warrior's name. All cats have something to offer a clan if they are loyal and true, regardless of skill set. But... I want you to be sure he does it for the right reason. And know that if he does go back to his twoleg home, he cannot return here. These past moons have shown us that it’s too dangerous for the clans to have visiting outsiders--both for us and for them. A definitive decision must be made soon.”
Talltail bit his tongue. It just didn’t seem fair that one misunderstanding should lead to such drastic measures...That put so much more pressure on the decision. But he was in no position to bargain. Talltail promised Heatherstar they would both be sure. He’d make sure Jake was cared for here, and everything would be fine.
As he turned to leave, he quickly found Briarface brushing along his side again.
“I suppose you heard some of that?” Talltail murmured. He was anxious again. Heatherstar’s words troubled him so because they fed into something that had already been nagging at him.
Briarface headbutted his cheek gently. “I heard enough. I know you worry for Jake.”
“Of course I worry,” Talltail sighed, “But...I have faith in his strength. Even if he is not fast, he is strong and sturdy. He could be an incredible warrior.”
“I think so too,” Briarface nodded. “But something weighs on him.”
“You have your own weight to worry about Briarface, we will find a way to make peace with ours.”
“Yes, many things do weigh on me...” Briarface murmured. “Grief of course, and now worry for my brother, worry for my father, and every cat who will depend on me this coming season. But it’s almost...a good kind of weight in a way. If something hurts, it’s because I love the ones I have lost or stand to lose so dearly. That love is worth it. It will keep me going, no matter what.” He gazed into Talltail’s eyes “You know it made me think... I let you go all those moons ago because I felt strongly that you needed to leave home to find out where you truly belonged. Partings and change will always be sad. But they are a part of our lives, and someday we must face them.”