Carolyn Hax chat: My mother-in-law is ‘dying on a hill of ridiculousness’

Dear Carolyn,

I've been dating "Mike" for about two months. We were at a coffee shop the other day and the barista called out a male name. A young woman picked up the drink. Mike followed her toward the door (about 10 feet), tapped her on the shoulder, and said something like "The barista called out [male name], is that you?" The young woman got very upset and made a huge stink, implied that Mike was being racist (she was a person of color) and accusing her of stealing the drink. Mike was very upset by this and has brought it up several times in indignation, wanting me to validate that he did nothing wrong.

(I will note that I have no actual idea whether the drink was hers. But if I had been by myself, I would probably have guessed it was for her boyfriend or something.)

I am not sure what to say to Mike, each time it comes up. So far I have just reassured him that I knew his heart was in the right place. But the more discussions we have about it, the more I wonder if there is something else I am supposed to say, or feel, about it. One thing the young woman said that has really stuck with me is that it's not his job to police other people's behavior, an idea I definitely agree with. But we also haven't been together quite long enough for me to draw any major conclusions or to try to counsel him to confront his own [whatever, racism or paternalism or whatever was behind his actions that day].

Hi Carolyn, I got engaged about three months ago. My fiancé and I are mostly paying for our September wedding ourselves, with a contribution from my parents. And so, because the wedding-industrial complex is nuts and overpriced, we are compromising on certain things (fancy food, Saturday wedding) to prioritize other things that matter to us (decent drinks, being able to invite more of our friends).

Meanwhile, my older brother was already engaged to "Amy" and their wedding is in June. Amy is an only child with very wealthy, well-connected parents, and they are having a very fancy, pricey wedding that is already being very hotly anticipated by my own family.

Yes, I realize that the wedding is not the marriage. I am not jealous, per se, that my brother gets to have a fancy wedding and I don't—I consider myself a more highly evolved person than that. But I DO have feelings of frustration about spending what is, for my fiancé and me, a not-small amount of money on something that is going to be so much lesser, three months after my brother's wedding. Amy and I are bridesmaids in each other's weddings and I feel self-conscious every time we discuss plans—by every measure, her setup is going to be fancier and more beautiful than mine. And even though, no that doesn't matter, my head keeps saying my fiancé and I should just elope for cheap rather than spending money to do something so much less nice. I'm not proud of this feeling! I also don't know whether I should be talking myself into or out of it. What do you think?

Hey Carolyn - coming to you with what I’m sure is your billionth MIL question. My MIL became a grandmother 18 years ago, and at the time chose the nickname Grandmama. She has over time shortened this to G-Mama and Mama, which my older niece and nephew call her) and she encourages her other grandchildren to do the same. This has always given me a yuck feeling.

When my husband and I started having children (my oldest is now 2.5), he told her Grandmama was off the table (because I am my children’s mama) and just started calling her Grandma. She has at every birthday and holiday signed gifts and cards from Grandmama, G-Mama, and once Mama, and at each one my husband has approached her kindly to remind her of our boundary. This past Christmas, once again, a pile of gifts showed up from G-Mama, and it definitely annoyed my, at the time, 35 weeks pregnant self. My husband called to confront again, and instead of feigning ignorance flipped out, told him Grandmama was a sign of respect for her, that she was “triggered” (her words) by being called Grandma and that she had told me that (she had not), and to just call her back when we’ve decided what to call her.

Around that time his dad started asking when they could book flights to come meet our son, and my husband said until things are smoothed over with his mom, they should hold off. But here we are, 8-9 weeks later and my husband has had multiple conversations and nothing is resolved. She’s still insistent that Mama is who she is, has offered no apology for the boundary violation or accepted any responsibility in this situation, and has even asked if we’ll reconsider calling her mama when my kids outgrow calling me mama. We are just at a standstill, and I feel most bad for my husband who would love for his parents to come meet our son (but is standing firm that we need reconciliation) and I feel bad for his dad who is stuck in the middle. And honestly I feel bad for her that she’s dying on the hill or a nickname over meeting what is in all likelihood her last grandchild while he’s still wee.

But what do I do? This whole situation has made things so uncomfortable in what is already an extremely strained relationship (she has boundary violated in other ways over the last 8 years). I don’t think I can sit in the same room with her, but my son is 2 weeks old and not getting younger, and I would hate for them to miss seeing him sometime soon in what is this fleeting moment. Help.

So, my marriage is over. I asked my husband to please get tested and he again refused saying there's no point. He won't explain why he says that or look into donor sperm or adoption. There's a lot of ways for me to fill my life with children but they're not going to happen with him as my husband so I'm leaving. I'm going to move to my mom's place this weekend because he's screaming at me all the time asking why he's not enough for me. Wish me luck, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm heart-broken ten different ways

Ask him why he's so certain he did the right thing.

My partner of 25 years told me they are asexual, probably will never have sex again, and recommended I broaden my horizons and take care of my needs elsewhere. What do I even do with this information? We don’t want to divorce and I don’t want to be intimate with anybody else; even if I did, I wouldn’t have the first clue where to start. Complicating things, we have children in the home for at least another decade.

Hello Carolyn,

I am in my late 20s and seeing all my friends in long term relationships and wondering when will it be my turn? I didn't pick the best guys in the past and am taking some time off the dating scene (apps are exhausting!). It just feels awful to see my past mistakes vs. my loved in friends. I know I shouldn't compare but it's so hard to feel left behind, and I can feel all the societal pressure/family asking why I am not married on my shoulders.

Why would someone assume that the woman took someone else's coffee? Coffee shops are notorious for getting people's names wrong, and also names are "gender-fluid" and people of both sexes often use or have used the same name over time. (Thinking of Princess Michael of Kent or the actress Michael Learned)

You are so much more than someone's partner or spouse. I was exactly in your shoes (basically the only single pringle from the age of 23 onwards in my college, grad school, and hometown friend groups; numerous failed & short-term relationships), and it absolutely does suck sometimes. It takes a lot to be comfortable with yourself, so please continue to work on YOU- your hobbies, your interests, your dreams. Travel where you want, do what you want, and never feel like you're less than.

If it helps give some light at the end of the tunnel, I finally met my person at the age of 37. We both had relationship issues in the past, and I can honestly say that had I met him earlier, before I learned all of those important things about myself and what I wanted, we wouldn't be together. But we're both older, wiser, and are ready for the rest of our lives together because of all those hard times that came before, and the independence we learned to have as our own individual selves. :-)

Thank you for the Our Path recommendation! Hilariously, we are both members of the LGBTQ+ community, so I did not even consider seeking out straight people resources. I wonder how comfortable people will feel with me in such support groups? I will definitely have to start in listen mode.

I have to say, if this is the mishegoss Mike makes you deal with after only two months, this relationship sounds like it's going to be exhausting.

Perhaps what's bothering you is this guy's assumption of authority in this situation and that a woman of color needed to cede to that authority. Or at least that would be my response to your boyfriend because I'm astonished at how men think I need to defer to them when I absolutely don't.

The other day, I invited three women to my home for dinner. Two of them I'm just getting to know, so I was happy to put myself out there and cultivate potential friendships. The other woman, who I've known for years (and the person through whom I met the other ladies), took out her phone several times during the evening—including at the dinner table. I was going to make a comment about this being a no-phone zone, but didn't want to hurt the vibe. I'd like to tell her how off-putting it is when she brings her phone to the table. She is a bit sensitive, but I could tell her behavior was annoying the two other women. Any advice on a script? I feel like when I've opened up in the past with friends regarding things that are bothering me, it backfires.

My mom has mild to moderate dementia. It's excruciating. The incredibly smart, compassionate, smart ass woman I have loved my whole life is slipping away. She's 600 miles away and I travel to see her roughly every month or so. I'm monitoring her aides (24 care is necessary) in her home, doing bills, medical appointments, house maintenance, mail, etc. I have one sibling but they are not very involved ("too busy"), and other family members are critical of my efforts, but refuse to help or have issues with drugs and alcohol. I am getting very angry with them and the lack of support. I'm trying to move her to a facility so that she gets better care, but she's combative, argumentative and terrified. She wants to stay in her home. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I work full-time at a demanding job, I have three beautiful kids and a husband. I've been doing this for almost two years. I'm so sad and exhausted. No question, just would love to know how people get through this. My dad died 7 years ago, so it really is me. I feel like my family is gone. I'm in counseling, but it is still so hard.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I think like many adults who receive a later diagnosis, it was like a lightbulb going on for him. Seeing a doctor and taking Adderall has been a huge benefit for him in his quality of life. He teaches music for a living and has no corporate benefits, so we use my health insurance plan. My company has gone through some major changes, and as of January our insurance plan changed and is not as good. As a result, his doctor, that he's been seeing for years, is no longer in network. The Adderall is also not covered by our plan. Our out of pocket costs to manage his condition have quintupled. When you account for the fact that the medication is a controlled substance and currently in shortage, so more difficult to obtain than many other meds--he is overwhelmed. We are not poverty-stricken, but we are also not flush with cash...to absorb this cost we would have to adjust our monthly budget--something we would need to sit down and talk through. My husband is already not great with planning (partly due to the ADHD) and he doesn't seem to want to talk about trying to address this. I have asked a couple of times. But he knows these charges are coming. There are some basic things I think he could do, but he hasn't really done them yet. This health care plan has affected my medication coverage as well, so I appreciate his frustration, and I want him to get the treatment he needs, but should I just not say anything else about it, and if he cannot afford his next appointment or medication, he will deal with the results? That feels cruel, but I feel like he needs to take more responsibility for this.

I grew up as the sister in Wednesday's column, "How to stop ‘loving’ grandson from belittling his sister?" I suffered for years at the hands (literally) and voice of my brother. We are fine now, but it was rough going. He was a mess and took it out on me. My mother, divorced, was at a loss as to how to help me. She wanted me to be able to stand up for myself and not "tattle." Your column gave advice for helping the grandson, but can you give advice for helping the granddaughter?

My heart goes out to you. You were betrayed in a profound way, and I am very proud of you for ending what you thought was a marriage. I just want to say two things. His behavior is in the scary/controlling range. If you have a way to not stay in the house with him before you move, please take that option. He sounds like he thinks he owns you, and those are the most dangerous spouses to leave. The other thing that strikes me is that he probably had a vasectomy, maybe even before you married, and that is why a) there's "no point" in him testing, and b) why you could never get pregnant, despite all your trying. Take care.

Princess Michael of Kent's name is Marie-Christine. She's called Princess Michael because her husband is Prince Michael. Just as Diana should have been properly called Princess Charles, but the press fixed that.

Our daughter’s marriage is ending after 3 years and she’s in a new relationship with a former coworker; they have recently moved in together, (following her decision with our son in law in October to separate.)
How can we somehow merge into this new role as parents of the new relationship? Her new partner is very nice and wants to get to know us.
Any suggestions?

Diana, at her marriage, became Diana, Princess of Wales. Because she married a man with a title. Princess Michael of Kent married a man without his own title, just a courtesy title from his ancestor who was Duke of Kent.

are there good free online resources for bystander training? Everything I find when I google seems to be aimed at getting corporate to buy a training program, but I really just want to watch a webinar or read a checklist.

Just a small point, Carolyn: Asexual people (who can exist on a broad spectrum of sexual desire) *are* a part of the LGBT+ community. (There’s a lot of ace erasure, phobia, and misunderstanding even within the community itself, so I feel it’s important to know this and gently correct it when applicable!)

Thank you for this added wisdom! Felt like a (helpful!) smack to the forehead for what I, a long married person who did get paired up at 21 and am 100% with my person, but also feeling at sea, adrift, less than (not because of my person, but judging myself rather harshly). My family is good, my person is good, my kids are good, my work is eh but fine. It's clear I've let the continued work on me fall way, way, way down on the priority list and that's what I need to give attention to so I can stop feeling quite so adrift. Not quite sure how to work that tunnel metaphor in here...

Yet another possibility: Names perceived as traditionally "male" are also in many cases common surnames/family names, and plenty of people give the easier name to baristas. If my name is Thumbelina Kenney, maybe it's easier for me to have the latter called out. Mike needs to stand there in his wrongness and be wrong.

Just start calling her Gigi. She'll like it because it's cute, you'll like it because it doesn't have Mama.

Maybe not knowing basics about the royals (like how titles are derived) means you shouldn’t have written that. You so often hit the mark but that flew way off target.

I frequently give my name as Batman since my legal name is hard to spell. If someone demands I prove my identity it'll mean outing the caped crusader. Stop trying to be a hero, Mike