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Good morning, children! I see you've already taken your seats. Let me introduce myself for the new kid who joined us today, Jodie. My name is Mr. Garrison and I'm the best teacher in the whole world. I'm also YOUR teacher, so I guess you should feel extremely lucky this morning. So let me tell you some stuff about myself, so that we know each other better, and break the ice between us, before we get to the actual school day.

Butters, please pay attention.

So I'm going to write the title of each paragraph of my biography on the blackboard, like I am reading an Uncyclopedia article about myself to you. You all know what Uncyclopedia is, right? Butters, you know what Uncyclopedia is? Good. So let's just begin with my early days as a charming kid in Nebraska or something.

When I grew up in Nebraska or something, which is a lovely state in south America or something, I was growing up with my father and mother who both had a heavy southern accent. (Full article...)

• ... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

• ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
• ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
• ... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
• ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
• ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
• ... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
• ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?