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Good morning, children! I see you've already taken your seats. Let me introduce myself for the new kid who joined us today, Jodie. My name is Mr. Garrison and I'm the best teacher in the whole world. I'm also YOUR teacher, so I guess you should feel extremely lucky this morning. So let me tell you some stuff about myself, so that we know each other better, and break the ice between us, before we get to the actual school day.

Butters, please pay attention.

So I'm going to write the title of each paragraph of my biography on the blackboard, like I am reading an Uncyclopedia article about myself to you. You all know what Uncyclopedia is, right? Butters, you know what Uncyclopedia is? Good. So let's just begin with my early days as a charming kid in Nebraska or something.

When I grew up in Nebraska or something, which is a lovely state in south America or something, I was growing up with my father and mother who both had a heavy southern accent. (Full article...)

• ... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

• ... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
• ... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
• ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
• ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
• ... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?
• ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
• ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?