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Good morning, children! I see you've already taken your seats. Let me introduce myself for the new kid who joined us today, Jodie. My name is Mr. Garrison and I'm the best teacher in the whole world. I'm also YOUR teacher, so I guess you should feel extremely lucky this morning. So let me tell you some stuff about myself, so that we know each other better, and break the ice between us, before we get to the actual school day.

Butters, please pay attention.

So I'm going to write the title of each paragraph of my biography on the blackboard, like I am reading an Uncyclopedia article about myself to you. You all know what Uncyclopedia is, right? Butters, you know what Uncyclopedia is? Good. So let's just begin with my early days as a charming kid in Nebraska or something.

When I grew up in Nebraska or something, which is a lovely state in south America or something, I was growing up with my father and mother who both had a heavy southern accent. (Full article...)

• ... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?

• ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
• ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
• ... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
• ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
• ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
• ... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
• ... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?