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Good morning, children! I see you've already taken your seats. Let me introduce myself for the new kid who joined us today, Jodie. My name is Mr. Garrison and I'm the best teacher in the whole world. I'm also YOUR teacher, so I guess you should feel extremely lucky this morning. So let me tell you some stuff about myself, so that we know each other better, and break the ice between us, before we get to the actual school day.

Butters, please pay attention.

So I'm going to write the title of each paragraph of my biography on the blackboard, like I am reading an Uncyclopedia article about myself to you. You all know what Uncyclopedia is, right? Butters, you know what Uncyclopedia is? Good. So let's just begin with my early days as a charming kid in Nebraska or something.

When I grew up in Nebraska or something, which is a lovely state in south America or something, I was growing up with my father and mother who both had a heavy southern accent. (Full article...)

• ... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

• ... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
• ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
• ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
• ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
• ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
• ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
• ... that in 1933, the Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?