Remember when we told you last week about the guy in Seattle who sprayed his drunk neighbor with a hose? We reached out to him and got his version of what went down that day, but now the tables have turned. The hose-weilder, Kevin Cease, has now uploaded an amazing new video where he gives his neighbor free reign to discuss the incident...and a whole lot more.

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The video begins with our two protagonists sitting side-by-side. “Hi, I’m the guy who got sprayed,” the neighbor says. “Hi, I’m the guy who sprayed him,” Kevin says. The following 13 minutes is a beautifully random soliloquy to the American people, courtesy of the infamous drunk neighbor. This is a rundown of the 31 different, random topics he hits on, in the exact order he says them.

1. First, he’s perplexed by his recent attention

“What the f-ck is the big deal that’s going on on the internet about this? Were you waiting for me to knock him out? I just don’t get it, what’s the big deal?”

2. He spills what really happened that fateful day

“I was not only drinking...I was taking prescription medication. And rather then read the f---ing warning labels, I had about three beers on that. I come home, I get undressed. I should’ve stayed there. But it’s nice out, it’s warm. I put pajama pants on. When I walk out the side of my house, it’s right in Kevin’s yard.”

3. He admits Kevin’s a good neighbor

“This is my fault. I really don’t know Kevin that well. And I’ve lived here a long time. That’s my fault. He thought I was kind of stuck up or arrogant. No I’m not. He’s a cool guy. You gotta respect people’s property rights.”

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4. The video gets interrupted

“We got interrupted by a dog. It’s a good-looking dog.”

5. The '60s were a better time

“Look, I grew up in the '60s. I’m not into this internet s--t. Back then, if you had something to say to somebody, you said it to their face. I don’t stab people in the back. That was between me and Kevin. But guess what? Welcome to the 21st century.”

6. He has big dreams

“I always said I had a big city mind and a small town heart. But what I don’t like...look at all the s--t going on in the world."

7. He sings a song

“I grew up in the Vietnam era. There’s a song called ‘Country Joe and the Fish.’ Now that’s funny s--t.”

8. Back to the hose incident

“We’re two neighbors. People got pissed because he sprayed me with a hose. Did he push me, did he lay a hand on me, did he touch me? I’m on his property, he hosed me. Big f---ing deal.”

9. He pleads to the ladies

“By the way, any hot girls on here, I am single.”

10. He’s a selfless giver

“This happened like a week ago, I just now saw the video. I had a laptop, I gave it to somebody less fortunate that needed it. Because that’s my personality, I give things away. Hear that, f---ing billionaires?”

11. He apologizes on behalf of his generation

“See, I came from the generation where we got all the opportunities in life. You kids out there are getting f---ed. And for me and for all the other baby boomers, I want to apologize. Because it’s not right.”

12. His son got the short end of the stick

“My kid finally got a job for 23 bucks an hour. He’s like he’s a millionaire. I made that when I was 23 years old, it’s not a lot of money.”

13. He says alcohol is the worst

“F--k meth, f--k heroin, f--k weed. We’re from Washington state and we legalized pot. And I would much rather see that than alcohol. Alcohol is a sick, terrible drug.”

14. He starts an analogy about ‘Johnny’

This is what I love about parents. ‘Have you been in Johnny’s room lately?’ ‘No, why?’ ‘Well there’s foil.’ ‘Oh honey, he’s just making Christmas ornaments.’ No he’s not!”

15. He admits to a hard-partying past

“I’m an ex-construction worker, so we used to go out and party and everything. Next day, everybody got along. But every bad thing that’s happened in my life — and I swear to God, this is true — has been alcohol-related.”

16. He finishes the Johnny analogy

“So next time you go in Johnny’s room and you see the foil everywhere, and you’ve got your martini in your hand, stop and think about it. You take a drink and you look at all the foil and think, ‘God, did I start this s--t?’ Yeah, you did.”

17. Back to the hose incident

"Kevin is a cool guy. He’s the guy that sprayed me. And I think everybody expected me to get pissed.”

18. Back to the laptop

“Like I said, my laptop, I gave it away. I’m a giver, I’m not a taker. That’s the America I grew up in.”

19. The middle class is the best class

“I made 23 dollars an hour when I was 20 years old. You know what? Houses were 40 grand. Cars were six thousand. That’s what created the middle class. I’m not trying to give you a f---ing history lesson. But we have these thousands of billionaires. There were no such thing as billionaires when I grew up! We had one: Howard Hughes.”

20. He has legit back pain

“Let me take a pain pill. That’s my sense of humor. What you don’t know is I have a really bad back and I can take pain pills when I want. And that’s legal. That’s an opiate. What I’m sick of is this f---ing pain pill nation. These meth shows."

21. His parents weren’t too cool

“My parents, believe it or not, they were kind of square. They really didn’t do anything.”

22. They get interrupted again

“‘Hey buddy, how’s it going!’ There’s a guy out there jacking off on a jet ski. ‘Did you come yet!?’”

23. He plugs 'Ellen,' 'Dr. Phil' & Rodney King, kinda

“Anyway, I don’t wanna bore people. You've got better things to do, like go watch “Ellen” or “Dr. Phil.” But seriously, remember that Rodney King saying? ‘Can’t we all just get along?’ And look at what a f--k-up he was. And it’s like, if we just get back to taking care of each other and not be so judgmental, like Kevin.”

24. Back to the hose incident

“Everyone’s expecting me to be pissed at him. No! I was f--ked up, I came outside, I had no business doing it. I walked on his property, he doesn’t know me that well. I guess I used to drive on his lawn and he was pissed about it. He says something to me and I just kind of ignored him. How dare me? That’s his property.”

25. He confronts the haters

“And for the a--hole who said ‘what a piece of shit house,’ you got a 1,200 square foot cabin on a lake? This is not a piece of s--t. Look out on the water, it’s gorgeous.”

26. He dodges the age question

“Kevin’s 32. You want me to tell you my age? OK, I’ll be 102 next month, I know its hard to believe. That’s all you’re gonna get out of me.”

27. Kevin (unsuccessfully) attempts to end the video

“Kevin just informed me I’ve been on here for 12 f--king minutes. It seemed like 12 seconds. I know you got better things to do like go get drunk and do drugs, so let’s wrap this up.”

28. Back to the hose incident

“And for all you kids out there, the main reason I wanted to do this is I didn’t see this until today. Then I get all these phone calls. First I was pissed for 10 minutes, then I was embarrassed for 15 minutes, and then I started laughing my a-- off. That’s my personality.”

29. His ex-wife didn’t understand him

“I had an ex-wife. You know what she used to say to me? ‘You don’t take life serious enough.’ No, I don’t! Life’s a joke, it’s fun. And that’s the way it should be."

30. He quotes "Shawshank Redemption"

“The last thing I want to say before I take a pain pill is...I didn’t invent this saying, but I’ll leave you with this: Get busy living or get busy dying. That’s the best quote I’ve ever heard in my life. Let’s get busy living.”

31. Finally, the end

At long last, an exhausted-looking Kevin announces, “And that’s our video!”

Now stand up and give this American hero a round of applause.