APRIL FOOLS 2022

Hello there! My name is Shane, and today it’s finally here! I’ve used the power of The Law of Attraction to manifest the anomalous NES Godzilla cart at my doorstep. It took a couple years, but now I’ve got it. Just have to blow on it per tradition, and then we’re ready to start!

Wait, what? “Aliengs”? “Teh Urf?” What the hell is going on?

The board looks….normal, I guess? Ugly colors on these levels tiles. There’s 4 different types-

MOUNTAINS IN NEED OF MOISTURIZER

THE DESERTED VACANT DESERT OF EMPTINESS

OFF GREEN CAVES OF SADNESS

SKELD

I guess we’ll start with the desert.

WHAT? Will Smith?!? And he just joined my playable characters?! How is Will Smith in the game? I thought this was supposed to be scary!

Aside from that, there’s not much going on in these desert levels. You just walk forward and kill stuff. There’s no points meter, because that’s pointless. There’s 2 kinds of alien enemies, jumping little spider things with a weak projectile, and lanky humanoid aliens with a gun. Their gun has a laser that does a bit more damage, but I can plow through them easily with Godzilla. Let’s see what’s next.

The Mountains level is more of the same, but with a larger spider-looking enemy with an organic missile launcher of sorts on it’s back. The missiles pack a punch, but it takes time for it to reload. Easy enough to maneuver around.

Will Smith is particularly good for this level type. His special move is the Bum Rush, where he runs forward and hits something really hard. It’s great for smacking away all the rocks in this area.

I picked up a lot more playable characters along the way, and they all have their own intro screens with dumb little catchphrases. I didn’t really use most of them.

I don’t know what the NFG does, it immediately died after I took this screenshot (Sorry.)

Level 3 is this putrid green cave. Two enemy types, a big brawny purple one and a crab-ish living turret thing. They both move kinda slow and deal stronger attacks while taking more damage to kill. It makes things tricky when there’s two of them at once. Using the bee “Buzzinga” helps a bit because I can hover over them and spam my stinger attack. Is this a really cheesy way to play through a stage? Yep. Do I give a shit? NOPE.

Trying out….”Dum Bum” next. He’s like a green dinosaur man, and his special move is that his horn glows, and then it shoots out Dum Dums lollipops. Okay, sure whatever. There’s not much happening in these levels.

Time for the last level type, SKELD.

I don’t get it. It’s just 3 tiny astronaut things and they’re not attacking me. Do I have to guess which one is the impostor?

Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure this problem out!

Just kill them all and let Godzilla sort ’em out!

Oh *I* was the impostor? I guess that makes sense. I didn’t exactly fit in. Time for the boss fight.

Forklift accident? What?

How dare you insult me! Get him, Will Smith! Hit him with the Bum Rush!

Damn it, no! We just lost Will Smith! I’ll use Nonagon next….It’s some kind of banana monster that spits bananas? Oh God this isn’t going well.

Way to go, you useless banana spewing asshole! I seem horribly unprepared for this fight, but I still have a huge advantage in numbers, maybe I can whittle down this demon by throwing them all at him!

Shit! This is going really badly! Where did he even get a kaiju-sized can of insecticide from?!

NOO! He saved Fjcwyz as a JPEG! His sprite is all crusty and fucked up now! You didn’t have to do him like that! Come on Dum Bum, we need to get some hits in!

Oh you gotta be KIDDING ME

Don’t you dare quote DMX at me! You don’t know anything about living in the hood!

What?! Don’t you run away from me! Get back here! Face your death with dignity!

Oh thank god, a Deus Ex Machina Golem thingy just appeared on the board! He’ll help us even to odds!

WHAT? You goddamn traitorous metal fuck! You can’t side with him! That’s against the rules! I don’t know what the rules are exactly, but that’s definitely against them!

Alright so I’m fighting the metal golem with Emperor Palpatine. His special move is lightning, and he has unlimited power which is nice, and-

WHAT THE FUCK?!! Palpatine you dumb shit, stop shooting the lightning! He’s reflecting it back at you! I can’t make him stop!

And now he’s dead too! I only have two monsters left! Come on Rodan!

Yeah, that went about as well as I expected!

Alright, one last monster. I’ll start on Burnt Sienna first since he’s lower on health. Come on Godzilla! You’re the main character! You’re King of the Monsters! If you don’t win, then this story sucks!

You bastard! You can’t just eat the rocket fist!

AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

And after that it was all over…The cart didn’t explode, or even send me back to the default game…no, it did something much worse…..