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As everyone knows, a very expensive college degree that will take decades of back-breaking work to pay off is essential if you want to be prepared for life's struggles-- including World War III!

Take a gander at these eight college courses that will better prepare you for life in the trenches:

1) Siberian Gender Studies: Know your enemy! They will not do you the courtesy of announcing their pronouns!

2) Intro to Shakespeare: If you're gonna die anyway, you may as well learn something beautiful first.

3) Atheism 101: They say there are no atheists in foxholes. Pshaw! Let's fix that.

4) Call of Duty In Your Dorm Room: Not technically a class, but you'll learn more here than anywhere else--especially how to properly pay respects to your fallen comrades.

5) Bunker Construction: An excellent minor for the aspiring architect.

6) Model UN: Learn to construct strongly worded notes that evil regimes will laugh at and throw in the trash!

7) Dismantling Heteronormative Christian Patriarchy In Russia And Beyond: No point in defending Ukraine if we can't take the opportunity to Build Back Better™.

8) Nuclear Physics: So you can explain exactly what's happening when your face is melting.

Remember, even if you die, you can serve a great purpose by validating your professor's political opinions as you attack enemy forces with progressive zeal. We're all in this together!

NOT SATIRE: Skip college and fast-track your way to an awesome career + financial independence. Have a great work ethic but bored in school? Then do something else instead. This 12-month program will help you break out of the classroom and into an awesome career with a fast-growing business (while avoiding student debt).

Get our free email guide on how to get ahead without college + as a bonus book on success mindsets.