December 13, 2004
By
James "Crusader" Ward
U2: Elevation -
Check. Popcorn -
Check. Hell March -
Check.> Ladies and Gentlemen;
Let's get ready to ruuuuumble!!.
Only one phrase can possibly summarise this week's mailbag; "Shake it, Baby!" Between Tanya and Lara, we already know we have enough silicon here to plug the hole in the Titanic. So, let's see if we have enough testosterone to fuel a game of Unreal Tournament...
Among other things...
"Lara Croft vs. Tanya Adams: Who wins?"
From: Shaoron the Wolf
Subject: Lara Croft vs. Tanya Adams
my vote is on Tanya and heres why...
1) never did liked lara.
2) most of lara's games sucked.
3) lara is hard to control
4) this is planetcnc, right?
5) persoanally, the army is better than some crummy tomb.
FC: So what if this is PlanetCNC? What is this hypocrisy!? I'm forever being bitched at about Photoshop THIS! with constant and very annoying exclamations of "OMG stop wif all teh CnC stuf!!! do sumthin uva thn CnC 4 once!" I don't care if this is "PlanetCNC." Variety never killed anybody! Quit yer Bitchin!
P.S. Let this be a lesson to you: typing all that '1337' up there actually required effort. It took me nearly 5 minutes to get it right... So why the hell can't these damned n00bs spell properly if typing that crap takes so much effort!?
From: FAMAJAMMM
Subject: tanya vs. lara
lara, definatly, better acting and can do acrobatics, alll tanya did was laugh and stand there whilst she shot soviets, lara wouldve killed then in all sorts of interesting and erotic ways.
what happened to the other mailbag, btw??? took me 2 weeks to think of & formulate the perfect punishment!!!!!!! and look @ the news!!! they deserve it now more than ever!!!!!!!!
aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!SPLAT! (head explodes)
FC: "Interesting and erotic ways"? You are freakin'
weird. Get away from me.
Now.
From: Nic Bondar
Subject: mailbag Lara Croft vs. Tanya Adams
I have to give you a one thig right on the two kick ass women. They both like tank tops. Who doesn't like looking a woman who could kick you ass 3 ways from sunday and not like it. i know i do, but i also like the sayings Tanya had when u click on her and she had that attitude in her voice and hell they way the cut scenes on RA and RA2. Does Lara even talk in her games? I really don't know and not gonna comment on that. I tried playing a demo of Tomb Raider and didn't like the controls and stayed away from the game.
But the one thing i am going to comment onis the weapons the lovely vixens carry. Lara Croft carries 2 9mm (I looked it up from planetlara.com)and Tanya carries dual .45s. For stopping power .45 is the way to go over the 9mm, but if you need to thow rounds down range yeah the 9mm is better it holds more. .45s hold around 7 to I'd say around 10 with one in the chamber depending on who makes it, then you have the extended magazines that hold more. The 9mm holds about 12-15 depending again on who makes it.
Anyway my vote goes for Tanya Adams. The woman hande a bigger gun gets the check in my box.
That, and i think Kari Wuher is damn hotter than Angelina Jolie any day of the week, that and her boobs wern't digitaly enhanced for the cut scenes like Angelina Jolie were for the first Tomb Raider movie.
Thats my opinion I don't care what anybody else thinks, and everyone is entitled to thier opinion but it doesn't count.
Semper Fi
Nick "redmartian50" Bondar
FC: I don't know about everyone else here... but I sort of lost interest after the first paragraph. The good lord invented something called "Spell Check" for a reason. All I really got out of that email was repeated use of the words "Angelina Jolie", "Tomb Raider" and "Vixen." If that was the point you were trying to make... I agree. That is all.
From: Daniel Alves
Subject: Mailbag
Both of they are hot. Why do they need to fight? We three could just do something good... I think Tanya would win. But I still think my idea is better.
FC: Why do they need to fight? You actually asked the question
why do they need to fight? How about I make the fight involve a mud bath? Would you still be asking "Why are they fighting" then? You lack so much imagination it's not funny.
From: Stephen Grant
Subject: Mailbag
It must be Tanya, no? She can kill any guy from miles away with a single shot... Lara Croft was into Tomb Raiding and other crap. Tanya was out on the frontlines. I think we know the answer to that one.
...Oh. And anyone who writes something to the effect of "OMG Tanya is beautiful!" or the same for Lara Croft should be slapped, be banned from the computer for being attracted to a pixelated women and be slapped. Twice.
Jimmy
FC: You're trying to win points with me on that one, aren't you? People say I'm anti-social, well, it's not that I dislike you, so don't take this personally. I just hate
people in general. With this in mind... You aren't fooling anyone. Anybody who spends their time replying to PlanetCNC's mailbag is a perfect candidate for a Darwin Award.
From: Isaac Leese
Subject:
Tanya, definitely. Kari Wuhrer totally pwns Angelina Jolie. Shake it, baby!
Tanya > Lara. Remember, while both have dual .45's, Tanya has C4's! (and 36C's!) ;)
FC: Your taste in women is appalling. For the love of god, man. If your knowledge of women is limited to ex-porn stars turned video-game-celebrities, then I must take this chance to honor my Irish heritage and urge you to
look a little harder. And since when is a block of C4 an effective anti-personnel weapon? (Although the thought
is amusing...)
From: Dan Kantola
Subject: tanya vs lara
this is the first time or the second time i write to you, anyways tanya would be running towards the temple of nod to destroy it with c4 gunning down some nod guards with her colts.
then she would get inside the temple and start putting c4 everywhere when suddenly lara croft shows up and says stop no don't do it!!! This temple is a important historic treasure, tanya would go what!!!?? i have to destroy it, or nod will take over the world and that is bad.v lara would pull her dual usp guns and tanya would pull up her dual colts and they would do marix jumps and firing at eachother, tanya would be hit but her green life bar would just turn slightly yellow. then tanya runs out of the building and fires on a barrel and sets off c4 and blows everything up, and lara just no the reasures!!! lara gets fluffed in the blast and covered in gold and tiberium materials.
tanya drives away on a borrowed quad bike in the sunset as the nod temple is crashing down in flames. She mets havoc the commando and they ride out of the nod base while it blows up and it ends happy.
FC: Do I REALLY have to read all that? Leave it short'n'sweet, Pal. You might get a more interesting insult from me next time.
From: "Thomas Ho, the Very Evil Coffee Mug Fanatic"
Subject: Mailbag
Who wins? I win. Why? It's simple really, you see, because of Biar. With Biar, I can win anything and anyone. Biar gives me the awesome power of Biarish destruction, so when I dominate everything with Biar everyone will be forced to be Biar drones Biaring all day and every-biaring-where. Biar, just imagine it all, people marching down the Biar streets!!! Shouting in unison!! Biar Biar Biar!!! Biar Biar Biar!!! BIAR!!!! BIAR!!!! BIAR!!!!!br>
BIAR!!!!!!!!!!! FEAR THE BIAR MAN!!!!!! BIAR BIAR BIAR!!!!!!
FC: I'm not sure how many of you drugged-up lunatics I speak for here, but
who or
what the
hell is "Biar"? I've said this many times before;
stay off the weed. It does weird crap to your brain... Not that you had much of one to begin with.
From: Spencer Loper
Subject:
I honestly say that Tanya would win that match. I mean, yeah, they do have some similarities, but here's the thing, Laura cant kill anything right. I remember playing the Tomb Raider games, and it took a bit to kill something. That, and Tanya doesnt have to waste her time with lame puzzles. All Tanya has to do is take orders to shoot up commies and demolish buildings....nothing else....well maybe the occasional order to get away from that Tesla Coil charging up. Besides, I dont think that Laura Croft has an army at her back. Tanya does. All she has to do is say the right words, and Laura's day is gonna be ruined when an Allied tank battalion is chasing her down.
FC: Correct me if I'm wrong, but did not Lara Croft have contacts within the British SAS? And as we all know; the SAS owns you! But... yeah.
[Insert cynical and scathing remark here]
From: Michael J. Mihalik
Subject: Mailbag
LARA CROFT ALL DA WAY!
FC: Hey, wow, a change of flavour for once; someone who
doesn't see the need to make a nasty 'mess' over Tanya. I tip my hat to you sir, and then direct you to a
wonderful publication that shall serve you well for many years. I suggest you use it.
From: W3bdevil
Subject: YMailbag - Lara Croft Vs. Tanya
Hey FC
Unblock me from messenger, bint... its been more than 2 months already :p
Any, IRT MB:
Tanya wins because she can take more hits from an AK-47 rifle than Lara, yet can get close enough to enemy guys to take them out with her Colts. Oh, and she's got explosives too... aannddd unlimited ammo, shame Lara didn't :p
-W3bbo
FC: Blast. I thought I'd actually managed to get rid of you. Clearly the assassin failed... Hmmm... Time to move to more extreme measures. Back in to the elevator with Cypher with you!
And for today's challenge: name the three women in the
picture found in this Mailbag. Do so, an I'll let you pick next week's mailbag topic.
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