How to deal with the ‘energy vampires’ in your life

We’re willing to bet you’ve had a conversation or two with a friend or loved one that went round and round in circles, never accomplishing anything other than draining you emotionally.

And for some, that’s a regular occurrence.

The blanket term — and it’s definitely not clinical: energy vampire.

Richard Chandler is wary of the phrase. Chandler graduated with master's degrees in counseling with an Adlerian psychotherapy focus and is pursuing a mental health license under the supervision of licensed, state board-approved supervisors. He works at St. Cloud Counseling Therapy.

The clinical extremes of this phenomenon, he explains, could be caused by a personality disorder, like narcissistic personality or borderline personality.

But he warns you shouldn’t be quick to judge. Those labels can be hurtful, and they take professionals to diagnose.

And he finds this to be often true: It takes one to know one.

So, as with any relationship issue, a quick examination of how you handle relationships is in order.

Relationships with that dynamic can feel emotionally exhausting, take up a lot of time and add stress.

“There are many people that just haven’t really matured to the point of thinking of relationships of being truly reciprocal,” he said. “In other words, they see people as primarily there to serve them.”

They don’t grasp the idea that relationships need to be mutual and balanced in order to be healthy. It can be a mixture of lack of maturity and self-centeredness.

Then, consider the balance.

“There are times when one person in the relationship is in the role of a support,” he said, when someone may need more emotional support.

“If it seems like most every interaction is like that,” he said, “that’s an indicator it’s not a good overall balance.”

The person acting as support needs to recognize that the relationship will continue to be more and more draining if it stays the way it is.

Chandler says that with an energy vampire, there may be one of several dynamics at play.

Introverts vs. extroverts.

First, consider whether being with people energizes you or not — the simple difference between introverts and extroverts. Chandler specializes in Myers Briggs, the tests that can help you determine personality traits.

Introverts may feel that everyone around them is an energy vampire. Their energy is drained if they spend too much time with people, or are in too big of a group. They usually need downtime to recharge.

Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from those situations. So an extrovert can quickly overwhelm an introvert.

Chandler recommends that extroverts be sensitive to people around them, that they can be draining to someone without even knowing it.

Introverts need to take care of themselves too, perhaps spending time with people in smaller doses.

And introverts shouldn’t feel like a loser or a loner if they’re home on an occasional Friday night.

“There’s nothing wrong at all,” he said.

To get that down time, Chandler suggests letting people down easy, saying it’s nothing to do with them personally.

“Introverts (need) to ask for what they need, rather than assume the person is there to drain them,” he said.

Internal vs. external processing.

Some people also process their emotions externally, by talking through issues with someone, while others would rather do that internally.

Internal processors can be drained by the external processor.

Chandler suggests setting a time limit. Say you’ll talk about something for 20 minutes and then move on.

Longer conversations can sometimes spiral into obsessive thoughts or other types of neurotic thinking.

Attention-seeking behavior.

If stories are more about bragging, or “Look at me, I’m so cool,” he said, that skews towards the narcissistic side.

“They’re always going to be the star of the show. That can be draining for people around them,’ he said.

Some people may be so enamored of their own story that they really don’t want to take the actions needed to solve problems or change.

It’s a form of attention-seeking.

“A good way to identify that ... Are people really over time doing something differently to change?” he said.

Taking a victim mentality.

Energy vampires can also play the victim, in many situations.

“On the negative side, they are very, very needy — emotionally needy — and they’re a victim,” he said.

In other words, everything or everyone is against them, and energy vampires are not at all responsible for the problems in their lives.

In unhealthy relationships, people can fall into three roles, including that of the victim.

The Karpman drama triangle divides people as being persecutors (“It’s all your fault”), victims (“Poor me!”), and rescuers (“Let me help!”).

A victim reaching out to you for help is looking for a rescuer from the person they perceive as persecuting them.

“Victims will want to talk about somebody else as their persecutor. Then if you don’t rescue them, then you’re going to be the persecutor,” he said. “It’s a very unhealthy way of relating.”

Look for patterns.

Everyone needs more attention or support at some point in their lives.

But if the support always seems to be going one direction, you may want to re-evaluate what you want from that relationship.

Think about whether the other person is putting as much into it as you are.

What do you do?

“The pulling back process is important,” he said. “The best thing to do is pull back in ways that are gentle rather than abrupt, if you can help it.”

Try empathizing with them and encouraging them in a detached way. It could sound like this:

“I know you’re really having some difficulty. I really wish you the very best. I have confidence that you can figure this out. ... I’m real confident you’ll find a way through this.”

Then, step away.

“I need to get back to work right now. I’ll be interested in hearing what you figure out.”

That way you’re implying that you want to hear from them again when they’ve taken action, rather than further complaining.

“What you want to do is to be a little more formal and very courteous, and supportive, without anymore being the person that somehow is propping them up,” he said.

With someone you’re forced to see on a regular basis, like with a family member or coworker, you can set boundaries while still staying warm and kind.

With a friend you have no obligation to carry on with, you may not have to be as careful.

If you’re having trouble letting go, Chandler recommends thinking of yourself and your energy vampire as actors. There’s a lot of drama going on, a lot of emotional involvement. But now you’re going to take a step back, as the role of the director. You’re involved but can get perspective.

You may find your identity is wrapped up in being a rescuer, which is not a healthy place to be.

Don’t be afraid of the professionals.

“Think about the small cost of a few counseling sessions, and the huge benefit of having a happy and healthy life,” he said.

Therapists can help with everything discussed here.

Follow Stephanie Dickrell on Twitter @SctimesSteph, call her at 255-8749 or find more stories at www.sctimes.com/sdickrell.