20 years of loneliness and datelessness in
(1982 - 2002)
By Winston Wu (wwu777us@yahoo.com)
"I love rebels and
free spirits, I really do. And that's why I like Wu so much. There are so many people
who turn into depressed potatoes in the
- Jeff,
“Winston you are now an Asian
American Moses, and you are leading your people out of the “captivity” of
boredom, loneliness, lovelessness and datelessness to the various promised
lands of milk and honey, many honeys that is and milk is to come later. Lol.”
- Ladislav, Winston’s
Expat Advisor
Part 1: Persecution and ostracization from peers (1982 – 1991)
Part
2: Chronic loneliness in adulthood in an anti-social society (1992 – 2001)
Hello, I am Winston Wu. And this is my story.
It is a very sad story, but culminates in a happy solution at the end, albeit
an unconventional one. This is the sad tale of a constant loser in
If any of you ever considered yourselves a "loser" before, perhaps
after reading my story you won't feel so bad compared to what I went through.
For most of my life, I had been ostracized from having any sort of life in
That is, until I went abroad.
Here is how it all began.
Part
1: Persecution and ostracization from peers (1982 - 1991)
Born
in
I
had a happy childhood in
I
even had my first crush when I was 6 or 7.
She was a blonde named Angela.
Something about her made me feel intoxicated, weak,
vulnerable and in a
daze. I had no idea
what to do about it
except tease her and pretend I hated her. From that point on, I feared
women
for how weak and vulnerable they could make me feel.
But
just before 3rd grade, when we moved from
It
made no sense, and tarnished my view of the world and the fairness of
life. As
Job lamented in the Old Testament, why am I being made to suffer so
much even
though I've done nothing wrong? And
since I was weak, shy, and timid, I couldn't do anything about it or
stand up
for myself. All this destroyed my self-esteem, and I lived each day in
fear,
waiting and hoping that this painful predicament would subside. But it didn't, so I was
left to endure it in
pain.
This
period greatly retarded my mental, emotional, and psychological
development,
for sure. Instead
of growing up with
normal experiences, all I could do everyday was endure and wait for all
the
torture and pain of being ostracized and spat upon to subside.
This
continued on throughout the rest of elementary school, junior high, and
high
school, in varying degrees. I never felt liked, accepted, or even
respected,
only made a scapegoat by all my peers to vent their hatred and
aggression on. I
hated it and resented it like hell, but I felt powerless to do anything
about
it, and had no self-confidence either. Plus at that age, I saw my duty
as a
child who goes to school. I could not see it any other way.
The
only highlight of my day was during lunch, when I would eat a tasty
meal that
temporarily made me forget the social/psychological hell I was in. The ham and cheese
sandwich, tator tots, and
chocolate milk of the school meal was my only pleasure and escape of
the day.
Either that or my mom's tuna sandwich, cheese n crackers, milk, and
apple in a
lunch bag.
That,
and after school when I would watch reruns of Star Trek or cartoons. I
especially had an affinity toward Star Trek. Mr. Spock was so logical
and
everything he did made sense, which was a total contrast to my life
which made
no sense at all. That's why he was such a great escape for me. That, and I idolized
Captain Kirk who had such
a brave courageous personality, the kind I wished I had. Plus, shows like Star Trek
and Star Wars
stimulated my imagination and lust for fantasy, which I needed badly as
an
escape from my horrid predicament.
I also
liked many other sci fi shows at the time (Lost in Space, Buck Rogers,
Battlestar
Galactica, The Six Million Dollar Man).
These shows made sense to me.
They were simply about good guys vs bad guys and every
character had
understandable motivations, whereas my life, where I was tormented by a
whole
class for doing nothing wrong, made no sense at all.
My
summer vacations were boring as hell. The few friends I did have never
kept
their promises to get together. And I had no fun or adventure like you
were
"supposed" to. Instead, with both my parents working and being
trapped in the suburbs, I had nowhere to go but stay home and watch
And
my birthdays were so sad too. No
one to
invite or throw a party with. It
was
just me and my parents singing and eating cake.
It was so sad that I often cried in futility. Deep down, I
wanted and
believed that I deserved a lot better.
One
time, I even hurt my mom and made her cry, by telling her how much I
hated her
for bringing me into this world to suffer like this.
I just hated myself so much, since everyone
else did as well, and had no one to blame but her. In effect, I
transferred the
hatred from my peers to her, passing on the pain, hatred and blame. That's how desperate and
end of the rope I
was. So horrible
and sad.
And
I'll never understand why the school staff allows all these horrible
things to
happen at their school. It seems so cruel and senseless. Aren't the
teachers
reasonably intelligent adults? Why
don't
they do anything about it?
When
6th grade began, followed by junior high at Hopkins, my peers were
starting to
"date" or "go with" as they put it, I felt totally unworthy
to even enter the dating scene that it was out of the question, and I
was too
scared to talk to girls anyway, as I didn't know what to say to them,
and I
hated how they made me feel weak and strange all over. Girls picked up
on this,
and some took advantage and chased me for fun.
Some of the girls were cute, but them chasing me as a
group was
frightening to me at the time.
In
7th grade, I had a crush for a whole year on this blonde girl named
Emily. I
dreamed about her 24/7 that year, always feeling weak and possessed by
the
thought of her. It
was like an illness I
thought I'd never recover from. In
spite
of this though, I didn't have the guts to even say hi to her. Every time she walked by,
I would become
paralyzed with fear, as well as intoxicated, and hate myself for that
afterward. A friend
of mine heard
through the grapevine that she thought I was cute too. But I never had
the guts
nor self-worth to follow up on it. Two years later though, in 9th
grade, when I
found her next to me in a class, I finally did utter a few words to
her, which
shocked her. She seemed pleasantly surprised and perhaps was receptive
to me
and still liked me, but my crush on her had already worn out, so I
didn't
really care. I'll
always wonder though,
what would have happened if I had asked her to "go with" me.
(Her
name was Emily Steinkamp by the way, and if any of you reading this
knows her
or knows how to find her, please try to get her in touch with me)
When
high school began in Mission San Jose in 1987, as well as 9th grade, I
had a new
crush, a cute brunette named Richelle Faria, who lived only a few
blocks down
the street from me. The
interesting
thing is, my best friend at the time, a Filipino-Chinese guy named
James
Hernandez, also had a crush on her. I never told him that I did though,
so we
had this three way drama for a year.
(Amazingly,
when I visited
In
high school, strong cliques had formed, and biases and opinions were as
strong
as ever, as students had begun puberty and were struggling to form an
identity. The new
problem for me was
that I didn't fit into any of the cliques, not even with the nerds who
made
geeky jokes that I didn't find funny, nor did I ever see myself as a
"nerd" anyway. But alas, you had to join a clique in high school to
have any friends or have any social life or go to any parties or be
anything. But the
whole clique and social scene in high
school made me feel very uncomfortable.
It all seemed so fake, unnatural and immature. And the way kids acted in
high school in
general made me very uncomfortable.
I
could not be like them, nor did I want to be.
They seemed so barbaric.
I didn't
feel like I belonged or fit in anywhere.
My peers picked up on this, and so they teased me and spat
on me even
more.
Not
only was I clueless about how to join a clique, but deep down, I didn't
even
really want to try to join one. It didn't feel natural to even try.
Plus, I
still had no confidence or self-esteem either.
So, again I was ostracized from all social life and dating
among my
peers. I had no dates, not even female friends, never went out, never
went to
school dances or proms, and never went to any parties.
I envied those who did, but I could just never be one of
them.
It's
not that I wasn't attracted to girls.
Far from it. I
was horny as hell
everyday, especially in the afternoon when I was bored and restless in
my desk,
my hormones would be raging like a storm as I fantasized and lusted
after all
the girls around me shorts and tank tops.
I had crushes and sexual desires for many girls, and I
jacked off a lot
while thinking about them when I got home (and in fact, I started
jacking off
when I was 8 years old, but I didn't know what it was called at the
time). It's just
that I and my peers saw myself as a
total loser not worthy to even try to be interested in girls. When everyone is against
you, it's hard to go
against them.
Even
the few friends or acquaintances I found to hang out with during lunch,
looked
reluctant and ashamed at my presence, as though I was damaging their
image by
being around them. I
constantly felt
unwanted, unloved, and worse of all, I had no identity.
I was merely a misfit who was different and
didn't fit in anywhere and was unwanted anywhere too.
I
often wondered if the rest of my life was going to be like this, and if
the
world after high school would be the same.
If it was, my life could only end in suicide, I thought. (Fortunately, it wasn't)
If you want to imagine what it was like, picture the situation in the movie "Karate Kid" where Ralph Macchio kept getting beaten up and bullied by that group of karate bullies. But instead of just one small group of guys, imagine an entire school of them. That was my situation. But I had it far worse than "The Karate Kid" in fact, because he at least had a girlfriend he went out with and kissed, whereas I didn't even have that. I was ostracized and asexual in the school social scene.
To try to find meaning and
consolation in all this, I turned
to Evangelical Christianity. Its Gospel message gave me
solace and made
sense out of my unjust persecution. And its absolutist
doctrines and
precepts gave my chaotic life some kind of structure and order.
The
belief that upon accepting Christ, I was one of the special chosen one,
and
that the rest of the world which was persecuting me was evil, fallen,
and under
the influence of Satan, gave my predicament enough meaning to help me
get
through the day. At least it did so for two years.
Afterward, I
would have an on and off relationship with it until I left high school,
where I
would start leaning toward New Age beliefs.
When my junior year of high school
came (the year which many
claim is the most fun and memorable), the classes and homework became
much
harder. That created another problem for me. You
see, I didn't like
to study (in spite of what everyone thought), and sitting and taking
notes to
memorize them did not come naturally to me. Studying and
taking tests
felt like a prison. My mind was a wanderer who preferred to indulge in
imagination. I was a thinker and adventurer. It was not in my
nature to
sit, take notes, and memorize a ton of stuff I'd never even use in
life.
Thus,
I didn't fit in high school socially nor academically, neither among my
peers
nor the administration and their whole "system".
Frankly,
I'll never understand why God, mother nature, or destiny puts people
like me in
places and situations they don't fit into at all. It makes no sense. In
fact,
all my life circumstances have placed me in lose-lose situations, and I
never
understood why. Perhaps I am so independent-minded that I am unable to
"conform" to anything, at least in the
In
short, I had nothing going for me - I didn't get good grades, wasn't
good at
sports, had no real friends, no social life, no fun, not even any
self-worth. It was
the lowest point one
could go. In
addition, I had no siblings
to come home to console me, since I was an only child.
I was the ultimate loser from every angle.
But I was a loser with an iron will, strong
desires, and an imagination to live for.
Unable
to cope, I somehow developed these strange OCD symptoms which
caused me
to
retreat for hours each day and night into bizarre rituals that made no
sense,
but which I felt I had to do to quell anxiety, fear and negativity in
my mind. I guess it was the only thing I had control over,
since
I couldn't deal with my external circumstances. My own mind became a
prison for
me. This made it virtually impossible now to get any homework or
studying done.
And my grades plummeted sharply.
Eventually,
things got so bad and I became so depressed and dysfunctional
that I could no longer
function in the
rigid schedule of school and its pressures, where I was not even happy. So I had to pull out of
school and go on home
schooling. My
self-esteem had now gone
down into the negative values range, and that put me in such great pain
that I
wanted to commit suicide to be free of such torment, though I didn't
have the
guts to do so. All day and night I was gripped in fear and a sense of
doom,
dread and hopelessness. I even woke up in extreme terror. It was awful. I could
barely even keep up
with the home schooling even though it was easier, I was just too
depressed to
study.
No
one could understand me. My
own home
felt like an insane asylum, even though it was a very nice home. Even the few friends that
I had abandoned me,
including Wesley Chang, my long-time best friend
of 8 years, who had become a totally
different and worse person, and James Hernandez, my closest confidante.
When
the famous 1989
Not
knowing what to do, my parents, at the advice of an unsympathetic
psychiatrist,
put me in a mental rehab center for a month.
It actually turned out to be a nice place, with a swimming
pool,
entertainment lounge, good food, fun counselors, and various health and
arts
and crafts activities. It
was like a
resort almost. Though I don't think I had a real mental illness that
needed to
be treated, the time there was a big stress reliever that did end up
making me
feel a lot better afterward. At
least I
regained the ability to enjoy things again afterward.
That
summer, after the year was over, we decided that I needed a great
getaway for
rejuvenation and change of environment.
So I went to
After
a year there, I had a new sense of self-worth and confidence. I felt rejuvenated and
ready to take on life
again. I dreaded
going back to the
states, but part of me missed home and all its treasures (such as UNO's
pizzeria). My only consolation was that my peers at Mission San Jose
high
school that had spat upon me daily before had already graduated by
then, so I
wouldn't have to deal with those specific people again. Plus I was
going to a
new high school anyway, so I could begin anew.
But I only needed to finish one more year of high school,
then I'd be
free of that hellish prison.
So
I finished my senior year at
To
avoid looking like a loner or loser during lunch, I would go off campus
and
hang out somewhere during that hour, or join some club meeting and
pretend to
be interested in the activities there. It didn't really matter that
much
though, because at least I was not hated, spat upon, or "picked on"
for having no clique or being different.
Most of my peers respected me for being smart and
knowledgeable, getting
good grades, and acting confident and well poised.
So they let me be at least.
And that was important cause peace of mind
was what I needed most at the time, even without a social life.
With
peace of mind and my self-esteem rejuvenated, my mental and emotional
development was allowed to resume its course.
Amazingly, I soon discovered that my communication skills
had shot up
from zero to good. I
was now able to
articulate and express myself assertively and confidently, unlike
before. Plus
I felt more intelligent, knowledgeable and empowered, like it just
emerged out
from my deep recesses. I suddenly had the ability to write well too,
with solid
grammar and coherent ideas. I seem to have been reborn with
new abilities and desires.
However,
loneliness began to take a toll on me.
My
only companion was this cute Cantonese girl in 6th period (Computer class)
named Anita Au. So even though I was lonely with no social life at all, I at
least had a girl to chat with in my last class at the end of the day. It was
the closest thing I had to any form of companionship, even though it was just
casual chit chat about the school work.
But
after the first semester was over, our teacher suddenly decided to change the
seating roster. She said that having to work with new people would help teach
us "people skills" blah blah blah.
When
the new seats were announced, much to my dismay, me and Anita's were separated.
Anita even frowned at this. But she never saw how deeply my heart sank.
So
bad luck struck my life yet again. The only companionship I had in my school
life was taken away from me - like a beggar stripped of his only comfort.
How
could God be so cruel, I wondered? I was a passionate fanatical Christian at
the time, and believed that God was taking care of me. I was shocked he would
allow this to happen.
For
the rest of the second semester, I only exchanged passing smiles and waves with
Anita. We were never able to chat much again. The resentment in me slowly
built up. And my longing and crush for Anita gradually began to surface until I
felt pain.
During
lunch, I had no one to hang out with except for this Christian youth group that
would meet for fellowship once a week. During one meeting, when the Pastor
asked each of us what troubled us, I could not bring myself to say that I had
no friends or social life at this school, so I merely said that my pain was
being constantly bored and lonely. In response, the Pastor said that boredom is
something we create, to which I took offense to. He had no idea what I was
going through and I was too ashamed to say any more.
At
the end of the year, during final exams week, I finally decided to go up to
Anita and tell her how much I missed her and cared about her. When I did, she
blew me off and began avoiding me. In my year book she wrote that she hoped I
would find someone else.
When
I got home, out of desperation, I found her phone number in the White Pages and
then called her, to see if I could salvage anything. Though mentally I knew it
was hopeless, there were months of pent up emotion in me toward that I had to
release and face, at least for closure. So even though I knew she wasn't
interested in me, I basically called her cause I needed the closure.
On
the phone, she kept blowing me off and telling me firmly, "Winston, NEVER
call me again ok?"
After
we hung up, I had my closure, but an extreme anger and resentment began
building up inside of me, more than I ever felt before. I let it too, for the
extreme emotion made me feel alive after a whole year of lifeless existence.
My
eyes became bloodshot and my face became animalistic, as though primitive urges
had taken over. Adrenaline was surging through me in a way it never had. I felt
like I had become The Incredible Hulk.
The
next day, the students who were accustomed to seeing me as calm and mellow were
surprised that I looked so different even.
You
see, I had never had a girlfriend before. Love and companionship were always
denied to me, like a jinx. I would always lose every time. It was never meant
to be. Here I was finishing high school and I didn't even have my first real
date yet, the kind you see in the movies.
The
whole year I had been a good Christian, read the Bible, went to Church, prayed,
and witnessed for Christ to others. Yet for all that, I ended up with rejection
and hurt, my only companionship stripped from me.
So my
resentment began to be directed toward God. I angrily told him:
"What
the hell? I was a good Christian for a whole year. I read the Bible, prayed,
learned your teachings, and witnessed to other students, and almost got beaten
up for doing so by Muslim students! I really stuck my neck out there for you!
And what do I get for that? Hurt and rejection yet again? Why can't I win for
just ONCE in my life? JUST ONCE?! It's like you ALWAYS jinx me with bad luck and
loneliness. ALWAYS! If you're so all powerful, why can't you change that? WHY?!
Alright,
that's it. I'm pissed. More than you know! I'm going to show you how pissed I
am by not talking to you or reading my Bible for several months. I'm going to
STOP being a Christian for several months to show you how hurt and resentful I
really am!
I don't
deserve this perpetual life of loneliness that you've given me and rewarded me
with! So it'll be MY way of punishing you!"
After
that, I never really regained my interest or passion in the Christian faith
again. Perhaps without the unnatural pressures of high school, I no longer
needed it as a crutch. Perhaps that's what it really was to me - a crutch,
something to believe in, which I needed in my meaningless existence of
loneliness and boredom.
Instead,
I began to gravitate toward New Age beliefs. They were far more intellectually
stimulating with no strict rules, boundaries and fear mongering dogmas that
barred me from other forms of knowledge or mysticism. New Age allowed complete
freedom of exploration and study in all metaphysical, mystical and paranormal
subject areas.
This
freedom and stimulation allowed me to grow intellectually and spiritually. And
I liked it so much that I never wanted to go back to the strict black and white
thinking of being a Christian fundamentalist anymore.
It
brought new life to my lonely world. And that's why I stayed on this path. With
it, doors opened in my spiritual and intellectual understanding that I never
thought possible.
The
lonely months continued until I had my first girlfriend the next year. But
these New Age interests of mine kept my imagination and curiosity for esoteric
truth alive at least.
So
that's the story of how my religious/spiritual path changed back in 1992.
I
know a lot of Christian believers out there will chide me for abandoning their
faith over being rejected by a girl. But who's to say that she wasn't just a
catalyst for a spiritual change of path that I was already headed toward?
It's
hard for me to say whether or not if it wasn't for her, I would have remained
on the Christian fundamentalist path. I would say that it's doubtful though.
But it does seem that pushing the Christian fanaticism out
of me for a while, allowed new eyes to open in me, to the point that I didn't
want to go back to being "blind" and narrow again.
Part
2: Chronic loneliness in adulthood in an anti-social society (1992 - 2001)
After
high school, I had a profoundly rich sense of freedom, one that was
beyond
words and perhaps could never be matched again.
I felt like someone finally freed from years of prison. That nightmare called
"public
school" that I was forced to endure for years was finally over. Now I could do whatever I
wanted. I was a new
creature who was born again, and
life was back in my hands. I'll
never
forget this incredible feeling, and nothing I've ever experienced since
then
has ever compared to it.
I
started junior college at
It
was a new beginning in my life, in so many ways.
Plus, with Bill Clinton now elected President
after the much hated George Bush left, the nation felt the wave of a
fresh new
beginning as well.
However,
with zero girlfriends and no dates throughout high school, I longed to
taste my
first experience of the opposite sex. And I badly wanted to make up for
having
no dates or female action in high school. So I began talking to a lot
of girls,
hoping that something would happen. I was very confident, talkative and
social,
so I thought it was only a matter of time before I would start getting
dates.
After all, it looked so easy in movies portraying college life. But alas, there seemed to
be a barrier. The
girls would talk to you about school
stuff and were really polite, but asking them out felt like violating
some kind
of unspoken rule.
There
were these two attractive girls I liked that I talked to regularly,
Kelly
(blonde) and Sarah (Korean). I
kept
imagining that they liked me, but I was deluding myself. Every week, with nothing
to do on weekends, I
would call them up and see if they would do something with me, but they
kept
making excuses. This
went on for
months. But I
couldn't accept that I was
unable to get any dates, so I persisted.
The
following year, I finally had my first girlfriend, but not without
struggle.
She was a short but cute Vietnamese girl.
She had a boyfriend at the time, but their relationship
was on the
rocks, and she eventually chose me over him.
With her, I had my first kiss and lost my virginity soon
afterward. I went
out a lot with her and her large
network of Vietnamese friends and family.
But she had a nasty temper and was very small minded, so
we had a lot of
fights and arguments. After
two years,
we finally let go of each other, but remained friends.
After
that relationship, I began seeking girls again.
This time, I was set on finding a Caucasian girl, my
ultimate
fantasy. After all,
I thought, to be in
I
longed for hot action, hot romance, and the pleasure of beautiful white
women. But alas, I
was now at a big
university, Cal State Hayward, where socializing was even more
difficult and
uncommon than the community college I went to before, which I now
missed.
Though there were many more girls at that university, generally they
did not
want to talk to you unless it was school or class related. Also, it was
known
as a commuter school, where people came and went back to their
off-campus life
at their convenience.
Plus,
it was the mid-90's, and a new wave of man-hating feminism had began in
this
country, taking hold especially on the West Coast.
Women now had the mentality that men were
creeps by nature, and to be blamed for all their problems. This was
reflected
in the media and on day time talk shows as well. Suddenly, the women
became
more defensive and non-open to meeting men more than ever.
You
see, back in the 80's and prior, American women were still relatively
friendly
and normal. But I was too young, shy and insecure to date them back
then. Now
that it was the 90's and I was willing and ready though, it was too
late. The
man-hating phase had begun. Women
were now defensive, paranoid, and
anti-social, often preferring to be alone or with pets than with men.
It no
longer mattered that I was no longer shy or that I could initiate
conversation
with them boldly.
Thus,
it was a case of bad timing - I was ready to date at a time when the
market had
turned heavily against me. Also,
another
case of wrong timing is that back in high school, when people bonded in
cliques
of everyday friends, they were open and willing to make friends at that
time.
But in post-college and adult life, people were more isolationist,
preferred to
keep to themselves, do their own thing, and only meet for convenience.
Back in
high school I was too shy with no social skills and no confidence, so I
lacked
the power and energy to bond and make friends with others. But now in college, where
I had social
skills, confidence, great communication skills, and was finally ready
to bond
with others, people had become anti-social.
They seem to have passed that stage and were no longer
interested in
meeting people. They
either no longer
needed it or had their own family and clique and did not need any new
stimulation in their lives. Thus,
another case of bad/wrong timing.
But
nevertheless, I didn't give up. Everyday
I tried meeting girls, both on campus and off campus, thinking that by
doing
that I would be statistically guaranteed "some" dates at least. Time
and time again I was proven wrong.
But
with my intense unswerving will power, I would not give up.
This
went on for the next two years!
My
weekends became boring again, like they were before my first
girlfriend. I had
nothing to do except stay home and read, talk to my parents, or do
homework
(which I hated). I
had no parties to go
to, few friends to hang out with, and no dates of course. Again I was totally
ostracized against my
will. Sometimes my folks took me out to eat, shop, go to the park, or
to visit
their prudish and square family friends. It was soooooo sooooo sad. But
what
could I do? Sociality
seemed totally
against the flow.
Summers
were also boring as well. I
couldn't
find anything to do, never got invited anywhere, never had any fun
times or
wild times or hot girls, etc. It
was
miserable and I felt so futile since I couldn't do anything about it,
and if I
tried, it felt like I was going against the flow.
So dismal.
I never got invited to any New Year's parties either. It was just countless
disappointment against
my will, one after another, endlessly.
Worst
of all, when I was out at night and saw couples happily making out in
the car
or somewhere, I'd burn with envy and anger that I was not getting any.
And when
I saw happy couples walking about in the day I also was green with
envy,
longing for a nice girl by my side like that. This
happened literally thousands of
times! Or I would
see hot girls
everywhere and feel helpless to do anything about it.
I couldn't get them.
All I could do was go home and masturbate
while I fantasized about them later. This happened everyday.
I
tried everything, joining clubs, fraternities, church groups, dance
classes,
chatting up girls in public, etc. but nothing came of it. Even trying to get dates
felt completely
against the flow. It
seemed I was meant
to be a dateless loser unable to live any of my desires or fantasies,
and there
was nothing I could do about it.
Some
gave me the clicheish advice that I was trying too hard and that I
should just
relax and let things happen naturally. "You'll meet the right person
someday" was the overused cliche we've all heard before. But the thing is, even if
I followed that
advice and stop "trying so hard" the result would be the same - ZERO
decent dates and no game. So
what was
the point? Either
way, it was a
LOSE-LOSE situation, like most of my life had been. Besides,
I
wasn't necessarily looking for "the right person". I just
wanted
some cool fun girls to hang out with. Why is that so God damn
impossible?!
Though
I was in denial about it at the time, another factor going against me
was that
white females simply found Asian males the least attractive, especially
Oriental looking males. They
wouldn't
admit it to you of course in this politically correct culture, but it
was
apparent and admitted through the grapevine. And it was obvious from
looking at
online personal ads as well, where almost all the white American
females said
they only wanted white males. A
few
liked Black and Hispanic men, but it was very rare to find one that
liked Asian
men. So, the race
factor was also
working heavily against me as well.
At
one point, desperate for "white female touch" and needing it badly,
during a family vacation in
There
was another time when I got a hooker from the internet. She came over
one night
and turned out to be a tall Italian beauty.
I was mesmerized by her.
But she
was expensive, $200 an hour, the standard price in the
Back
in college, my classes in business administration were not exciting
either.
They became harder and more boring, with economics and calculus being
required. My grades
started to drop, as
I realized that I had no interest or enthusiasm in business studies,
which I
had chosen out of safety due to their practical broadness. My real passion was in
English, History, or
Philosophy, but I thought a degree in those was useless. But in any case, I
couldn't concentrate or
focus on preparing for any future career anyway, since I was plagued
with
chronic loneliness, datelessness, sexlessness, and obsessed with trying
to
change that, always fighting a losing battle but never giving up either. Thus, careers and jobs
were the furthest
thing from my mind.
Looking
for something that would interest me, I began pursuing acting, my life
long
dream during childhood which I never had the confidence or self-esteem
to
pursue before. It was the perfect field for me, cause I loved attention
and
loved to express myself, and it allowed me to play fantasy make
believe, a
world which I was already in anyway. I was also hoping that such a
medium would
also allow me to meet like-minded girls and be popular with them. So I
got
involved in drama classes, school plays and films.
Now
I had lot of fun in acting and was exciting by the whole thing. I found that I was good at
it too, I required
very little rehearsal to get my part right. I got small roles here and
there,
and eventually started doing extra work in movies shot in
But
again, the girls only interacted with me regarding class related
issues, nothing
outside of that. Again
I wondered why it
looked so easy in the movies, but in real life it was awkward and
unnatural, at
least for me. So
yet again, I was left
with the torture of seeing so many girls all around me but unable to
get any
dates or action.
At
that time, in 1996, the internet had taken root in our society as a
whole new
medium. Knowing
that I would probably
become addicted to it, I went ahead and signed up for my first AOL
account
anyway. With nowhere else to turn, at least I had a new medium to turn
to now
that could open up a whole new world, making me a computer nerd for
life. Oh well.
So
I began chatting online. It
was fun
being able to flirt with girls online and say things to them that you
could
otherwise never say in person. But
whenever I would meet the girls offline, they either turned out to be
fat and
ugly, or skinny and normal looking but not interested in me. Even when I met girls I
had a lot in common
with, they'd still blow me off. Finally,
one day I met a girl who was serious about me and very consistent in
her
affection and interest in me. Her
name
was Robin, and we chatted every day, becoming closer and closer each
day. But she lived
in
After
graduating from college with a business degree and minor in marketing,
I had no
idea what to do next. I
was scorned,
bitter and angry that my last two years of college were such a
disappointment
in social and dating life. Even
though I
tried EVERYDAY for two years to meet women and get dates in college and
out in
public, I ended up with ZERO decent dates that went well! None of my fantasies with
white girls were
lived, in spite of all the enormous effort and time that I put into
attaining
it. I could not
accept this at all. It
was completely abhorrent, a total
disgrace, and I was even ashamed to think about it.
I
was already 25, and yet I didn't even have the dating experiences with
good
looking girls that typical 16 year olds have already had! Horrid!
To think that I wasted two years of my life in futility,
and worst of
all, I could never get those years back!
All I could do was be in denial about it.
So
with nowhere to turn, and no other goals, I flew to
After
spending the summer together, I flew back to
We
lived a comfortable peaceful life together.
But I soon became bored.
First
off, she was not an exciting person.
She
had no intellectual life, no sense of adventure, but instead thrived on
routine
and predictability. I
received little
stimulation from her, except her comforting touch and companionship at
night. Eventually
the sex became stale
too, so that I constantly checked out every attractive female around me.
Also,
the job market sucked in that college town.
There were only dead end and crappy jobs, nothing in the
fields that I
wanted, such as marketing and advertising.
So my life quickly became a rut.
I had nowhere to grow into.
And
people there were even more reserved and kept to themselves than they
were in
I
did some promotion gigs in
Soon
I became restless and unhappy, but I didn't want to leave and
jeopardize my
relationship with Robin, which I had spent two years searching for.
(And that's
the problem in
I
realized that although
After
a year of this, I kept dreaming of my days back in sunny
That
was it. With that,
I had no place to
move back to in
My
parents bought a very nice four story house with a waterfront view,
trees and
wild deer around. It
was perfect. Since
I was a job hopper there without a
steady good income, and didn't want to sign another yearly lease on my
apartment, me and Robin moved into my parent's new mansion to ease
ourselves of
the burden of paying rent, and hopefully to save up money for our
future
together.
I
was in a nice home with naturesque surroundings, but I still had no
interesting
life, only a dull but comfortable one to wake up to.
Frustrated and not knowing what to do, I
suffered in "quiet desperation".
Eventually Robin started looking down on me. She was highly career
oriented with rigid set
goals and no imagination. So
she could
not really relate to my situation. I wasn't like her, so she began
losing
respect for me and my ability to function in life and be an equal
contributing
partner to her.
For
the next year, I tried to be productive by taking crappy jobs that I
didn't
like and wasn't cut out for, just to have a job at least and appear to
be a
working citizen to Robin. They included low paying retail jobs and
monotonous
mind numbing data entry jobs, a total mismatch and waste of my skills
and
talent.
These
jobs ended up with either me being laid off for not fitting in, or me
feeling
suffocated so much that I had to quit.
I
did find some promising good paying positions in fields that I wanted
which had
potential, such as marketing assistant, photographer, etc. and I was
very close
to securing them, but they kept going to other people, or the company
had a
hiring freeze. I
kept missing by a
little.
To
fill my spare time, I would read up on the paranormal and metaphysics,
and
write to express myself about topics I had strong opinions about. After all, Robin was
giving me no
intellectual stimulation, and my brain needed "exercise", so I had to
get those things another way.
Eventually,
Robin and I grew apart. We
were no
longer in love and I felt no attraction for her anymore. The sex was
also
completely stale. I merely kept her around so that I wouldn't have to
fall into
desperation and datelessness again as I had been before I met her. I didn't want to go back
to being alone
everyday trying pathetically to start up conversations with women who
didn't
want to meet me, as I was before I left
The
straw that broke the camel's back came one day, when she saw me
flirting with
other girls online. The
next day, after
losing my job at a shitty car rental agency due to bad chemistry with
my
manager, Robin announced when I came home that she wanted to break up
for good,
and that her decision was final. So, I lost a job and girlfriend on the
same
day, a double whammy. People
that have
experienced that say that it's a sign that your life needs a whole new
direction.
I
was in denial at first, since I always believed that if we had
problems, we
would at least talk things out first.
But she was firm about it.
A few
days later, when she moved out to stay with one of our friends, I
pleaded with
her, begging and crying. I
felt like one
of my body limbs was about to be torn off.
But she ignored me and wouldn't budge.
When she left, I was horrified and filled with an
impending sense of
doom and dread.
For
the next few months, I was in so much pain that I sometimes could not
even move
from bed. And I
often woke up with a
sense of terror inside, unable to face my reality of being alone again. It was similar to that
period back in 1989
when I dropped out of high school.
I was
in so much pain constantly, that I didn't think I could survive.
And
to think that during our relationship, I was there for her when she
cried when
her dog died, and also when she cried when her grandmother passed away,
yet
when I cried after she left, all she would say was that it was my
problem and
that I would have to deal with it.
So
much for tenderness and caring warmth.
These American women truly had no heart deep inside, not
the kind that
we do. Thus, I
became disillusioned and
jaded with them, and rightfully so.
It
was obvious that deep down, American women only cared about themselves,
and
were only out to fend for themselves in the end.
And this was the case even with the nicest of
them, such as Robin. Thus,
I could no
longer trust them or give them my heart.
Through
my network of parapsychology circles I knew from my paranormal writing,
I met a
guy named John Benneth, one of the enemies of paranormal debunker James
Randi
and his million dollar psychic challenge.
Benneth offered me some acting work in his theater down in
So,
when most my strength regained, I prepared for the trip down south that
summer
of 2001. During the
long drive down, I
felt many bouts of sadness and pain, so it was hard concentrating on
the
driving. But I
managed through the
beautiful terrain.
Soon
another friend from our parapsychology circle joined us, Michael
Goodspeed, a
guy around my age who had followed a similar path in life. Like me, he
too had
been ostracized all his life from his peers as a misunderstood misfit,
but he was
not as crazy about girls, dating and sex as I was. We had an immediate
kindred
spirit and understanding between us, so he soon became my best friend
and
closest confidante.
I
also started doing some acting for a
The
girls in
My
luck would not change until the Fall, when I met an older but very
attractive
brunette at a Wiccan gathering named Danielle.
She was tall, attractive, and looked like a rich guy's
girl. I couldn't
believe that she was infatuated
and enamored with me. While
in
disbelief, I was elated at the same time, and on cloud 9. We had a steamy 5 week
relationship. Each
time we parted, I couldn't wait to see
her again. She also made love in a way that I had never experienced
before. She
was so skilled, honed, tender, and knew just what to do at the right
time. She
also knew how to set the music and candles just right too. Obviously, she was very
experienced and had a
lot of lovers before (not a very good sign obviously). Every time we
made love,
I was left mesmerized. I had never been touched like that before (and
have not
since either).
When
she came to see my play one weekend, all the cast were envious at how
attractive of a girlfriend I had.
After
a stunning performance with a standing ovation from the crowd, we all
had a big
dinner celebration. There,
I had
Danielle, my parents (who had come down to visit me), my best friends
Michael
Goodspeed and John Benneth and a warm crowd and cast I had gotten to
know. It was a
But
alas, as you might have heard, such "high points" in life usually
precede coming tragedies where it all falls apart.
And such was the case here as well.
One
Sunday morning, after a steamy weekend together where she finally
uttered the
big three words (I love you) for the first time, a snow storm hit.
Eager to get
back home while the roads were still drivable, we set out after
breakfast to
drive her back home. Outside while was cleaning my windshield, her
house keys
fell from her purse side pocket into the snow.
But we didn't find out about it until we reached her house. By then, the road back up
to
When
her roommate finally returned late that night, we drove her back and
though she
offered to let me stay there til the roads became drivable again, I
declined
and wanted to go back to my apartment, since I had tasks planned that
afternoon
and as a perfectionist, I didn't want to leave things unfinished or be
behind.
It was a difficult slippery drive back up the hills in the snow and I
barely
made it, having to go out and push my car out of the snow when I
reached my
place.
The
next day, my fears were confirmed.
When
I called Danielle, she was cold and distant, and sounded argumentive as
though
looking for a reason to start a fight.
The more I tried to calm her down and fix things to put
the incident
behind us, the worst it got though.
It
seemed that she was using everything I said against me, even when I was
trying
to be helpful and nice. As
you know,
that's a very bad sign and indicator that someone is basically "through
with you". She then
told me not to
call her for a week.
The
next time I called her, the same thing happened.
Everything I said was used against me and she
was very argumentive again. She
had
flipped, gone psycho, so to speak, and was not the same anymore. She blamed it all on me
using twisted logic,
and hallucinated false facts to justify her position, as American women
often
do. But everytime I corrected her with the truth and the facts, she
would just
use that further against me. It
was a no
win situation. (which I am no stranger to) We were done for and she was
not
returning back to normal.
In
addition, she also added insult to injury by mocking me with parting
shots
about how my car was not nice, how I wasn't rich and that I had
"nothing", etc. How
immature
for a supposedly "spiritual Wiccan woman"!
To
say that I was in disbelief would be an understatement.
How could this be? It
was so unreal. Here
I find the perfect girlfriend, one that
was actually very attractive by conventional standards, after years and
years
of searching, and I lose her at the drop of a hat just like that, just
cause
she loses her car keys in the snow, which wasn't even my fault?! That makes no sense at all! Gee, I must have the worst
luck in the
world! Something up
there was definitely
against me, always making everything go wrong!
For
the next few weeks, I was in deep withdrawal pain again. In some ways it was a good
thing because
being in pain over Danielle kind of sealed and completed the recovery
from the
nightmarish deep pain I had over Robin, by diverting my pain and
healing
energies onto a different persona.
Thousands of times, I kept replaying the events of the
Sunday before we
broke up, wishing that I had put her keys that afternoon in the center
area of
her purse protected by the zipper, instead of handing them to her to
let her
stupidly put in the side pocket to fall out later while she was wiping
snow off
my windshield. I
kept thinking over and
over again, if only I had done that, our relationship might be fine and
still
going by now. After
all, how can a steamy
relationship that was going so well change so quickly over one little
accident
like that?! It
didn't add up in my head
and I kept obsessing over it to the point of madness.
Now
I was really disillusioned with American women.
Not only do they truly only care for themselves when the
chips are down,
as Robin demonstrated, but they were also so mentally unstable and
psycho that
they would change at the drop of a hat too?!
How can you ever trust them then or invest your life in
them?! I realized
that continuing to seek a quality
loving stable relationship with an attractive American woman that will
last,
was pretty much a futile endeavor, no matter how hard and long you try.
By
now, there was also a strange recession going on in
So,
things were in a slump again. My
best
friend Michael Goodspeed had returned to Portland, and John Benneth had
become
involved with a new girlfriend that he was spending most of his time
with now,
so I didn't get to see him that much anymore either.
Everything just went south so suddenly, after
only 7 months in
Not
wanting to be alone during the Christmas season, I flew back to
I
was sad though, because I liked
Amazingly,
my heavily packed car made it all the way to
Part
3: Discovering the world abroad - The journey that
changed my life forever and made my dreams come true (2002 - Present)
Reminiscing over my life so far, it
was clear that all the
evidence, events and bad luck in my life had pointed to me being a
NATURAL BORN
LOSER. There was no doubt about it. The evidence
was
overwhelming. But I was also a FIGHTER and SURVIVOR with a
relentless
IRON WILL, like Rocky Balboa. So I would not quit pursuing
what I wanted
and would not give up, no matter how many hundreds of times I failed.
The whole dating scene was so futile
and unwinnable for me,
that even when I met women I had a lot in common with, they blew me off
or made
excuses not to spend time with me, not even as friends. And
even sluts
turned me down or flaked out on me.
Back in
However, I enjoyed the pay
there. I was saving up money
fast, since I was living with my parents too, a fact I kept secret from
them.
But unfortunately, as I feared, I had
no social life at
all. The environment was completely anti-social to the nth
degree. My
coworkers were my only social interaction. After work, I had
nothing to
do but go online and try to find ms. right in vain. And of
course, I had
nothing to do on weekends except stay home and spend time with my
parents and
use the internet as an escape.
The thing is, I was hired as an
"intermittent", so
I was like in a transit position to be used on an as needed
basis. It
could go permanent, or I could be laid off. But it didn't
matter to me,
since I didn't want to be there or in WA forever with no social life,
dates or
fun at all.
Wondering what to do next after WA, I
looked at my
options. I had always wanted to go to
So I started going back to checking
out Russian brides again
like I did before I met Robin. Looking at the website photos
of Russian
brides and the eye candy catalogues, I was enamored with
them. I'd give
anything to be able to get a young tall white hottie like that, I
uttered as I
saw each lady's photo that I fancied. So I started doing
research and
posting on Russian bride seeking yahoo groups, of which I eventually
became
infamous in.
Gradually I began mentally planning a
trip to
After a few months, I was laid off
from the employment
agency job. So I began preparing for the trip for
real. I couldn't
believe I was actually going to
On the day of my flight, I tried my
best to not think about
it so the nervousness didn't overwhelm me...
Thus began the start of my
three trips to
Upon my first arrival in
Best of all, in
To see exactly what I mean, see these slide
shows, photo collages, videos and photojounals I put together with inspiring music, which show why I am "Happier
Abroad".
As you can see from all that material,
my
dating life shot up from ZERO to INFINITY overseas! I finally
felt VALIDATED, all of which brought out the best in me. My
confidence and
outgoing, happy-go-lucky personality was finally allowed to come
out. I could be who I was, and go
out and go for the
women I wanted without guilt or fear. In
fact, women found me manly and charming for daring to flirt with them
or
pursuing them. I thought women like this were only a fantasy
in the
movies. Yet here I was living it!
I had found my Holy Grail or Shangri
La at last. And ironically, it had been foreshadowed
back in 1990 by
my rejuvenation trip to
Thus began my new life abroad, where
I was validated,
rejuvenated, and born again at last, where I found
social/dating/love paradise at last...
But of course, every country and
culture in the world has
its ups and downs, annoyances and inconveniences, but social dating
life is
never as cold, sterile and anti-social as it was in
Though I had many exciting
experiences as well as
disappointments, I never felt like I was "out of the game" like I was
in
My first trip to
After three trips to Russia from 2002
to 2005, I had grown
and matured a lot, dated hundreds of women, seen exotic cities and
cultures in
Russia and Eastern Europe, and has many adventures and
misadventures.
Though I never found "the one" that lasted, I had a great variety of
dating experiences with many attractive girls, the kind I could never
have had
a chance with in the
To summarize, here are the
primary differences I
discovered between dating/social life in the
In
So as you can see, it's a losing battle and sinking ship, as well as a
waste of
time and life.
But in most of the other 200 countries outside the
In most countries abroad:
All these things are a huge
refreshing difference, a world
of difference in fact. Though these differences are as glaringly
obvious as the
blue sky above, NONE of it receives ANY publicity in the
See my Comparison Chart of key differences abroad here. And also see these Secrets I learned abroad that are never publicized in the media, due to their taboo nature.
The following year, I decided it was
time for a
change. Inspired by the story of my Expat Advisor, which you
can read here,
I decided to try the exotic warm
This time, I knew I'd be overseas for
the long haul, so I
went on a Summer road trip first through the desert
In the Fall, after teaming up with an
online friend to fly
to the
Wow, it exceeded my
expectations. The girls were
unbelievably open, comfortable, friendly and enthusiastic, and treated
me
better even than the girls in
In the
So, I partied for a few months and
had many attractive sexy
girls of all colors, dark, light, olive complexion, short, tall,
Spanish/Mexican
looking, Oriental looking, etc. I couldn't believe the
variety of types
of girls there. I had more sex than I ever had in my life! I
was even
"sexed out" many times, believe it or not.
Best of all, when I flirted with
girls I had a thing for,
they would usually flirt back! And usually, my attraction for a woman
was met
with equal desire back! So at last, my attraction was reciprocated
almost
completely. I felt redeemed finally.
Even more than before,
I felt really alive, a special
and appreciated human being, who was wanted and desired by the
same women that I desired. At last there was
complete balance and
harmony between what I want and what wants me. It
was what I always
wanted and dreamed of.
The only challenge now would be find
a way to deal with all
my baggage from the past, as well as find a way to make a living here.
To glimpse what I mean, see these
photo collages of
Filipinas that I put up after the Russia/Europe one. Again,
they show
what a difference it is being overseas outside the
https://www.happierabroad.com/ebook/Collage.htm#Philippines
As you can see, my dating/love life
has shot up
from zero to infinity by simply going overseas beyond the US matrix.
To read another inspiring story from
the
One day, I met a young tall
sexy gorgeous Filipina named Dianne. Something felt right about her, and we
had instant
chemistry, physically and emotionally. We became a long term
couple who
lived together. You can see our pics here: https://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3342
After a few months, she became
pregnant, and we named our
baby "Angelo". Now I had the joy of being a father as well, to a cute
baby that looked like I did back in 1973 when I was born. It was a
chilling
reminder of how innocent I was before the tormented lonely futile years
in
public school that arose after that. You can see his pictures
and my baby
photos side by side here: https://www.happierabroad.com/Angelo_Winston.htm
I was reborn. A new life had begun for me.
What were years of loneliness, frustration, despair and futility turned
out to have a grand purpose behind it. "Everything happens for a
reason", as they say. The Lord, or "Universal Consciousness",
works in mysterious ways after all.
Since then I have developed and expanded this Happier Abroad website and movement to help others, inspire
them,
give them hope, solutions, and a forum to network with others. It has drawn both admirers and
critics, and wonderful comments such as in this collection
of
quotes: https://www.happierabroad.com/ebook/Quotes.htm
Thank you for reading my story. I hope it has inspired
you in some way or given you hope, especially if you share the
same
predicament as me.
Feel free to browse the rest of my
site and forum from the
main page, if you haven't done so already, at https://www.happierabroad.com.
Thank you for you reading my story.
May you take care
and God bless.
Best Regards,
Winston Wu
Discuss this story in this forum thread: https://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3990