122420
hey hey, merry christmas eve to those of you who celebrate it. birthday went super well, julia always puts together the cutest gifts. family listened to my desperate plea
for gift cards & FUCKIN CALVIN BOUGHT ME A MEGPOID GUMI FIGURE????? THATS ME?!!?!??! HE BOUGHT ME ME!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH. by far my
favorite gift this year. [REDACTED] youre wrong and in denial and it hurts to watch. so... i wont watch!! my eyes are averted! heheeeh. what ellllllse?? i have money to spend
and i HATE spending money. everything feels like a waste. i want posters.. i want outfits and accessories.. i want cds and vinyls... ahhhh.. at least i dont have to decide any time soon.
not much to say it seems. OH yes there is. i finally began reading lynettes book so ill have lots to say about her & charlie & the family soon enough. i want coffee so badly rn, gonna go
make it. i just wanted to write in that the 17th birthday was pretty great & i hope you all have a nice holidays. well ^ __ ^ most of you!

WAHHH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CAN U LEAVE ME ALOOOONE???? CRAZY FUCKIN BITCHES MAN!!!! STALKING YOU??????????
I KNEW YOU WERE SELF ABSORBED BUT HOLY SHIT. this is truly too much! im a sick twisted individual? ME? COMING FROM YOU?
collectively you make me do nothing but laugh. im so so over this. in fact this is the last time ill even mention them. good riddance you lot of psychos...





122120
goooooood afternoon everybody! today is the start of MILA DAY(S)! cleaning the house so people can come over.
[the entire remainder of this entry is redacted because i am BEING HARRASSED?????????]





122020
tomorrow is my birthday party despite my birthday being on the 22nd. im very excited. i almost feel like i screwed up the universe by making it to 17.
i was absolutley supposed to die at 16. when i was 12 i told myself i wouldnt make it past 16 & here i am. it feels like im going against a very long-held promise to myself &
its weird. but my future holds lots, good & bad. im a little more eager to find out this year than i was last year. but that may just be the entrance of niko into my life.
whatever my future holds, it will include him. & thats enough stability to last me a long while. although. i am ten times more as anger-filled as i was last year. well.. in a way.
it was around this time last year i was dipping into the . nazism. please.. so embarrasing.. but.. that did make me a lot angrier than i needed to be. but now im not angry at people,
just the world and the way it works. its always been like that, but now ive stopped pretending that its someone in particular's fault.





121820
ouuuughh... so upset. why is my dad like this? hes so overwhelmingly negative.. i know hes wrong but it still gets to me. "by the time you meet up he'll find someone else.
or you will." really? youre still on about that? no he wont.. no i wont. why are you so intolerant? of people? of love? why are you so angry? all questions i couldve asked myself a
year ago but.. god. is this the way people felt around me? fuck.. im sorry. julia, sierra, karlie, im sorry for being so miserable. love is a light. im a lot happier now, with niko.
my dad breaks me down so badly. "it wont last anyway." fuck you man. im going to prove you wrong. WE are going to prove you wrong. why cant you fathom falling in love
over the internet. he fucking yells at me when i tell my boyfriend i love him. he says it irritates him. its not FOR you. he says we can say it over the phone. "youve been
sooo in love for how many months & you havent even said hello over the phone." bro we've got anxiety. he wont let me respond to his text now either. i hate this. and he keeps
yelling that i HAVE NO WHERE TO GO, ILL NEVER MAKE IT OUT THERE if i do so choose to leave when im 18. i SAID i didnt WANT TO. but i CAN. no i dont have a fucking
plan but ill figure it out if i absolutley have to. he also keeps emphasizing that i dont drive & i dont have a job. i CAN drive, im capable of it, i just DONT bc i DONT fucking LIKE it.
i dont have a job YET. i will get one. you said i need to worry about school first. you underestimate what i'll do if i have to. ill live somewhere with julia or niko, whoever is
closer and more avalible to room with me at the time. worst WORST case scenario i contact vince. hell, or i ask blake to live with me. given he has income by then. OR or..
woooooooorst case scenario i ship myself to england for that dude from kik LMFAO. id never come back, but thats neither here nor there. the POINT IS. if i want to LEAVE,
i will LEAVE. got that? in one way or another i will get out of here if i NEED to. im not going to NOT TELL MY BOYFRIEND I LOVE HIM BECAUSE YOOOOOURE
UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT. GOD.... you irritate me you irritate me you irritate me. he also says stop swearing so much LOL fuck no!!.. angry. angry girl full of
anger.. im angry because i dont understand. "you dont need to understand." YES THE FUCK I DO. I GET THAT YOOOOURE THE ADULT AND IIIIM YOUR
DAUGHTER BUT GOD DAMN IT ITS MY LIFE AND I HAVE A FUCKING RIGHT TO KNOW WHY YOU HATE MY HAPPINESS SO BADLY.

ahhg my baby..please dont text less. im sorry about him. all in time my love, we'll be alone together soon enough. i love you to pieces. you make me so happy





121620
i miss slicefessing. i miss cutting in general. i wonder how long itll be before i give in & break out new blades. im gonna try to go for a few months.
idek what my record is. i also dont know the date i gave my dad my blades so now i cant really even keep track.. fuck. i cant wait until i can cut wherever
& whenever. ive been putting some actual thought into.. not dying young & if thats the route im going.. i gotta stop eventually.. maybe. but if im going to continue
to be malicious & stubborn, i cant WAIT to cut different parts of my leg. much more inclined to cut the lower half of my body? arms make me squirm. but i wanna cut
my actual leg instead of my thigh. just.. midweek self harm fantasies.. my brain has not stopped churning them out since this mess all started. i assume no one has noticed,
but i entered a bunch of writings from old notebooks. not much of interest, but it feels good to have everything in one place.

im so obsessed with niko. i think he might be getting bored of me. thats okay, hes allowed. but i cant stop thinking about him. i think about him all day long.
i could not care less about seeming clingy or overbearing. i am clingy and overbearing. i want to be all over him all the time. i want to be the only thing he thinks about.
i miss being crazy in love everyday. this recovery shit is already so boring.





121320
also didnt mention im back in contact with monika! not constant, of course. but lu finally got through to it without it blocking us. very glad.
i like them a lot and ive felt awful about how abruptly we lost contact. alsssoooo that im happier than id expected to be talking to luka & ash again.
we all have each others numbers and julia was on call with ash the night i slept over but, its different being in the gc. always active. always poppin.
someones always talking about something. although..that might just be my need to be in an active chat. it never really seems to matter who im talking to,
but the fact that im talking to more than one person at once. is it the attention? no, because rarely am i the focal point of a conversation. at least i dont think.
but.. whether it was vince & fabio, brody & puppy, ash & luka.. i feels good to be a part of something. lmfao who knew right??? i havent been in
school or any social activities in so long that meerly being in a groupchat makes my heartbeat quicken. pathetic, but whattaya gonna do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
speaking of those two, brody & puppy. brody says i no longer exist in her world! waaaa, how will i deal? piss house wannabe bimbo doesnt think i exist.
right back at u. you know that hurt. posting fuckin TYLENOL "wwwwim gonna kms miwa weft me TT__TT" pfahahahahah. k. youre still funny. trying to act
tough. www ww wwwwwwwwwwwww im am rollllling wwww w ww w w w!! and while im at the subject of laughing at others' pain.. heheoeheheo.. have i
mentioned im in recovery? RECOVERYYYYY BIIITCH???? RECOVERY FROM WHAT? BEING TOO SMART?? godddd i hate having to dumb myself down
for people ESPECIALLY my dad. long story short niko was in the ward for a week because our phones got looked through and his mom read our mail.
worst week fuckinggg ever. i am beyond surprised at how quickly the urgency of all this has dissipated? my dad is still looking at all my texts but he seems..
almost defeated. i keep reinstating that i 'only have to listen to him for another year.' in all honesty, no, i dont want to leave home right away.
i KNOW it would be difficult, i KNOW i would 'struggle out there'. but if i REALLY want to leave this house, i can. legally, i can. im supposed
to be trying to get better now. moreso than before. sure.. ugh. better. better better better & normal normal normal. i truly believe i will be like this for the
rest of my life. my short, wonderful life. its laughable.. that they think im going to change because they want me to. nooo.. sorry but no. i see how badly my existence
weighs on my family. they dont want me gone though, despite how much shit i cause. all these sleepless nights caused by worrying about me. it will all go away if you let it.
no one will tell me why im being fought so hard for? 'because we love you' URRRGHHH SURE YOU DO!!! i get that!! you love me i get it!! i dont ask to be loved
though! ill ive ever asked was to be left alone. but you people seem to be as stubborn as i am. you want recovery? then i'll recover. but i wont be cured.
you cannot cure evil. i know how fucking dumb and juvenile i sound but for the last two weeks i have been reminded & REMINDED of how 'disturbed' and abnormal i am.
and im continuing to prove you all right. i never DENIED being disturbed.. im just at peace with it. i dont know why my thinking patterns are wrong and YOURS are right.
the things i know cant be unlearnt or unfelt. and you can laugh at me and mock me all you want because theres not a doubt in my mind that im right. im at peace
and you are not. you choose to pick on me because i am sure of myself and i am content. trying to pick me apart will not aid you at all. you might THINK it does.
bullying me may give you that little endorphin rush. but in the long run youre just training yourself to dismiss what you cant wrap your head around.
i already have the lead in this situation & i havent even been evaluated yet. major ego boost there, as if i need it. for example: today my dad had a headache.
thats fine right? yeah. he had a headache and i know that puts him in a bad mood so i sat quietly in the living room all day long & finsihed up my school hours from
this week. upon coming into the living room to stuff his face with food, he looked at my phone. alas! i texted niko fucking ONCE WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
hooooo how dare i. didnt say anything wrong though! because apparently now theres a right & wrong way that im allowed to speak to my boyfriend. but at
the end of my message i said "i kiss u" which is, according to my dad, unheard of for teenagers in love to say they wanna kiss each other. that led him to once again go on
about 'youre too obsessed with him', 'youre not in love with him', 'you dont even know him', and many more things of the same sort. and he said that since i used my phone while
he was sleeping, i dont get it for the rest of the night. so naturally i start bawling. i pull the 'why do you hate me', 'i thought you wanted me to get better', 'what did i do wrong' waa waa
bullshit. works every time man. almost every time.. i gave him all my blades so its not like hes scared im gonna go cut, but i know that my dad doesnt hate me.
and no matter how bad he is at showing it, he doesnt want me to feel like shit. so im crying in the living room & he's yelling from his room that 'DONT WORRY I CAN HEAR YOU'
as if im crying FOR him. idc if you can hear me. then he tells me to shut up & by this point i was genuinely hyperventilating so i couldnt stop on the spot like that, id genuinely
worked myself up. so i start going 'you say i can talk to you but when i do you just tell me to shut up!' & i think that hurt his feelings or something bc he invited me into his room &
rubbed my back until i stopped crying and then gave me my phone lol. mission accomplished. oh and also he read my physical notebook journal & saw me write I LOVE NIKO
in blood & talk about how i want to rip ppl apart and drink their blood and spit in their empty eye sockets and stuff.. so um. im in a weird place with my dad at the moment.
i feel like everyone is walking on eggshells around me and i cant tell if i like it or not yet. i like you all being just worried enough about me for it to keep you on your toes,
but not enough that theyre going to hospitalize me again yknow? everything is so touchy.. but like always i will navigate it perfectly and at the end of the day i will always get what
i want in one way or another. "your privacy goes out the window when youre a threat to yourself or others." yaaaa... shuddup. whatever you guys say. ill play along for a little while.





121220
i realize i havent mentioned i removed myself from bridget brody and brooke. i dont even think ive mentioned brooke before, thats how unimportant she was.
im glad i dont have to present myself for them anymore. i heard that they talk about me often. good.





121020
niko. are you really dismissing [redacted]? that easily? i cant tell. & i cant ask you either. at least not right now. my dad already suspects we're 'pulling the wool over
his eyes' just so we're allowed 2 talk which is...pretty spot on on my part. ideally none of this would have happened & things wouldve went as planned.





120720
my dearest niko. it has been seven days without you. i feel empty. i am high on acid. aOH MY FUCKING GOD YOURE HOME ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
WHATS GOING ON. TEXT ME. WHAT THE FUCK!




120520
im gonna go home & down this fuckin redbull. - ok no i made coffee first. well.. today is the first day that i feel as if im out of tears.
all i can do is wait. however, fabio snapchatted me. i responded... not the best decision. but, he opened it & didnt respond so..idc...my niko, i cant wait to marry you.
you know this wont separate us right? right? please text me soon. i cant WAIT to see you listening to music on spotify. i cant wait to spend years, my whole life with you.
these few months are a very small dent in our life together. i love you i love you i love you niko. please be well. please come home.





120420
i ache. i ache so badly. this hurts so bad. all i want is to be with niko. i hurt so bad. i hurt so so so so so bad. i cant think about anything else. where are you. are you okay?....
& yknow..hahhh... all in time all in time! but i FUCKING miss him. i KNOW that we will make it through. but god damn this is awful.

"i hate everyone!, its so easy. i wouldnt do it if i rly didnt care." - i hate everyone : msi

i am in so much pain. it wont go away. i cant feel like this for months. its 5pm now. i still feel like hell. i cant wait for this all to be over. to just smoke a joint with him.
kiss him. for everything to be okay & over with. i just want him to be okay & not fucking hate me. i miss him so much. i hurt. my whole body hurts. & i have to go to julia's tonight.
its her birthday.. i fear i wont be much fun. i almost feel bad. i also think i saw karlie on the road today. i was already crying but it sure did not help.





120320
today, friends, was the worst day. nikos mom is smarter than i bargained for. she read our FUCKING MAIL? WHORE. best part though? my dad doesnt rly believe her.
err...all of this is so fragile. i spent all day crying and fretting but..the more i think about it..i dont think i should worry. my niko loves me. hes better than this. he is smart like me.
we will find a way. nothing is going to keep us apart forever. [redacted] hes gonna be locked up for a good while. i feel like im dying already. but i will deal with it.
& i will wait for my niko for years if thats what it will take. i am so incredibly broken & worried over this. but everything will work out for me, it always fucking does.
i have a psych eval on december 31st but you bet im lying my ass off. & no more therapy, said too much. [redacted] & they said i shouldnt talk to niko at all anymore.
LOLLL sure... fucking whores, all of you. i just need to keep reminding myself that i am 100% smarter than all of you. i just cant stop thinking about my baby going through all of this
for me. for us. but i trust him. hes loyal to me, theres no doubt in my mind. but these next few months are going to SUUUUUUCK. so. so much. stay tuned everyone~~~
so much to come. stay excited. this is all part of their plan. our fate. fate fate fate fate. i will fuckin ace this. yr all so wrong. i will always skate my way out of shit. until i die.
good luck to us all. lets have some fun ☆

on another note. i want to fucking die. i miss him. i cant go months without him. i cant be without him for long. i dont know what to do. my niko. my baby.
please come home. please come back. please please please please please please please please please i need you i need you i need you i need you i need you.
FUUUUUCK i miss him.... i cant handle this.





120220
i was right. his mom texted me a few nights ago. hes inpatient. my baby. five to ten days without you. this is hell already. i hope youre out by the weekend.
ive been writing to you in my phone notes as well. your mom didnt text last night. i miss you so fucking much. i hope you dont meet anyone cooler than me in there.
ive been occupying myself per usual. texting cal. found vinces number but im not that desperate lol. ahh.. i miss my niko. my niko. my niko. my niko ♡ ♡ ♡ im waiting so patiently...
id wait years for him. five to ten days...please cooperate so its only five. what else? been cuttin. therapy today. i can never tell if im looking forward 2 therapy or not.
hahaha. nikomila fans of the future, let this whole ordeal be a lesson to you all! DO NOT, EVER, PLAN YOUR SHIT OVER THE INTERNET. GOD PLEASE.
i KNOW how insanely tempting it is but it NEVER WORKS.

god therapy sucked. said too much. i need niko back NOW.





113020
i am an





112820
looking @ pictures of





112720
yesterday the fbi





112020
i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM
3 MONTHS





111120
today, like yesterday, has felt very weird. this morning i was thinking lots about sol. then i thought about rina. then dylan & eric. i had therapy today. boy do i lie well! ^u^
after therapy i was hit with some major [REDACTED.] its drives me fucking crazy every time. i want to cut open someones chest & drink from it. i want to shove my hand
into a chest cavity & fuck it with my whole arm. i wanna touch a heart while its still beating and crush it between my hands. i want to pull someones eyes out & spit in the sockets.
but GOD do i want to stab someone to death. to sit on someone & just stab all of my frustration into their chest & neck. fuck fuck fuck i want to rip people APART.
it makes me foam at the mouth. [redacted] i might go make myself throw up now. brb.





111020
[redacted] today is cold & lonely. thats all. today is also quiet. everything feels weird. i feel hopeless. its been three days without my abilify.
i feel stupid. when i read back my writing i realize how choppy & robotic i sound. forgive me.





110220
good morning.





110120
new day, new thoughts.





103120
& so we begin again! i apologize for the inconsistency of my writing. im scattered across so many platforms. notebooks & websites. i dont know if ive
been hard to follow up until this point but i hope to stay organized now. i ALSO apologize for my writing, i just applied fake nails for the second time in
my life. i suppose i should introduce myself. my name is mila marie [redacted], i'll be seventeen on december twenty-second & [redacted] with my soulmate niko ♡
i live in [redacted] with my dad ever since my mom died in february of 2018. i attempted suicide on the night of new years day 2018 & sometime between april & may 2018.
i tried to overdose & hang myself. ive been hospitalized thrice at two different locations. i am diagnosed with depression, social anxiety & dissociative identity disorder. this is a 'polite'
way of saying multiple personalities. i have five alters besides myself. hayden, adrian, lu, rain & james. i have been to countless therapists. i used to take paxil. i am currently on zoloft &
abilify. sometime in early 2019, i became infactuated with the columbine shooters. i had been in love with the manson family at least a year prior, but nothing had taken ahold
of me like columbine. i changed almost every aspect of myself, as i felt like this is what i'd needed for a long time. i even dyed my hair purple in summer 2018 in an attempt to
'reinvent myself' but NOTHING worked like learning about dylan and eric. as a result of this, i lost the friends i had at the time. this was step 1: get rid of everyone that pissed me off.
doing so left me with one friend, julia. mind you julia couldnt





101920
hello world. it feels like far longer than 7 days ago that i wrote last. im high. really want coffee rn but i dont feel like making it and my dad is sleeping in
because he has a headache. ive grown to like these kinds of mornings. god.. i really want coffee.. im gonna go make it. seeya





101220
i love niko so very much. it makes my head hurt sometimes. i didnt know this was real. i thought it was a trope. an aesthetic or something. the whole 'crazy
in love' thing. god its so real. im always thinking about him throughout the day but there are times where i get so INTO how INTO him i am & it feel like
its driving me crazy. its not a bad feeling. i just. its so surreal. overhwhelming. nothing like this ever lasts but nothing has ever felt like this. so i cant really
compare it to anything. and thats uncomfortable for me. to not be able to relate one experience to another. im outside my comfort zone with him but ive been
asking to be taken out of my comfort zone for so long. and now that im here its like. whag the fuck. its new. i dont know. im over analyzing. it makes my head
fuzzy. i just want to make him happy. he deserves to be happy and i want to make him happy and if thats the only thing i can do right then i would be okay and
fulfilled and i wouldnt need anything else. im literally crying as im typing this what the fuck is wrong with me. im literally going to scare him away. with my luck.





100820
helllooo everyone. if you havent picked up on it, some of these entries are written on paper and then typed into my neocities later. i like doing that, i think i
literate myself better when im writing as opposed to typing. im listening to reptile by NiN now. i am very happy right now. happy doesnt feel like the word?
content maybe. no.. even that sounds wrong. i just.. i feel like im handling myself well. things are back to the way i wanted them to be and i am so grateful.
appearance wise im not doing perfectly but emotionally i feel.. alright. here i am jinxing myself. eh. i love my boyfriend. i can handle anything with him. or
at least it feels like i can, i havent exactly tested that theory yet.





100720
theres a balance somewhere. between being this normal idealized couple that we appear to everyone as. & the wretched fuckers we know that we are. spider
gang couple right? ideal tcc couple. we live with this weight. [redacted] its not a bad weight. but it is heavy and it is silent and if you speak of it everything
will go wrong. so we are quiet. we are quiet until the day we will be all you hear about. we disappear from school. various friend groups. you probably havent
heard our name in years. one day we will be impossible not to hear. you will see everything you contibuted to. [redacted] i hope it eats away at you. i hope i
haunt you in every way possible. you will know im free & you will take on all of my pain. i am collecting my hurt. for everyone i fuck over. all of these
indescribable emotions are going to be shoved down your fucking throat. & i hope it makes you sick.

we, the scum of the earth, happier than anyone in the world. what did we do to deserve this fate? its not that im unhappy with it, but why us? why were we
given [redacted]? again dont get me wrong, its a blessing. but why? why why why. answers to be found in another place at another time. but i cant help but
wonder, you know?





100320
i constantly feel misrepresented by myself. i can never convey exactly what im thinking or feeling sufficiently. its driving me even crazier, i think. it doesnt
help that my face and body and hair never look the way i feel they should either. urgh. what else. new blackpink album. loona comeback soon. hanging out
with julia and her friend tomorrow. i blew blake off a few weeks ago. i dont feel too bad about it but it was worth mentioning. i hate food. im hungry rn but i
am not going to eat. my dad is making me a spaghetti squash for dinner so ill wait. i am stuck in my body and theres no use whining about it because it will
be this way until i die. all i can do is try to look the way i feel. it never works but trying is all i can do. i bought makeup for the first time in forever. that doesnt
help as much as id hoped. i look better in pictures with makeup on but irl i still look like THIS. makeup is cakey. makeup isnt how people really look. i hate
when people dress up every single day. i do it occasionally to remind myself i Can look decent but i hate when people wear makeup every fucking day. do you
hate yourself so bad that you cant even look at yourself? and again. hypocricy. but im doing bettter with my hating my SELF. i hate the way i look but im
thankful for having the brain thts in my head. it gets overwhemling sometimes but if i was mindless and ignorant. id hate all aspects of me. the way i think
is a pro, not a con.





100120
today has felt so weird. theres an impending feeling around me.





092920
morning, its about 10 AM. been awake for an hour. on school but i havent gotten anything done. been working on tumblr and listography and things. oh yeah
im back on listo cause of niko. i almost forgot it existed. but carrd has a content limit that i cant stand so i think im trying to come back to neocities and listo.
i need somewhere to keep track of myself besides pinterest and instagram. and tumblr. god.. why do i need so many different platforms to express myself?
and still i feel misrepresented. misrepresented by myself! i want so badly to express myself through art or music but nothing ever suffices. i cant stand it. this
feeling of... idk. what even is this feeling? trapped? no. i have as much freedom as im comfortable with. i just feel misplaced. niko still sleeping. or on school
but he usually texts me first. i dont mind either way, i just miss him.





092820
hahahahahaha heelllloooo. anyone miss me? maybe? damn its been two months exactly since ive updated this. got a boyfriend!!!! god is he fucking amazing.
i was so against the idea of a relationship but he really didnt give me any other choice. he was persistant. combined with not being able to stop thinking about
him. i pretty much called him out which forced him to 'confess'. im so happy everything worked out better than i'd imagined. he will not let me live down
blocking him and ghosting him for two weeks though. both situations were pure fear though. RAW FEAR. and i dont fear a lot. the idea of getting close to
someone right now was the complete opposite of what i thought i wanted. but he understands me? he explains myself for me and he gets what im trying to say
even if i cant say it the right way. and even now i feel like im not wording any of this correctly. i am in a constant state of frustration caused by the inability to
fucking EXPLAIN myself. and i dont need to with him. all of this in just over a month. the next years are beyond my comprehension. we want to try to get him
to ohio by april to come see kmfdm with me. how cute would that be? columbine couple meets at kmfdm concert. it'd be perfect. we're mailing each other letters,
whenever we get to it. hes mailing me a sweater. and we're both collecting bottles of our blood for each other. we try to watch a movie every weekend. its like a
dream. or a movie. this is something i didnt know happened in real life. and you probably think im young love lovestruck and ill calm down or whatever. but
youre so so wrong. this will never die down and i will spend the rest of my life with this new-fresh-young love excitment in my chest.

now that im reading these entries, i realize that i never mentioned ive cut ties with vince and fabio. i tried to talk about them as little as possible but i am not in
contact with them anymore. im listening to dylans playlist right now. i wish i had to capacity to get into my head right now. im high. and kind of tired. i really
love my boyfriend more than anything in the world.





090920
this will never work if you dont get serious about it.





090120
its been a week now that im thinking about hurting myself. i cant DO THIS. please oh my fucking god let me kill myself. "i wish you were in a real school"
I FUCKING KNOW. I KNOW YOU WANT A NORMAL KID. I KNOW I STRESS YOU OUT. I STRESSED MY MOM OUT TOO. SO, WHY, IF I CAUSE
SO MANY PROBLEMS, WHY WONT ANYONE LET ME FUCKING DIE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD FOR? I FORGOT WHT TIME MY THERAPY
WAS TOMORROW & SUDDENLY THAT MEANS ILL NEVER KEEP A JOB BC I CANT REMEMBER TIMES. I FUCKING FORGOT. YOU NEVER FORGET
ANYTHING? I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS ON MY MIND. SORRY. AGAIN. EVERYONE WISHES I WAS NORMAL. NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL. FUCK
ALL OF YOU. YOURE WASTING SO MUCH TIME & MONEY. I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF. NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, NOT THIS MONTH.
BUT IT WILL HAPPEN. AND YOU WILL CRY. YOU WILL CRY EVERY TEAR YOU YELLED AT ME FOR.

thought i was done writing but im still shaking so i guess not. im THIS fucking close to ripping my thigh open with my fingernails. yeesh i swear a lot. whatever.
i feel better. still need to cut though. ok, just got yelled @ again - twice in the same morning! this time it was for not rising my coffee cup! and again about the job thing.
"i cant wait until you get a job & keep forgetting things. youll be out of there so fast."...like...okay. well if thats the case... im not even going to apply. again, if you have
so little faith in me, why do you want me here? im not trying to be dramatic. i am so serious. i will LEAVE. at any minute of any day.

"you act like its no big deal!, you cant do a fucking thing until you pass 10th grade!" I KNOW. I DONT THINK ITS A BIG DEAL? REALLY?
"this is why i want you in a real school" I FUCKING KNOW, "wake up at 7 like everyone else" ??? IM HAPPY IM GETTING OUT OF BED AT ALL.
NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.





08??20
i want to kill myself. im stupid and incapable of everything. nobody believes me. everyone thinks im exagerating. everyone mocks me. everyone says they want
me to get better. but i get mocked for crying. mocked for dissociating. mocked for fidgeting. yelled at for whatever the fuck. i know its no ones fault but mine.
you LOOOOVE to remind me its my fault. so why wont anyone let me fucking kill myself. i have no interest in getting better. im on meds & in therapy for my family.
its such an incredible waste of time. and money. why should i want to learn to drive. so we can spend more money on gas? insurance? why are you so eager to waste
your time on me. i said this years ago & i'll say it again. i want everyone to leave me alone. i dont like it here, i dont want to be here, im not happy here. let me pass.
i want quiet. stop fucking yelling PLEASE. i want a gunshot to be the last thing i hear, ever. then quiet. forever. i have nothing to contribute. i like school shooters and
the boston bombers for gods sake. the manson family comforts me more than my own. what could someone like me possibly give to anyone. im selfish. im bitter. we
driven away majority of my friends. on purpose too. like i said, i want 2 be LEFT ALONE. i sound so 'waa waa pity me im suicidal and bitchy' but this doesnt go away??
why wont it fucking go away? AND NO ONE BELIEVES ME!! because theres no way to describe it! "im suicidal" "why" "idk i just want to die" like its a goal or
something. to die one day. much better sooner than later. i want to be in control and i want it to be the last thing i do. GOD & cutting dont even get me started. why the
hell cant i cut myself? i never go deep enough 2 bleed out. it makes me happy. i love blood. i love touching blood. im not hurting anyone (but myself). why am i being
deprived of something so small that makes me feel so much better. FUCK FUCK FUCK the feeling passed but my statement remains.





08??20
im going to kill myself. i dont know when or how but im going to kill myself & its going to be my final "fuck you", i refuse to live with my head & my head
refuses to change. i cant live with being told i dont deserve to speak. im being hit in the side of the arm, saying youre going to, & i quote, "punch the glasses
off my face if i do that again"? do what? make a mostake? and you know what. i dont care. please for the love of YOUR god, hit me. i know you want to.
"when i do stupid stuff".. according to you thats everything i do. i dont care. everything passes so quickly, i'll get over this in 15 minutes but what DOESNT
pass is the fact no one & i mean no one can prevent the inevitable. medicate & therapy all you want, I WILL NOT PASS A CERTAIN AGE. FUCK ALL OF YOU.





08??20
i need to cut really bad. i can actually feel my leg tingling. its the only thing that takes the tenseness away. i dont know what else to do. i can feel it in my chest
like i need to vomit. why doesnt it go away. i distract myself but it doesnt go away & i need to bleed really really bad. i dont want to fucking be here. everyone
claims they want me better but show none of it. let me die god damn it. how much longer are you all going to put up with me. stooooooop. please. let this happen.
better now than when im older. its happening either way, sorry.
STOP PROLONGING ME
I WILL NEVER BELONG HERE
I AM GOING TO DIE YOUNG
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE





072820
brains been buffering. not much to say. stopped taking my zoloft for a few days but the headache wasnt worth it. plz stand by!





072520
for so long we begged for their understanding. one by one they mke an effort & one by one we realize that we were wrong. its not a matter of understanding.
they cant help themselves, moreso than us. differences that cant be accounted for. adjusted to. understood. we are not the same in every possible sense.

frustration you cant shake. its the dullest softest pain fathomable. longing to quit & trudging along until the opportunity arrises... again: do it your fucking self.





071820
good morning my name is tokyo just like a window im here to air it out BARK. woke up next to dylann roof this morning, jealous?





071720
whoever unfollowed me ur moms a hoe. gonna add a bunch of entries from 2019 & such. they should be at the bottom of this page, & if they arent, they
will be soon. actually maybe not i cant find anything that still resonates with me grr





071620
HII so..... my brain is malfunctioning again. brody told us her 'bigcon'! which wasnt that bad at all. i love peegirl for peegirl.. regardless. ive been feeling
super weird lately so thats why i havent written, but its passing a bit.

its about 7pm now, i need to talk about reb & vodka. because FUCK has twitter taken away way too much of their sentimentality for me. all the jokes
and roleplayers and claiming cases and fucking KINNIES. OHGGHGOD THE ERIC KINNIES. while i do love to believe in reincarnation, not all of
you are eric harris. who i am to say where reb is right now. but he is not inhabiting a couple handful of mentally ill preteens. the point of all this is!!!!
they are so..... how do i word this... powerful? even that sounds like an understatement. complain all you want about how divided or dumb the tcc has
become but dont dismiss the impact that all of these people have had on us. theres a FRENCH tcc. portuguese tcc. ARABIC TCC? and tons more ill
never meet. but all of these people, no matter what platform theyre on, no matter who theyre friends with, no matter whose guts they hate, we've all
connected with one case or another. thats what some of you need to realize!! this isnt about you!! the tcc isnt supposed to be your safe space. we're here
because something these people have said or done has touched a nerve in us and we felt the need to network with similar people. the need to network
with similar people..hmm.. sounds like a natural human instict. right! literally everyone does this whether its for social reasons, career reasons, religion,
ANYTHING. on the internet 'fandom' is the name this has been given. 'tcc' in our case. what i think makes the tcc different though is the weight of our
common interests. im sure most of us has had to go through the phase of 'wow. people were killed and im admiring their murderer'. because. yeah. its
fucked up, dont deny that. this is where we divide... oooooohh..... condoning. to that i say fuuuuuuck yooooou bro because if you lovepost abt someone
YOU FUCKING CONDONE & i will not change my mind. i simply do not fw noncondoners. if someone were to explain to me maybe.. how you can say
you LOVE eric or dylan or dylann or vlad and ALSO think they were wrong for killing. until the day someone can justify that, youre all delusional, and
not the good kind of delusional. as the man himself said, "just because your mommy and daddy told you blood and violence is bad, you think its a fucking
law of nature?" these people were angry. they were cornered. they lashed out. boohoo yknow? did it affect you? did your unborn fetus mourn rachel scott
the day it happened? then shut the fuck up. to the people it did affect, yeah, sorry, terrible things happen and one of them happened to you. the world does not
stop spinning because someone you love got shot. this is just my personal lack of empathy. ive known people who physically cannot stop themselves from feeling
secondhand pain & get genuinely upset over other peoples misfourtunes. i!! hate it! i hate it because i dont understand it. and heres more hypocrisy. i live by 'dont
hate what you dont understand'. its a great rule. but i cant wrap my head around caring SO deeply for another person. of course i care for my friends and family
but if something bad were to happen to them thats not.... my PROBELMSFHW that sounds so bad.. but.. i get so beaten down so easily that i dont really think i
can afford to take on sadness for anyone else. my brain is alllll over the place. you think i have the energy to worry about another persons brain too? take care of
your damn selves... i care about you to the extent that i want you to be okay & happy & i wish you well, but if you DONT take care of yourself.... i am not going
to do it for you. and im not going to feel bad for your lack of self sustainability.





070820
i had therapy at 3 this afternoon. it went well. it is 7pm now. i killed a butterfly today. i dont want to go into detail though. umHM.. groupchat rebellion
going on rn. bridget finally made the unspoken-but-needed girls chat. girls as in.. just us three. kinda made me.. happy. like to be thought of as a part of
our own minigroup.. we havent talked much outside the gc until now but ifjcodojsdchfudscju its just so scary having people i like again.





070720
i LOVE my FRIENDS. even when i feel detached from them i like having them there. myesha and i are getting more comfortable corresponding with each
other. shes from the UK, 15 i believe. i enjoy her company! i think meeting her was the only positive thing to come from my twitter era. brody left me my
first guestbook message. i would commit so many crimes for you peegirl. i have to muster up the energy to reply but when i tell you that made my week....
the faggotry... pls know that the feeling is totally mutual!! knowing you two has given me some incentive not to delete my online footprint and become the
hermit i was born to be. like i may have said before, i have so many lifepaths going on in the case that one or more of them break off or fail in any way. i kid
you not if the day comes where i dont go out with vince & fabio & hope, i will glady triple suicide with you. we can heavens gate that shit. but like prettier
and with a more complex meaning. .. . mini menhera suicide cult.. i like it.





070520
sooo i watched lolita last night. finally. it was free on youtube, the 1997 version, so i laid in bed from 10pmish to after midnight & watched the whole thing.
the rest of this entry has been redacted for legal reasons





070120
hello! long time. lots has happened. whether theyre legit things or just self-made & resolved interpersonal issues, beats me.
i dont feel like rambling about the last three months, but theyve been very important.





070320
hello, 9:01pm friday july third. last few days have been weird mentally but its kind of exciting. its like i need to live some massivley underwhelming double life.
since i decided to completley blur the line between online persona and the way i act irl, its been a little less like a double life. i adopted my online persona to the
fullest extent and deny everything i stood for between ages 10-14/15. its easier than you may think but that might just be me & my head. but while i can ignore
who i used to be, it doesnt change the fact that it happened. [more redacted] to jump to another topic, i love my friends. im upset ive been putting off getting on
call but i try to be in the gc as much as possible but that comes off as clingy. whatever. bridget brody and i have decided our backup-backup plan will be going
off the grid together and overdosing on heroin. ive never entertained the thought. i hate heroin, its never peaked my interest at all. but as a method of suicide
its something 2 consider. i could gush & gush about how much i love that i finally have people i can joke about this stuff with. i say joke very lightly.. but you
know. id love to spend a week together with them. do a bunch of fun shit and treat ourselves and then DIE. i just think that the week of fun would make
me less suicidal so i dont know how easy thatd be. we would have to all have mental brekadowns and the same time and just pump that shit into each other. hypo-
thetically though. 10:17 now. smoking :) brody and this person named ash were in the gc a bit ago but i think brody went to work on her neocities too. bonding
activity..OH and fabio asked me earlier if i wanted to call him and play L4D while vince was working and i kind of just ghosted him. i feel bad, i like fabio a lot.
we're both fairly quiet on call though so idk how fun that would be. playing games while talking always helps though. grrr i shouldve done it.. ive been ghosting
julia as well. i think i told her i was coming over tomorrow. i want to go smoke more and go on pinterest or something. пока





062620
heyo! 12:27pm friday. holy shit its the 26th already.. eugh. the last two days have been great. two days ago we cut the grass, i took a shower, then maddi came and
took me to get my eyebrows threaded! ive never had them threaded before. it was a shop up in sharonville run by a lil indian girl. maddi said that it hurt, but nothing
worse than a tattoo. which, i loved the tattoo pain lol. we smoked on the way to & from of course. maddis had good weed lately, i actually think G is buying off of her
soon.. shouldnt rly be talking about that here. anywho. then we went to a crystal shop in struthers. they had fuckinnnn crystals, necklaces, tarot cards, ouija boards, and
a ton of these lil sculptures of cats, fairies & whatever else. ive strayed so far from the whole witchy-ness aesthetic-vibe-type-thing. it doesnt suit me but its still comforting.





062220
hello i am high. last night i fell asleep crying about the manson family. i love lynette so very much. i talked to brody for a second last night, it was nice. she is very silly.
theyre all so easy to interact with. its scary actually. its been so long since i had.. reciprocating friends. i have julia but i admittedly take her for granted. i love her so so
much but im not exactly scared of losing her. i dont think she could cut me off if she wanted to.. i say that but that might just be my ego. im her best friend i think. i HOPE.
shes mine, thats for sure. but we dont have much in common anymore. we grew a lot as people together and we've been consistant friends through a shitton of things but
the deeper i get into 'true crime' & extremism the less i know how to act around her. around anyone for that matter. i know its my fault, i know its me changing, not anyone
else. thats what happened with karlie. thats what happened with lara. but now, as im making friends with similar beliefs, its like.. what can i possibly do to drive these freaks
away from me? i say freaks as lovingly as possible. and its not like i WANT to drive them away from me, fuck no. but every friendship has ended due to some aspect of my
personality. everything in time i suppose, i dont spend much time worrying about it but its always in the back of my mind. especially when i dont call for a day or two or miss
a big conversation while im sleeping. those things are bound to happen but theyre not things that im used to.

hi! its 6pm now. we went out to warren today in the middle of a tornado i guess. the sirens and radio were going off but we drove through it like it was a thunderstorm. thats all
it ended up being really, someone said it touched down in lordstown but i didnt see it myself. lots of lightning, lots and lots of rain. my dads friend said i can probably work for
his catering service in august. im excited, ive been waiting to get a job. but now that its here im nervous. i guess that was expected too.. grr.. self awareness am i right? i had an
exchange with hope today in the groupchat. i made me happier than i would have expected. i dont have the desire to be her friend as much as i do with brody or puppy, but it was
nice to talk directly to each other. when i type it out like that i physically cringe at how interation-starved i am. theres no use in trying to deny it, but its pathetic and gross and i hate it.
its not like.. a reoccuring issue or anything, its not inherently bad, i just dislike it.





062120
5pm sunday. yesterday my dad and i went up to my uncles house. (his brother) and we went to the fairport harbor beach place or whatever. it was nice. i enjoy
sunlight a whole lot, but i burn so easily. my dad and i walked down to the water and back while my uncle sun tanned. we sat and talked on the bench for an hour,
in the shade, but my legs still got red. i heard a lady speaking a slavic language to her daughter and pretty quickly picked it up as russian. i couldnt really understand
any of it, but i told my dad and of course he leaned over and told her i liked her language. she said they just came to america a year ago, but her basic english was great
actually. heavy accent but thats a plus. i love the ride to and from my uncles but i dont particularly enjoy being there. ive never been close with him, we're both standoffish.
oh and he doesnt have wifi but my hotspot sufficed. brody got me back on msp ahah. its only fun cuz i used to have vip. anyway. drove home at like 7am. by 11 i was
exaushted but didnt end up taking a nap. been on the computer all day. usually i entertain myself but ive been super bored today. i need to throw myself back into columbine
& the manson family. very soon too. fight club, manson family & columbine seemed to be an unhealthy combo but i have no idea why it didnt last long. today feels incomplete?
i want to accomplish something before i sleep.





061920
hello, it is 2am currently. today went very quickly. yesterday i should say. i took a nap around one or two since i had to sleep on julias fucking sofa last night.
she always wants me to come to her house. why? i understand she doesnt want to come here all the time, but i cannot fucking sleep when im there.
either im on a couch, a cot, the floor, her BROTHERS COUCH. not to mention shes a sixteen year old girl that needs a light on to fall asleep. at least she
says she does. i dont let her do that shit at my house and she sleeps perfectly fine. she said its because her mom always asks what my house smells like.
my house smells like weed, donna. plus now julia doesnt even smoke anymore. she complains that we dont have as much fun as we did the summer of 2018
but we literally spent every other week losing our minds upstairs. she used to give me money to buy it for us and now she wont come over my fucking house.
i cant say im surprised because similar things have happened before with other people. BUT same as all the other bullshit thats thrown at me, ill deal with it.

its 4pm now. waking up was rough today for some reason but once i got up i felt better. went shopping so now theres food in the house but i havent really
decided if thats a good thing or a bad thing. got sparkling waters :) uhh i guess i should touch on the fact im back on track with my own little agenda.
i was distracted for a few months but im back and it feels good. our friend group is growing. now we have two girls my age i believe. we've had hope so its
not like im the only girl but hope and i have never really spoken. and shes older i believe, i thought i heard 23 but i could be wrong. it would be weird if vince &
fabio werent 20/21 but i enjoy the age differences. i think it gives perspective on a lot of things. and according to past experiences i dont mingle incredibly well
with people my age, let alone men. boys i should say. young men if you will. anyway. i like both girls so far, im not going to put their names here, at least not yet.
not sure why. but i also wont refer to them as peegirl & puppy lol. as cute as both names are. im going to stop writing and work on this site. до скорого.





053120
"When youre HIGH you love everybody but the secret is basically you dont give a damn. That is whats so nice! HIGH floating above like you could drop a bomb
on your own house and theres your family rushing out their clothes and hair on fire and screaming for help and you would smile because it would not touch you.
Secrets no one else knew. You cant believe the power you posses until someone instructs how to unleash it. The plan was to establish trust."
-The Corn Maiden

"the girls got a lot to be mad about.
but in the first moment of waking up she knows shes losing it."
- bell & sebastian : shes losing it





05??20
i'm a very impressionable person. i dont think theres a single aspect of me that wasnt influenced by someone or something else. this disgusts me, but it isnt something
that can be undone. theres a lot of things that im learning i have no control of. and while this may be common knowledge, i do things in extremes. the things i dont have
control over do not matter in the slightest. the things i can control, i have to take hold of 100%. i need to gauge everything by level of relevence. anything that i would
normally do by time im 18, i still need to do. ie: school, driving, job. other things such as social life have been lifted from me completely. the more people in my life,
the higher the chances of second guessing or being found out. i occupy myself. i wouldnt say that im lonely. i know its for the greater good. all i seem to do is hurt people.
so i would never encourage befriending me. that being said, many other things keep me company. music, firstly. a wide variety. my favorite as of may 2020 is ic3peak.





041820
APRIL EIGHTEENTH. mental health is weird. everything is weird. people are weird. i cant articulate anything.
twitter. cats. backyard. eve sniffing a candle. dylan klebold. eric harris. sol pais. dylann roof. rina palenkova. devi mccallion.
jeffery dahmer. richard ramirez. ted bundy. my cats. outdoors. bliss & stupidity. weekly reset of thinking.

we're not all in the same world. we are but theres so many ways of seeing things & youre all so ignorant.





021220
fantasieren uber reb an einem mittwochnachmittag.





020920
nun! heute ist viel passiert!





020820
привет!





020720
jesus fick ich bin unglaublich.





020520
ah reb, ich muss dir jetzt auf deutsch schreiben. englisch ist zu einfach für die zombies. weißt du? ich habe versucht, mir russisch beizubringen,
aber ich glaube nicht, dass ich so viel lerne, wie ich möchte. im moment konzentriere ich mich auf die aussprache, aber ich bin sicher, dass ich irgendwann verstehen werde.
ach bin ich aus irgendeinem grund mehr von russisch als deutsch angenzogen. es ist schwieriger, das sage ich dir. ich schribe dir auf deutsch, vladik auf russisch...
hatte dylan eine lieblingssprache? ich bin sicher, er hat ein interesse an deutschland wie sie, aber ich habe ihn noch nie benutzt. ich kann leider nicht auf englisch mit ihm reden.
deutsch muss für euch beide sein.





011520
REB! kmfdm is going on tour this summer. youd love it. not sure if theyre going to colorado. - fuck that train of thought. you irritate me, ty.
do you have no concept of privacy? if i say dont read my shit, dont read my shit. URRRGH NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY ! ! ! !





010920
do i smell like weed as much as i think i do? follow up question- would that be a pro or a con? hmm. turns out dakota might be the chatty middleschooler.
idk why i assumed she was a boy. oh, i sat down next to maria a second ago & her computer went haywire. the alarm-beeping noise, the YOU HAVE A VIRUS
popup- the whole shabang. i am ene enomoto *takes a bow*

hello again. its 6:41. im upset. over the plane that iran shot down because they were fuckin scared that the U.S was striking back at those other 5 missles they sent to
some bases of ours in iraq. meanwhile australia burns up. makes me sick. part of me loves it.... but it makes me... eugh.





010820
iran huh? gosh another war is juuuust what we need. fuck a war, lets all just go crazy. FUCK A WAR, WHAT WE NEED IS AN APOCALYPSE.
nuke the smaller countries and burn the bigger ones to the dirt! a world-wide reset would be beautiful. if people wanted to procreate & build society again - go ahead.
otherwise we wipe out all human life & let the world go silent again. ahh..to phase me whatsoever if people die. people that i dont know. if i dont know you, why the fuck would
i waste my energy on mourning you? thats similar to what anton lavey said once. something along the lines of "you cannot love everyone and it ridiculous to think that you can."





010420
heyo! happy new year. it is no longer декабрь. auu. missing dylann big time. gonna get fuckt tonight hyahahaaa.





122019
how symbolic. isnt everything? church bells chime in the distance as i walk to my school doors. a mockery, is what it is. like im walking to an execution.
my own? not sure. gonna be 16 in two days. crazy. girl next to me (the artsy one) has pretty handwriting. shes using different colors too.
hayden said im the only person they know that can make a 9 look like a backwards P. what does that even mean. my hand hurts.
girl's name is maria [redacted]. HAHA shes writing notes for a boy named matthew P. interesting. YOOOO tiktok lookin pretty boy's name os jayson!
quirky and definitley tiktok esque. one pretty boy left to identify! oooh ultra-violence. havent heard that in a minute! mrs remick slipping us mint m&ms. thanks.





121419
stupid stupid stupid as always. reb & vodka continue to teach me things. new emotions. im in yet another weird place. i cant stand the way i look.
i need to catch up with school but my head is in a million places. im almost 16, gross. i cant believe im still here. i hate this. is this the
awareness they spoke of? it comes in waves of varying intensity. an invisible burden. not me, but this. i dont know what THIS is.
the outside is so dreary now. mocking me. self loathing is such a weak feeling. i really need to quit it. the doom soundtrack fuckin bangs btw.





121119
eugh. sitting at a table with two middle-schoolers makes me shake like a leaf. pathetic. yuck yuck yuck! i cant stop!
& my hair wont cooperate. why do i always feel like everyone is looking @ me? they arent. "geeeawd!" george harrison boy is here again.
cant stop glancing @ him & i dont even know his name. gahh we're both wearing ringssss.

*writes* this is not my writing. #HAYDEN: hi ⚝~

MOTHERFUCKER I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER HHGNGFFF UCKING I AM IMMESURABLY DUMB. urrgh....
i also spoke very breifly w/ the girl across from me but.... I CANT BELIEVE I STOPPED HIM IN THE HALL. I CANT BELIEVE MYSELF!!!!





120619
maddie and dylan are getting my head back on the right track. i didnt buy these for no reason.





111519
am i really going to cry about eric harris at 9:30AM. they dont test for what ive got, connie. they rly do not.
girl pretty. boy pretty. aah. pretty girl's name is kiera [redacted].





110119
boy: *comes within maybe 5ft of me*
me: hey baby u wanna [redacted] ;)
joking.. joking. but the entrance didnt look like it had metal detectors and no one checks bags.





103119
oh reb, how did you get your hands on [redacted]? i wish you wrote it down.





103019
in austintown! just did abt 3hrs of school here. boring as hell but its easier to focus. as always, [redacted]. lotta white girls though.
and im one of them, hah! oh update. [redacted]. idc hics like guns either way.





102919
didnt go to school today like the fucking dissapointment that i am. ive been bullshitting the last three weeks with zero consiquence other than my own brain.
i have this idea that school is lifes ultimatum or something. its not. its important maybe but it really isnt the be all and end all. get that out of your head!





102819
well. i guess now is as good a time as any. im writing again. for what - i dont know. it feels right. i read some of R+V's journals tonight.
part of me wants to verbaitim a bunch of their writings into the second book. but i also want to use it as a continuation for when i run out of space in here.
i dont really want my first attempt at transcribing my head to be written in a hot pink pocketbook. there were no good dark notebooks at motherfucking DOLLAR TREE.
i want to hold out for a better book to write in. but i need to get thoughts down while theyre still fresh. on my period. breaking out. beyond mad about it.
i wanted to call volume two a 'new bible' but ive decided against it. i hate the bible so i want my collection to have no affiliation with it. lavey did that though.
the satanic bible is a thing. i dont think ive hit the point where i identify as my own religion just yet. its a work in progress. im still laveyan. i need to sleep now.
im going to the ~schoolhouse~ tomorrow. at least theybe got cute walls. ill start volume two tomorrow, reb wouldnt want someone trying to reword his writings.
instead ill quote him word for word. because "if no one quotes you, you probably havent said a thing worth saying."