Don't feel like writing much, so I'll write this asap.

I am 22 yo male,

I think it's time to acknowledge the fact that I find underage girls attractive. Not exclusively, though (if that's any relief)

I have this weird dilemma: I condemn child abuse of any kind, and even debate against pedos and lolicon apologists, but I also enjoy and fantasize watching that content. I don't feel proud nor sattisfied with today's results, but because of the lack of talking about this issue, I came to just accept it and kept it within the privacy of my myself, my imagination, and sexual fantasies. Only a couple people know I watched CP at some point, and there's only one person in this world to whom I've confessed to 'being able to find underage girls sexually attractive'.

Al of this started becoming a problem recently, like around 17-18 yo, and my guess is that this was triggered by a sum of factors such as: sexually-frustrated teenagehood, Intraversion, loneliness, and especially exposure to CP from an early age.

You see, since the very first time I fad access to the internet (around 13 i guess), one of the things I did was use it for porn. Due to personality and christian family background, as well as very immature character, I was pretty naive, innocent and childish, even during my teenage years, which translated into me searching for things such as "nude vagina", "nude teen sex", "boy and girl doing love", "kid and teenager sex". Pure cringe mate. I know. Specially bc I was practically searching for CP lmao, and little did I know that was illegal. Eventually I landed on a hentai site that posted small clips with very generic but descriptive titles. My favorite ones were, of course, the ones featuring characters that looked underage, including lolicon and shotacon. Eventually, my preferences were a mix of everything, both hentai and porn or whatever. I even got to sexting and Pokemon sex roleplay at some point. However, despite being pretty horny, sex in real life was not a possibility, even less in a religious school, and over protective parents.

Years later, when I was 14-15, I found myself in latinamerican Facebook groups full of 'autism', trolls and edgy teenagers trying to be "polemic". Due to my impressionable and immature self, I came to like the community, and the many obscure clips and memes they passed around (E.g. conspiracy theories, UFO sightings, paranormal activity, gore, car accidents, etc). And just like you thought, CP was also shared on the comments and through FB chat, in the form of "zeldas" and "packs", basically links to .zip or .rar files uploaded to MEGA or any other cloud service. As a morbidly curious child, I went to download them and skim through the Gigabyte-size folders. Somehow, at that age, I was still stupid enough to think "meh, whatever". From there I started to grow some sort of mild obssesion of collecting CP, of any kind, not just the ones I got to like, but ANYTHING I came accross. (Thinking about it, I do and did exhibit obssesive behavious over many things, CP-collecting was just one of them)

Eventually I came to realize it was wrong, and soon engaged in a frenzy of reporting any link, FB group, website, blogspot entry, MEGA file, to their respective web moderators and submitting tips to the FBI and other child protection agencies of different countries. However, as relieved as I felt because of my deeds and as noble they coud have been, I also enjoyed watching or downloading that content in the mean time.

My midly obssesive relationship with the internet started when I finished school and then when I failed college, leaving behind childhood friends, and friendships which could've potentially lasted for a lifetime. For a while I kind of directed this 'obssesion' into researching the origin of shocking content (such as the recent 1444 video), and memes. (Before, I used to be perfectionist over my med studies and focused on small, unnecesary details on fields such as anatomy, phisiology. So there's an antecedent). However, this behaviour was then redirected to CP. I grew this disgusting curiosity about the context of CP material. I know many things. Too many things for my own sake.

Obscure massive child abuse case Kainsai Enkou on early 2000s in Japan?

Yes, as well as the fate of the victims and the perpetrator

(I swear, Japan internet users dissapoint me when it comes to discussion about consent. Up to the 90s nude child modeling was allowed, and let's not talk about U-15 Junior models...)

Underage Instagram models who have made photo sets of the same suggestive nature as borderline CP magazines such as Candydoll, Newstar, and LS studio?

Yep, and many of their closed accounts can be traced to harrassment.

Today I like searching for suggestive underage model sets from time to time, but my... I have a lot of that content. I'm in the process of abstaining myself from it, and beginning to delete it little by little. Sigh...I just hope one day to be able to focus again on another more productive thing when this pandemic ends. And then maybe in the future I'll calm the fuck down by dating a young looking woman and make her dress and roleplay as a loli or something. Idc about the future at this point.

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk. Pedophiles are disgusting, especially when they try to defend themselves, and any abuse cannot and shouldn't be justified with semantics, being sorry or any other roundabout. Any support or advice on how to handle this is accepted. Criticism as well, I mean it is expected, but unnecesary at this point because I already know it's bad and won't ever act upon it. I'm just tired of living such a shitty almost-shut-in lifestyle, with no job, no studies, and unhealthy obssesion with this particular issue.

Hope my writing isn't that bad and Have a good day I guess