my story

I debated writing this for a very long time.

My relationship ended with George in May 2017. It was not the best relationship and I went through a lot of stuff during that time period as well. He has since apologized and we have found closure.

I went to an event and met up with Chris there. I told him everything that had happened in my previous relationship. Chris took it upon himself to immediately call up friends. That same night, while George was out, we gathered up all my things and swiftly moved everything to the offlinetv house. I remember feeling a little scared, nervous, and sad.

That's roughly when I joined offlinetv. Chris offered up his room for me as well, and he became my manager. I was so grateful, and I still am, to this day, for introducing me to what I consider a second family. I enjoyed his company and I felt like I had someone genuinely looking out for me. It was all very new and exciting. I felt myself getting better and better every day since the break up.

That same month, Chris gave me an opportunity for a sponsorship in Taiwan. I wanted to know who else would go. He told me Scarra would go as well, so I agreed to the sponsorship. A week before flying out to Taiwan, I found out Scarra couldn't go, but I had already signed the contract.

Chris and I flew to Taiwan by ourselves. Nevertheless, I found the opportunity exciting. I was vlogging. We went to night markets. We had good food. And we drank one night.

When it was time to go back, we dropped our friend off, and headed to our hotel rooms. I was very drunk, and so was he. I tried looking for my hotel card key and couldn't find it, so he said to just come over to his room, which was right next door.

I went to his room instead, and he told me I could rest for while on his bed. I agreed, and laid down.

This is really hard to write.

I remember the lights turning off, and I remember him taking off his pants. I remember him next to me, legs and arms wrapped around me. It was like that for hours. I remember his legs were hairy and I remember how disgusted I felt.

In the morning, he acted like nothing was wrong. I was confused. I messaged my closest friends at the time crying, because it felt wrong and weird. I got depressed again. He noticed something felt off and messaged me first, claiming he did not remember much because he was drunk. We exchanged a few emails. I told him how disappointed and sad I was. He told me he was in a long distance relationship, he was engaged, and he was going through problems too.

The flight back was silent.

The house had no idea why I avoided Chris after that. Why I could never make eye contact with him without cringing because I vividly remembered that night. I changed my manager because I couldn't stand looking at him. I didn't know what to do. I was new there. I thought if I pushed it down, I could get over it. I didn't want to cause problems.

He called a house meeting one day in June. I remember I was shaking. I was anxious. I wanted to know if he was going to tell the truth to everyone. We all sat down, and I still couldn't meet eye contact. He announced his tattoo. He was going to quit drinking forever and wanted everyone to know. He didn't say anything else. It didn't make me feel much better, to be honest.

I went to his wedding that summer. I played piano there. I became friends with Pecca afterward, and I lived with the discomfort and guilt for years. I secretly celebrated when he announced he was going to move out.

When Albert cheated on me November of last year, I spiraled into depression again. A week later, I was still hurting very badly. I drank one night. Fed came into my room and asked if I wanted a massage. I agreed. He massaged my legs, from my feet to my upper thighs. He came to my room again, drunk, and laid on my bed. He said he liked me. He started to visit me a lot. I was confused because I always saw Fed as a good friend, and it hadn't even been two weeks since Albert cheated on me.

I gently shut him down, and started to avoid him for the next few weeks because I felt a little uncomfortable. He eventually got over it, and asked me not to tell anyone.

When the incident with Yvonne happened, I admit I minimized that too at first. To acknowledge the severity of it would force me to acknowledge what had happened to me as well with Chris. And I couldn't deny Fed had a questionable history with girls in our circle. I didn't want to confront the fact that our good friend would be capable of this. I didn't want to bring up more problems.

I see in retrospect, I have a habit of minimizing things that happen to me or even my friends. When Albert cheated on me, I initially wanted to keep that a secret to protect him. I have always seen offlinetv as a family, which is why it hurts a lot to type this out. I've seen the amount of hate Albert received, and I don't want anyone to go through that. But Yvonne's feelings and experiences are valid, and I don't want to invalidate them.

I've been reminded constantly of my own experiences these past few weeks and I feel like I've always tried to protect people to keep the peace. It bubbles up, relentlessly, again and again, and now it's all out, for good or bad. It hurts because I still care about Fed. Sometimes I live with residual sadness and resentment from the past and sometimes, I'm just not strong enough.

I wish I had said this sooner so I didn't have to bottle in so much bitterness over the years. I had friends to support me but I was too afraid and cautious back then. I hope by doing this I can fully move on with a clean slate and perhaps give perspective to others who may be going through similar things.

Thank you for reading.

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