Satan

I purchased Satan in a Warehouse Stationery just long ago enough for the warranty to have expired. I remember the moment well. There was a strange voice in my mind, a fell voice on the air. It whispered to me, seductively. It said, "Buy this HP OfficeJet Pro 7740 instead of the slightly more expensive Brother printer you came here to get."

I knew who it was. "Get behind me, Satan," I said. "I've heard HP printers are terrible."

"It's on ssssale," Satan hissed.

I bought the printer.

Once I got home I realised the printer was Satan. The devil had wormed his way into my previously happy life. It mangled and distorted precious photographic memories. It sucked entire days out of my life. I spent literal ages floundering around in Satan's sadistic guts, trying to pull my mind and memories free.

"PAPER ERROR," laughed Satan.

I prayed, begged, pleaded, wept. Satan would not relent. He mocked me. He even forced me to download the HP Smart App.

"PAPER JAM IN TRAY 2" Satan cackled.

I found myself tumbling through a demonic maelstrom of unfinished print jobs and wildly unhelpful HP help pages, filled with the anguished screams of ignored customers. I tried everything I could to get someone to exorcise the demon. The Catholics hung up on me. The Mormons ran away screaming. City Impact and Destiny listened until they worked out there was no money in it for them and then they hung up too.

Eventually an ancient shaman told me on his deathbed that the only way to get rid of Satan was to pass the curse on to someone else. So:

HP printer. Going cheap, must sell. Barely used because you can't actually use it. Doesn't possess the ability to print anything but may or may not possess you. Useless for any intended task but might come in handy for being burned in a ceremony. It has full ink cartridges which might actually be worth something? I don't care any more. Please help me.

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