Radio talk show

Welcome to this week's Chakra Attack with Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris and I am, as you have already probably ascertained by now, your host, Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris. Have we OM'ed yet, Cheryl? Have we OOMMMMM'ed?
CHERYL: Yes.
DR. RAY: You heard me go, "OOMMMMM"?
CHERYL: Yes.
DR. RAY: Well I'll take your word for it.
CHERYL: Several times.
DR. RAY: This is life! This is what we are giving you! So I'm giving you right now, I'm takin a break right now to give you this right here. OOMMMMM.
CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
DR. RAY: Ooo, you are one fine girl! I need your strength, baby, I need you here with me, stay with me girl, be conscious of what you are. That is my producer, ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl Fawkes. OOMMMMM. Cheryl, OOMMMMM with me girl, I need ya, OOMMMMM.
CHERYL: OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: High, girl, I need you, I need you to go deep now, I need you to go deeper. OOMMMMM.
CHERYL: OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: OOMMMMM.
CHERYL: OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: Come on, together together together now, come on, now! OOMMMMM. And you out there too! OOMMMMM. If I don't feel you, you can't feel me! Come on, Cheryl, one more time! OOMMMMM. That is beautiful, yes we have all, OOMMMMM. Whatever you doing, give yourself a big fat OOMMMMM. Imagine one great wave of love, one great wave of joy, a great wave of spiritual clarity! Imagine it all OOMMMMM up your thighs, like a big sticky mess of love. Imagine your soul is like a bazooka! BOOOOOM! While a balloon that a little innocent child sets free to the heavens. And the camera pans up while that balloon floats free and a swell of music plays as it soars to the heavens. Then it comes down in the ocean and a turtle eats it and it has internal hemorrhage and dies. You have killed that turtle. That's the wrong message you sending! DON'T SET THINGS FREE THAT ARE GOING TO KILL OTHER THINGS! YOU ARE ATTACKING THE WORLD IN THE WRONG WAY! Yes you are. That is not the way to live, that is not the message to send! Like a python that is too big for your house, and you set it loose in a schoolyard with children. That python's gonna wrap itself around kids and now you have caused a MESS! That is not how we do it here, Cheryl.
CHERYL: Mhm-mmm.
DR. RAY: That is NOT the circle of life. That's the circle of life that leads to DEATH! Do ya hear me, Cheryl?
CHERYL: I hear ya.
DR. RAY: I know you hear me, come on. OOMMMMM. OOMMMMM. Keep reaching for the heavens, and when you get there be careful as there is no oxygen in the heavens, in the upper reaches of the stratosphere, and you will die! I promise you, you will die. OOMMMMM. You cannot go to heaven as a human, you can only go to heaven as a DAMN ANGEL! Ya hear me? Ya hear me? OOMMMMM. And that is why heaven is filled with angels, and not living breathing people. Cause people need oxygen and there ain't no oxygen up there. It's a bit like one of those self-pleasuring choking games, where you're making love to somebody and you put your hands around their neck. They have life, but then you choke the life outta them while you pleasuring them. 
CHERYL: Oh Dr. Ray, I like those!
DR. RAY: Oh hey, most women love that.
CHERYL: I love it.
DR. RAY: You get on top of a woman, you crush her sternum, you crush her rib cage. 
CHERYL: Yes.
DR. RAY: You put your hands around her neck and you're giving it to her and taking it away. You're giving life and you're taking life away at the same time. There's two things going on here, there's a hot and a cold, you know? You're choking, but you're giving life, and feeling. Squeezing the love into them, but squeezing the life out. And let it 
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an in and an out motion going on here. You have just played the choking game! That's health. That's integration. That's what we are here to do every morning before we get started we always OOMMMMM. That's a chakra attack! Hey, Cheryl!
CHERYL: Yes, Dr. Ray?
DR. RAY: What'd I just say?
CHERYL: OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: What'd I just say one more time?
CHERYL: OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: What'd I just say?
CHERYL: OM, Dr. Ray! OM!
DR. RAY: What'd I just say? You out there, what'd I just say? What did I just say? I said OOMMMMM. BANG BANG BANG! No. That ain't the sound of me banging you.
CHERYL: Okay.
DR. RAY: That's the sound of me attacking your chakra! We're bringing Western street knowledge and Eastern spirituality together in a unified approach to contemporary integration. Such that the mind and body are one! Such that the ignorance and knowledge be one. Such that the sense and the nonsense be one. When you put sense and nonsense together, what the hell do you got? You've got some bullshit going on in your mind! That's everything mushed together in a goddamn jambalaya! Peanut butter and ice cream? Guns and butter? Ants in your damn pants? It all makes sense, because you eat peanut butter ice cream, you gonna get diarrhea! And you gonna have ants in your pants.
CHERYL: Are they eating the butter?
DR. RAY: They're eating the shit! What you think they eating? Ants eat your shit cause you gone ate that peanut butter and that damn ice cream.
CHERYL: But do the ants go up - do they crawl in your butthole?
DR. RAY: No! They just eat the shit that coming out your ass. When things don't agree with you, that's what I'm talking about. Now that's sense and that's nonsense together, and they do not agree with each other, and now they have merged and gave your ass diarrhea. Recleansing everything: mind, body and your spirits. We going big! We going all the way! Nirvana, Prudah, Valhalla, Limbo... and this being Vinewood, Bimbo, Himbo and Dumbo! Around the world and back again. You got a round trip, girl! To spirituality!
CHERYL: Okay.
DR. RAY: You got a round trip.
CHERYL: Cool.
DR. RAY: Okay?
CHERYL: Yeah!
DR. RAY: This is the full set. It's something all encompassing! Like a big compass which has everything in it. Not just a silly arrow that tells you which way to go north, but also a lot of other arrows that tell you other shit, like which way to the liquor store, or if some fool is getting fresh, or if you are at one with all mankind. A karma compass that tells you street shit and real shit. But also lots of other arrows, a whole bunch of arrows in that damn compass.
CHERYL: No, that's just - isn't that a GPS?
DR. RAY: No no no no no no. You thinking about navigation, that kind of shit in your car.
CHERYL: Yeah, the liquor store and ---
DR. RAY: But no, you see, that's where you're wrong. You ain't in a car. You're navigating on foot. You understand?
CHERYL: Ohhhhh.
DR. RAY: Now I don't know what app you got, but your mind is an app. Cheryl, you... are a damn app.
CHERYL: Whoaaa.
DR. RAY: You floating! You are floating, girl! OOMMMMM. Now say OM and you float and rise yourself off the ground right now in front of all these people on the radio.
CHERYL: Okay, all right. OMM -
DR. RAY: I wanna see - YOU BETTER RISE! OFF THE GROUND! DEFY GRAVITY RIGHT NOW!
CHERYL: Okay. OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: Cheryl just rose off her -
CHERYL: Still on the ground.
DR. RAY: She just rose off the ground.
CHERYL: I'm still on the ground. 
DR. RAY: She is floating on her spirituality right now.
CHERYL: You're not being honest.
DR. RAY: You understand? She is floating right now. This is a karma compass, everybody. 
CHERYL: Okay.
DR. RAY: That tells you street shit and real shit. It's like one of them sensors that tell you if there are aliens crawling in the ceiling and they are getting closer, and you are freaking the hell out cause you are like, "This alien gonna drop through this ceiling tile and WHOOP SOME ASS! Right, Cheryl? That damn alien gonna come through that ceiling and WHOOP SOME HUMAN AAASSSSS! Woo-doo-doo-doo, woo-doo-doo-doo, woo-doo-doo-doo, woo-doo-doo-doo, woo-doo-doo-doo, woo-doo-doo-doo, woo-doo-doo-doo, woo-doo-doo-doo. While the men is fighting the aliens, the women are in the corner crying.
CHERYL: That's not really fair, but....
DR. RAY: It's not fair. But that's what happens in the movies. That's exactly what happen. You hide in the corner, or you try to run and you trip.
CHERYL: Okay.
DR. RAY: Right? Not black women, but white women do trip, I'm sorry. I hate to go there with you, but I gotta go there. I had to pull a race card out -
CHERYL: We're clumsy.
DR. RAY: -- but that's what happens. You sit in that goddamn corner and you start to scream and cry, and while the aliens are killing your man, you're sitting there crying. Then they take you up to space and they impregnate you. You understand what gonna happen to you?
CHERYL: Uh -
DR. RAY: They're gonna take you up there and they're gonna do it to you. They're gonna do it to you good. They're gonna do it to you with their alien prong! You understand? That's how they do it! And that's why you gotta get the spirituality in your body right now. Come on, now. OOMMMMM.
CHERYL: OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: OOMMMMM. Today... is all about empowering the ladies. Spiritual things come in threes! A three-parter! Only not sleaze, and no crossing swords, and no worrying about what's right or wrong or if you enjoyed it too damn much because you're supposed to enjoy every last bit of it, Cheryl.
CHERYL: Yes.
DR. RAY: Do you enjoy every last bit of it?
CHERYL: I enjoy most of it, yeah. I don't know about the aliens taking me to bed.
DR. RAY: You don't know if you're going to enjoy that because it hasn't happened yet. You have no idea what that alien got in his alien pants, you understand? No one knows what kind of schlong an alien has! You don't know that, Cheryl, so don't speak on it before you know -
CHERYL: Okay.
DR. RAY: -- what the hell you're doing. Cause you're supposed to enjoy it all. Every last bit of it! All life should be enjoyed! Right, Cheryl?
CHERYL: Mmhmm.
DR. RAY: You enjoying life, right?
CHERYL: Yeah, I love - I love my life.
DR. RAY: Patchouli and nitrous, am I right?
CHERYL: I love camping and being in nature, like next to my car and 50,000 other people getting spiritual. Sucking on balloons, Dr. Ray! And then when you wake up you're in some people's tent and you have no idea what happened.
DR. RAY: That's right.
CHERYL: I love it!
DR. RAY: Spiritualness is all about wherever you gets your core energy. 
CHERYL: Yeah... yeah!
DR. RAY: Get in a train in a camp site with absolute strangers while high on hallucinogens? Don't matter if you're black, white, yellow, old, young, or a bit of every damn thing. Blonde, cripple, and crazy! That is a path to true enlightenment. You will know a lot about yourself after you get on that damn train with a blonde, crippled and crazy person. That damn train stop rolling, somebody gonna yell out, "ALL ABOARD!"
CHERYL: Yeah.
DR. RAY: You getting spiritual?
CHERYL: Yes.
DR. RAY: Now talk of the journeys. Every last bit of this crazy journey we are on is called "getting respected by any means necessary". I take pride in what the hell you looking at. Cause that lets me know what the hell I got. You see, Cheryl? Enjoy the view! Enjoy the view. It's a horizon over there. There's mountains and there's peaks and there's valleys on that body, you understand? Shed the women but just don't leave no stains cause that ain't nice. You gonna leave a stain on a man's lady? Ohhh! Is that nice, Cheryl?
CHERYL: No.
DR. RAY: Is that nice, Cheryl, for you to get on top of another man's woman and leave stains, and don't go to that restroom and get you a towel and wipe her off?
CHERYL: It's not - that's very - that's unsanitary and it's not nice.
DR. RAY: It's very unsanitary. You have stained me! Cause every time I made love to my woman all I'm thinking about is what, Cheryl?
CHERYL: The stain that -
DR. RAY: THAT'S what I'm thinking about in my mind! I can't get aroused if I'm thinking about the stain that that man left on my lady! OOMMMMM. Let me take a breather. Let me breathe now! I am Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris and I am your spiritual guide, Los Santos! I'm a registered health practitioner with an international recognized degree. I'm a trained yogi who can suck both his big toes at once. I am an expert in cleansing, a devotee of colonics, and a wise man. You know what colonics are?
CHERYL: Yeah.
DR. RAY: What do colonics go through?
CHERYL: It goes - it goes through your butthole.
DR. RAY: your ass.
CHERYL: Oh.
DR. RAY: It goes through your ass, Cheryl. I'm a compassionate lover and a fierce warrior all at the same time. SOMETIMES I'M A WARRIOR AND COMPASSIONATE AT THE SAME DAMN TIME! THAT IS DUALITY. They don't know where I'm coming from sometimes! And lady's laying there on top of that bed confused cause she don't know where I'm coming from. I'm like a pitcher throwing a curve ball. Or a slider. You understand? You don't know what's coming. Cause you ain't the catcher. You see? See what I just did? See how I did that? I went into your head, and took you to a baseball game. 
CHERYL: Mmhmm.
DR. RAY: You understand? I am a compassionate lover and a fierce warrior. A spoon, a fork, a knife. And that's what the chakra attack is all about! Lovemaking sometimes mean you either wrestle or holler like an animal! AWWOOO! AWWOOO! Anyway, let's go to the phones. Speak, my child. I love you with all that I have, take what you want of me and leave me spent.
CALLER 1: Hello? Hello?
DR. RAY: Speak up, homie.
CALLER 1: Hello? Um... hello?
DR. RAY: Oh, for gods sake Cheryl, give me a better call, screener. Guy was a fool! He had me on mute! Who the hell puts Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris on mute, you kidding me? You disrespecting me? Seriously, woman? 
CHERYL: Ray, chill the hell out, you're on the radio. I'll light some incense. Calm down.
DR. RAY: I am calm. But I'm also angry! There is a duality. That's what Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris is all about, duality! DU-ALITY! Do you understand, woman? I can't be understood by you, right? I'm talking a foreign language to you. I'm amazing, you understand? Just get me another caller and stop playing the woman card. With your unshaven legs and pierced nose and disdained look for everyone else.
CHERYL: Uh -
DR. RAY: Yeah, you do. You have a disdained look, for everybody in my universe. Seriously. I can read your mind, and you're wrong. You're dead wrong! Okay? Who we got. Caller?! SPEAK!
CALLER 2: Hi, Ray! Big fan of the show. OOMMMMM.
DR. RAY: OM back atcha, brother. Big OOMMMMM! Big OM with cheese on top! OOMMMMM. Organic cheese as well, like from a cow. 
CALLER 2: This is so exciting! I knew I was gonna get on this week, I really did. Dr. Ray, I think I'm psychic, can I be a guest on your show? I know the answer. I know the answer is no, because... because, uh -
DR. RAY: Because you're bat shit crazy, nut case! Locked up in some looney bin and you call me every week. You call every damn week, running your phone bill up, talking that bullshit!
CALLER 2: It's not - it's not a looney bin, Dr. Ray, it's a high security mental institution. I never got convicted of a crime. I'm very thorough about DNA cleanup. I'm a spiritual being, Dr. Ray! I'm just like you! OOMMMMM, OOMMMMM, OOMM --- damnit, Dr. Ray! You're not OMing with me!
DR. RAY: I feel your pain, my brother. We are all one, but some of us are also two. And that's that. Bye now! Cheryl, keep that freak off my goddamn show! Talking a freaks, did I ever tell you about some nasty twins named Tammy and Sammy who have restraining orders against me after some hot yoga got out of hand? Hot yoga started and it went out of control! Weren't my fault. Damn women, its 120 degrees, I was getting spiritual! Cheryl knows! I act out when I think I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm a terrible fright on a damn airplane. You gotta see me fly, oh I'm terrible.
CHERYL: It's true, they have to scramble the jets.
DR. RAY: Listen, we get into turbulence, I'll grab a titty. That's the first thing I'm thinking about because that's where my mind goes sometimes. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna go down in a fetal position. Fetuses want titties! I ain't sucking no damn thumb! I'm going out the same way I came in. Everything in the universe is about two, and that again is the duality. When one becomes two problems can arise. I am very clear about this in my book. Cheryl, what's the name of the goddamn book!?
CHERYL: When One Becomes Two Problems Can Arise: A Study in Duality by Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris.
DR. RAY: There you go. There you go! Many are called but few are chosen correctly out of a police lineup. I choose you, caller. Speak to me! OOMMMMM with me.
CALLER 3: Hey, man, I'm calling you from jail!
DR. RAY: Dad? Is that you? Hello? Daddy!
CALLER 3: Uh, no.
CHERYL: You know you don't know who your dad is.
DR. RAY: I know that one day he's gonna hear me on the radio and realize the spiritual mistake he made and come back, we're gonna enjoy all the things a father and son should do. Fishing, bike riding, threeways. Going to a farmer's market. Beekeeping organic honey. Knitting. A dad and his boy, you know. Knit one, pearl two! All that shit! GANSTA STYLE! BLAW BLAW BLAW BLAW BLAW! And I can say, "Dad! I made you a sweater." And it won't fit very well but he will wear it proudly, and if any man challenges him he will say, "I ain't no sissy. I ain't no damn sissy. My son made this for me and he is Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris, host of Chakra Attack. WHO ARE YOU SCREWING WITH?!"
CALLER 3: Hey, man, are you gonna get to my question?
DR. RAY: Oh, I'm sorry, my brother. I went deep, I went too deep. I went six feet under that time.
CALLER 3: I stuck the phone up my ass and smuggled it from Jim Bob just so I could call your show.
CHERYL: Oh you poor man.
DR. RAY: Cheryl loves a conjugal visit!
CALLER 3: Listen, I'm in here for a real bullshit charge.
DR. RAY: What is it!
CALLER 3: Triple homicide. Total accident, but they deserved it. Anyway, I'm in a spiritual hole.
DR. RAY: We can help you get out that hole, brother! You in a deep hole! I gotta put my hand down there and pull you up. Cheryl, get my soul shovel. I'm about to dig this fool outta his chakra hole. Have you fallen down a well, brother? I will pull you out and we can drink of that water together even though you have most likely polluted the ground water, like you been fracking yourself rotten.
CALLER 3: I'm really into Zen and OMing and yoga, and I want to get married to a woman who'll be there for me when I get out in 2025. We can have a baby while I'm in prison. One inmate told me you can smuggle your own baby batter out if you hold it under your tongue and exchange it with a family member in the meeting room. Anyway, I know I've made mistakes. I want someone I can grow old with and brutally murder in our golden years.
DR. RAY: I think you need some body whispering. Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris is a spiritual body whisperer. OOMMMMM. OOMMMMM. Many of you might ask, "What are you doing?" I'm OOMMMMMing. "Why you making that noise?" It relaxes myself and the ladies. You see, OOMMMMM is a scientific frequency that lulls the ladies into a relaxed spiritual place where the brain shuts off and the thighs go into overdrive. Mind off, body on! It's like trying to start a car. ZZZSSZZT! ZZZSSZZT! ZZZSSZZT! That mind is the battery! That battery is drained and dead, but the engine's good, right? You understand, Cheryl? 
CHERYL: Yeeaah.
DR. RAY: I can teach you how to get that frequency. But you have to buy my book and my OOMMMMM call. You know how duck hunters have a call they blow on that attracts ducks so they can shoot 'em like stupid-ass sitting ducks? That's where that term comes from. A sitting duck, cause that duck's sitting there, right? He heard that call, and he sat there, and got his ass shot. BOOM! Feathers everywhere. Well I have developed a bird call that attracts women. It's called The Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris OOMMMMM Spiritual Fine Ladies Soothing Call to Attract Women. It's shaped like a sausage and trust me, it looks a bit strange. But blow it and you'll see. Walk out on your cul-de-sac or the PTA meeting and blow on that thing and women go mental! WRRRRR! Believe me. And sure, you have to blow on a sausage, but while you're blowing on a sausage you wanna OOMMMMM. Hell, I had a whole yoga studio full of fine women all over me when I blew that sausage shaped horn. It was like one of them medieval shows on cable, only we didn't have a dwarf or a yak skin for a blanket. Some ignorant fools will say, "Are you really humming on that sausage?" No, I'm cleansing myself! Like wheatgrass on your radio. That's how you cleanse yourself.
CHERYL: But wheatgrass tastes awful.
DR. RAY: It tastes awful? Of course it does. But a sausage shaped horn does not, you understand? The wheatgrass through your radio is a metaphor! It's a figure of speech, you understand? You are a terrible liberal, woman! Bad, bad liberal! I bet you don't even give to public radio.
CHERYL: No way! Why bother? It's so patronizing, it's like being spoken down to by a beggar. 
DR. RAY: YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF AND YOUR MONEY TO PUBLIC RADIO! You understand?! Do I have to break this down to you, woman?! Shut your mouth! That's public radio you talking about! I am for-profit, but many are not. You are barely talking on this show. How am I supposed to teach you the ways of broadcasting? The ways and means? What I means! Your karma is getting shot all to hell.
CHERYL: Oh, relax, Ray.
DR. RAY: I can NOT relax, girl. I am not into relaxation. Relaxation is weak. I wanna be hit! I am strong! Hit me, Cheryl. Hit me with the rainstick, Cheryl.
CHERYL: Oh, not this again. I really don't understand how hitting you with a rainstick is helpful. 
DR. RAY: Turn it upside down. Hear those soothing sounds? That is from Australia. And you blow into it.
CHERYL: Isn't that called a didgeridoo?
DR. RAY: WHATEVER! HIT ME WITH THE STICK! I'm a piñata! I'm not a piñata! You hear me?
CHERYL: Why are you obsessed with piñatas?
DR. RAY: Because that's life, Cheryl. You either is one or you isn't one. And sometimes you both is. And you isn't. Ain't you learned nothing? If you would focus on your damn chakra for half a second all would become clear to you. You can hang yourself in a public square and let people hit you with sticks till candy and coins drop out of your ass. Or you can sit on the mountaintop and OOMMMMM. It's simple! I like both. So we got all these lines lit up.
CHERYL: Let's go to line four. This guy is really spiritually constipated. He's got an ass full of candy. Let's hit him with one of the big sticks of love.
DR. RAY: My friend, free yourself! Breathe deep.
CALLER 4: Yeah, that's bullshit what you said about coconut water!
DR. RAY: DON'T YOU GO DISRESPECTING COCONUT WATER! That's the nectar of the gods from places that are mad spiritual, with cave paintings and baking sun and drum circles and heatstroke, and where you can swim with dolphins. Dolphins! MEEMEEMEEMEEME! MEEMEEMEEMEEME! MEEMEEMEEMEEME! And communicate with them! Swim with them and communicate with the dolphins. Dolphins are delivering babies, you punk ass! 
CHERYL: I heard that dolphins molest people.
DR. RAY: Where you hear that, woman? TV? That damn anti-spiritual booty box will suck the life outta you in a minute! Make your whole innards glaze over like someone threw your soul into an oven all covered with egg white, like this coconut water fool right here. Ha ha ha! Listen, my friend. I just drank some and I am significantly more hydrated than you. I'm hydrated. I'm a whole lot wetter than you! People in tropical locations are never thirsty. They have discovered the miracle of coconut water. Crack, CRWRRCH! Crack, CRWRRCH! in your fizzy glass up. Now each coconut maybe contains six ounces of coconut juice. Now if you gotta 16 ounce glass, you're gonna wanna break two coconuts and hydrate yourself. Or you chop it up and sprinkle it on a coconut cake, you understand? It's called COCONUT FLAKES!
CALLER 4: Listen, the next big thing is going to be potato water! People in Ireland are already working on it when they're not brooding over cigarettes. Potato water is gonna be huge!
DR. RAY: Isn't that vodka?
CALLER 4: No! In no way! It is the unfermented water from a potato. All moisture should come from nature and be available in easy open containers! Coconuts are too hard to open. Nature tells you when it's wet and engorged and ready for you to drink. You press a potato, you get a beautiful fresh juice which is just like orange juice, only better! I've also been trying cactus water but I impaled myself.
DR. RAY: Oh, I get you. I hear you. Let's bring it together, my brother, right? We have crossed words but now, let's make two become one. The duality is back, you understand? We are one now, my brother. I'm upset, you upset. My belly bubbling and I gotta take a crap, you gotta take a crap. My nose running with snot, your nose running with snot. You feel me? Like when you have multiple universes in a comic book. We all part of one universe now.
CALLER 4: Thank you, Dr. Ray!
DR. RAY: Nature has all kinds of water. Sometimes you're thirsty in the desert, you can grab one of those land mammals and squeeze water clean out of it. And sometimes I get so into hydration that I let animals pee in my mouth.
CHERYL: Eww!
DR. RAY: I do. I do.
CHERYL: Eww, that's really gross!
DR. RAY: Yep. I just love me some organic water. Now on previous shows we've talked about factory farming and how those chemicals have ruined everyone's health. You got to only go organic! Shit is expensive as hell, but the females love it. I hold a head of organic broccoli out the window and chum for them hippie girls. Don't I, Cheryl?
CHERYL: You sure do!
DR. RAY: Let 'em hear it, let 'em hear it!
CHERYL: It's terrifying. It's also terrifying that it works.
DR. RAY: Terrifying is right, girl. You know how many intimate unions I've had in the Grain of Truth parking lot? I'll be ripping off yoga pants with my teeth! Who we got next, Cheryl?
CHERYL: Line seven wants to talk about honey.
CALLER 5: Dr. Ray De Angelo? I want all your listeners to know, stop eating honey! My family, we don't even use honey products, or 'conflict' honey, as we call it. Because honey is made under oppressive circumstances. Bees are kept in servitude and sexual bondage. They're like flying veal! And what's worse? Male honeybee genitals explode after sex!
DR. RAY: Exploding genitals? DAMN! I learned how to do that from an ancient Tibetan dude in the mountains when I was over there for a three month spiritual journey, where there was no fast food so it was pretty damn emotional. I told this ancient dude in the hills, I said, "I recycle. I give to public radio and eat organic. But there's an empty part of me that wants a high-fructose corn syrup soda, a big ass factory farms steak, and to slap hippie girls on the ass and treat them like crap instead of putting up with their neurotic drama and dreadful taste in music. Hippie drama is the WORST drama there can be! And this dude, he was spiritual as hell. You know what he said to me? You know what he said, Cheryl?
CHERYL: What'd he say?
DR. RAY: He said, "You have to buy the right books, listen to the right music, listen to the girl's hippie drama and dig down deep inside yourself and OOMMMMM like a mo-fo. And I did. I did, Cheryl. I OOMMMMM'd until my mama threw me outta the damn house. And here I am. That was my time in Tibet. At least I think it was Tibet.
CHERYL: Are you sure it was Tibet? 
DR. RAY: Oh, I don't know! Some darn place with hills and sheep and everyone singing in choirs and they're all inbred and they played a lot of rugby. Things like that. Tibetan stuff, you know. It was real cool. Played some Tibetan rugby, ate some cheese on toast. Real Tibetan style too, with legs all crossed. For real! Anyway, let's wind down the show with a final yoga pose of an intense session, Savasana.
CHERYL: It's actually Shah-vasana.
DR. RAY: Shah-vasana. Don't correct me, I'm a yogi, woman!
CHERYL: Yes.
DR. RAY: Shah-vasana! 
CHERYL: Shah-vasana.
DR. RAY: Shah-vasana!
CHERYL: Shah-vasana.
DR. RAY: Shah-vasana!
CHERYL: Shah-vasana.
DR. RAY: I know Shah-vasana! Or... corpse pose. Cheryl, join me. Come here on the Big Ray yoga mat, girl. Lay down like a corpse, like you dead as a doornail. Lay there like you just got shot or died on a finger food voyage gone astray. I love me fresh corpse! It's so relaxing. You relax with me out there. You relaxed, Cheryl? You look stiff. Corpse aren't stiff, you understand?
CHERYL: Okay, I don't really know what all of this means.
DR. RAY: Shhh! Stare at the ceiling at shut up. 
CHERYL: All right.
DR. RAY: Think hippie thoughts! Clear your brain! 
CHERYL: Yeah?
DR. RAY: Like, go in your head right now. Close your eyes. Go in your head, get a whisk broom, you know what a whisk broom is? You ever been to, you ever see a barber on TV and after he cuts your hair he whisk broom you off?
CHERYL: Mmm-hmm.
DR. RAY: Your hair off your body?
CHERYL: Yeah.
DR. RAY: Take a whisk broom and whisk your brain out your head, and clear your thoughts.
CHERYL: Okay.
DR. RAY: Like, get - do it now, do it now! Clear your brain of all them damn thoughts.
CHERYL: Yeah.
DR. RAY: You feel empty now?
CHERYL: Yeah.
DR. RAY: Is your brain empty?
CHERYL: Yeah.
DR. RAY: Now let's go. OOMMMMM. Man, I am so empty right now, like I got a colonic in my brain stream. Like I crapped the crap out of my brain! OOMMMMM. Hit the outro music!
CHERYL: This has been another episode of Chakra Attack with Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris.
  
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