When you make the decision to take part in the adult film industry there are a few things that you have to consider. Regardless of who you are, you will be plagued with the same stigma as the top actresses. Even if you do not like the dirty names, people will assume that you do. Getting out will not be as easy as getting in, and if you’re not a die hard hoe, you will be disgusted with yourself. I honestly thought that I’d be able to maintain my dignity, my strength, my self image; I was mistaken. Don’t get me wrong, I am an incredibly strong person, but I have, until about a year ago, been suffering from extreme depression and isolation. I do not feel like the person I truly am belongs where I was. I thought I’d grown to understand that as long as you love yourself no one can break you. In a way I’m right, however if no one respects you… that’s an entirely different issue that I was not prepared to deal with. I did not realize, that doing something as socially acceptable as having sex, would completely disregard every ounce of morality I possessed and that I’d be forced to reestablish who I am as a person or forever question what I stand for. Starting at square one has been extremely refreshing, but it was a very degrading process that at the closing of, felt like rock bottom.

I had kicked off on the slow and steady path of degrading any sense of respect I had for myself. I maintained my strength for a while, knowing I had a goal in mind and that I also wanted to be able to spend more time with my daughter. The first year was fine, no one seemed to notice and I felt like things were going great. I was pushing myself out of debt and towards a higher education; I had a wonderful life insurance policy and the lack of child support didn’t bother me a bit. Things were looking great. Id be out in just a few short years and on with my real life. But this phase was short lived.

The second year was much harder, my family found out because my daughter’s father decided that my fleeing from his abuse was unacceptable and he had to get back at me. He also leaked my real name to the public and the harassment and vulgar verbal abuse began. It seems that after that the publicity never ceased. The harassment from him became unbearable, his family abused me in ways I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Stealing my daughter during a visit, using the legal system to bully and abuse me, falsely accusing me of things I would never do, just tearing apart who I was as a person. Kind of like that scene in Cinderella when the step sisters rip her dress right off her body. I was a very happy person before all of this and was made to feel so miserable, small and helpless by so many people. People were genuinely angry. I was lost, broken. I had never felt so alone and worthless in my life, my identity was so far from what I wanted it to be. I couldn’t find where the opinions of me ended and I began, it was all so confusing. Aside from my efforts, because I knew what I was getting myself into, I could not convince myself that what I was doing was okay. Something as beautiful and limitless as life, I simply could not find the beauty in. I was disappointed and disgusted and that’s when I knew it just wasn’t for me.

I pushed hard and pulled out as soon as my goals were met because my family of course, couldn’t support my actions, understandably. I started losing the love that meant the most to me in place of artificial love in the form of “fans” and “money”. I was publicly humiliated and after I had stopped completely was when everyone was just finding out. I applied at the Country Club in Gearhart and was fired after the first day because a girl I went to school with told the boss. You might be thinking, why in the world would a girl behaving the way she was, displaying the behavior and image I was want to work at a country club. Because I identify with that image.

That was the beginning of the emotional setbacks. I’ve suffered harassment and humiliation, not feeling good enough to be who I desire to be has been the hardest part. My family has been harassed and sent photos. I have been approached on the streets while acting appropriately and minding my decency to be reminded. I don’t enjoy these moments. I wish they’d remain in the past but I don’t assume it will get easier. I will just continue to get stronger. I do not behave that way anymore, so what to say to these seemingly innocent comments I have yet to figure out. Maybe moving out of my hometown would help. I have experienced a mix of opinions: disgusted, bored, jealous, a sense of “I’m so much better than you”, people who feel like I’m not even human anymore and also, a lot of people who were very kind and sent me messages apologizing for the multitude of negative publicity from my close peers. And it still stands that I, outside of a choice that took very little time and effort, am kind and honest, I do not steal or lie, I never cheat and I genuinely want the best for everyone. I don’t do drugs and I take wonderful care of my children. We have wonderful dinners every night and I keep an incredibly clean home. I am strong and treat everyone with the upmost respect and never pass undeserving or unforgiving judgement. I am very proud of myself and will continue to be a blessing.

It has taken me three years to rebuild the relationships that meant the most to me and I cannot imagine my life without my family. My mother and father who sat by and watched helplessly as I squandered my abilities, yet never gave up on me. My sisters who watched their brilliant sister take a path of destruction and bring a sort of shame on the family name. I know now that no one who was naked ever inspired anyone by being naked. I want to inspire people! If that means holding my head high and walking away from a bad decision with the strength to move forward then I think I’m on the right track. I’ve witnessed first hand, very kind and wonderful women commit suicide because they felt like there was no other way out of the industry. And my heart goes out to them and to other girls looking for answers and a way out. Start small, find joy in something tiny, like washing your hands to reestablish your cleanliness and keep pushing towards purity. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is not our mistakes that define us, it is our accomplishments. Porn was a mistake and getting out has been a huge accomplishment.

I am still terrified. Terrified that my perfect man will not approve. I am terrified that I will not forgive myself when this stops me in my tracks. Terrified that anything I try to pursue will come to an abrupt end because no one will see past the stigma. I am terrified that I will feel hopeless after actually working hard for something, to be rejected because my morality had yet to be established. I am still scared. I push through every day knowing that along the road are the healers, the helpers, those who look deeper than what is clearly apparent and hopefully after a few failures and maintaining the strength to push forward, I run into these wonderful people. Do something nice for someone this weekend. You never know how much they might be dying inside waiting for someone to show them some simple kindness. I hope everyone enjoys their spring break!! Stay strong! Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.