My husband and I have been together for ten years and married for seven. Right after we got married, I was diagnosed with sarcoma and had to undergo intense and invasive treatment for almost two years before I was officially cancer free. It was an awful time for us both, but it definitely made us stronger as a couple. Unfortunately, the cancer came back late last year, and we’re going through nearly the exact same turmoil again.

My husband and I have been described as a good couple by many because we balance each other out. He’s more of the rock, usually being more logical and blunt while I’m more emotional and imaginative. He grounds me and reminds me to be realistic, and I make him laugh and remind him to have a little fun every now and then. It’s not complete night and day like that, and we’re not caricatures, but that’s the gist of our personalities and dynamic. It’s always been this way. My husband did have to grow up faster than others in a lot of ways, as he was in and out of the foster care system at one point in his childhood and he had to help his mother provide for his younger siblings when he was still a child after his father got arrested. He has a strange relationship and dynamic with his family overall. I wonder if that played a small part in him being the way he is. He has dealt with depression throughout our relationship, even taking antidepressants and attending therapy during a few points. I take anti-anxiety medication and did go to therapy briefly during my cancer treatment, so I encouraged him and was supportive. He would always stop after a few months, saying he didn’t like them and they weren’t working enough to stop trying.

My husband has been incredible during my battles with sarcoma. He is always there to be with me during treatment. He has always been a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent to during this process, letting me be emotional but also keeping me grounded with the facts. He has been very patient with me and understanding of my needs. He always seemed to have it together, as usual. He would acknowledge the bad situation but just make a plan to get through and execute. I would always tell him that I know it’s hard for him too and he would say that it’s not as hard for him, he’s okay, and he doesn’t want me worrying about me. He said this over and over again, so I would try to respect his wishes and listen.

Saturday night, I was lying in bed when my husband came in and told me that he was going outside to take a phone call and that if I needed anything, to call him. I didn’t think much about it. Eventually, I got up and went into the kitchen to make some tea. I started to walk around the house waiting and heard my husband’s voice from outside near the side of the house say something about his wife several times. I was a little startled, and initially, I just was going to walk away and ignore it. But I got a bad gut feeling, and decided to go check out what was happening. I moved a little closer and stood by the door.

My husband then said something about how he can’t believe this is happening again. He said he feels so powerless watching me deteriorate and cry to him and not be able to do anything about it. He stopped talking for a bit then said something along of the lines of how it takes him a long time to get used to the way my body changes with the treatments and that he misses elements of my pre-cancer appearance, but then he feels awful and shallow for thinking that away because I didn’t bring this onto myself; he said he feels like a shit husband when he feels this way because while he wants his wife to be sexually attractive, I’m worrying if I’m even going to survive. Then he said that goes into his worries about if he’s even doing enough at all and if he’s good enough for someone like me. He then stopped and said he’s sorry. I was confused at first but then I realized that he was crying. Like heavily crying. He said that he doesn’t like to talk about how he’s feelings and cry or show his emotions, and that he’s trying to put on a brave face, but it’s difficult. He went on to say that he’s scared and he really can’t lose me, and he’d probably kill himself if he did because I’m the only constant in his life and the only person who loves him unconditionally. I was really caught off guard, as I’d never vaguely seen or heard my husband talk or cry in any way before. I felt a sudden bout of anxiety building up, so I walked away. I came back about twenty minutes later, and my husband was saying he feels bad about calling when “they’re” so busy and he’s sorry about getting emotional, it’s not normally like him, he got overwhelmed vocalizing everything. I walked away again.

I went back to bed, and was confused and anxious about everything I’d heard. An hour later, my husband came to bed and seemed tired but fine. I immediately asked him if he was okay, and he said he was. I didn’t know what to say to that so I just cuddled him and we went to sleep.

Yesterday morning, my husband wanted me to look for some video on his phone, and while I had it in my hands, I looked at the call history to see who he was speaking to. It turns out it was a emotional crisis hotline. My husband appeared to have called them several times before but only spoke to them that night.

I don’t know what to do. This changes everything. I can’t believe him now, he’s not doing fine and I do need to worry about him. Seriously worry. He’s suffering and doing it in complete silence. I feel strange and deeply anxious when I think about him crying like that. He doesn’t want me to see him vulnerable and upset. He doesn’t want to be open about how he’s feeling. I can only imagine what else he’s thinking, how he’s making himself feel guilty for it, and how many times he’s cried like that in isolation or to strangers on the phone. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday, I wouldn’t leave his side. I asked him how he was doing constantly and gave him a lot of physical attention. I was scared to leave him alone. He kept saying he was fine and to stop worrying. He thought I was being weird, but he enjoyed it and didn’t want me to stop. He left for work now, and I’m just sitting here not sure what to do.

Do I confront him on it? Do I just do my part to try and make this easier for him? Do I suggest that he gets back into therapy? Do I try to open up a dialogue another way? He doesn’t and won’t tell me the truth, just acting like he’s fine all the time. I’m so worried about him.

tl;dr; My husband of seven years called an emotional crisis hotline and cried speaking to them about him struggling with my sarcoma. This was the first time I’ve ever caught my husband being emotional and expressing how things have been affecting him. He has always said, and still will, say that’s he’s fine and not to worry about him. I don’t know what to do and feel deeply worried and scared about him now.