Hey there everyone!

Update:
I want to apologize for not having been around as much as I usually like to! I've been extremely busy lately and it's put a wrench in a lot of plans as of late given much of my real life hold ups have been unexpected. Even with a lot of busy life situations though, I have been chugging along with commissions and still knocking out my sketch commission queue! I'm hoping to have it completely cleared out by the 1st and I'm planning on pulling a few all nighters to make that happen! I also plan on adding the final page of the weight gain drive as soon as possible; I feel awful it had to be sidelined for a bit. Also as a shout out, zilbah is the highest donator and who will be taking that pretty Leopard gal home as their very own character!

Most of you who've commissioned me or have followed me for a long time know that having a queue take this long is really out of character for me and I appreciate everyone being patient and understanding while I try to deal with real life and art! This month has been exceptionally difficult as near the beginning, My fiance had to have surgery done on his wrist. It's nothing serious by any means though! However it did make me have to pick up some extra chores/real life things so he could fully recover. In addition to that, this month I also found out my mother suffered from a heart attack and had to spend some significant time in the hospital. Less than three days after coming home from her stay, she had to go back and was diagnosed with Pancreatitis and had to spend another few days in the hospital. She is home and doing better now, but it's really left a deep emotional mark on me and gave me a reminder of human mortality, especially with my own family. I think a lot of us grow up thinking that our parents are invincible until the day comes when they're suddenly not.. I haven't been able to go visit her as of yet, though I very much would like to if I can in the near future; but bills/rent/ect all comes first so that's just life, but I admit it's really been weighing heavy on me. I will be opening for a few larger scale commissions later today to help get rent paid and and hopefully have enough left over to plan a drive out to my parent's place.

Shinies:
I've gone ahead and enabled the shinies system here on FA because I think it's a neat feature to add to the site! I'm not typically one who gets donations or anything and I certainly am not the type to ask for them either; I've always preferred to work for things, even in emergencies. But It is neat to have an on site "tip" system and I am always grateful to anyone who feels inclined to send something my way ;u;! A lot of other artists are having trust issues with the Shinies system but thanks to my first donator, rekzar (thank you!), I have been able to check it out and see that it should be safe and work well! So don't worry, I certainly won't ask for tips and such, but if someone does feel inclined, then I appreciate it greatly!


How I hurt my Hand:
(Content Warning: Police)

This is the bombshell of the journal that I've been wanting to talk about and explain for a while, especially with how mysterious I was previously when dodging "what happened". The reason I did not explain what happened was because a third party made me feel pressured/almost afraid to discuss what happened and after over a year now, I've since ejected that party from my life.

So how did my hand/wrists get hurt back in March of 2018?

My House was swatted on March 28th, 2018. Yes, as in the scenario when police bust open your front door, run in with loaded guns and escort you off the premises in handcuffs.

To give a quick summary (without naming names), back in March of 2018, My household consisted of a total of five people/furries including myself (all shall remain nameless in this journal). One of said roommates, who had been a close friend for several years had been accused of stealing property from their place of work (omitted) and had an investigation against them. I was not privy to the extent of what they were accused of, so I thought it was a minor misunderstanding with their workplace given the way I was told about it (It turned out not to be minor at all) and thought nothing of it; I trusted this person completely and gave them my loyalty and trust as a friend. This was a mistake. While I have no clue (nor do I care to find out at this point) on weather or not they are guilty of what they had been accused of, their situation led to -my house- being bombarded at 6:10am on the morning of Wednesday, March 28th 2018. The front door was rammed open and destroyed and we were all woken up, handcuffed and taken to the street with assault rifles being pointed at us. The did give all of us about 30 seconds to throw some clothes on quickly before we were handcuffed and sat on the curb across the street from the house in 42 degree weather that morning. I was yelling and begging the swat officers to not harm the dogs and the investigator present to grab my cat before she went out the non-existent front door. All of us were shocked and had no clue what happened to us some of us wondered if we pissed off someone online, but we were quickly informed of the situation. While we were outside, the house was torn apart; mattresses flipped, dressers and drawers emptied and in the case of the master bedroom (where my fiance and I reside), our end tables were busted and broken and the closet was overturned and many fragile items and family air looms were destroyed. I had to beg the investigator let me keep my PC, which she did allow only if I let her go through it, so I had to have the added humiliation of watching police and swat officers stand there looking at the furry porn I drew and cringing while I could say nothing, my house was in shambles and I was still recovering from the shock. Many things were taken as "evidence" and to this day have not been returned; Things like my Direct TV receiver (which cost me $600 to pay off, but only after I had to continue to pay a $120 monthly service fee until I could afford the lump sum to pay off the box and cancel the service), my old cell phone, things that were in my safe. All of it gone and never to be returned. One roommate had their Playstation 4 taken but was thankfully able to get it back; they were the only one who was returned anything. We were also left without a front door and told it was on us to fix, so my fiance spent a full day doing what he could with limited tools to put the door back together enough so it could even be closed; all on very little sleep. It was a traumatic day for everyone and it still haunts me to this day over a year later. The only redeeming factor about this day was that the local police who assisted the swat felt very bad for us and bought us donuts and calmed us all down.

Now, where did my wrists get hurt? Well, for those of you who've met me irl you can attest that I am not a small woman by any stretch of the imagination. I'm tall and heavy (I'm a fatass). When I was handcuffed and sat on the low curb, the cuffs I was given were to small for my hands and began to make them turn purple; I asked for assistance and I was eventually given bigger cuffs later but not before a swat officer needed me to stand up and go speak with an investigator about my roommate. When "helping" me up, the swat officers lifted my body from the ground BY the handcuffs; specifically the metal chain linking the two hands together. Given I am a heavy person, this was extremely painful and caused all my body weight to be placed on my wrists. The pain of this moment was excruciating and left a lasting pain in my wrists that is still strong a year later. This is what has caused my slow down on art and this is what has put me at a disadvantage with a lot of my life plans. Thankfully, I am the only one who suffered any extensive injuries from this event, but thus far it's not gone away and has severely inhibited my ability to do my job. I have considered going to my fall back career that I had lined up, which would be to practice as a CPT/Phlebotomist/a person who draws blood (I paid thousands of dollars to get my certification and have it as a backup years ago), however the steadiness of my hands has decreased so much that if I can't draw without pain, I certainly can't put needles into someone's vein!

It's amazing how one situation can completely wreck your life's plans. This whole scenario has caused me a lot of depression and emotional turmoil over the last year and it's been really hard to get through it. The sense of betrayal that a close friend would lie to my face constantly when I gave them my full trust, that they'd steal equipment from their work while living under my roof to boot, that they'd not be truthful about their situation and put everyone in the house at risk? Anger that the career I worked my entire life for could potentially be ripped away from me and even the backup career I spent thousands to secure is not viable now either, Hurt that this happened in my home when I offered other people a "safe" place to call home, regret that I didn't see through lies and bs sooner...and of course the agony of wanting desperately to work/draw and having to force myself to quit when the pain got to be too much. It's been a long road and things are getting better; I've learned to live with the wrist pain and I am actively pushing forward on not letting it stop me from living the life I want to and thanks to the support of my amazing Fiance, sharksahoy, I am overcoming the emotional aspects. It's hard, but it is getting better.

Since then, the roommate who caused this no longer lives here and I do not keep contact with them anymore. As a matter of fact, the only people who live here now are my fiance and myself, which has caused a big rent hike for both of us but we are getting by! The other two roommates left (for different reasons) on good terms and are still friends to this day and I am so sorry they had to endure this horror with us. My fiance and I also have since seen a lawyer about what we can do given the property and personal damage done to us during this event, but she was quick to let us know that there is nothing we can do to seek compensation so it's a "you're up shit's creek without a paddle" scenario.

It's taken me a while to finally explain what happened and I want everyone to know that by telling the truth of what happened, I am not expecting anything from my followers or friends. I wanted to be truthful and transparent with you all and that's about it! I admit it's cathartic to not have to keep quiet about this anymore as well. I appreciate you all taking the time to listen and thanks for sticking with me this last year even though my art production has been a lot lower. I'm working to get it back up to speed and you guys motivate me so deeply! Your support really does make all the difference <3