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14TIFU by eating bugs my entire life and having a spider bite the inside of my mouth
Okay so you know some people have dark, dark, dark secrets Some people pick their nose, some pick it and eat it, some people eat shit, some people do really strange things. Well I like to eat live bugs. Nobody in my life knows this. I just like the way some of them are soft and taste quite gummy, I like how some are crunchy and almost explode in your mouth when you bite down.
I started eating bugs when I was a kid. I started with ladybugs, I just kept eating them, they secrete some bitter liquid which had a really nice acquired taste. I went from lady bugs to other bugs. woodlice were my second and they were crunchy and easy to find, they also felt nice to eat when they're in their ball state (a bit like cereal). The taste isn't really the thing I like most of the time, it's the texture, how it feels in my mouth. I love to eat them to this day. I went onto other insects as I got older, I started eating spiders. In the UK there are some spiders which come out at certain times of the year which can get BIG (I think it's called the brown spider or wolf spider). When they squirm when biting down it almost adds to the texture, and the liquid that comes out is really creamy and good to eat. The legs are the problem though as they get stuck in your teeth.
Today I ate one of those spindly spiders, the daddy long legs ones. I saw some in the corner of my room, minding thier own business in their web. A moth was stuck in the web (moths are disgusting they're like eating a spoon of flour). I put the spider in my mouth and proceeded to chew it. Now before I got my bite in to kill it, I think it bit me somehow on my tongue or something.
The worst burning sensation I have ever had happened at the moment. It was like my mouth was on fire, but not in a good way like spice. First my tongue was burning and it spread to my jaw and eventually I felt like my brain was going to come out. My tongue has a strange bumpy bit on it now and I don't know if I should see a doctor or not, and even if I did see the doctor. How the fuck do I tell him how it happened?
TL:DR
I have eaten insects all my life and a spider bit the inside of my mouth
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So the coconut dynasty has finally been toppled. Well done OP.
The big 3:
this damn post
Truly will go down in Reddit history
EDIT: ok ok so reddit is home to some of the most fucked up stories you can imagine. Thanks to the people here reminding me of more, anyone can check these out too!
Colby (in the bottom link i provided)
Jolly Rancher (within the bottom link i provided)
Swamps of Dagobah (within the bottom link i provided)
Cum Box (within the bottom link i provided)
EDIT: thankfully someone told me that there's a special subreddit to record these "spectacular" events. Check this sub out. It has all you need
Yeah, I pretty much repress having read them until they're mentioned.
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I’m calling it now. The next guy will do something with mushroom soup
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Go see a doctor, tell him you accidentally ate/swallowed a spider and you think it may have bitten you. It's not that uncommon or implausible.
I need mental help after reading this.
E: I just tried to eat a spider. Please someone
I died a little inside. And uh thanks for the vivid descriptions OP, could've just stuck with "I eat live bugs."
The worst part is when they describe that there’s a moth in the corner, and OP just casually mentions that moths taste terrible, as if it’s no big deal that they’ve eaten a moth in the past. Like, a ladybug? Fine, that’s not too bad, especially as a little kid. But a moth? Like, wtf OP, who in their right mind would eat a fucking moth? Even if you like eating insects I would imagine that a moth would gross you out.
Honestly I almost vomited reading this but cockroaches are my absolutely most hated bug. I would’ve thrown up and dropped my phone. If I see one, I just run away basically. They don’t have fear and they are super unsanitary, just so gross
They're actually supposed to be really good for you, they have a ridiculous amount of... something..
But they're being lab-grown and they obviously kill them and then dry them or powder them.. they don't.. chomp on them while they're alive, outta their bathroom's floor...
Yeah, that’s the grossest part to me. I’ve seen crickets and even ants being sold in stores as snacks before, and it’s never grossed me out, but the idea of eating something alive that has been god knows where while it’s wriggling around in your mouth is disgusting.
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Tell them it was in a can of soda or on a banana and you didn't see it. Then delete this fucking thread and mail me something highly flammable and caustic so I can burn my phone and blind myself. I'm going outside. Enough internet for me you glorious hedonist.
There's bugs outside, can I join you?
Bugs don’t have a sense of humor. The audience is usually just...crickets.
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I think "a spider bit my tongue" will suffice. The doctor's not going to suspect that you tried to eat it.
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Ya this post almost warrants being cross posted to r/wtf because that's what I kept repeating in my head while reading this post. You need insect Jesus OP
It would appear the /r/WTF doesn't allow crossposts. It doesn't show up in the list of subs I can crosspost it to.
I guess that makes sense since one of their posting rules is "No Reddit links."
Send the mods a message this is fucked enough the bend rules.
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Hello, I’m actually a doctor and I can prescribe you some medicine: watch A Bug’s Life.
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Imagine how crunchy Heimlich would be? Hopper probably sour as fuck, but that little baby ant would sweeten it right up.
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Yes, but also -
Opp, please go to see a doctor, it is important to get medical attention quickly after receiving any type of spider bite if it has a significant reaction.
I promise, no one in healthcare is going to bat an eye because they have likely seen things WAY stranger.
Tomorrow's inevitable askreddit post: medical staff at hospitals: what's the weirdest things people who came into your ER has pur in their mouths?
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It's kind of disresting or intergusting?
Maybe there are better ways for getting your proteins?! :d Maybe you can order a variety of insects which wont try to kill you. :3
Bugs are actually very high in protein sometimes passing up certain types of meat!
They are almost nothing but protein, especially insects like crickets. They also contain essential minerals and vitamins, especially if you eat them whole with their exoskeleton. For food production, they are easy to breed. Their breeding cost per calorie of food produced is a lot cheaper than the cost to breed mammals, all other things being equal (scale of production). Crickets convert food to stored energy much more efficiently than cows, so you have to feed them a lower quantity of plants and use less water to produce one calorie of food. The ethical element is also a lot better for mass-killing bred insects than it is for mammals.
The only reason it's not a mainstream thing is people are grossed out. But a more and more people try it and like it.
If I had any idea what I was doing and was a capitalist, I'd seriously invest in cricket production lol it's gonna be a thing
Imagine a large cricket farm like 30 minutes outside of a major city. Keep in mind you have to eat a lot of them so the farm would be raising millions of crickets. Then imagine a tiny mistake where there is a hole in the enclosure.
Crickets are very attracted to night time light. A few million(at least) crickets make way to the city. Que alfred hitchcock's "the crickets".
Lol im not anti cricket just everytime someone brings this up i imagine them escaping and taking over towns.
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