Hey Trolls, This is Me Ignoring You

May 27

On the Prerogative and Pleasure of Not Responding to Your Bullshit

There are days when I really wish I had studied psychology.

First, because I find the workings of the mind fascinating; second, because it would have saved me a lot of money on therapy; but mostly so I could fully understand the pathology of the internet troll.

We all know the type. They surf onto our Twitter mentions, start hateful threads on our Facebook posts, or spew mindless venom under YouTube videos, typically from behind a veil of online anonymity.

Oh, and they show up here on Medium as well. Not as bad as they do at some other places, but certainly enough to get noticed.

Most often they are right-wingers and almost always guys: eager to pick fights, quick with their “debate me bro” tempers, and light on anything remotely approaching substance.

Indeed, the difference between trolls and regular folks is that normal people, even if they hold views contrary to your own, will at least take the time to fashion an argument. It might not be a great one, but at least it suggests a passing familiarity with the art form.

When offered rational counter-arguments to my positions, I try and engage at least briefly, although I don’t always have the time. But when it comes to trolls, I neither make the time nor feel the need to apologize for failing to do so. Frankly, even writing this — an exploration of troll behavior, even if not a reply to those who pester me personally — almost seems like spending too much time on them.

Of course, the difference (and it’s a gratifying one) is that I control the terms of engagement here. By ignoring the specifics of troll bait, I get to deny them the satisfaction of having me address them individually, which would only make them feel far more special than they are.

Because if there is one thing trolls want above all else, it’s attention. To feel important.

Even though they are not important.

To feel as though their opinions matter.

Even though they do not matter.

To feel tough, even as keyboard bravery is an oxymoron, emphasis on the second part of that word.

Seriously, what kind of person goes looking to pick fights online? And then, having not received a response from you in the comments section on Medium, or on social media, writes you an e-mail suggesting that the only reason you didn’t reply the first time is because you’re afraid, or because you have been rendered speechless by their superior display of intellect?

And even more, what kind of person thinks 280 characters of abbreviated insults, or two paragraphs of verbal piss, is really a display of unrebuttable genius? Or worth the time to even read, let alone respond to?

Look brah, I’m 50. Maybe if you’re 19 and your life consists of fapping to anime porn and posting memes on 4chan, you have the luxury of wasting a few minutes compiling snarky ad hominems in a desperate bid for the attention of another human being.

But at my age, every second begins to count, literally, so if you think I’m inclined to waste even one of them responding to your desiccated brain jizz (or merely defining a word like desiccated for you), you have lost your effin’ mind.

However, as a writer and someone who takes language seriously, I can’t help but offer advice to those who deign to put words on a page, even if those words are hateful and stupid. And so here are a few pieces of advice for trolls, because if you’re going to do it, at least learn to do it well.

Calling someone “fuckface” is not an argument. I’m not even sure what the term means although it sounds like it might involve a blow-up doll, so ya know, next time you might not wanna tip your hand so quickly;
Calling someone “libtard” is, likewise, not an argument. It’s also offensive to people with any number of developmental differences. But of course, you already knew that, which is why you used it. Because you’re a shitty person: a term that is only offensive to shitty people, which I already know, which is why I used it.
Questioning the size of a dude’s balls — or even their very existence — is also not an argument. But it is a tell, in gambling terms. Like, for instance, if we were in a Vegas casino, and you were sitting across from me shouting about how you just knew that I didn’t have any Aces, I would be like, “Well, I may or may not have Aces, but I sure as shit know that guy doesn’t.” So, um, noted as to balls, and thanks for sharing Sporus.
It’s really hard to troll someone who gets e-mailed death threats every week. Seriously, every week y’all: death threats that I read out loud in hotel rooms when I’m traveling and bored, in the voice of Goofy, because saying “Get in the Oven, Jew!” or, “I’m gonna put a bullet in your head” in the voice of a Disney character sorta takes the sting out. So, amid that kind of shit, your pee-wee league, tiddly-wink, schoolyard ventilations hurt less than a typical sneeze. But thanks for playing.
If you have like 12 followers on Twitter, have never created anything more substantive than a Reddit thread, and no one but your momma and your Discord pals know who you are — and even they don’t because you’re using a made up name — I don’t owe you anything. In fact, you owe me for wasting my time on your juvenile horseshit. Feel free to sign up on my Patreon so you can make things right. And no, I don’t take bitcoin, loser.
Just because the President you love (because his entire existence is one big troll) thinks insults are arguments, doesn’t make it so. Likewise, the fact that he has such thin skin that he can’t let any criticism go doesn’t mean the rest of us are equally burdened by such a compromised ego formation.
If you want to attack those of us on the left for something we’ve said or written, make sure that it’s an attack based on something we’ve said or written. Referring to something Lenin or Mao said, or blaming us for the Cambodian Khmer Rouge (which of course you’ll misspell and which you’ll forget were finally defeated by the North Vietnamese communists) won’t cut it. I never met Lenin or Mao and can’t vouch for those guys, let alone Pol Pot. And unless you’re prepared to vouch for David Duke or Hitler, you might not want to get into a game of guilt by vague, hyperbolic ideological association.
Oh, and keeping with that point: Yes, Hitler was a right winger as were the Nazis generally. I know you seem to think that the word “socialist” in the whole “national socialist” thing makes them leftists, but it doesn’t. By the same token, in case you’re confused on this point, hot dogs are not made of puppies just because…well, you know the rest.
Your signature moves like calling your targets short, fat or “too ugly to get laid,” are neither arguments nor especially effective. For those of us who are short, we already know. In my case, I’ve been 5'8" long enough to get used to it. It’s not like I’ve been tricking myself into thinking I was 6'3" and you just blew up my clever ruse. For those who are a bit heavy, we know that too, and are either cool with it or not, but if not, still more capable of losing pounds than you are of gaining friends. And seriously, calling someone “too ugly to get laid” while doing the one thing that might be the most opposite of getting laid ever (namely, trolling online while binging Cool Ranch Doritos in between intense gaming sessions) is textbook irony.
And finally, just because speech is free doesn’t mean that it has to be worthless. So try harder. Do better. Read a book. Call your mother (and not just to tell her to bring another Hot Pocket to the basement), and generally find a life outside the world of internet shittiness.

Oh, and know this. If you’re going to troll me in the hopes of getting fed, let me assure you the buffet is closed. So you can eat your angst, you can feast on your rage, but if you’re waiting to gorge yourself on my attention, your belly will remain empty for a very long time.

Unless of course you consider this a meal, in which case, I really hope you enjoyed it. Because it’s all you’re gonna get.