🌻 Pixie Stix  🌻

Without going into graphic detail, for multiple years I was abused almost every day by my ex-girlfriend (I used to consider myself bisexual). She is not in the fandom, so she will stay anonymous. By her, I was manipulated, belittled, publicly shamed, and otherwise emotionally>

abused. I was also struck on numerous occasions any time I tried to defend myself. Everything was always my fault, even when it wasn't. I was made to beg for forgiveness, and spend exorbitant amounts of money to fulfill her every desire, or else I would face the same emotional>

or physical abuse. I was also manipulated into performing, and letting her perform, sex acts that I was not comfortable with, and that still haunt me to this very day. I was manipulated into allowing her to cheat on me, and I was too petrified to do anything about it for months.

She refused to allow me to join the fandom (our breakup which she initiated over this past summer was when I first got my OC) She refused to accept my bisexuality and would constantly, during sex, insult me, my performance, my appearance, you name it. These are just a few things.

I remember one specific time of the many times she threatened me, she told me that I was too ugly and embarrassing to have around her friends, and had me spend hundreds of dollars on designer clothes and cosmetics at the threat of a breakup.

I was forced to be a toy/pet to her, like a puppet or something. I was left with zero control because I was so badly manipulated into thinking the things she said and did to me were to "help me" like she told me. My friends tried to warn me, but I defended her, because that's>

>how I was conditioned to think. I was so afraid to have any autonomy. And the truth is, at the time, I thought it was completely normal. The scariest thing I've learned in my months of therapy since then is that people can become comfortable with ANYTHING. I defended this>

>behavior because that's all I knew! Trust me when I say that people who are in relationships like these often cannot see that they are being abused until long after. I remember after getting dumped in July 2018 buying a gym membership and more new designer clothes to try>

to win her back, because I still thought that's what relationships were, and I still thought that she cared about me, even though now I realize she stopped caring months into the relationship and selfishly dragged me along and used me to fill her every desire.

This was "comfortable" to me. This backwards, abusive relationship, was normal. The kicker is, that I blamed myself until around this past Christmas. I thought that I let this happen, I should have seen the signs, I should have spoken up, I should have ended it. I swear to you>

>that this is NEVER the fault of the person who is abused. When you're in the position I was in, you are blind to the abuse, because all you can see are the once-in-a-blue-moon kind gestures you are given, and you ignore all the rest. Those seldom acts of kindness are the most>

>complicated and confusing emotions I ever felt. Short lived, then dread knowing it would be a while before another. What happens is these gestures just pulled me deeper into the web, because I was tricked into thinking I had a chance at happiness. I loved her more each time.

People can become comfortable with anything, and it's horrifying.

Now I'm left today with the legacy of what I suffered through for nearly 4 years. It would be a lie to tell you I don't still think about the acts that were done to me. I think about them for hours every day. I'm a different person than I was before, and I will never be the same.

While I am certainly over her (I wish to never see or speak to her again), I am still healing from the damage she caused me. Some things you never forget, like the sound of the person you love having sex with your best friend (at the time) while locked out of your own bedroom>

>or being struck in the face in front of a mutual group of our friends, or being told during sex that I'm undesirable, or being belittled at my workplace both over text and in person, because of my acne, my clothing, my body, or my voice. Again, just to name a few of many things.

Things like this lead to potentially lifelong insecurities, anxieties, can manifest into fear, depression, etc. I see far too often victim shaming online and in media, and I just want to let everyone know that it's not your fault. Self-blame couldn't be further from the truth.

While I have finally been able to recognize that I am not to blame for my abuse, I am still dealing with the effects of it, and likely will be for a long time. Specific events from this relationship are the first think I think of when I wake up, and the last thing before I sleep.

Countless people suffer from this, many of whom have it far worse than any of could imagine, and we need to change the dialogue about how we discuss abuse, victims of abuse, and abuse survivors.

Anyone can be abused. Those abused are never to be blamed. Please bear with us as we find our footing. Please do not judge us. Do not call us weak. Do not think that we are incapable of having a happy and stable relationship. While we aren't defined by our abuse, it is>

>undoubtedly a large factor in our lives, and will likely be for a very long time. It has the potential to impact everything we do. I know for me, it affects every facet of my life, from work, to school, to social activities, to the fandom, to my self-expression, you name it.

All I ask for is a little compassion and patience for each and every one of us.

I know this thread was very long and jumbled, but this is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I've been at a very low point with this recently, and I felt it important to be open about my past. Thank you for reading this and for your support. I love you all so much <3