AristideXO · @hotjesusmemes
23rd Nov 2017 from TwitLonger
A long post
Hey y'all, something's gone public and I want to talk about it.
Two years ago, I met a furry that was attending the same university as I was. We were friends for a while, and we had a sexual encounter at their workplace that went poorly. I'm not going to name the other party out of respect for their privacy. I made them feel uncomfortable and I regret doing that, and I've apologized to them personally for it multiple times since. However, the characterization of the incident is wholly inaccurate, and it has brought me significant grief from others who believe that characterization of events.
I did not "pin them to the wall", nor told "[told] them they didn't matter" - this was the same person who I confided in my own sexual assault barely a week prior. Not once did I grab and hold them to any place with any use of force, nor did I ever tell them their autonomy did not matter. Both of these statements are categorically false.
Days later, they told me I had made them incredibly uncomfortable. I apologized, and I told them that I felt it would be best if we spent time apart in order for them to heal - this was based on my own experience of recovery after an assault. We did not speak, in person or on telegram, until they attended the same Medical Anthropology course. This class was required for me to graduate, and this was my final year - I did not choose this class in order to be with them whatsoever.
The other party did not "slowly become cordial with me", I attempted to avoid interacting with them completely for the first two weeks of class until the other party followed out of class. We lived in the same apartment complex, and based on the discussion I had with them following me to the bus station, I assumed they wanted to be friends again. They texted me on Telegram after retaining my number from the year prior. I assumed they wanted to reconnect, so I became friends with them again. In hindsight, I should have told them it was in both of our interest to not do so.
When they say they "knew I hadn't changed" based on completely unrelated behavior with other people, I understand that your projection as a victim is normal. I've done the same thing to other romantic and casual partners where I'd become anxious and fearful based on my past experiences, fears of being preyed upon or being assaulted again became a nexus of re-victimization my rapist left on me years later. I understand that you may have felt these symptoms, but in no way did my behavior towards anyone else during that time intend to be predatory by any definition.
Yes, there was one time we had sex after I bought them lunch. I purchased them lunch before the encounter with absolutely zero expectation of any sexual encounter afterwards. I bought them lunch before the encounter at their workplace, and several times after this. In no way was this an attempt to buy their silence with $9 worth of food - at the time, I thought we were friends, and being friends, I bought them lunch with campus meal plan I had pre-purchased at the start of the semester.
There were other times the other party had made unwanted advances and acted in ways that made me uncomfortable as well. During NYFB in 2015, the other party forcibly kissed me on the lips after I had motioned them I did not want them to. A year after we became friends again, the other party groped me in front of our school's secondary library on my way home without asking nor acknowledging my displeasure at their advances. Another time, the other party refused to leave my apartment after being told to multiple times and at my and my roommates' behest. I have forgiven them for these issues, unspokenly at times, but these incidents are among other examples of erratic and strange behavior made me confused about how the other party felt about me, how they understood our relationship, and how I should act towards them. I am not here to accuse or namecheck the other party, but their omission of these events is troubling given they have failed to ask for my consent nor address my discomfort with their behavior towards me.
I understand that they're scared, that they're hurt, and the current discourse on sexual assault has provided a warmer climate for victims to share their stories. I've discussed mine previously before here: https://aristides-mailbox.tumblr.com/post/147508394088/northeast-regional
Ironically, the other party befriended the individual who raped me when I was sixteen, and based on their close association, I assume they don't believe my experiences are authentic. I can understand that given their perception of events, but I want to make it completely and unequivocally clear - by no legal or cultural definition have I ever committed, participated, engaged in, advocated for, or been a bystander to sexual assault, sexual misconduct, or plain-language rape.
I was angry when I first heard these accusations months ago when I was told of them. A trusted friend discussed them with me after the other party posted about it in detail on another platform. I understand their anger at their perceived lack of justice, and I forgive them for their mischaracterization of events, our relationship, and my relationships with others. I have let them know in the past, both regarding their mental illness in general and their issues with me, that resources are readily available to help them, and that they should seek help no matter what.
When I discussed their disclosure of our first encounter with others, I was not mad, nor did I ever say it was a "dick move" or use similar wording. I said, in plain language, that I was sorry for making them uncomfortable, that they should seek assistance no matter where it was available, and that they should talk about their experience as part of their healing process. Not once did I ever advocate or suggest that they should keep silent for the sake of my academic standing or for fear of legal consequences. I said offhandedly that I would be violent towards myself or drop out of school during that conversation, which I regret, but only out of genuine exhaustion and mental distress of the harm I felt I caused. I asked for their complete and unequivocal forgiveness during that conversation, and the other party said plainly “I forgive you”. I only wish I had been told the truth so that I would have been able to engage with them more effectively given how they felt and feel about me by giving them more space or disengaging with them, or any other act at their behest that would have improved their well-being.
If the other party is reading this, I'll say in public what I've told you in private for two years: I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, and I fully apologize for not recognizing the signs of your discomfort earlier in the encounter. I apologize for bringing up the idea of the encounter at all, knowing that doing something like that at your workplace was dangerous and a poor decision to begin with. I hope that you have been able to, or are able to, find counseling and assistance that will help you recover and thrive throughout your life. I hold no ill will towards you, and though I have privately held what I will only describe as heavy and short-willed grievances towards you to others, I hold nothing against you.
To my friends: I am sorry to disappoint you like this in my behavior, and I hope that you will understand both my apology to the other party as heartfelt honesty and the nuance I am trying to bring to this event. The other party's description of events is not an honest account of what happened roughly three years ago, and I hope that you trust me enough to believe both victims of assault in a broad sense, while believing that I did not commit these offenses towards the other party. I admit to making them uncomfortable, and failing to readily recognize signs of their discomfort, but not once have I ever, or will I ever in any reasonable context, dismiss anyone's autonomy under any capacity. Not once have I ever, or will I ever, commit or encourage the violation of anyone autonomy, sexual or otherwise.
To anyone that doesn't know me: I understand your skepticism of what I've said here. Believing victims is important, and fostering a culture and legal system where victims are able to come forward and share their stories is important - being a victim myself, I held my trauma privately from everyone I knew for years. I hope that you will understand and accept my apology while understanding that trauma, pre-existing mental illness, and other factors can impact memories of a traumatic event, and that consent is not as black and white as we wish it was. There are rare, but precedent cases where the divide between a victim's account and the actual account have differed significantly, and cases where victims have embellished stories for unknown reason. The Duke Lacrosse case and the UVA Rolling Stone scandal are not descriptive nor similar of what happened between myself and this other party, but they are prominent examples that tell us one thing - we ought to support victims in their quest for healing and justice as much as we can, but we cannot convict on testimony and allegation alone.
I've learned, and I know that in the weeks and months that have passed, how to work on my flaws and how to fill holes within myself to make myself better at every opportunity. I'm not done, nor am I anywhere near done, but I will never lose faith, nor myself, as I try each day.
I appreciate everyone for taking the time to read this. If you want to reach out for any reason, my DMs are open and my telegram is AristideXO.