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Being young in the gay community but not wanting the whole "have fun while you're young" kind of thing
So i'm 19 right, came out to everyone, past the whole "figuring out my sexuality" deal, and I feel like it might've been a mistake figuring myself out this early.
I've never had the urge to party, hookup, or anything like that, and it seems like literally every other gay guy my age is all about that life. I've tried dating older guys (like 23-25) and it always ended up with the age being a problem.
The fact that I want something more subtle and genuine is just making me lose hope. Would it be wise to forget about guys until i'm a bit older? Or is my mindset all fucked....
Your mindset is not fucked - on the contrary, it sounds like you know who you are. Many will find that attractive.
I wouldn’t give up on dating, but you will need patience.
On the other hand some people will view OP as overly naive thinking he knows what he wants without having tried much of anything.
(To give the counter point OP will encounter but which won’t be explained when guys run)
(OP here)It's not that I haven't tried much of anything though. I've tried hooking up, and even though it wasn't a "bad experience", it just amplified my yerning for a genuine connection.
I'm horny like everyone else, but sex with someone that I don't want an actual life with is hardly sex in my eyes.
And when i've had some kind of a genuine connection with a guy I dated, there was no better feeling in the world to me (even though he later ended up ditching me for his partyboy ex loll)
You sound the same as me when I was 19, but i'm 21 now. Not much of anything has changed for me since then though. I think there are more like people like this than you think-- just generally it's harder to find them. I found myself very very early, and I too feel 'over' the exploring type of thing too. It's tough for sure
When you feel that connection with another person, it is super special. And having quick and easy sex doesn’t change how special “special sex” can be.
Maybe we’re wired differently, and that’s part of what makes life nice.
But at some point my thinking on people evolved. Why should I hold up an ex who broke my heart as the pinnacle of human relationship?
Why not the guy who I hung out with for a weekend, who showed me his city, napped with me in a park, and then gazed at the stars while sipping Prosecco, who still occasionally messaged me to say he’s thinking of me?
Relationships come in all sorts of forms. Trying to sort every man into either “possible next husband” or “at best, a friend” is exhausting work and it limits your ability to experience the world, especially because as we date, we learn more about what we are looking for in a partner, what aspects about him are negotiable and what are non-negotiable.
I don’t have all the answers—far from it. I’m figuring life out just like you. But what I can tell you is that I’ve had a lot more fun and had a more interesting time by pursuing what I want rather than what other people suggest I should want.
Best of luck to you buddy! There’s no way to live life, and you’ve gotta find the way that works for you.
As one of the ones around his age range, I have yet to see many dudes who wouldn't nope out of his desired situation.
But I also think he’s ahead of the game by knowing he doesn’t want to party and sleep around. Some people just aren’t built that way.
Well if they think that they are wrong. Being certain at 19 that you will never change is maybe naive. But knowing what you do and don’t want for yourself at the moment is not naive at all. Listening to other people when they tell you what you must want, that is naive.
naive thinking he knows what he wants without having tried much of anything.
The irony being that straight people attempt to use this "argument" against gays all the time in general too.
No one seriously uses this argument because it can just be turned around and used for straight people too. "How are you sure you won't like taking a cock up your ass?"
They drop it immediately.
Except that I’ve watched gays dump their BF because they want to hoe around, or they discover they actually both prefer to bottom etc etc
True, and yet none of that is proof of the underlying claim that
"you cannot know what you want if you haven't tried [x]"
Yes you can. Some people do, some people need to experiment around to see. Neither group should project its behavior onto the other.
My argument is more specifically about having the hubris to think you can predict your future wants accurately. You can’t.
I don't know about you but so far I could without any issues. So as I said, the hubris is rather on you for projecting.
Kind of same here. 19 and passed all the “figuring out my own sexuality” stuff. Used to really into hookups but honestly I just want to find someone that I can be in a relationship with which seems impossible at this age
Amen. It wasnt until I was 26 until I was in a real relationship. I felt the same way.
Wow were you looking for relationships before you hit 26? I think this is going to be me too :(
Jesus christ I'mma lose hope by then, hook ups just make me feel like a whore and really dirty
I kinda was, but honestly, I couldn't tolerate the lack of respect a lot of gays had towards themselves.
Mainstream gay culture has been based on hookups and casual sex because it was repressed for so long. It’s hard because your wants are totally normal but gay culture isn’t really structured that way. You’ll have more success when your older.
I'm in the same boat as you! I'm 19, gay, and not about that hookup life. I want a boyfriend that I can spend some quality time with, cuddle with, take a nap with, etc. I hope that I find one soon! Rooting for you as well :)
18 here, and I'm exactly like you. I would kill if it means I could sleep with a man's arms around me.
Same, I'm about to turn 19 and I've never been in the hookup scene and I don't want to be. I just want a boyfriend, yet everyone I meet wants to fuck. I get it though, many of the guys are sex deprived and are just looking to fulfill something other people get to do much earlier and easier than them (the darn Straights™).
Same here. I’m 20 and the few hookups I’ve had were mostly to prove that I’m into guys.
I enjoyed them, but I wouldn’t have had them in the first place if I hadn’t felt pressured to.
Yeah same here. I’m not even that concerned about sex, I just want someone to hold and call my own. Yeeeeah I think I’m a bit touch starved
Welcome to the family. I’m 20, and never hooked up just not my style. I prefer searching for someone special and yeah it’s hard since a lot of people our age is so sex obsessed but don’t give up, don’t think bad of yourself eventually someone will come :)
Okay, so I’m 25, and I sympathise entirely with this.
I never wanted the whole hook up culture, I did it once or twice but just ended up with instant feelings of regret and feeling dirty and guilty for days afterwards.
I don’t like gay bars, don’t like bars full stop, never been a big fan of all of the clubbing etc., my idea date is going for a nice meal and a walk in the countryside.
I got there! At the age of 23, found a guy like me who wanted something the same, he was 24. Only disadvantage is that he’s way more experienced than me, having had basically been the university slut/stud, which somewhat annoyed me when I was learning things in the bedroom for the first time but there we are.
We’re nearly at two years and it’s going strong. It has ups and downs but what relationship doesn’t?
Basically, it’s possible. I think generally the gay community can struggle as most men are dogs when it comes to sex, very few around that age bracket 18-26 or so, actually take things seriously....in my experience.
The worst by far are the guys who say they want something serious but end up being fuck boys four dates in and just going silent on you. Drove me mad.
Whether or not I will have a crushing regret at the age of 30 because I didn’t fuck around enough I don’t know, but I highly doubt it. I’m not wired that way.
Hope this is mildly helpful.
At 30, you wont have regret. I'm 30 and I'm very happy I found a man similar to me (not a partier) and we both push each other to be our best selves. I would not have found him if I was in the hookup scene.
Aww wholesome! Where'd y'all meet or you don't mind me by asking?
I got transfered job while working at applebees. He was working at the new job and we just hit it off!
Omg seeing this comment made my day. Story of my life. I just turned 23 i hope i find a guy who is not a partier and just likes to eat out and take walks etc. Ive struggled to find a guy all this time. Im young fit and intelligent. I sometimes think im ugly although most guys think im gorgeous. I dont understand why i cant find a guy. I hate clubs and bars so i dont want to try looking there. Not even sure at this point want to do.
Honestly, you’ll get there, I basically just turfed through Tinder for years to find this guy. Most guys when I said I’m looking for something serious would just disappear from my match list. It’s remarkable. Commitmentphobes in the gay community are rife.
Also, you will just meet friends of friends. I sometimes had friends who’d suggest a friend of theirs to date. I mean in my experience friends are horrible at suggesting dates, but it’s a good way of getting yourself out there.
This is literally me..same age as you and I don’t want to hookup and party..I want to find my husband and start a family but it seems like ALL the gay guys around me just want to fuck and party and nothing else..it’s frustrating
At least from what I have found most gay men are just average Joe's (by that I mean not the kind you know right away), which is kind of difficult for them because unless act like the stereotype your not going to get many people hitting on you.
My advice it to try to develop friendships and stuff and dont be afraid to tell your crushes when your into them, even if you get rejected you can still be friends unless they are dumb faces. And then eventually one of them will feel the same way. Dont always assume that guy you think is straight until you know for sure lol.
This is kind of unrelated to your think but people need to be more open to that stuff, there is no reason to be mad at a gay dude hitting on you if your straight or a straight woman hitting on a gay guy if they dont know their sexuality, as long as its appropriate and not creepy it's kind of just a compliment, or at least that's how it's been for me.
Amen. There are tons of just average Joe gays out there, but they are hard to find because they aren't stereotypes. I agree. Make and develop friendships and if they move farther than that, all the better!!
No you are right where u should be. Just because there’s more of a different mindset doesn’t make urs any less valid. When I was single at 19 and was sick of hooking up and dating around, and wanted a real connection. I found him literally a month after I started losing hope, and now I couldn’t be happier with him. 4.5 years and stronger than ever. So keep on doing you my man 👌🏻
You don't think it had anything to do with luck? Or else, how do you suppose you were able to die someone to quickly?
I feel the same tbh. I’ve tried Grindr and fooled around a bit but it doesn’t feel right. I’m value solitude a lot and am pretty reserved and feel like it will be difficult finding someone because of that.
No, you're being smart.
It's proven that hook ups bring only misery in a long run – loneliness, insecurities, self-shaming, anxiety, depression and addictions. The whole "hoe phase" nonsense just wastes the best years of gays' lives. They keep having sex with multiple partners who they don't even remember next day, they have no good memories for the future, no bond with anyone, just a possible collection of STDs and lack of perspectives for exploring your love life, as you've aged and no one will want you.
Spending your youth, best looks and energy on romance and relationships is the smartest thing you can do. And kinky, passionate sex? That goes along with romance really well.
But that's the problem, I do think sex in a relationship is sooooooo sooo much better, and there's no better feeling to me than having that kind of person with me. But guys my age don't feel that way :(
It also depends on where you look. Places like Grindr are gonna get you a ton of hookups. I got lucky early on, but my understanding is that going to an actual dating site like Match lands you people who actually want dates
my understanding is that going to an actual dating site like Match lands you people who actually want dates
that's the theory, and it may be more likely than on grindr, but it's far from a guarantee.
Usually true.
My problem was that the guys who were on Match or OkCupid simply weren't attractive. I'm talking about the guys with a dozen facial piecrings and neck tattoos, and tons of overweight dudes too. I wasn't so desperate for a date that I'd lower my standards like that, so I would just delete those profiles.
I ended up just sticking to hooking up with hot guys on Grindr and Tinder until eventually one of them turned into a FWB and now he has been my boyfriend of almost 4 years.
Just go out there, meet people in person, get to know them without relationship intentions, and have fun on your terms. Dating apps simply establish an electronic connection, not a social one. Some people I know found their significant other when they weren’t looking. 😉
I think in the same way as you do, and the best you can do is being patient! You are 19 years old, don't try to run, enjoy your life while you are open to love, and with this, I am not saying that you should have sex with everyone
I think there are plenty of guys that feel that way, but they don't speak up about it. I've spoken to quite some guys online and a lot of guys want a relationship ultimately when you get to know them better. Thing is that a lot of them are still figuring out who they are themselves and are often too insecure to get into anything serious.
OP we exist, we are very few and far between though. what I have been doing, and its been somewhat working, is i go on grindr/tinder and i make my expectations VERY clear. for example something along these lines:
"..no hookups... only looking for dates." Of course, you will get the fucknuts who see a young guy and go "me wanna fuck u only" but you just need to ignore/weed them out. This approach takes time but it does work.
I obviously mean in my own experience. Don't be that guy.
It is not proven that hook ups do all that lol, maybe thats how it'd affect you but not every gay who hooks up is has this traits, I wouldn't even say a majority do, there are different types of people dude
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I have all of those without hooking up.
Speak for yourself. I love hookups. I find them empowering. Having friends with benefits is also a really nice thing.
Your perspective on sex is really negative. I don’t have any STIs, I’m friends with many guys I’ve hooked up with, and stay in contact with many of them. My life would be a lot more boring without the Grindr hookups throughout my “hoe phase”.
One recent example of this is a british guy I reconnected with in Portugal 4 years after meeting him when he visited my American city.
You can control what kind of hoe phase you have, and you’re allowed to keep the nice guys you find in your life.
And as a counter point, I’ve seen multiple relationships end because one of the guys felt like he missed out on being a hoe when the sex with his long term boyfriend gets old.
You really only life once, and you can’t do it all. Everyone has to make their own choices. I chose the hoe route and have really enjoyed it, and I plan to settle down in a handful of years at 30-35.
I'm totally with you, having tons of sex is super fun plus most of my fuckbuddies these days have turned I to friends! What's wrong with wanting to experience more or be career driven before settling down great!
Agree with u on hoe phase..Settling down at 30-35 is hard to plan. Love comes whenever. How old r u now? Many of my friends are still single at 40..
I’ll settle down earlier if it happens but at 30 I plan to be settled in a city I plan on living in for a decade or more
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Here, let me fix this:
“It's proven that hook ups usually bring misery in the long run...”
It's proven that hook ups bring only misery in a long run
This absolutely is not proven.
Perhaps if you're saying "the long run" is eschewing relationships just to have hookups until you're old, then yeah... but having hookups while you're single and open to relationships does not bring misery. It's not for everyone, but equally abstaining from sex until you find a boyfriend isn't for everyone.
EDIT: wait I saw it was /u/lazy_summer_god nvm
It is, and I'm slowly getting tired of relinking the studies and articles.
Perhaps if you're saying "the long run" is eschewing relationships just to have hookups until you're old, then yeah... but having hookups while you're single and open to relationships does not bring misery.
Well, then we agree.
EDIT: wait I saw it was /u/lazy_summer_god nvm
What is that supposed to mean, lol?
You're notorious for your negativity. I had the same realization too.
It's proven that hook ups bring only misery in a long run – loneliness, insecurities, self-shaming, anxiety, depression and addictions.
It's fine if you don't want to partake in hook ups, but please don't spread these kind of lies.
These studies are mostly about the effect of hookup culture on women university students. Do you have any peer reviewed scientific studies about the effects of hookup culture on gay men?
Have to step in and say (as a person that doesn't do hookups) that scientific study does not equate to fact.
It depends on what you mean by “fact”. Any historical observation—if correctly observed—is a fact. It’s just that the facts produced by any study are used to measure probabilities.
Have to step in and say (as a person that doesn't do hookups) that scientific study does not equate to fact.
You sound like Trump when he's talking about climate change.
Don't lose hope. Just put yourself out there a little more and you're bound to meet someone who feels the same way as you do.
I'm 20 (I've only been so since Wednesday) and the same as you. Besides not knowing what I was for a long time, I think it's the reason I've never kissed anybody or have had sex. I've always wanted a boyfriend I can tell things to, do things with, etc. Don't think badly of yourself, OP. Our time will come.
My first lover and I met up at 19, and settled right in. We were together 16 years. When his parents became incapacitated they even asked us to raise his much younger brothers. Let me tell you, that was a trip! An interracial gay couple in the early 80s raising two boys! But that's another story!
Your mindset is not fucked. There are lots of guys like you and I, but your problem is they are all spread out. You will have to patient. There is nothing to be gained by trying to force yourself to join in the drunken and drugged up promiscuity of the immature.
The key at this stage is to find out what give you joy in life. I am talking about the mundane little particular hobbies and activities. Not grand poetry. Find the wholesome activities that so engage you that you forget yourself entirely while doing them. When you find out what those, try and place yourself doing them among gays, if possible. This is where you will find others like yourself, and the compatible ones as well.
It's a respectable perspective. Act like the person you want to be.
You're still figuring stuff out though. In a year you're unlikely to be the same person. Makes it hard to date you as an older man. Additionally, your dating pool is even more limited because you can't date down much.
Give it time; you're so young. Enjoy the journey and the things you find along the way.
So what are you doing to meet people? You don't have to party or hookup if its not your thing, but by their very nature those 2 activities put you in contact with people. Yes a lot of them will be purely superficial connections, but a small percentage have the potential for more. If you just sit at home watching netflix and refreshing the apps you will struggle to make as many connections as you would in person.
Secondly, at 19 you're still forming your own identity as is everyone else your age. People are just starting university and still figuring out what they want out of life. Your life will change massively over the next 5-10 years. You don't know where your career could take you. You might end up moving around a lot chasing jobs and promotions. Having long term partners at this stage can actually be detrimental your individual progress. I've known people turn down very good job prospects and things they'd dreamed about because they were in a relationship and prioritised that, only to end up breaking up later either due to resentment or unrelated issues but having nothing to show for it in the end. Its almost impossible at 19 to find someone who shares your life goals and worldview because you're still in the process of forming them.
Most become popular because they are together, or they get together because they are popular- the numbers game works in their favor. Most people don't have 10k followers that and show the person to a friend and friend of a friend and help them get a date.
On top of that many insta people are faking it. Faking the relationships, faking the money, and faking the whole situation. Some make a ton of money, many scrape by. There are some great write-ups and documentary pieces out there about it all.
A lot of social media is about as real as "reality TV". Heck on Reddit there was a bestof about Insta (http://np.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/aevwj4/first_poster_for_netflixs_documentary_fyre_a/edu7l9l) and what is faked and real. It is not uncommon. Another story about it: http://resourcemagonline.com/2018/05/new-documentary-reveals-the-real-lives-of-social-media-stars/89504/ that still tries to put a positive spin on things. Like anything in life it is not all fake and not all lies. However, I liken it to porn. They only show you the good parts and the parts they want you see/ believe. There is a lot more to it and a lot of build up, context, and truth/ reality gets lost.
I wasn’t into the partying and hooking up thing either when I was younger (I’m 31 now), and I don’t regret not doing that. I did other things, and have much better memories of my youth because of it.
Dating was oddly successful for me. I started dating a guy when I was 22, he’s the same age, and we’ve now been together for 9 years. So there’s luck for you yet, mate!
You do you, and you’ll find someone else who appreciates that. For me, there’s nothing less attractive than guys mindlessly conforming to what they think a gay should do. Just be patient with dating, and you’ll meet someone who likes that you’re different 🙂
Good luck mate!
I am the exact same why... I'm even younger and honestly, I just want to settle down and find my man, it's so hard.
You’re not alone, I’m the same age and hookups and one night stands just don’t appeal to me either. Don’t feel bad.
This is how I’ve been. I don’t club or anything. My boyfriend of four years found that very attractive because he knows I would never be the one to get drunk and do insane things. Cut to four years later of dating and we are happily engaged.
I’m 21 and am fine with getting married because I know I didn’t miss out on much (we also do a bunch couple things smirk smirk). And that older gays comment of yours made me chuckle xD my fiancé is 31, and I wouldn’t even consider him an older gay.
You’ll find your match. You’re only 19 anyway.
As us older gay men can tell you: You will change a lot in your 20s. It is a time a growth and finding your own path away from family and childhood friends. If that is what you want then honor it! Just be up front with those you meet of your beliefs. (When I met my husband we both talked about waiting to have sex for a while. We were both on the same page. It isn't that un-common) I met the love of my life at age 40. Before that I learned a great deal about relationships and people that helped me prepare to have a healthy long term relationship. Don't put pressure on yourself the "find" that RIGHT man right now. What's the hurry? Enjoy your life. Date when it feels right. I have 2 siblings that also found their great love after 35.
We all need to stop pretending like we know everything and everyone. It's too common an issue....
Because we use the apps and consume the same media we begin to falsely believe that we know every gay guy in the community and instantly start using that to make parallels to ourselves saying things like, "there is no one for me here" or "I'm just not like everyone else" and "not in the scene" and it's silly.
Yes you will see plenty of people wanting to fuck and drink and slay, but it's naïve to think your the only one who thinks differently, the ones who don't want that lifestyle are living that lifestyle you just can't see them because there isn't an app for it, nor is it represented in media. No movie is going to have a quiet bookworm who requires intimacy only once every 5 years as the gay guy.
The flip side of this is wondering what you’re going to regret not doing when you’re older. I’m not suggesting that you’re going to miss out on hookups, but there are other experiences that are worth having. For example, a friend that I met when i was in my early 30’s both bond over a bar that we went to when we were in our 20s even though we never went there with each other. It was a shared experience and something we can both relate to. A lot of life is like that, and if you’re setting yourself up for more disappointment later.
Also, you cant easily stay out until 4am when you’re 40.
Sorry but your example doesn't make much sense. You met a guy and bonded over the fact you both used to go to a bar? And that translate to op missing out on experiences??
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I’m 100% just like you I’m 21 and I feel like everyone is partying every weekend. Don’t get me wrong it’s fun to party during the holidays or birthdays. But I feel like our generation of the gay community is always out there partying and drinking every weekend and sometimes in the middle of the week. I feel like everyone is only wanting to hook up which there’s nothing wrong with that and I’m no one to judge, but for someone who’s looking for something more than a hookup I find it tiring. And ironically these are guys who wonder why they’re not in relationships. Lol
Look as someone who just past that age (23) I'm gonna give you the uncomfortable truth and I'll probably get downvoted for it youre mind set is what's making you miss out.
No one says you have to fuck everything that moves and regret the next day, but almost no dudes I've met wants to be in a relationship when they're young.
Go out be gay! Dont have sex, clubs suck I'm with you on that, join activities or sports for other gay guys! But if you're gonna find a guy at your age it's most likely gonna be through hook ups and one night stands that turn into more.
Plus being so young what youre gonna want is gonna change monthly, it happens, and it's a good thing as you grow dont limit yourself cause you perceive something to be a certain enjoy every different opportunity you can!
I partied, just not sex partied. I never had the slit phase, not too interested in that. In a random fantasy yeah I’d like to do a bunch of shit I’d never done and would do in real life. I’m 28 now and looking for something serious. My ideal man is a best friend that fucks me hahaha
I'm an introvert, have had sex with only two men, married the second. Neither of us party or care much for loud stuff, dancing, flashy stimuli, or really any of the extroverted gay stereotypes other than a killer dinner party once a year.
We are a quiet gaymer couple with a variety of friends, most of whom are heterosexual but that's because sexuality shouldn't matter in friendships. We mine/research cryptocurrency, travel, game, fuck, and relax together to reruns of La Femme Nikita or Frasier. Neither of us could sit through Ru Paul anything or withstand 30 seconds of Beyoncé without jumping off our balcony. Just who we are, but it's frequently a tough reminder that we are just as valid in the community as anyone else and they as valid as we.
Basically do your own thing. There are no wrong answers and you'll find a match. I can practically guarantee that you won't find a match if you are inauthentic, so please be you.
I was like you and now I regret it. Mistakes are easier to live with than regrets.
I had opportunities when I was younger and didn't take them. Now I regret it.
They’re harder to find. People who are more solemn, focused on their studies, wanting something long term etc. usually aren’t the ones who get up and put themselves out there on dating/hookup apps or the social scene unfailingly and consistently.
It means you have to be patient and structure your search accordingly. You might not find it while looking for it. You might find it exactly where you expected to (on tinder or something). But in my experience if you write something on tinder that’s a good reflection of who you are and what you’re looking for, you’ll find someone else looking for the same thing.
I know what that's like. I came out when I was 14 and all I've experienced in the gay community is a bunch of people talking about how many dudes they scored and stuff like that. I never really understood why its seen a "good thing" when gay people sleep with dozens of people.
So don't worry, you aren't alone in this mindset.
Guys' libidos don't begin to settle down till their 30's. Even then, most still act like old teenagers and continue to be compelled by hormones.
That said, there are a lot of gay guys like you, but you're never going to find them in the usual places gays congregate (grindr, scruff, tinder, bars, clubs, etc), because it's not their thing and they hate the constant sexual attention. Most seem to find boyfriends the old fashion way, by running into a stranger they like out and about, or in meeting them during group activities they both enjoy.
At age 19 I was the same way — claimed that I didn’t like to party, didn’t like drinking, wasn’t into hookups.
As it turns out, I didn’t give any of those things a shot at the time. At 19, my experience with parties was plagued with social anxiety. I avoided alcohol due to alcoholism running in my family. I avoided hookups because I was uncomfortable with my body and therefore uncomfortable with sex altogether.
While I did have my sexuality figured out, there were other things I still needed to figure out, too. I’d say give them a shot every now and again before writing them off.
These can be valuable experiences in your own self-discovery and you may not be ready for them at age 19, but perhaps later when you enter college, live alone for the first time, or get your first “real job.”
I think you may be the one person assuming OP isn't already a college student.
Perhaps OP is foregoing college. That’s why I listed it with several other things he may be doing at this point such as moving out and living alone or pursuing a “real job” in a trade.
well, you're 19. things can change, and people want different things at different ages.
many people want to have a baseline of common experience, and with an age difference that baseline can vary (even when the age difference is relatively small).
losing hope so early in the game is pretty unreasonable, though.
Not everyone wants hookups, you just always hear from the guys who do because they don’t want anything else. Look into attachment theory, hookups are more of an ‘avoidant attachment’ thing, and avoidants are very abundant in the dating world because they’re usually single.
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to party. Like others have said a lot of people would find it attractive, being confident in who you are is always a good thing. If anybody doesn’t like it, then they aren’t the right person for you. Remember dating is a 2 way street, it’s not all about pleasing the other person, you also have to be happy.
All the best.
Wow this is honestly me, all the gays at my college are obsessed with sex and partying, and I’m obsessed with trying to get good grades, and to not get an STD
I feel you and thanks for the last part ahah Say no to STDs fam.
I'm 18 this year and I'm in a similar situation. It's just cause our generation is so sex-crazed its hard to find a proper guy to date and THEN start getting into sexual acts. All I need is a cute, brown eyed guy who wants to take things slow, rather than dive into sex immediately.
It’s ok!! Not wanting to hookup constantly, in my books, is a good thing. I’m exactly in the same boat as you are, I’ve tried hooking up with people but it just doesn’t feel right. A trick I’ve been taught is to: just breathe. Sometimes it feels like no one likes you, the world hates your guts and the universe wants you to be alone forever, but just take a deep breath and smile, it’ll calm you down at the very least :) Good luck!
Nah gay people come in all flavors. If you want the more subtle stable gay you got to hunt harder, maybe through dating apps . but you are right a lot if the non party gay types are focused on school or career at your age so if that's what you're looking for it might be best to do the same. Then when you're on your way to being a doctor or whatever you'll have access to the top tier professional gay guys. :)
This was me. I met a guy when I was 19, he was 28. We've been together for 7 years, married 5. Some people just know what they want and don't need that wild period. He's only the third guy I've ever dated. The age difference wasn't an issue between us, but it was for all his friends. We lied about my age (I look older) at first, but once we were serious we were open about the difference.
It's possible, you just have to keep looking for a like minded person, whether they be your age or older. They're out there.
I'm really struggling to get out of the mindset of hookups. I really haven't enjoyed a lot of them, and all my dates seem to end up hookups and it's almost as if I already know I don't like the person enough to date so I might as well get something out of it at least. But yeah, sex itself isn't doing it for me, and I'd much rather find someone to open up to in a genuine relationship
Live your life for you. Study, work, go out, make friends. The rest will come
I'm the older guy (28), and people around me are still like that, smh. I guess I'm still lucky to have my caring (but homophobic) parents to be around with, but beyond that and just work... I'm not sure what's the point to life anymore.
This was literally my obstacle as well at your age (I’m now 28). I came out at 16 and there were not really any other gay people around me so by the time I graduated high school and got into college I had had years to figure myself out while everyone else around me was just starting that process.
Plus, as someone who was already very mature for my age and introspective I never reverted back to an immature mindset after coming out like a lot of guys do. I wish I could give you answers on what would make this easier for you but I’m honestly still waiting to find the right person myself. All I can say is that you and your thinking are not the problem, you’re just more mature and you’ll have to deal with a lot of fucking frogs before you find the right guy because the gay community doesn’t really encourage self reflection and growth.
Read The Velvet Rage. I think that will help you feel less alone.
You are lucky to have figured this out young. The whole party and hookup culture is fine for those who want it, but it can have serious consequences. You don’t have to make those mistakes. Go date. You are going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. That’s ok too. It’s just that you are at this stage of your journey. Remember, I said kiss the frog. Anything else is up to you, but don’t settle
Too many people here either support one side or another. You have to understand that different people have different personalities and goals in their life.
I think majority of gay people around our age simply are still figuring out who they are and as well as trying to live their life as ‘normal’ to avoid being stereotypically gay. So generally the ones you run into now are more confident in who they are and thus they tend to be more extroverted.
Unfortunately most platforms for gay dating is taken over mostly by people who are looking for sex. I suggest trying anyway. I find also some online platforms like reddit are useful. Theres no need to hurry into a commited relationship.
You're not wrong to want what you want and your search won't really be thwarted by it either. It'll just be different and slower. Insert quality-not-quantity platitude here.
I'd advise only that you state your goals openly & positively -- that is, without voicing hostility to what you see as the prevailing preference. Realize that you'll still run into some guys who may think (or pretend) theirs align with yours but end up mismatched. You'll be better off acknowledging those as learning experiences rather than disappointments. Some of them may even turn into lasting friendships.
This isn’t a gay problem. This is a age problem. Lots of/most 19-23 year olds want to party while they’re young. You’ll have to seek out the chill ones which will be difficult They are out there!
I swear this is at least half of us. I’m 19 too and in the exact same position, we need a support group lmao
I’m 18 and don’t really have the desire to hook up. I’d much rather find a boyfriend, like you would, and similarly find that a lot of guys are only about hook-ups. Take solace in knowing that a lot of the responses here seem to be similar to mine and that there are guys like us around.
I figured out I was gay at 13, but didn't come out until I was safely into young adulthood and out of the house. The problem with guys who give you advice is that they're almost all going to tell you why you should be just like them. You need to be like you. You know what you want and you 1) shouldn't let others talk you out of it, and, 2) shouldn't try to tell others into a different lifestyle that they're wrong and you're right.
Is finding Mr. Right hard? Hell Yes! I looked for multiple years until I found him. And years are long and seem even longer when you feel lonely. But you have to keep getting out there, meeting guys and going on dates until it happens. You'll meet losers and guys who will break your heart and make you cry, but you'll also meet new friends, and some of those friendships will last a lifetime. You'll have a great time on your search if you let yourself. Really.
Wow. I’m 27. When I was 19, I felt the exact same way. In fact, I asked a similar question on Yahoo Answers before I knew Reddit was a thing. I wanted something stable. I didn’t want to hook up with lots of guys either or fall into the whole “have fun while your young” mentality but I felt pressured to at times by my peers. Your post hits close to home.
No. You don’t have to hold off on dating guys. There are others your age who want the same thing you do. You just haven’t found the right guy yet. There’s also nothing wrong with holding off on dating and “having fun while you’re young”, just make sure you’re only doing that because you want it. Not out of peer pressure. If you don’t want that, you’re still normal. I promise you, your mindset is not fucked at all.
You’re perfect the way you are. Thank you for sharing. Cheers! 🥂
How did this post gain so much popularity when I posted about the same thing?
No one is stopping you from going on dates.
Once you establish that the person on the other side of the table doesn't want what you want, thank them for their time and leave.
Plenty of guys your age want the exact same thing. Not finding them doesn't mean they don't exist. It means you are impatient. Life only gets harder with the whole 'waiting' thing. You won't get far if you don't learn patience early on. Everything always takes too long and looks a lot different when it finally comes. Literally everything.
Most of the time it is worth the wait though.
I’m 27 and have felt the way you feel. I was never a binge drinker and I hate going out. Don’t think too much about it... guys, especially the older ones who DID live that lifestyle tell me that I’m doing it the right way. That they made many mistakes by living that way.
So I don’t worry too much about it anymore :)
I was on that same boat, friend! It wasn't until 25 that I met my better half, and not until 28 that we started to date seriously. I'm now 31 and we're engaged :)
I was the same as you. Took some time but I lucked out and found someone and we ended up dating for like 6 years. Now I'm a big ol hoe trying to make up for lost time lol.
The grass is always greener honey. Just be patient and stay true to who you are in this moment and every moment. Don't forget to appreciate the things you DO have either.
I say don't give up. You have standards of what you want & what you want is something more serous.that's respectable
You literally sound like the 19 year old version of me and there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to party. Heck I live close to Hollywood area and I never in my life stepped foot in a club or bar because it’s not my thing. I was still in the closet back when I was 19. I think when you hit 21 more guys will want to go out since you can’t even drink legally. I’m 26 and have been in a relationship with a guy that’s significantly older than me, but our personalities are so much alike and one day he tells me I have what he called an “old soul” which is precisely what I am. The only thing that I have going for my young soul is that I have a huge passion and love for cars which is somewhat of a turn off for my boyfriend when I spend a little too much money on my car for modifications. Moral of the story, it’s okay to be young and not want to have that bachelor lifestyle.
I’m stereotyping, but look for some nerdy gay guys around you.
Start a regular board game night or other group activity that’s focused on a smaller group of people hanging out together. Invite guys you think would be into it and beg them to bring some guys they know. Jump on some of the dating apps/sites and invite guys.
You’ll end up getting to know a whole new circle of people. Sure, you’ll still run into guys who like to party and are looking to hookup, but expectations for that night are clear. And if you end up dating a partier, that doesn’t mean you guys can’t split nights. For example, you can have your activity that you do together on Friday, then split on Saturday and he can go out With friends.
Nothing’s wrong with knowing what you want, but know that hoe phase which you described builds your character. And live the moment, just because you lost your hope and had some bad relationships, don’t postpone your wishes to the future. Your mindset is fine.
I don't even think I can make a useful comment after you said you're 19 and you've tried dating older guys who are 23...
There’s no rush to meet the right guy. Someone will pop up when you least expect it. At a party or through colleagues. Find your tribe and have fun, don’t waste your years staying indoors on your own because you’ll never bump into him that way.
You are definitely on the right track and have the values that will lead to a happy, rich life. There is a 14 year age difference between my husband and me. We have been together 37 years. They have been the richest years of my life and the sex we have shared as been by far the best we have ever had. Practice makes perfect.
Be patient. It took my 8 years of looking and I was beginning to wonder if I would find the right man to share my life with. On our first date I knew "this is the one."
(OP here) Thank y'all for the kind advice, means alot. As alot of you have said, I am very impatient, it's one of my worse qualities. But that doesn't mean I haven't tried things on both sides.
I've TRIED the hookup life to try and ignore my deep craving for something meaningful and it only made it worse.
And when I had a boyfriend that I actually genuinely liked (even though he ended up leaving me for his party boy ex), it was the best feeling in the world having someone that wanted to commit to me and love me back like that.
Guess what i'm trying to say is i'm not exactly inexperienced, even if I still have alot to learn. It kinda seems like i'm just trying to justify not finding something meaningful by putting the thought in my head that it simply isn't there.
Again thank you everyone
To be honest, you’re too young to be this jaded. True love develops organically. Most of the time, it is not instant; like in the movies. Most people are not this mature at your age and if you’re truly looking for more than a quick shag and partying all night, you’ll find the diamond in the rough.
“Partying” doesn’t change when you grow older, it just changes venues. My version of partying is on a quiet beach in the Caymans. LoL.
Life is short but it isn’t a race. It’s a marathon.
Its not age, it is not even maturity, it is most likely where you are in life that is "scaring" the guys off. Your knowledge and confidence in what you want and don't want is probably scaring some guys off and attracting others. Where you are most likely running into issues is that you are not in the same place in your life as a guy in his mid 20's. You both may want to settle down, you both may want to date, but are you in the right place to do so? Have you completed your schooling or completed the entry level work for your future career? The time from 18 to ~25 is when we usually go to university, get a job that is demanding and low paying, often times have to move to get the job we want, and requires heavy time and energy commitments. That makes putting time and energy into relationships harder. It also makes it harder to commit to someone and not know you are going to up in move in 4 years (University clock so to speak) or be transferred for your job. Someone who is mid 20's or older has already done this, is settled in their career or career path, or usually for many ready to settle down at least the city. Thus most guys older that you find that are open to dating you will not be as settled and maybe not as ready to settle down. Those your age, and as you get older those younger than you, probably will not be willing to make the time and energy commitments given they have a focus on larger things.
Hookup culture comes from many things these days, and in the gay community has very different drivers than in the straight community (hence why heterosexual studies do not translate well to to the gay community no matter how much people want to push the narrative). For many young people it is about freedom but also a lack of time, energy, and space. The cost of living has gone up so much and so few have what they feel is the available time to make a real commitment to another person, they also feel they don't have the energy, and many don't have the living conditions. In the gay community specifically it is often used to combat the lack of connection they have had most of their lives with someone they can relate with- this is decreasing as a driver but still exists. I digress though.
End of day dating in the gay world is a math problem. When we are 1 in 10, and half of those are women we become 1 in 20. When you filter that 1 in 20 for age and interest you end up closer to 1 in 45. Eliminate those in the closet and you get ~ 1 in 60 or so people might be available. So, you are going to have to meet a lot of guys, and then from there a fair number of gay guys to find someone. This is why bars were such a big thing, not just so we could hookup and have sex but because the odds of meeting someone went way up. Now days there are a lot more options, you have hobby clubs, sporting clubs, travel groups, career groups, etc. I would encourage you to look there as they are more likely to have people who know what they like and want, but be aware there will be a good number of hookups going on. People get lonely and humans are horny and want contact and release. None of that is bad, but if it is not for you then just move past it (I encourage you to do so without malice or judgment) and keep looking. It takes time, the numbers are just not in our favor.
I’m you at 23. Stick to your guns. Focus on what’s important. Take care of yourself, and find somebody who thinks the way you do. You’ll be just fine, friend.
At 19, 25 seems like an 'age issue's but it's less about age and more about state of life. I think any relationship is hard when one person is in school, or just getting into the swing of their career
Im 32, but feel the same way about knowing what I want and wanting more than the party life. Dating will always be more effort when you feel this way, because you are looking for something specific. Being older doesn’t really change that in my experience - knowing what you want means knowing what you don’t want too, so that’s always going to mean more searching. Totally worth it though because while others will find momentary happiness you will find fulfillment. Keep at it. Worthwhile things take time and meaningful things take work. You are young and have the benefit of all the time in the world.
There are usually tons of ways to socialize outside the party scene if you look and you’ll meet people like you there. Where I live, we have gay hobby groups (music, shows, singing, board games, etc), interest groups (tech, travel, languages, etc), chill meetups to grab a beer or movie and book clubs. Tons of places to meet people who are looking for depth and most of them felt like you do at some point and will be excited to add you to a group.
I found myself in the same boat when I was younger too, OP. I’m now 25, and been with my bf for the past year, and he shares the same values as me and we’re on the same page with most things. I felt singled out for the longest time because I felt quite removed from gay culture in the sense that I didn’t care much for going to clubs, or casually hooking up on the apps.
Don’t be discouraged, because there are others out there who share your same values. There is more to being gay than the typical stereotype. By all means, I still enjoy going to the drag shows occasionally, and every now and then I’ll go to a club and have a few drinks. I’ll roll up to pride with my rainbow flags flying high, and still blast Britney Spears and Hilary Duff in my car.
But I learned as I got older that you define your own path and that being gay means a lot of different things to different people. The one common denominator is we like men, the rest is entirely individual. Wishing you the best, OP.
Nah, I’m 15 and I feel like I came out way too early. I was thinking of waiting till your age to do something😂
19 here and I've got the same problem as you. Yet I'm only really attracted to older men (like 30+) and they usually only want me for hook ups.
I like that you’re so sure of yourself, that’s a good thing. But what you have to understand is that the majority of gay men under 30 aren’t too interested in being completely tied down and unable to experience their sexuality.
Neither is negative, but while you’re young it may be hard to find someone with similar views.
Ay, there's quite a few of us. It doesn't help me personally that I struggle to find people attractive until I have an actual emotional connection to them - I used to find my friend's boyfriend not attractive in the slightest. After I got to know him proper? He's incredibly adorable.
We'll probably have to wait a little bit in our lives to find something fitting, I fear..
I was the same when I was younger. I thought, why is there no one like me out there? In reality, there's a lot of people like you out there. The important thing is to not get hooked up on the fact that you have to find someone right now. The right relationship will come. Just stay true to who you are, be the best person you can be, and love your fellow man unconditionally.
And in 20 years when you are happily married with the right man and being successful in lofe, all the party people will still be doing the same thing ... partying
Don’t give up!! I met my husband when I was 17, which was 8 years ago. And he was 19 at the time. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for a year and 3 months :) It is true that a lot of guys that age probably aren’t looking for the same thing as you, but don’t give up. You just need a little luck to find someone that is. I know you said you’ve tried dating a little older and it hasn’t worked out yet, but I wouldn’t give up on that either. I’m 25 and if I wasn’t married I don’t think I’d have any problem dating someone your age. I would say that if you keep an open mind to guys a few years older than you you’ll probably have a greater chance of finding someone looking for something more serious. Best of luck 😘😘
Dude, you can find another guy like yourself. It's gonna be super hard but it's possible. It's hard meeting gay men and our culture relies on social gatherings to meet each other. It's hard to identify certain types of gays in our regular life unless our queendom is gleaming. The party lifestyle is just apart of it. Even if it's not you, still go. It will. Make your life easier meeting people. Also try the apps or dating websites. Apps are more for hookups, dating websites are to make a profile and talk to Boone. But if your lucky and spend enough time online you'll find someone. Or go to a club, fuck a bunch of dudes and hopefully one of them will be chill
Same mindset here; always preferring something real and not into casual experiences. I say you're fortunate in that you know early on what you're looking for. Follow your heart and dont settle for less than what will make you happy.
I was the same way at your age. Like others have said, it takes patience and it's is so worth it. I've tried to force myself into those social situations in the past but they weren't fun and it was stupid IMO since I knew I didn't like them and kept thinking it'd be different each time. You may be young but you are aware of what you like and still have more to learn along the way. Just focus on what you wanna know about yourself until you meet someone who's your cup of tea.
I feel this hardcore, I realized i was gay at a younger age and it’s hard seeing so many other people who are at least bi but can’t admit it but still like want to date, and seeing so many other gays who are out but don’t really want to be committed to anyone, which is completely fair don’t get me wrong, it’s just rough finding someone i can see eye to eye with at my age.
on one hand, I agree with your goals
on the other hand, having spent my 20s and 30s in a monogamous relationships, I kinnda feel I missed out
if Id known then what I know now , I might have tried the slutty phase more
Its very hard to go into slutty phase when you're 40..
This is me. I figured all that stuff out in the last two years(17-18yo) and now it feels like I’m kinda left out of the whole experience, though living in a pretty conservative area doesn’t help. I’ve tried gay bars and Grindr, but those just didn’t appeal to me. I’d much rather find one person to form a genuine connection with than random horny guy #21. You aren’t alone, and I guess it’s just something to give time for.
23yo here. Been like this for a years now. I’m not surprised since many 23 yo still fall into your description.
...i have considered what you are saying, except im 23, i cant find guys my age that i am into, let alone that want a relationship. Im attracted to older guys (30-45) but they just keep me around for sex and never progresses because of the age difference i guess.
I'm 21, and I am exactly the same way. All I want is a man to cuddle and spend quality time with. It is extremely rare for me to find a man who wants the same as I do.
Your mindset is definitely not "fucked". I was the same way when I was 19 (now 24) and never really enjoyed clubs/bar and the hookup scene in general (not putting anyone down).
Dating was difficult as I wanted what you're currently looking for. A relationship and stability. I will say that dating in your 20s can suck (depending on your location) due to the common themes in gay culture. I've had my fair share of ex's, as old as 29. I eventually found my now husband (26).
Don't give up. It's harder to find a diamond than it is a rock.
Guys who are 23-25 are likely to have just come out too. And they’re trying to have the life they didn’t get to have in high school and/or college