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Don't Give Up
Does anyone else's brain stops thinking whenever they are next to someone new?
Yesterday, I hung out with a girl I met online. We have no problem having a conversation online, but when I saw her in real life, my brain kind of stops thinking altogether. I'm telling myself "c'mon think think think" but nothing comes out of my mind. There's a lot of awkward silences and I sometimes ask a random question every now and then. How do you guys cope with those issues?
Happens to me too. I’m more comfortable online than interacting with people face to face, and it sometimes frustrates me. I’m still working on it, sometimes i prepare a few lines or things to say beforehand (eg share about a recent event and ask if anything interesting has happened to other person) though it requires some work.
Alternatively I just admit openly at the start that I’m more of the introverted and shy type and I’m more of a listener and invite the other person to share about themselves if they are comfortable.
It’s still a work in progress and I’m still trying to improve my communication skills. You’re not alone, and hope this helps a bit :) don’t get discouraged!
As a friendly suggestion, you don’t need to tell them off the bat that you’re introverted and shy! It sort of sets up a barrier. Let them learn about you naturally rather than you suggesting an insecurity right from the start.
I learned myself that it made people a bit uncomfortable when I would do that. I’ve changed my mindset so that I loosen up and let their perception of who I am unfold as we interact more. I also try to remind myself that their perception of me does not matter :)
Oh yup that’s true, I didn’t consider that before. Thanks so much for the suggestion! I’ll be sure to try it out :)
Yes, and chances are, she feels that way too. I think most people have the same feelings in the same situations, but respond to that feeling differently. Some people freeze up with nothing to say. Some people talk more than usual. Some people say strange things. I rather enjoy the feeling now, but that's because I'm okay with feeling that way. I'd suggest bringing it up to her and addressing it. You could say "I'm glad we have the chance to meet in person. It's fun to meet people from online. At first, it's kinda weird though, right? We've only spoken online, so I have to get used to talking to you in person. Have you met people from online before?" I think if you address it, you'll stop worrying so much.
I’ve been there too. As with most everyone else here, it’s all a work in progress. I recently re-read the classic book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, where the author points out that most of us love to talk about ourselves. In fact, if you ask me questions that get me talking about myself, I’ll feel like we really connected and that my feelings about you will improve. However, if you just sit there and talk about yourself, I’ll start to lose interest, and think you’re just full of yourself.
There’s a famous acronym for topics you can ask about that are more likely to keep the conversation going that might prove helpful: FORM
F - family. siblings, are they a twin?, where did they grow up? Are they the oldest? Youngest? Etc
O - occupation. What do they do? Do they like it? What’s entailed with that job?
R - recreation. What do they do for fun? How long have they done it? What do they like about it? What’s the hardest thing to learn?
M - motivation. Why do they do what they do? What are they passionate about?
I found a website with a few more ideas, if you want to check it out.
https://smalltalkbigresults.wordpress.com/2010/08/23/use-form-to-keep-the-conversation-going/
Personally, I think the best thing to do is practice and spend some time preparing for the conversation. It’s not cheating to think up a few questions beforehand. If you know this person already, do some research on some topics you know THEY are interested in to get them talking. Did their favorite band just come out with a new album? What’s up with that shocking piece of news from their favorite game developers? A lot of times, it just takes one or two questions to get things going.
Good luck to us all!!
Edit: Formatting
You can also try HEFE - Hobbies (what do you do for fun?) , Entertainment (did you see that episode of ___? Or what’s your fav music genre?) , Food (I ate at this new restaurant in town) , Environment (that’s a cool painting on the wall or even talk about the weather)
Basically just stay interested in her. Ask questions and focus on finding more out about her, without it feeling like an interrogation. When she says things that you relate to, or you have something in common, then comment on it. You both like Star Wars? Great! Then set up another time to get together and watch it! You can do this!
I came here to say that FORD (family, occupation, recreation, and dreams) has helped me immensely. I rarely make it to recreation or dreams because people LOVE to talk about their families and occupation. I used to struggle as well but since I adopted this, I feel so much more confident in connecting with people. I never feel stuck anymore.
How do you ask questions about their family and occupation without coming off as nosy? Sample questions/convo would be so helpful! :)
For me, I can usually gauge whether a person feels like conversing or not. If they are receptive to my questions, it's pretty evident in how much info they share. For instance, I met someone new yesterday and I asked if she had any kids. She did. Five grown children, no grandkids. She had no problem elaborating on what each of them does for a living and where they currently reside. We spent about 10 minutes going back and forth about her family. I didn't really do much other than nod my head and add leading questions like, "do your kids come home for the holidays?" or "how does your daughter like being a travel agent?". Had she perceived me to be nosey, I'm sure her responses to my questions would have been brief at best---usually one-liners.
That looks like a great help for conversations, however is there a way to guide the conversation towards the questions? For example, I feel like saying “what is your favourite food/restaurant?” to someone would sound a bit too random on its own, so there should be a build up to that question. Hope this makes sense.
Fascinating that there are more of these. I created my own version a year ago:
P. I. N
Places (where have you traveled to?) Interests (what are your passions?) Names (Do you have brothers and sisters?)
I just wanna note that asking about someone's occupation can b seen as rude & intrusive like u r trying to find out their socioeconomic status.
It depends on the culture the person comes from.
In my first corporate job I wasn't prepared to be asked about my dad's occupation so often. I had never experienced this before was confused & turned off.
Because I hated my job, I would coil in depression when someone would ask about my job. And, it's one that nobody knows what it is, so I have to explain a whole paragraph and talk sooo much about something that doesn't define me & that I hate.
Honestly, I find only white people from US & EU do this. I'm african american & amongst ourselves, u do not lead with asking someone's job. It makes the convo awkward & suspicious many times.
Small tip for this: when trying to make out dates online, do it as fast as possible. What you described gets worse the more "comfortable" you get with each other online since for our brains they are different people
Woah I’ve never thought of it that way before but that actually makes perfect sense!
Can you explain this a bit more? What do you mean by making out dates fast online?
I have the feeling that the better you know the "online person" the harder it gets when you meet them the first time. This is either because you have a "digital copy" of that person in your head which makes it difficult to connect the edperience you had with them with the real person once you meet them OR because you already know a lot about each other so you can't initiate simple small talk as easily
By making out dates online as fast as possible I meant if you're using something like tinder or so it's better to ask them on a date and talk in Person than texting a lot before
Thank you for the explanation. Now that you mention it, I do feel the same way too.
I had that too, the thing to keep in mind is that silences is awkward only if you think so. You are not a performer, you don't have to keep the person entertained. Sometimes silences mean you appreciate the presence of that person. The less you are afraid of those silences, the more you'll be confident and the more you'll be able to share with them.
You're nervous af and over thinking everything to not appear stupid. This is pretty embarrassing but what I do is tell myself the person is a piece of shit/idiot (whatevers not threatening). It takes time but weirdly it works.
Edit: I got this from a coworker who was ridiculously confident. He was a real ass though. Would be super outgoing life of the party type guy and as soon as the person would leave he would rude. I don't suggest being like this, but I've never seen him nervous.
Yes. Realizing they are no better than you takes them off the pedestal you put them on in your mind
Weirdly enough I do this sometimes. Whenever I meet those domineering personality types I challenge them in a sort of friendly way, which brings my confidence up each time I speak to them.
Instead of silently denigrating the person, I would suggest thinking something positive, for example, that the person is happy to be talking to you. I say that because people can often tell by the tone of your voice and things that you say if you think they are a piece of s*** or an idiot. And that is not going to tend to make for a good conversation.
While I don’t think of them as being a POS, I do tell myself they take massive Mexican food dumps like everyone else does. Lol. Picturing a girl you’re intimidated by pooping makes them less intimidating imo.
Not just someone new. It happens when I talk in general, which leads to awkward moments in conversation.
The more you try force a conversation, the further you sink down the hole. Best thing to do is stare at the person and start furiously licking your lips and making wheezing noises
Yes!! I never know what to say when meeting someone new, so I end up blathering on about myself so people think I'm super full of myself. In reality all the questions I ask the person are completely inane.
Yes!!! Especially if I like someone I forget how to talk! I get so embarrassed about it too which only exacerbates things. I REALLY liked this one guy a couple years back and every time we saw each other I was too shy to talk no matter how many times we hung out. He would ask me what things I liked and my mind was BLANK!!! It's like "come on! This is an easy question! You KNOW what bands you like!" Needless to say, things didn't work out. Lol.
Does this happen to you with everyone?
Reason I ask is, some people are hard to make conversation with/ are lazy and do not make any effort.
When I was single and dating, I met many people who just make no effort. Why should you be the only one making an effort to converse?
I’ve thought about this a lot. For me, I’ve always, always, always been significantly more comfortable communicating in writing than verbally. And I think it’s mostly due to some abuse growing up: my parents (especially my dad) were major gaslighters. I ended up being attracted to similar people/friends and found myself in situation after situation where I didn’t feel heard or listened to, or where I was verbally abused or manipulated and ended up just never trusting that anyone would ever listen to me or hear me. It made verbal conversation and socializing really difficult because every in-person situation was just sort of fraught with anxiety: I was reading people so hard, as a way to protect myself and made sure I didn’t say something that they could take the wrong way, that I didn’t have a lot of brain space left for thinking of responses or really engaging.
Of course, it’s a different story when I’m very close with the person. I’m not afraid of them and so I don’t worry much. Plenty of brain space for listening and engaging since I’m not reading them so hard and worrying.
So online communication was a godsend for me. I could listen to people without seeing their face and overanalyzing every little facial twitch or body position. I just had the words to read. Then I could respond and check over what I’d said. If I didn’t know how to respond I could just kind of walk away and say something had happened, the doorbell rang or whatever. I could trust that I was being heard and listened to. I could engage.
I say all that because I think understanding the root of the behavior is just as important as learning how to change the behavior, if that’s what you want to do.
As for me, I’ve ended up surrounded by good people who all communicate pretty similarly. My husband and I are both writers and introverts. My best friend lives pretty far away and we communicate mostly via text. Same as other friends.
And after lots of therapy I’m also way better at engaging in face-to-face chat with almost anyone. It may exhaust me, sure, but that’s okay. I don’t worry so much about what I might look like or worry that they’re thinking something bad. I focus on just doing my part: Looking them in the eye as the speak to me (or whatever else I can do to make it clear that I’m listening, even if I’m looking away and then have to actively say, “I’m paying attention, just looking away so I can better visualize what you’re telling me). I make it a point to ask questions that enable them to elaborate on something they’ve just told me (to help them feel heard and appreciated as a participant in the conversation) and I’m not really shy about talking about myself because the way I see it, they’re here, they’re choosing to engage in this conversation with me, and if they’re just putting on an act and they actually don’t like me, then I guess that kind of sucks for them, to be putting themselves in a position, by choice, that they don’t want to be in. Seeing as no one in their right mind would usually do that, it’s pretty safe to assume that they’re not thinking anything bad. The bottom line is that I have no idea what they’re feeling or thinking...all I can do is do my best to show them that I’m glad to be chatting with them or meeting them. And so I just focus on that. Making them feel good and enjoying my time.
I am usually the other way around. Although i am comfortable home, i find it hard to read people online. Like when they write something i dont know how to interpret because its only a bunch of written words. In person it feels like theres more information available (intonation, body language etc) making it easier to interpret and come up with things to say as a response. Thats the way it goes for me it feels a bit odd because it doesnt seem most people feel that way
Happened to me a couple of days ago when I was out with some people and I felt physically unable to speak, my mind just went blank and it stayed like that.
I have this problem all the time. I have experienced that no matter how much I plan a conversation up front, my brain just wont remember anything when I finally meet the person.
I’m not going to encourage drug use, but smoking a joint with someone the first time you hang out with them alone has helped me in the past. I don’t know if this is true for everybody, but whenever i meet someone sober, and we get high together, the vibe gets a lot more easy to handle, and I have less trouble keeping the conversation going😊
Techically, 50% of the words in the conversation will be coming from the girl. Pay attention to what she says, and find out if you have any common interests! Talking seems and feels a lot less like work when you are talking about something you are both excited about!
Edit: also, you can avoid some of the awkward silences by saying «damn, i’m super baked right now»
Here are my tips and tricks I’ve started using after being a train wreck on dates:
Stop thinking of it like she’s interviewing you, YOURE interviewing her. You’re not on a date, you’re just meeting someone new. Flip the script.
Those who matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter. - Dr. Seuss. Be yourself and don’t overthink it, obviously put best foot forward but don’t stress about putting on a front because girls like confidence and part of being confident is showing and loving who you are.
Worried about if you can kiss her? I used to be too. Until my friend told me you do other things leading up to the kiss to gauge her interest. Link arms with her and say you’re cold. Touch her knee when she makes you laugh briefly and see how she reacts. Do little less aggressive things and see if she’s into it, then walk her to her car and go for the kiss after saying you had fun.
Talk about her if you’re freezing up. What does she do for fun? How many siblings does she have? If she could be any person alive or dead in another life, who would she be? Put the ball in her court, ask follow up questions, then give your answer after she does. Find common grounds and that will set you up for new date ideas later.
Lastly, I watched a great TED talk and I think it applies here about being vulnerable. We all think people see us as weak and lame when we are vulnerable (ie stammering, screwing up our words, etc.) but research shows it’s endearing and makes people trust you more. Don’t sweat looking nervous or admitting mistakes, people like genuine people and they wont generally mind unless they’re a mean person then see #2!
It’s your nervousness shutting down your thinking and putting you in fight-or-flight mode.
It’s really frustrating because to stop being nervous, you have to become comfortable in such situations. But to be comfortable, you have to be able to speak normally.
What really helped me is sticking to talking to a person, even if it’s going bad. Shy people, like us, take longer to become comfortable, but we eventually do. And if we stick to it, it teaches our brains that meeting new people leads to rewards ( as opposed to never talking to a person again and remembering how awkward and embarrassing it was).
I hope that helps!
The problem is when you talk to someone online, you are able to take your time in responding, really think about what you want to say, you type it up and then you can even edit it. This is obviously not possible face to face. So yes practicing REAL conversations is immensely good, but when you are talking to someone online, type what you’d actually say, what words would ACTUALLY come out of your mouth. 90% of what people text wouldn’t verbally say it in person. Be reactionary. And asking what, why, where, when, and how questions are essential. Hope this helps someone :)
Yeah, I agree. When you know a lot about someone (which I assume you do cause you've been talking online) it's difficult to fish for questions. Most people I talk to I've never met, so I can usually ask the basics to keep them talking about themselves. But it's difficult to transition into the more deep questions.
My suggestion is to keep asking those kinds of questions so you both can become comfortable with each other's quirks. That way those awkward moments don't feel so awkward. Keep in mind what they've told you in the past. I value it when people remember stuff I've told them, it shows their really invested. Eventually if you meet up more it'll become easier.
Good Luck!
Hello :)
I promise there is hope and you're going to be okay. I am often like that and have had a few long term relationships that did not end because I couldn't think of things to say or was awkward.
I think it has to do with confidence. Something we all struggle with. You will eventually gain confidence around people you hang out with often. You just naturally become more comfortable around them.
Talking with someone online can be both a blessing and an obstacle. You have a hard time connecting in person and not having enough face to face contact with new people is only going to continue the cycle. BUT in this case it could be a good thing. I think you should talk to her about it. Don't appear to have lost confidence in yourself.
The conversation I had with a long time boyfriend went something like this. "I'm a bit frustrated that I couldn't really say much on our first date. I get shy sometimes. If you have the patients for me to climb out of my shell, I really like you and would love to hang out again"
Good luck :)
Remember there is nothing wrong with you.
Yep it's like, "wait, I forgot my lines" lol. Today, somebody from out of town approached me and I nearly had a stroke. I'm not used to talking to me and my mind just draws a blank. I don't bother anymore.
Science agrees with you OP
This used to happen to me constantly in high school...I would freeze up and everyone thought I was weird.. luckily it’s gotten so much better
It's usually the other way around what you are describing, one gets fixated into some imaginary negative outcome from the interaction and the brain start to rush under the hood, a lot of thoughts start to go through the mind so you can't focus in the moment, it's like a panic attack, mental burn out can be a consequence aside the awkward actual interaction.
The secret is not to take small-talks to seriously, the commentaries shouldn't be very personal or profound, it's all a matter of be present, throw some comment about something and observe what is peoples reaction and experiment with that; the other part, listening is important but don't relate to much, don't be empathetic with others (at least not at first contact), that's a mistake I've observed in the time I've been mindful of social interactions, to be empathetic you have to be more intimate with that person, sometimes you can be like that right away (interactions with old people is a common case) but it's not always like that. Objectify people but respect the social graces and good manners.
I know what its like. Talking online to other people online behind a screen is more comfortable than face-to-face conversations. It can sometimes be pressuring bc you have to keep the conversations going. Instead, close yyour eyes and breathe in and out. Talk about stuff you/or her want to let out.Its better to talk on whats on your mind then letting it pile on. We are all humans. We have feelings and we all need someone to talk to.
P.S i might not be helpful but keep it in consideration
Maybe try activity dating.....if you are lost in an activity its easy to focus on that when there is a lull in the conversation. Also you can talk about the activity over a drink later, maybe rib each other over how well/bad you did.
When your brain goes blank its mostly how uncomfortable you feel in the new situation. You might find it easier to come up with the conversation if you are distracted or she is, rather than the focus being on the chat....
Get out of your head. Get in your body.
Meditating will help with being so wound up with your thoughts. Look up mindfulness meditation and zen meditation. Other than that don't be ashamed of thinking before you date what You want to talk about. Things you like, things you think will make you seem cool even. I've even gone as far to come up with a list of things I've done in my life I think are worth sharing and that pushed me to do more cool things.
Questions are good but most of all go easy on yourself. When you start saying to yourself: think think think, just stop and do.
I usually just ask questions that have more broad or open ended answers so they can’t reply in one word or whatever
I haven’t thought about it. LOL But now I am going to set up an experiment and find out.
There's a lot of awkward silences and I sometimes ask a random question every now and then. How do you guys cope with those issues?
I think the issue is that we are thinking, but we fall into this feedback loop where we are thinking about the anxiety of not being able to think of something to say which then makes us anxious and keeps us from thinking about what we want to say.
One drink really helps me, not like 2-3, but just like a beer or glass of wine to break the cognitive loop, main exception in thread "main", in my brain.
But if drinking is not an option or not your thing, try to go hard stream of consciousness for a while. If your brain is making it hard for you to think say that to her "Sorry, when I am around pretty girls my brain forgets it knows how to have a conversation ha ha...".
She will probably find this endearing, because honesty, and she may laugh or relate. That will make you a little more at ease, then just keep going with it.
Lastly, do everything to keep from focusing on yourself, that's also a feedback loop. Try to ask her about herself as much as you can, should help you relax as well.
Its all about breaking the loop. If you watch the HBO documentary on Robin Williams, they say he even struggled with this. Like he could do stand-up stream of consciousness for days on end and still struggle to make that 1-1 connection with someone and not really know what to say.
It’s not that your brain’s not thinking, it’s that you get more time to formulate a response to a message online than you get to respond to a question in person. As such, online communication is a crutch for those with lower EQ. It’s why online dating exists in the first place.
My brain stopped like an hour ago in a local fitness gym, where two girls train and with one of those two, we both made a eye contact for few seconds (they both usually look at me, or at least have a feeling they do because sometimes I'm the only person in that direction) and my brains topped working.exe, luckily i just heave breathed for another crushed set of workout and smiled a bit, she smiled back. They are so outta my league
You have to change your perspective and understand that everyone is just a human being. Sure girls are pretty but underneath is just a human being with the same needs, desires, and heart as you. Once you understand that everyone is human and everyone thinks the same way, it's easy to talk to anyone.
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I try to usually relate to the person as much as I can. I feel that brings our rrlationship closer. Being a good listener is a huge plus as well. Try not and interupt them while talking because that can be annoying as well. Gl to us in our journey to sociable people!
This happened to me yesterday on a date actually. I was eating out with her and my brain just went blank. I looked down thinking “why am I this way? I can’t think of a single thing to say when we could talk about anything in the world” which led to some awkward silences. Once we left that place and we’re headed back in my car though, I kind of opened up more and felt more relaxed which is key to thinking of what to say. So my take on it is, just relax and accept what’s going on or you’ll never relax. Relaxation is key to preventing that blank mind thing
I can be like that , usually assessing the new people too see if I can tolerate them lol
Anxiety.
Cope with it by not forcing myself to talk. Once you calm down, your brain will start working again.
Unfortunately, I tend to talk too much. Lol I think keyboard courage is a real thing and you have more time to contemplate what you want to ask and talk about. But in person you have to be quick on your toes and anticipate where the conversation is going.
I tend to have a bunch of questions ready to go and then ride out the conversation they are enjoying :) then BOOM, next question. Good Luck in the dating world.
Not really, I'm very comfortable with people I haven't met before. Girl I'm dating for a month however... -Hey! -Hi! *hug, kiss* 3-minute silence
Conversation will start when you ask a question about them, which at the root means you need to be curious about their life. Ask about their work and somehow get to "do you like your boss?" Everyone has had a boss they didn't like which will lead to stories which will lead to other topics. Stay away from "I" and get comfortable with "you". People love when you ask questions about them.
Yes, certainly... only if they're cute girls. If they're guys, I don't notice too much. I guess just start up with scripted small talk? And ask her polite questions.
Haaah. That's where you're wrong! My brain was never thinking in the first place.
Did you know that if you stop moving your eyes you stop thinking for a little bit?
This happens to me A LOT. When I meet people (new or ones I already know) I put so much pressure on myself for them to like me or to impress them that I end up with nothing to talk about
I completely act different and even lie ?! I don’t know why. I met someone new in class and I don’t why but I lied where I lived and where I’m from. I totally forget about myself for a second lol
When you think, “cmon, say something” your brain will undoubtedly give you nothing to say. Just let go of the outcome of everything you say and try to have fun for yourself in your interactions. Take some risks saying silly things. You’ll realize that it doesn’t matter that much and if she was interested enough to come out and meet you, you deserve to just be yourself.
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I’m the exact opposite dude. I can talk to people face to face but not online
No, because I don't watch tv and haven't given myself anxiety that way.