In 2007 I work in Kyrgyzstan as a contractor for the Department of Defense. I was a system admin managing classified networks, stuck in an airbase in the middle of a foreign country. I didn't want to be there, but hey... it paid well, and I needed to raise money to keep FA running at the time, so off to Southeast Asia I went! I have a hell of a lot of stories from there but the one I'll always remember is the story of Bruce.
Bruce worked on my contract with me... and was fired over chocolate chip cookies.
You read that correctly. Chocolate. Chip. Cookies.
If you've ever been on a military base or in a Department of Defense facility you know there are rules. Fuck, the rules have rules. And you can do pretty much whatever you want to do so long as it's within the rules.
Enter the DFAC.
The DFAC (Dining Facility) is where you go to get your grub on, to grab a Coke, nom on lunch, or whatever you need. And on a base like this everything is free (within reason). Like everything else government-related the DFAC has rules. One of the primary rules of the DFAC: wash your hands when entering. Actually, that's pretty much the only rule of the DFAC.
Enter Bruce.
Bruce was a majestic beast. The kind of man that did what he wanted, when he wanted. He didn't much care for rules. In fact, he didn't really care for much of anything. Bruce was the kind of employee everybody wonders how the hell they got hired and how they kept their job. He existed, and he got paid to exist.
Enter the cookies.
On a military base overseas supporting forward bases in Afghanistan cookies are in short supply. Oddly, that may be the only thing in short supply. When they DFAC baked fresh cookies it was cause for celebration. And Bruce? Bruce wanted some cookies, and wasn't going to be deterred. He found out when they were making the cookies, and snuck over to the DFAC with a plastic bin the very moment they put them out, and filled it to the brim dozens upon dozens of still warm cookies.
But Bruce made a mistake. A fatal mistake. He was so dead set on getting more than his share that he forgot to wash his hands. However, there was one person who didn't forget. The one person who saw him. The base commander. The commander was actually rotating out, and it was his last night in Kyrgyzstan. A new commander arrived, and he was hanging around waiting for his ride out of Dodge.
When Bruce came into work the next day he was confused. You see, the former commander had given him a parting gift. On his desk lay an autographed picture of the commander with the words "Cleanliness is next to godliness." The commander's name was signed at the bottom.
Bruce was confused. What did it mean? Why did the commander give him an autographed portrait with that line on it? And that's when Bruce learned there was a second gift. Shortly after, Bruce was greeted by MPs who informed him that his invitation to be on the base was no longer welcome. He was being evicted, and in fact, his authorization to be in the country on the DOD's behalf had been revoked as well. He had less than 24 hours to gather his things and leave of his own volition. Because he was no longer allowed on base he was no longer able to do his job, and was subsequently fired.
In the end, Bruce was fired over cookies.
This is a true story.
