Word of warning, what I talk about bellow is possibly going to be very hard to understand. I'm trying to piece together my own thoughts and feelings into words and... well that may not come out as clear as I think it would. But I feel I need to write this stuff out so, if you're interested to hear from my heart and mind how I feel right now, read on.



So, a lot of stuff has been on my mind of late regarding my art. As my life is being pushed up and moved around I'm starting to realize I'm stressing some limits of my creativity and the boundaries of a "bubble" I didn't realize I created for myself.

To put it bluntly... I can't keep doing the art I do. Rather, I need to expand what I do.
But it's scary to think about, and it's hard to put to words how I feel about this.

I guess to start let me explain to the best I can how I feel.

Suffocated is a word? Scared, unsure, uneasy, mixed with a bit of awkwardness.

A lot of it comes down to the fact that I'm a porn artist that draws a very niche subject.
I love the creativity that the subject of vore can bring, and I've still got so many ideas (no less than 5 stories I've heavily outlined and want to make into comics) and things I wish to portray in it. But I need to expand. At least I feel I need to. I need to do other art. Beyond Vore, beyond fetishes, beyond adult work in general.

But it's scary. This is what I've done for years.
It's not like I don't have ideas and imagination beyond the lewd. I certainly do.
But it's an unknown, it exists outside the bubble I've made for myself. It's scary to think what if I stop drawing what I'm known for and what people come to me for to make.

It's suffocating because I'm starting to feel like I'm stagnating. I'm still trying to challenge and improve my art but I am feeling limited. Mix that with the feeling like I barely have time to work on my own art projects and I'm having to rely on commission work constantly...

But also I feel uneasy and awkward when it comes to the future and trying to explain what I do with others. I'm quite comfortable explaining what I do to people I know with few exceptions. But that's because I know these people and telling them what I do is something that won't instantly make them dislike me and I can go in-depth with my work and what I do because they are willing to listen and understand.

There are many, many more people out there I feel afraid to really go in depth with. And it's mostly people I'm new to and meet for the first time. I feel suffocated because I don't feel brave enough to share what I do beyond the "I'm an artist" thing and having to some how steer away from people wanting to see my work... I just... don't have work I can show them! At least not initially.

I'm not ashamed of drawing porn or adult work but... I guess I'm just too scared to just be completely bravado about it especially to any knew person I've met or know. How do I know if they will be comfortable with showing them some heavily niche fetish work, even if It's artistically a very good piece?


So I feel I've created this bubble for myself over the years, it's comfortable, it's "safe" but it's suffocating and there are other people, ideas, inspiration, all on the outside of this bubble that I feel I can't communicate with or expand into.

But I need to... at least I feel that way. A part of me does feel like maybe I'm feeling this way because other sources are shaming me for what I do... or maybe I'm shaming myself. But I know that shouldn't be how I look at things. Drawing lewd art should never be seen as something wrong or freakish... but it doesn't help I have close friends who think it better that I move on away from what I know... I feel like what I do should be normal and okay to continue doing.

And like... a lot of this wouldn't be an issue if my business, working on lewd art, was... well more universally acceptable! Like... if I could talk about what I do on a more general scale then I probably wouldn't feel as bad. I'd still probably feel like I want to work on other subjects but then I wouldn't feel as much in a bubble as I do now. (this is further amplified because of how decisive some of my work can be. From the extremeness of the subject matter such as digestion, post vore, fatal vore etc It's like belonging to a group or fandom but you're only apart of a fraction of that fandom and even among that fraction you sometimes feel like you're fractioned again further)

When I meet up with local friends, most of which know far too well the work I do and I certainly don't feel I need to hide myself or what I draw... I still feel alone. I still feel like it's not something I can relate with them.

I see them talk with other artists in the group about their work all the time and... I don't see myself as a vain person seeking out fame but... it would be nice to converse about what I do for a living from time to time with my friends. Just like how they share their experiences from their jobs.

It's only amplified by the fact that I feel alone in my personal life. I don't have anyone I'm close to on a relationship level and that doesn't help when I feel like I'm all alone. I can be super envious person too and it doesn't help my depression when I see other relationships all around me helping each other to support each other. What I would give to have a friend I lived with or closer who could help motivate me to keep me on task. Trying to self motivate as a self employed person when you feel like you're alone in a bubble in a single room you can't get out of... of course the need for escapism and distractions occurs.

Heck, now I don't even live with friends anymore, I live with my grandparents... that hasn't helped my sanity in that regard. They are nice people and they don't try to dive into my business too much... but I can't talk to them about what I do! I also can't relate to them in what I do...
I can't take pride in that I'm an artist who creates things...

I know I have friends over the internet or people I feel I can talk to just about anything. But even those are fleeting conversations over text. And heck, that's part of why I'm writing this general here, I feel I have no one else I can really talk to about it that wouldn't just give me a comforting "sorry to hear that, I feel for you" kind of response. Nice and welcoming, but impersonal and certainly not a shoulder to lean on or sagely advice to seek wisdom from. Doesn't help I'm a more a voice/physically there kind of a person. I read emotions and context better from voice and/or especially from body language. (can't really do voice over the computer due to current living with grandparents issue)

The few I have pored some of my feelings onto I've always felt bad for doing so... I guess that's an issue on my end. It's hard for me to open up to people who don't ask, especially. And they can't ask because I put on faces and try to keep myself happy go lucky around them. I just don't want to concern others... but I know on a fundamental level I NEED to talk about these things or I could suffer from worse depression. Sadly I cannot afford or at least do not think I can afford, a therapist to talk to.

Heh, even writing these words makes me feel like I'm choking. It's so very hard to put all these thoughts into words.

But it all comes down to this...

I'm depressed, I don't have the money to seek out medical or therapeutical answers, I have to handle this myself. The depression is really affecting my ability to work and act. I believe part of it is due to this bubble I've created for myself.

I need to face my fears and I need to expand. I need to break out of it. I need to do more, I need a gallery and work I can show people, I can talk to people about beyond just the little niche I inhabit.

I love you guys, I love all the support I get from being apart of this community...

But I can't stay in this bubble forever. There's a world out there fully of ideas and inspiration and... people... not all those people are going to like what I make here in this bubble... I understand that. I hope to not be judged by it, but I know I probably will be... but I need to show I'm more than just a vore artist or even just an adult/porn artist.

But I don't want to take away from this that doing what I've done for so long is some how wrong! It's just... limiting. As much as I wish it could be a more universally and generally accepted subject it... it's just not! At least I feel it's not... maybe I'm just being overly shy and I should just be more bravado about what I do. But I don't know...

I also don't want to leave this bubble in shame and disgust. I truly believe what I draw, what I make, what all us more adult oriented creators work on, is not something to be ashamed of or feel we have to hide!

But alone in this bubble I've made, I can't call out to others, I can't expand. I can't exist beyond these shallow limits... and I need to. I'm a nomad at heart. I get stir crazy from being in the same place for too long. I frequently take short breaks just to walk and go places other than my desk. Heck, it wasn't till recently that I had a space away from my room to work which was certainly giving me cabin fever (seeing the same 4 walls where you work, sleep, play games... it can get a person very stir crazy). Right now my current goal is to try and afford some technology (I'm thinking the Microsoft Surface) to help me do my art remotely. Because as it stands I'm stuck on my desktop just waiting for my tablet to finally die.

So ya... I need to pop this bubble at the very least. So... I don't know yet what I'm going to do. I still have art I owe some people and I still have to keep up with my patreon but...

I need to do more. I need to feel better about what I do.

So, maybe the next commission batch maybe I'll have SFW only slots as well as adult slots. Heck maybe incentive SFW by making it slightly cheaper.

Maybe I need a new gallery? Maybe I should strip this one down to be the SFW one or just make a new one... somehow expand that gallery.

I also just need to do more art for myself... that part can be tricky because I always feel drawing something that isn't making me money is well... not making me money.

But I need to bring the excitement, the passion, back into my life. I need to expand, I need to make a space for myself I can share with more people.

I hope... I hope I don't loose too many a long the way. I'm not quitting what I draw here. I could never fully just uproot (well... maybe from FA if there ever becomes an alternative people float to. But the COMMUNITY is what I'm concerned with, not the gallery it inhabits)


So ya *breaths*. That's what's on my mind. That's why updates have been slow. I'm battling a lot of issues from real life issues like family and living arrangements, the feeling of suffocation and loneliness, The lack of agency due to the lack of money, but most importantly, it's the battle with myself and depression. I feel the first step is conquering this crippling fear and depression that's stagnating what I do, that's freezing me up and preventing me from acting. Maybe the rest will fall better into line once I can do that.

I've certainly considered quitting art... going back to a "normal" job, even if it's just part time... I may still end up doing that... But i love art and I don't feel like I'm there just yet to feel like I need another job. If I can better myself... if I can get over my issues...

If I can get out of this bubble.

I NEED to get out of this bubble.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/t2nhmkwp7.....ubble.png?dl=0