I really get that not everyone is being malicious or intentionally disrespectful when painting me as this empathetic nurturing person (hell, some of them might even be happy if they were being described that way and therefore trying to give me a genuine compliment), so I do try to not get all cynical immediately or outright snap at people. 

But thing is, I’m really not being self-deprecating when rejecting such sentiments when instead, I’m responding negatively to what I perceive as one of the greatest insults a person could direct at me. Though sometimes, I literally just fall silent or say ‘thanks’ on autopilot because poker face/ neutral language or not, I, too, can be overwhelmed by negative emotions.

It never fails to completely ruin my mood when someone looks at me and this is what they (claim to) notice and when I realize that this is the main (or only) reason a person wants to be around me.

It’s already bad enough that by now, I’ve reached the point of having serious doubts about whether I’ve really become so stupid and worthless and empty that a shell that is good at ‘playing cheerleader’ is all that is left of me and about whether what I thought defined me as a person is so bad and subpar it’s no wonder people’d turn to me solely to boost their own ego because for everything else (aka things that are actually entertaining and fulfilling for me as well), other people are better than me.

I understand that it’s natural (and healthy) to seek out people who make a person feel good about themselves and if I’m loyal to someone, I’ll of course do what I can to contribute to this. There’s nothing wrong (or insulting) about seeing what I may have to some extent learned by spending a lot of time with my late grandma (who, on top of being an amazing cook, amazingly skilled at various kinds of handiwork, and and open-minded, intelligent conversation partner always knew how to encourage and make me feel appreciated) as one part of a package deal (as long as it is neither the largest nor the most important part) either. 

But do people really think that I am going to feel good about myself when interacting with people who want absolutely nothing from me as a person and who ‘excuse’ this particular attitude of theirs by pretending that a ‘cheerleader sidekick’ is just who I am (and that this particular role should make me happy)? And that interactions like that are healthy for me?