***This is a sample chapter from my (not yet published) book, Servicing the Alpha Male***

Honey, I’m Horny! Can You Grab the Crisco?

Anal sex, once considered the holy grail of heterosexual intimacy, has become as expected in a relationship as a big dish of banana pudding at a church social.  In the past, it was something most women likely felt better left to porn stars and drunken co-eds at frat parties.  But as we all learned from the movie Goodfellas, only the most important people get to use the backdoor entrance.  It may not be as pretty or have the fancy drapes or carpet that the front door has, but it sure is thrilling to know you get to do something no one else can!

To even attempt to give your significant other a chance at the rosy ring, may be enough to make some men feel appreciated.  However, the alpha male needs to know you not only are willing to offer up the ass, but that he is not hurting you and there is potential for you to gain some pleasure from the act as well.  To a true alpha male, there is nothing more important than protecting his partner.  He would sooner have random appendages ripped from his body by the jagged teeth of a rabid muskrat than cause the woman he loves pain.  There is no time this is more obvious than during anal sex.  In order to avoid hurting a woman, a great deal of patience is required…more so than in any other form of sex.  If things are rushed, serious damage can be done.  Therefore, a man has to take great care to enter slowly and only when the woman’s body is completely ready.  And as women, it is our responsibility to help him figure out how best to go about entering that tightly clenched hole.

Now if you’re like me, some boyfriend in the past thought he would be ever so smooth and try to sneak in the backdoor at some point.  If this has happened to you, you know what a joke it is to think anything could sneak in there, regardless of what they tell their friends in the locker room!  Sometimes even when you are trying to make it happen, you just can’t seem to get past the first quarter inch without feeling like a character straight out of a Chaucerian tale getting a fiery poker forced into your ass as some sort of horrid punishment.

Some misguided women will tell you that the best way to go about getting ready for anal is to just drink as much alcohol as possible or get some numbing cream to use on yourself prior to the act.  However, both of those could lead to dangerous situations.  That’s just setting you up to get some very unfortunate injuries in some incredibly delicate places.  If you’re feeling sharp pain or seeing blood, you’re not doing it right.  That’s kind of important information to have, don’t you think?

The first time I tried to have anal sex I was convinced the guy was lying to me about not being all the way inside.  After about five minutes I got the nerve to look back and when I saw that he hadn’t even gotten the head of his cock completely inside me, I gave up.  I was pretty sure my ass had spontaneously caught fire and was on the verge of making the bed linens flame up from shear proximity.  To say it hurt would be an understatement!  But at least the pain let me know with certainty that I was not prepared to have my metaphorical ass cherry popped.  I’m pretty sure my significant other got the same impression as I ran screaming from the room with my arms flailing around like those of a drunken octopus.

However, the pain wasn’t my only problem.  The man I loved had his wonderfully perverse little heart set on fucking my ass and I hated the idea of disappointing him.  He really didn’t ask for much in that realm and I wanted to fulfill his fantasy.  So I did what any sexually intimidated straight girl would do…I went to see my gay friends.  After what seemed like hours of diagrams drawn on cocktail napkins, instructional mime and dry humping, I was left with more secondhand knowledge than I would ever need on the subject.  So much information, in fact, that it still keeps me awake some nights.  But I walked away with new understanding of the fundamentals of backdoor lovin’.  The next day, I put their advice into practice starting with buying a brand new can of Crisco.

I know it sounds odd and you may never look at a cherry pie the same way again, but I was assured by the guys that it is fairly common for gay men to use shortening as lube for anal sex.  That’s right…Crisco isn’t just for pie crusts and Sunday morning biscuits!  It makes sense if you think about it.  Shortening is non-toxic, safe, cheap, and a little goes a long way.  But most importantly, it doesn’t break down under friction the way typical lubes do.

With your average store bought lube, you have to apply and reapply every few minutes during anal play.  And every time that lube is absorbed into your body, it means you are more susceptible to tearing and pain.  Not to mention it isn’t exactly sexy to have to tell your partner you need more lube every tenth stroke.  But for whatever reason, shortening doesn’t seem to require multiple applications.  I was shocked to find that out, myself.  After trying it the first time, I was sold.  I have to tell you though, I can’t walk down the shortening aisle at the grocery store without wondering just how many people there are buying it to cook with and how many are buying it for much steamier pursuits.

Once I got my fresh new can of Crisco home, I grabbed a hard plastic dildo and started playing around.  I really had no intention of getting it inside me that night.  After all, I had tried previously to have anal sex and it ended disastrously when the pain became too overwhelming to handle.  Imagine my surprise when after only a few minutes lying on my side with the toy gently pressed against my tight little lubed hole, it started to slip in all on its own!

It was as if the anal sex fairy waved his magic sphincter specter over my ass and opened me up to all kinds of new possibilities.  Not only did I easily get the toy all the way inside me, but it actually felt good!  I couldn’t believe it.  How could something that hurt so badly before feel so good a couple of days later?  But the answer was simple.  I didn’t really care if I got it inside me or not.  I was just enjoying the feeling of having the toy pressed lightly enough against me to tickle my asshole.  I never tried to force it inside.  And when my body was all relaxed and ready, it pulled the dildo in all on its own.  I suppose most things in life are like that…once you stop trying to force them to happen, they just come about organically.

From that point on, not only was I capable of having anal sex with my alpha, but I enjoy it.  It’s not just the physical sensation, but the mental and emotional as well.  For an alpha male, knowing that you trust him and are willing to put yourself completely in his hands is not only a turn-on but an expression of love.  And how he responds to that gift, will show you how much he cares for you.  Anal sex isn’t only difficult for the woman; it is also difficult for any man who doesn’t want to hurt you.  It has to be done very slowly and requires the kind of patience usually reserved for Biblical figures.  With every moment that passes with the head of his cock pressing against your asshole just waiting, everything inside him is screaming to just shove it in.  But he doesn’t.  He waits for your body to be ready so he doesn’t hurt you even though what his body wants is in complete opposition to that.

What you can do to help him is find a position that allows him to have the easiest entry and also steady himself.  My personal preference is doggie style.  It is a very relaxed position for both of you so during the entry process no one gets cramps or accidentally slips.  Plus, it allows your man to steady himself on your hips.  Arching your back seems to allow for easier entry, too.  And it gives him a very nice visual.  Men do love their visuals.

When I am having anal sex, I tend to let my mind and my heart go to the softest place possible.  It helps to know and understand that for your alpha, this is one of the most difficult sexual acts to perform.  As good as it feels when he is finally inside, it is pretty close to torture for him until he is balls-deep in your warm little ass.  Anal sex is an opportunity to let your man make love to you—not just fuck you—in an entirely new way.