For a long time I've been meaning to write about growing up bullied, but I didn't have the courage to do it. With the recent ban of Transgender people serving in the US military, I'm motivated.

Parts of this journal have been rewritten. After rereading this, I think that I was harsh. Too harsh to really help foster a positive response to this information. For my initial rant, I apologize, it was a lot of hurt coming out all at once. I apologize for that.

I'd like to help talk about being intersex.

Intersex is defined as being the same as hermaphroditism, but many with the intersex condition do not like them being equated, as hermaphoritism brings to mind the mythical combination of all functioning genitalia. This stigmatizing word generally makes the intersex condition look like a fetish, and as such one must never call a person with the intersex condition a hermaphrodite or "herm" without their express permission.

--What's the difference between being transgender or transsexual and having an intersex condition?
>People who identify as transgender or transsexual are usually people who are born with typical male or female anatomies but feel as though they’ve been born into the “wrong body.” For example, a person who identifies as transgender or transsexual may have typical female anatomy but feel like a male and seek to become male by taking hormones or electing to have sex reassignment surgeries.

>People who have intersex conditions have anatomy that is not considered typically male or female. Most people with intersex conditions come to medical attention because doctors or parents notice something unusual about their bodies. In contrast, people who are transgendered have an internal experience of gender identity that is different from most people. [url=http://www.isna.org/faq/transgender]Continue reading[url].

If you want to fetishize me, or tell me how jealous you are of my condition, consider reading this entire journal. If you're an asshole you will be screened and you will be blocked. I've been put through enough shit without having to deal with it here. Of course, this does not apply to people that are genuinely curious and simply want to ask questions or discuss the condition!


Ok. Now I'll pull back my spines, grab a glass of milk, and get on to the catharsis. I swear I'll try to be less prickly from here out!

To give context to the bullying, I'll start by summing up my condition. Roughly speaking, before several surgeries, I was in a constant state of sepsis. I had a mix of sex organs, and some of them had grown infected and my body was starting to attack them. Now, after several surgeries and medication I'll have to take for the rest of my life, I am no longer in a constant state of internal suppuration (just pain). As for my sexual organs, to avoid future complications, I opted to have them all removed. I still fully identify as male. These are the details of my condition that I feel comfortable sharing.

When I reached high school, I made the firm decision to openly identify and live my life as male. This was over ten years ago, and transgendered people didn't have the voice they do today, intersex was unheard of where I'm from. When I first started using male pronouns, teachers were very confused, but my close friends understood and took very little time to start using them. My parents weren't understanding at all, and didn't respect me. (It took many years, but my close family is finally supporting.)

I didn't know any other trans or intersex people in school, so I felt completely alone when people bullied me. I got into fights. I failed gym twice, because of altercations in the locker room. I refused to change there for class. Slurs were written on my locker.

I found us.vclart.net in the 90's when looking for werewolf pictures. Finding that I wasn't the only one drawing animal people, I signed up and began posting right away. (At this time I was still using a female fursona and a male alternate sona because I was too scared to come out online.) At first things were great! I drew fan art for people and did as many trades as people would agree to. I chatted on forums and role played with people. I was building a support network to escape the bullying from school.

Then I interacted with the wrong person, and the online life I had created was devastated. When I decided to live as a male, this person would use slurs and call me girl's names on purpose. At first when this person and their friends began harassing me, I fought back. In school if I beat someone up, they tended to stop. This doesn't work the same online, because anyone can be an Internet Tough Guy™. After awhile, I just gave up. I let this person and their friends bully me. I tried doing things "the right way" and reporting them without interacting. Nothing put a stop to them. No matter what site I went to, I was trolled and outed for being a "tranny". Dozens of hate art drawings appeared and despite not retaliating. No one wanted to hear my side of the story, because I wasn't yelling it, I was just trying to lay-low.

By this time my online support network was shattered. Just about all of my original friends no longer wanted anything to do with me, or worse, joined in and harassed me. The original problem person was even offering money to the artists I commissioned asking them draw boobs on my character. To avoid confrontation, people would use they/them pronouns for me so they wouldn't be corrected. I felt so invalidated. To this day I don't like being called them/they.

When I went to my first anthrocon, these same people left sticky posts on the physical message board there about me. They were so terrible that I only took down a couple, and my friends had to remove the rest (there were dozens). I'll admit now what I haven't been able to admit to myself. I cried. Those fucking messages were so mean, and so overwhelming, I cried. During that con I was followed into the bathrooms. At one point someone shoved me and got in my face while I was in fursuit. A friend had to step in in my defense.

In tandem, people outside the fandom became less supportive when I made it into college. I tried to join LGBT groups, but they all demanded to know what was in my pants. I lied about being intersex. It wasn't their business. I just told them I was a guy. But it wasn't enough. I had so-called 'friends' IMing me, demanding I admit to them that I'm transgendered. Even if I were trans, that is completely unacceptable behavior.

At furry conventions, people would misgender me, when I asked for male pronouns they would ask me to "prove it". I was groped without my permission. I was too scared to tell staff, because I just wanted the whole thing to be dropped. I just wanted to be respected.

Finally. I just left. I disappeared from the fandom. I stopped drawing. I let them win.


BUT things got better. I met some furs in AZ that were really nice, and they didn't care what was in my pants. They saw me as a person, someone fun to be around. They taught me what I needed to know for living here in AZ. They invited me to go to local furry meets and I had a great time. All the while, I was seriously ill. Finally, I had the courage to tell people about my condition. The people of that group were so supportive, they even held a charity event to help pay for my surgery. Now I've started attending meets and cons again. I'm trying to take down the walls I've built around myself all of these years (carefully, of course).


If you've made it this far, you have my sincerest appreciation. I apologize if I seem like I'm playing the victim, I really just want to tell my story. I've kept all of this bottled up for so long that it's eaten a hole in me. I don't want sympathy, I want others to know, you're not suffering alone. Things will get better, just hold on. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'll be your support buddy.



PS
If you're tempted to argue about intersex vs hermaphrodite in the comments. Don't. Just do not.