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all_grown_up.txt

In February my daughter Lynn had her 21st birthday and I made a decision that I had been putting off for years. She’s graduating college in just over a month, finishing up a doctorate in physical therapy, which she got interested in during her rehab when she nearly blew out her knee playing volleyball in high school. She was so fascinated with how people are put together and how all the different muscles and bones and structures all move and coordinate with each other and she really likes her PT classes.

Ugh, I’m totally rambling here. Sorry, this has been kind of a whirlwind week for me and I’m still trying to process it all. I might take a few slight artistic liberties here just because I can’t recall everything exactly but I hope the general gist comes across.

So during spring break this year Lynn spent the whole week at home with me. It’s not a big deal since her college is in the same town and it’s only like an hour’s drive to get to the house, but when she started school I insisted that she should stay in the dorms so she could get the whole college experience thing. I went to a vo-tech school and studied hard, and I pretty much knew the whole partying thing wasn’t for me, but because I was so focused on school I didn’t really get to do a whole lot of socializing or make a lot of lifelong friends in college. I didn’t want her to feel like she missed out, so I’ve always encouraged her to go out with her friends, and she’s been dating on and off since she was about 15 or so, so I’m sure she has a pretty good handle on how to have a romantic relationship with a boy.

Spring break wasn’t a huge deal, she brought home some laundry, packed a couple of boxes of food to take back to the dorm with her, and we hung out and watched movies and played some video games and just enjoyed each other’s company the whole time. Apparently it was better than her roommate and her friends, who went to California for spring break and promptly got rained on.

I remembered my decision to talk to Lynn after her birthday, and I halfheartedly tried to engage her in conversation while she was home but I just couldn’t psyche myself up to do it. I knew this was going to be hard on both of us and I really wasn’t looking forward to it.

On Monday I got home to find her on the couch, balled up and crying. I don’t know how it is with other guys who have daughters, but when my little girl is upset I feel an almost physical pain, right in my chest, like my life depends on making her smile again and my heart will quit on me if I can’t. I sat next to her and pulled her up into my lap, which is no mean feat given that she’s as tall as I am now, and I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her head to my chest and just hugged her. She finally calmed down enough to tell me that she’d had a fight with her roommate Cindy, who was jealous that Lynn was graduating this year and Cindy still had two more years to go even though they’re both the same age.

Lynn has always been a really smart kid and I’ve always tried to make sure I didn’t get in her way when it came to learning. She skipped the first grade after a month. After finishing second grade her teacher recommended that she could probably skip straight to fourth grade the next year, but Lynn begged me not to because she had made some really good friends that year and didn’t want to leave them behind. So instead she started taking as many AP credits in high school as she could grab hold of. By the time she finished high school she had nearly all of her undergrad and almost half of her biology/physiology credits to finish a bachelor’s degree, and the local state college was so impressed with her academic record that they accepted her straight into the physical therapy program. She’s actually burned through so many extra credits this past year that she’s only got two classes left this semester, so she’s been kind of bored only having to go to class three days a week.

Needless to say, no matter how much I encouraged Lynn to date it was pretty hard on her. She intimidated all the boys in high school; I think the longest boyfriend she had then lasted nearly two months. I thought it might have been going better in college since she occasionally mentioned she was going to be out with someone, although most of the time she mentioned a different name than the last time.

Ugh, gotta focus! Sorry, it just seems like there’s so much about Lynn I need to say so that everything will make sense. My little girl is just so special and it feels like nothing I can say really properly conveys that no matter how hard I stare at the screen and rewrite things.

Back to the topic at hand, I finally got Lynn calmed down and told her that it was fine if she decided to stay home this week until things between her and Cindy blew over. She got up out of my lap and blew her nose and wiped her face, and then she gave me a big hug and everything was all better again.

So that was Monday. On Tuesday Lynn had classes, so she headed back to her dorm room to pick up her dirty clothes and her lab books, went to class, and then came back home. I guess she tried to time it so she would be grabbing her things when she knew Cindy wouldn’t be there.

I had just finished baking a fresh lasagna for us when she got home. If there’s one thing I’m really good at it’s making Italian dinners, and Lynn loves it when I make lasagna for her. She dug in with relish, and I was glad to see her eat well because she’s always been so skinny and a couple of extra pounds here or there would probably do her some good. She did get all the curves that women are supposed to get when they hit puberty, but she’s always been such a volleyball fiend that she’s very petite even at nearly six feet tall, and she’s got a metabolism that won’t quit so it’s very hard for her to put any weight on.

We didn’t have any plans for the evening and she didn’t have classes tomorrow (which was today, as I’m writing this) so I figured if I was going to talk to her this was the best opportunity since there’d be no distractions and she’d have plenty of time to think about things. As we were loading the dishwasher I told her that there was something very important I needed to talk to her about and we could head into the living room once the dishes were going.

All the color drained out of her face and she looked like she was about to drop the plate she was holding. I remembered that whenever she had gotten in trouble as a little girl I would always tell her that we needed to talk about something important, and she must have thought she was in trouble for something. “Sweetheart,” I said, “you’re not in trouble for anything, there’s just something that I need to tell you. It’s okay, nothing to worry about.”

She smiled but she still had a worried look on her face. She put the plate in the dishwasher and closed the door, set the wash cycle, and turned it on. “Daddy, do you mind if I get my laundry started first?” I said I didn’t mind at all and I was walking out of the kitchen when she called out to me. “Daddy?” I turned my head but she still had her back to me, leaning on the counter over the dishwasher. Her voice was soft, and I could barely hear it over the chugging water in the dishwasher: “I think I have something important I need to tell you too.”

Thinking back on it I probably should have known something was up but I was so involved in my own thoughts at the time that I didn’t even notice. I walked out to the couch in the living room and made myself comfortable. It’s a sectional couch, with a 90 degree bend in the middle, and one half is a loveseat and the other is a chaise. When Lynn and I sit on the couch we usually each take one side of the corner and sometimes when we’re watching TV we play footsies and try to tickle each other’s legs with our toes.

After a few minutes Lynn came in and sat down across the corner on the couch from me. She looked nervous and I didn’t blame her because I was extremely on edge myself. I looked her in the eyes and gathered up my courage and started talking.

“Sweetheart, I want you to know that no matter what I will always love you with all my heart. You’re my special baby bear and no matter what happens I will always be your poppa bear.” My physique has always been on the larger side (think defensive football player), and I’m pretty furry like all the guys in my family, so when she was three Lynn declared that after she spilled juice all over her teddy bear (for the third time) she really didn’t need it anymore, because she had a big poppa bear to cuddle with instead. The name has stuck ever since.

I took a deep breath. “I have to tell you something that I think might break your heart, and I so don’t want to hurt you sweetheart. It hurts me so much to see you hurting, and I’m afraid of telling you this, but I promised someone I’d have this talk with you one day and-“

“And you always taught me to keep your word, no matter what,” she whispered.

I nodded, trying hard not to choke up. Lynn was already starting to tear up a bit, she looked scared of what I was going to say and that dull ache in my chest started up again. I reached my arms out to her and she scooted over, sitting in my lap, and I held her close.

“I always want you to remember how much I love you sweetheart, and I want you to know that I’ve always loved you, even before you were born. And…” I faltered a bit here, trying to choose my words carefully. “I loved you so much when I first saw you in that hospital that I adopted you, and took you home to be with me,” I whispered into her hair.

I could feel her tense up a little in my arms, and then she sniffled a bit and pulled back, looking up at me. We just looked at each other for a while, and then she smiled, and tucked her head back to my chest. “You know I love you Daddy, and it doesn’t matter where I came from, you’ll always be my poppa bear.”

I kissed her hair and squeezed her close to me. She giggled. “Jeez, Daddy, I think you’re taking this a lot harder than I am. So what if you and Sarah didn’t actually conceive me?” Sarah is my ex-wife, we divorced a few months after I brought Lynn home from the hospital. “You’re gonna be my Daddy forever, so don’t think you can get away that easily!”

I laughed at that. “I’m glad you’re okay with this sweetheart. I was afraid you might be upset. I wanted to wait to tell you until you were old enough to deal with it emotionally, so that’s why I never told you until now.”

“You really think I needed to be old enough to drink before you told me I was adopted? Daddy, please, c’mon.”

“I know, sweetheart, I’ve tried to talk to you this since before you went to college, but I always chickened out. You know how much it hurts me to see you when you’re hurting.”

She sighed. “That’s what I love about you so much Daddy, you’ve always had your arms around me, protecting me and making me feel safe.”

I just about burst into tears at that point. Lynn seemed to sense something was wrong because she looked up at me again. “Daddy?”

“There’s more,” I choked out.

She leaned out and pulled her arms around my neck. Now it was my little girl snuggling me and kissing my hair while I tried to get my composure back. The irony was not lost on me.

Finally I lifted my head and looked into her eyes. She swallowed, hard, and said, “Daddy, you said you loved me even before I was born, right?” I nodded, my eyes never leaving hers. She bit her bottom lip. “You knew my biological parents, didn’t you?”

I did tell you she was smart.

I finally bowed my head, breaking eye contact with her, but she didn’t let go of me, keeping her arms firmly wrapped around my neck. “Your Aunt Victoria,” I whispered.

I looked back up again and Lynn’s face had gone pale as a sheet. “Tell me,” she choked out.

I leaned back a bit, staring at the ceiling, the cabinets, the TV, anywhere but her, and haltingly told her about her biological mother. My half sister Vicky is my youngest sibling. When my mom divorced my dad and took me, he remarried almost immediately, and my stepmom had my half brother Derek two years behind me, then Vicky two years behind him. I stayed for two months over the summers with my dad until I was 10, when he was taking care of the kids and finishing up his bachelor’s degree, and from then on I only saw him once every few years, when the whole family got together.

Vicky was dad’s baby girl, and Vicky had dad wrapped around her little finger just as tightly as Lynn has me wrapped around hers. Anything she wanted, he gave her; anything she needed, she only had to ask. After high school she shacked up with her boyfriend Ted, and they established a common law marriage for almost 10 years. But Vicky was tired of Ted being stuck in a rut and not wanting more out of life, and she later told me she felt like there was so much she wanted to do and couldn’t because he was holding her back. So she filed for divorce, left Ted with the mortgage payment, and moved into an apartment that dad paid the rent on for a year so she could be wild and crazy again. She went skydiving, she got a tattoo, she hit the bars every other night and brought a new guy home with her once a week. I wish I could have been closer to Vicky as a big brother, to protect her from the world, but because of mom and dad’s infighting I couldn’t really get close to her until we’d both grown up, and by then it was too late. It’s one the reasons I’ve always been so protective of Lynn, because I never felt like I measured up as a real big brother to Vicky.

A year after breaking up with Ted, one of Vicky’s friends from work set her up on a blind date with a guy named Yuri, who was a pastry chef at one of the local hotels. Yuri was from Russia, in the US on a green card, and his wife was an American citizen and had custody of his daughter, but treated them both like crap. They were separated, but Yuri’s wife had him convinced that if they got divorced he would be immediately deported back to Russia and he would never see his daughter again. I told Vicky that this guy might be a bad idea, that he had problems she didn’t need to deal with, but her argument boiled down to “he’s hot.”

At this Lynn scrunched up her eyebrows. “He’s the one, isn’t he? Yuri is my real- my biological father, right?” I nodded, and continued my story.

Vicky spent just over a month dating Yuri before she moved in with him. He was working two jobs to cover child support and Vicky was working weird hours as a contract government worker, so they really only saw each other twice a day, when one was getting ready for bed and the other was waking up. Still, Vicky helped walk Yuri through his divorce proceedings, and eventually the judge ordered Yuri’s now ex-wife to start looking for work because even though she had sole custody, he was cutting her child support payment in half. Yuri was satisfied with that; his ex had started turning his daughter hatefully against him and he didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore.

That’s when the trouble really began. Vicky began having really stressful days at work at the end of her project, and her management was chewing the whole team out on an almost weekly basis. Yuri didn’t like being around Vicky when she was cranky, and ended up being out with friends a lot when she came home. Nobody was sure if it was the stress, or if maybe she missed taking her pill for a few days because she was so out of sorts, or even if the antibiotics the doctor prescribed for the nasty sinus infection she got was to blame, but the second day Vicky started throwing up in the toilet first thing in the morning Yuri was furious.

Lynn’s eyes went really wide at this. “What the hell, Daddy? Why would he be mad at her?”

I explained that Yuri had accused Vicky of trying to trap him into marriage like his ex wife did (no, they weren’t married yet, or even common law married, after over a year of living together). She vehemently denied it, and he gave her an ultimatum - either she get an abortion, or he would kick her out and move back to Russia so she couldn’t sock him for child support.

That night Vicky called dad and her mom and talked to them. Her mom is a nurse and she was very clinical; her advice was to have the abortion, not to please Yuri, but because being a mother was hard enough, and being an unwed one on her own was even harder. Dad promised her either enough money for the procedure or to let her move back home, whichever she thought was best. (My stepmom apparently made her displeasure about the latter choice known, very loudly.) So Vicky called me, and I hashed it out with her and over the course of about an hour on the phone I helped her focus on what she really wanted.

She wanted to abort.

Lynn kind of gasped at this, turning pale again.

When I pushed her to figure out why she was choosing Yuri over her unborn child, my sister’s selfishness rose right to the top: Yuri was still hot, and she’d never had a guy that hot before, and she wanted to keep him as long as she could hold his interest.

Lynn did not handle this part well. She kind of growled to herself, and her face turned a sort of mottled pink. It was not pretty.

I leaned over and stared into Lynn’s eyes again, and very slowly I said, “I told Vicky that if she aborted her baby over something as petty as keeping her hot boyfriend, I would never talk to her again. I would never see her again, and anytime the family got together and she was present, I would not come. And if anyone ever asked me why, I would tell them the truth about why.”

Lynn took a deep breath and nodded. I could see her starting to tear up again. “Thank you so much Daddy.”

I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and wiped the tears out of her eyes. “Anything for you sweetheart.” And then I continued on.

Vicky had gotten really quiet on the phone and I thought she might just hang up on me. But she just started crying. “I don’t know what to do, I hate the thought of just killing a baby but I don’t want to be alone again…”

At that point I’d had an epiphany. I told her that if she could convince Yuri to carry the baby to term, I would adopt it, raise it, and never ask anything from either of them. That way Vicky wouldn’t have to abort, Yuri wouldn’t have to pay for another baby, and the baby would grow up still in the family and in a good stable home.

Lynn finally let go of my neck and cuddled back up close to my chest, tears streaming freely down her face. I started to get choked up again myself, and we just sat there for a minute, me holding her closely again.

I told her that Vicky spent almost two weeks convincing Yuri to let her keep the baby, and he finally gave in, if just to stop her from constantly bringing it up. He was still pissed though, and he made it known that he was going to do absolutely nothing for her child whatsoever. He meant it too. Every other week I had to go with Vicky to her obstetrician. I’m the one who took home all of the ultrasound photos. I’m the one who got the panicked call at 2 AM to take Vicky to the hospital when her water broke. And I’m the one who picked my new daughter’s name, Lynn. Thankfully Vicky had already signed all the adoption paperwork ahead of time, we just needed a copy of the birth certificate filed with social services, and after two days in the hospital Vicky went home to Yuri, and I took Lynn home with me.

“You said Sarah couldn’t handle being a mother.”

I nodded. “I don’t think it’s that she couldn’t handle being a mother, it’s that she couldn’t handle being a mother to someone else’s baby. She’d had her tubes tied when we got married because she had some reproductive issues and her doctor said it was medically dangerous for her to get pregnant. I think in her way she was a little jealous of all the attention I paid to you, and that’s why we got divorced after I brought you home.

“And that’s the whole story.”

Lynn had finally stopped crying. “I’m so mad at Aunt Victoria now. She was supposed to take care of me and love me and instead she let her hormones run loose.” Then she sighed. “No, I guess I can’t really be mad at her. If she hadn’t been so shallow I wouldn’t have had the most wonderful Daddy in the world.”

I smiled. “I don’t want to seem spiteful, but karma bit her pretty hard on the ass afterwards. Once Vicky had you, Yuri was just barely interested in her. They still lived together but he barely spoke to her. I think the only reason he stuck around so long was because she put out for him.” Lynn giggled at that. “Right before your sixth birthday Vicky came home from work and Yuri’s apartment was empty. All the furniture was gone, all the food was out of the fridge, and the landlord said Yuri had turned in his keys that morning. We all assumed he probably moved back to Russia.”

Lynn pulled back again and looked at me. “She came over during my birthday party. You were yelling at her.” Her eyes narrowed. “She wanted to tell me, didn’t she? Everything you just told me about her and Yuri, she wanted to tell me then.”

I nodded. See how smart my baby girl is?

She huffed and sank back against my chest again. “The nerve of her, springing something like that on a little kid. Why would she ever do something like that?”

“I think she was drunk, I mean really drunk,” I said. “It was very unusual. She’s got a really high metabolism like yours, even if she drinks hard she can process it quick enough to keep her buzzed but not much more, and if she chugs it’s too much and she throws up. I don’t even know how she managed to get that smashed before she came over that day. And when I told her there was no way in hell I was going to let her come in here and destroy a little girl’s sense of her place in the world and in her family, she forced me to promise that I’d tell you myself. And I made her that promise, on the condition that you had to be old enough to understand what it all meant.”

“Consider your promise kept, Daddy. I think I got the better end of the bargain, I traded in a pair of shallow, self-absorbed breeders for the best Daddy in the world, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” We sat there for a few more minutes in silence, her curled up in my lap and snuggled up in my arms.

Eventually she pulled back and wrapped her arms around my neck again, pulling my head close to hers and gently resting her forehead against mine. Her eyes were closed, and she had an odd look on her face that I couldn’t decipher. She finally pulled back and looked back at me again.

“I had something important I wanted to tell you too, Daddy. I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while too, and I chickened out just as much as you did.” She grinned. “I guess there’s precedent now.” I smiled and chuckled a little. Lynn turned serious. “Daddy, do you remember one night when I was 12, and I snuck downstairs to get a glass of water, and you were laying on the couch?” I nodded, and she continued. “You were laying on the couch, and you looked so sad, and when you noticed me you tried to hide it so I wouldn’t be upset, and you wouldn’t tell me why you were so sad. But I finally got you to tell me that you were lonely, and you loved me and I loved you but you wanted someone to take care of you just as well as you took care of me.”

That had been a rough night. Lynn had hit puberty and was starting to fill in. I’d never fantasized about my daughter that way, even after she got older, although I begrudgingly admit years ago I had caught myself thinking dirty thoughts about some of her high school friends, but on that night 9 years ago Lynn reminded me of my sister so much, and the fact that Vicky really had nobody anymore, and I had nobody but Lynn, and while being the father of a wonderful little girl was really the highlight of my life, I didn’t have anyone I could share those feelings with in an adult setting. It was already a full time job taking care of a little girl by myself, and having full time employment on top of that meant I really didn’t have any time or inclination to date anyone.

Lynn pulled me into a close hug, our chins resting on each others’ shoulders. “That was the first time it really dawned on me how much you really loved me Daddy. You were always there when I got nightmares in the dark, or when I skinned my knees and elbows on my bike, or when I was just grumpy and needed someone to tickle me. And I want you to know that as much as it hurts to know when I’m hurt, that was the night that I finally realized that I hurt just as much when you are.

“Do you remember what I told you that night, Daddy?”

It made me smile, remembering what she’d said. We both said together, “Daddy, when I grow up, I’ll take care of you.”

“I remember sweetheart. You don’t know how much it meant to me hearing you say that, knowing that you cared about me just as much as I care about you, even if you didn’t quite understand why I was hurting.” She jerked back away from me, gripping my shoulders with her hands. “Daddy, you are such a dunce sometimes. I knew exactly what was going on with you. I spent the next month trying to figure out how to fix you up with someone, but only two of my friends had single mothers and they were both complete shrews, and only one of my teachers was single but she was almost 60, and my volleyball coach was a lesbian… I just didn’t have a lot of options at the time.”

I laughed. “I cannot believe you just said that sweetheart. That is absolutely adorable, if a little conniving.”

She grinned. “You’ve always taken good care of me Daddy, I felt it only fair I try to do the same for you.” She tilted her head down, looking away from me. “But I couldn’t. I never forgot that night. And nobody seemed good enough for you. And you’ve had to be all by yourself for three years because I’m not home anymore because I couldn’t find anybody to take care of you like you’ve always taken care of me. And that makes me feel awful.”

She looked back up at me. Her mouth opened like she wanted to say something but she hesitated, but she quickly recovered. “Daddy, I’m all grown up now,” she whispered.

And she leaned forward and kissed me.

It was incredible. This was no quick little girl pecking her daddy on the lips kind of kiss. Her lips were so warm and soft, and it felt like love and tenderness and joy all wrapped up in a little moist explosion. She opened her mouth a little and I did too automatically, her tongue gently, hesitantly seeking mine. I think it must only have been a few seconds but it felt like hours when I finally pulled back from her and we just stared at one another.

I literally couldn’t say anything. My mind was whirling in a million different directions at once and I just couldn’t focus on anything coherent. She must have taken my silence to mean I was rejecting her because tears started streaming down her cheeks again, and that snapped me back to reality again.

I reached out and pulled her into my arms again, holding her snuggled close like I had been all night. “Oh God, I’m so sorry Daddy, I just broke us didn’t I?” she sobbed into my chest.

I just stroked her back and her arms and kissed her hair and held her close to me, trying to calm her down again. “It’s okay sweetheart, you’ve done nothing wrong, and your Daddy still loves you and he always will.”

Finally she calmed down enough to talk again and I handed her a tissue to blow her nose.

“Sweetheart, I am so humbled that you love me so much. But I want better for you than an old man like me with a crummy job that pays the bills and not much else. I want you to find a man you can fall in love with, one that loves you as much as I do. I want you to get married, and have kids of your own, and be with your own family and love them as much as I love you.”

She used the lip quiver on me, the helpless little girl who’s going to cry if I take away her toys lip quiver. “Daddy I’ve been dating since high school. All the high school boys were immature cavemen, and most of the ones I’ve dated at college weren’t much better. Did you know I’ve dated 10 different boys in three years of college? None of them were worth my time.”

Then she used the Look, the one that she uses when she wants something and knows she can’t justify it, but if she can come up with a reasonable sounding excuse she knows I’ll cave anyway. Those are the two deadliest weapons in her arsenal against me. Either on their own are formidable, but together? This was scorched earth warfare.

“Daddy, nobody I’ve ever dated can stand up to you. Nobody I’ve ever dated has ever made me feel as loved and protected and safe as you do. Nobody I’ve ever dated has ever encouraged me or supported me following my dreams and interests like you do. I’m afraid you’ve entirely ruined me for men forever.”

I finally noticed her hands shaking slightly on my shoulders. She was so nervous, and trying so hard to hide it and act confident. I knew she must be deathly afraid I would reject her, and it must have been very important to her to take the chance of telling me all of this. And there was no way on earth I could willingly hurt my little girl.

“Sweetheart, this isn’t a no,” and her face lit up, “but this isn’t a yes either.” Her smile was a little more subdued, but she was still smiling and that was good enough for now. “Look, tonight has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for both of us, and I think that maybe we should both sleep on things and we can talk about this tomorrow night with clearer heads. Sound good?”

“Okay Daddy. I’d better go check on the laundry.”

I checked the clock. We’d been sitting on the couch talking for almost three hours. Lynn kissed me on the lips again, but just a quick peck this time, like she wanted to remind me that I needed to give her an answer but she didn’t want to force the issue.

After she changed out the laundry we watched TV for a bit and I headed to bed. She was still asleep when I left for work Wednesday morning and I typed up most of this at work during my free time. When I got home after work Lynn had left a note on the table saying that she was going to meet Cindy at Starbucks to try to work out their roommate issues and she’d be back in time for dinner. We still had plenty of lasagna left so I stuck some in the oven to warm. When she got home Lynn was really shy and seemed to want to look in every direction but mine, and after dinner she immediately headed up to her room to study.

“Daddy, I still want to talk to you about last night, but I think it’s a bad idea right now because I have labs tomorrow and I really need to go over the text for this chapter.”

I love my little girl so much. Her whole life is topsy turvy at the moment but she knows how to prioritize. “It’s okay sweetheart, whenever you’re ready. Take all the time you need.”

And with that she dashed up the stairs to her bedroom, turned on some Beyonce (why she likes that music I can’t ever profess to know), and hit the books.

Last night, Thursday, we finally sat got a chance to talk again. I’ve been trying very hard not to say anything out of the blue or try to pressure Lynn into saying anything about what happened Tuesday night, but after dinner she finally said we needed to discuss things just so it wasn’t hanging over our heads, especially after she leaves this weekend to go back to her dorm.

God I love my little girl so much. She’s got such a good head on her shoulders.

We sat across from each other on the corners of the sectional couch like usual. She kept opening her mouth to talk, then apparently thought better of it and shut it, over and over again. I teased her and said she looked like a fish flopping around. She glared at me, although I could see a little bit of a smile peeking out.

Finally she sighed. “Damn it Daddy, I just can’t talk to you this way.” So she crawled across the couch, settled herself in my lap, and pulled my arms around her again. “Much better.”

I laughed at this and she giggled against my chest. “Sorry Daddy, but this makes me safe enough to talk to you like an adult. Not that you’ve ever talked down to me or anything, but admit it Daddy; you still look at me and see the baby you brought home from the hospital, don’t you?”

I was lost for words. I’d never really thought about it before like that. All these years it had been Lynn and I against the world. She was the center of my life, and I’d been completely devoted to keeping her safe and secure from anything the world could throw at her for over 20 years now. I think she was right; even after she started to mature into a woman I’d never thought about her as a woman because in my heart she’d always been my little girl.

Finally I nodded at her, and she looked up at me with the most gorgeous smile I’d ever seen. “Daddy, you know I love you so much, but I wasn’t kidding the other night when I said I’m grown up now.” She hesitated. “I’ve always felt so safe and secure around you because I always knew my Daddy would stop at nothing to protect his little girl. But I’m not a little girl anymore, and I want you to start looking at me as a woman.”

And she leaned up and kissed me again. This one wasn’t quite as intense as the other night, but it was soft and warm and oh so sweet. She studied me closely after she pulled away, probably making sure she wasn’t scaring me off.

“I’ll try sweetheart. Just give me some time to get used to the idea.”

She chuckled. “Daddy, by biblical standards I’ve been a woman for almost 10 years now. You’ve had plenty of time.” She snuggled back up against me. “But I think we both need to go slow with this. I’m still trying to figure out how sex is going to work.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “So you’ve been a woman for 10 years and you don’t know how sex works yet? I find that hard to believe.”

Lynn blushed the cutest shade of pink all over her cheeks. “Daddy, I didn’t mean that! I know perfectly well how sex works.” And then she seemed to kind of shrink in on herself, curling up on my lap. “Daddy,” she whispered, “I’m not a virgin. I didn’t save myself for you.”

I leaned forward and kissed her hair. “Sweetheart, why would I ever expect you to? I insisted you date to try to get you away from all the schoolwork, to keep an active social life and make friends. I expected you to experiment along the way. You’re not planning to be a nun, are you?” She shook her head. “So don’t worry about it.”

Truthfully I was starting to come apart at the seams a little bit at this point. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never thought of my daughter sexually (hell, apparently I’ve never really thought of her as a grown woman) and the thought of having sex with my daughter caused all sorts of internal conflict. It was exciting and terrifying and mortifying and exhilarating all at once, and I was having a hard time keeping my composure. Luckily Lynn was content to stay where she was, resting her head on my chest and not looking directly at me.

“Do you know, Daddy, that I haven’t had sex for over a year?”

I sighed into her hair, and my guts clenched. “Sweetheart, did I really need to hear this?”

She tilted her head up and stuck her tongue out at me, then curled back up against me. “I was going out with Roger. Sex with him was… nice, most of the time. But he was more concerned with how much he enjoyed it than whether I did. I went out with him for four months, that’s the longest I’ve ever been able to keep a boyfriend.”

She started tearing up a little. “Daddy, the last time I was with him, he was so mean to me. He didn’t physically hurt me, but he said so many awful things to me… He called me a slut, and a tramp, and a whore, and he accused me of sleeping around on him. It was just a fantasy to him, but it hurt so much to hear those things.”

I let her cry against me, and held her close. When she gained her composure I handed her a kleenex and she wiped her nose. “I’m so sorry if talking about this is making you uncomfortable Daddy,” she said. “But I want you to know that I don’t want you to be scared of me sneaking up behind you and just jumping your bones or anything like that. I want everything to be special, and for us to love each other.”

I reached down and kissed her hair again. “Let’s just take things slowly, sweetheart. There’s no need to rush. Whatever happens, happens.”

She nodded, and I held her close for almost an hour more. Eventually she got up to go to the bathroom and we headed off to bed for the night.

I don’t know what else to say to Lynn about this that hasn’t already been said so I’m going to let things be for now. She is headed back to her dorm tomorrow night after dinner so there probably won’t be any more updates for a while. But it’s really helped me get my own thoughts straight typing this up for you all. I hope you can appreciate what a bizarre week this has been.

Source

• https://www.reddit.com/r/incest/comments/23cowt/fd_all_grown_up/.compact

End note

In a the text file of this:

• "...but on that night 9 years ago Ly..." is:
• "...but on that night 11 years ago Ly..."

Category:Incest

Bug Chasing Stories

http://web.archive.org/web/20080418191041/http://216.246.54.218/conversionstories/zindex.html

All changes (6.45 MB → 3.27 MB):

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  • all the files were "RETRIEVED FROM THE INTERNET ARCHIVE ON" \d+:\d+:\d+ "Apr 4, 2014"
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• /<META NAME="description" CONTENT="For Gay and Bi guys 18 and \nover, into high risk, anal, condomless, bareback sex. Tops and \nbottoms, Poz and Neg, Gift Givers and Bug Chasers, guys into \nHIV, AIDS, the Bug, the Virus and Conversion Scenes.">\n\n<META NAME="keywords" CONTENT="Gay, Bi, Queer, Anal, Anal Sex,Raw, No Condom, \nCondomless, No Rubber, Rubberless, Cum Exchange, \nUnsafe Sex, high risk sex, risky sex, unprotected sex, raw sex, \nHIV, AIDS, neg, negative, High Risk, Risky, Unsafe, poz, \npositive, HIV positive, Anal, Oral, Bug, BugChasers, bugchasing, \nbug chasing, gift giving, giftgiving, GiftGivers, Bug Chasers, \nGift Givers, Gifters, Chasers,trading strains, infecting others, virus, the virus, \nbug, dirty seed, homosexual, bareback, bareback sex, \nbarebacking, bare back, conversions, conversion pozzing,conversion\nscenes, conversion stories, barebacking">//g

Find all stories from that website here (seriously messed up HTML crap and bad encoding):

• User:User000name/Bug Chasing Stories 1
• User:User000name/Bug Chasing Stories 2

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Last time I contributed here was in 2016; it is now 2018.

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• User:User000name/Short