Why I’ve Been Missing And Face Reveal….
Did I get you excited with that clickbait title? Awesome. Now let me break your heart — I’m kidding about the face reveal part. Well, sort of. Here’s a photo of my eye to help satisfy the super-sleuths out there constantly trying to hunt down my identity. :p
First and foremost, I apologize for my absence. I owe everyone an explanation and that’s what this article will be about. This is probably the most important blog post I’ve ever written (yes, even moreso than the fungal acne guide), so I urge you to please please stick around and read it in its entirety.
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Once Upon A Time…
So what’s been going on? Why did I disappear?
It all started on New Years Eve / Day. I was feeling very alone because a few days prior a friend of mine asked me to answer the following question: “Are you more relationship or goal-oriented?”
It made me realize, and I hate to admit this, that I have often been more goal vs. relationship-oriented in my life when I wish the reverse were true. It caused a light-bulb moment to go off in my head, and I suddenly realized why I’ve had little to no motivation to write, or do much of anything.
You see, everything in life always goes back to one central theme: am I being honest with myself?
It is the crux of Brené Brown’s monumental sociological research on vulnerability, which in my opinion is the most profound data on human psychology to date. If you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, here is a good place to start. If you’re too lazy to watch that video, I’ll give you a VERY briefly summary of what it’s about.
We can essentially compartmentalize people into two categories: the happy and the not so happy. Those that live a life of meaning, wholeheartedness, belonging, purpose, etc. and those that don’t. And the only variable that separates the two is vulnerability.
In other words, if you want your life to be rad as hell, all you gotta do is one simple thing. Wear your heart on your sleeve. And do it unapologetically.
Don’t hide or allow any disconnect between what is in your heart (i.e. what you feel) and what you show the world. In short, be yourself and speak honestly about it.
Maybe you’re confused and wondering what that looks like in practice / reality. Here are a couple examples of vulnerability to help give you an idea:
It means telling a woman you are crazy about her even though it might scare and drive her away. It means expressing an unpopular opinion in a room of people who might disagree. It means asking for help because we can’t do it alone. It means apologizing and admitting we were wrong. It means coming out to your parents.
It means showing we are imperfect and make mistakes. It means asking your boss for a raise because you think you deserve it. It means saying “I don’t know” when we don’t have all the answers. It means that honesty is the best policy. It means making eye contact with someone when you got a face full of acne etc.
These aren’t easy things to do, but it’s a necessary space we must go into if we ever expect to get what we want out of life. Why?
Because we miss 100% of the shots we don’t take. How will we ever get the things we want if we aren’t taking risks? If we’re hiding behind masks and refusing to enter the arena where these things are birthed in the first place?
The sum goal of life should be to have as little “what ifs” possible when death comes a-knocking. :p And to do that, we have to slap fear upside the head and be vulnerable.
“Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”—Brené Brown
“Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant. There is no such thing. Making the unknown known is what’s important.”—Georgia O’Keeffe
Make sense? Cool.
But People Are Silly.
“We all have our ‘superhero capes.’ Ways of pretending so our real tender selves don’t have to be seen and can’t be hurt. They deflect every good and bad thing off of them, and keep us from having to feel much at all.”—Glennon Doyle Melton, Lessons from the Mental Hospital | TED Talk
Unfortunately, being vulnerable is easier said than done, so there are ALL KINDS of ways that people avoid doing it. I won’t cover them all because that would take too long, but here are a few common examples:
1. Projection
In other words, criticizing others because we don’t want to own up to our own sh*t.
2. Badassery
Or trying to act all cool, calm, and collected and like nothing phases us. Pffft, please. We aren’t fooling anyone.
“I know that the number one rule to being cool is to seem unfazed, to never admit that anything scares you or impresses you or excites you. Somebody once told me it’s like walking through life like this.
*Puts arms up like a boxer*
You protect yourself from all the unexpected miseries or hurt that might show up. But I try to walk through life like this.
*Opens up the palms of her hands*
And yes, that means catching all of those miseries and hurt, but it also means that when beautiful, amazing things just fall out of the sky, I’m ready to catch them.
I use spoken word (poetry) to rediscover wonder, to fight my instincts to be cool and unfazed and, instead, actively pursue being engaged with what goes on around me, so that I can reinterpret and create something from it.”—Sarah Kay, If I Should Have A Daughter | Ted Talk
3. Serpentining
A.k.a. dodging conflict, discomfort, or possible confrontation outta fear of being hurt or hurting someone else (ironically, this just causes more pain to the people we’re avoiding). I’m looking at all those who engage in ghosting, icing, and simmering. Shake my head. -_-
4. Lying.
This manifests as everything from pretending to be something we’re not, to embellishing stories about hardship / victimizing ourselves because it’s the easy way to get comfort outta somebody.
5. Numbing.
Embracing whatever deadens the pain or discomfort we feel inside. This can be done through stuff like drugs, alcohol, or even WILD ORGIES.
There’s your risky click of the day. Can I be trusted? O_o
6. Oversharing.
This sounds counter-intuitive, but oversharing is actually a way of not authentically being vulnerable! Biggest example I can give you is social media.
It’s very easy to think we can seek validation by posting about our lives on instagram, facebook, twitter, snapchat etc. But the truth is that likes on a screen are lifeless, and they’re not gonna bring us the fulfillment we’re longing for.
Speaking of social media….
7. Distraction
Excessive use of instagram, reddit, youtube, or even netflix, shopping, being a workalcoholic etc., can all be signs that we’re running away from emotions we gotta sift through.
8. Perfectionism
In other words, trying to make yourself bulletproof. Thinking that you are going to become such a motherf*ckin’ badass with all your accolades and accomplishments that people will just sniff the OG-status off you and want to befriend you. Physician and addiction-specialist Gabor Maté said it best, “if they don’t want me, at least they’re going to need me.”
That’s all perfectionism really is when you examine it closely: a deep-rooted desire to belong and be admired. It’s something that’s particularly rampant in the beauty space. I’ll give you one example. “If I just add ONE MORE product to this 10-step Korean beauty routine I will finally have glowing skin, and that boy or girl will notice me!”
Hint: sexy fades, but an awesome personality lasts forever. 
And here’s the harsh reality — you are never going to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist, and chasing it is only a detour on the path of you becoming real and honest. Nobody wants the perfect you anyway. It’s not relatable.
Besides, I can guarantee that the people who only want the bulletproof version of you aren’t there for the right reasons.
There’s a famous quote from the movie Almost Famous that said it best, “the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” So seriously, be uncool, be vulnerable. The RIGHT people will love you for it! And those that don’t can f*ck off. Just kidding…. don’t be mean.
And now for some poetry 
to really drive the point home!
“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”—Marc Chernoff
In other words, if you show someone the vulnerable side of yourself and they do not express gratitude for its presence: walk away. Because that person is too small to understand your heart, and does not belong there.
Have enough self-respect to understand that your happiness is not tied down to one person or thing. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” And friend, you are much too whole to be loved in halves.
Last but not least, what I’m most guilty of….
9. Isolation.
“Everyone just wants peace of mind and that’s not something you can give yourself.”—Brittany, a fellow reader of this blog
“Wanting to be alone” is really just a way of trying to protect our hearts; a way of mitigating potential hurt from the outside world by refusing to let people in. We do this for many reasons, but the two most common are fear of intimacy (what if I get my heart broken again?) and thinking we won’t be good enough (insecurity).
Note: isolation can also be fueled by narcissism, i.e. a belief that those around us aren’t worthy enough prospects to be let into our inner lives.
Oftentimes, isolation / loneliness go hand in hand with trying to become bulletproof. We spend so much time alone “focusing on ourselves” thinking it will make people like us more. For some, it can even become a revenge plot!
“Just wait until that person who f*cked me over realizes what they lost cause I’m fittin’ to be a RAMBO.”
Ours is a culture that views self-reliance as a virtue, and it’s one of the most perverse lies we are told. As Nayyirah Waheed beautifully put it in her poem titled acceptance: “we are never our own. we must change this fact.”
In other words, do not “focus on yourself.” Focus on other people. “Serve those who serve others, and you will live a life of joy and fulfillment.”—Simon Sinek, Oliver Scholars Keynote Speech
Case in point: this blog was made for you not me. I could have easily kept everything I learned to myself. But life’s only fun when we’re doing it together. Happiness is best shared with others, as they say.
And I mean seriously dude, when have you ever been inspired by a person who only cared about themselves? Never. We are inspired by the people who take up space and fill it with more ballsy amounts of love than seems sensible.
“Humility isn’t about thinking less of yourself, it’s about thinking of yourself less…. That advice has given me a spectacular disregard for where my abilities end, and a spectacular disregard for being the center of attention. In fact, [since the day I heard that] I’ve never been the center of attention: you’re the center of mine. And that’s a vastly different feeling.”—Caroline McHugh, The Art of Being Yourself | TED Talk
I always thought that if I “focused on myself,” everything would fall into place. But the opposite is true. To feel wholehearted, you gotta become the most selfless version of yourself towards the people around you. Give more than you take, and expect less.
It may not always be easy, and sometimes it downright hurts. You may even get your heart broken a few times, but it’s “better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.”—Alfred Lord Tennyson
You may be asking yourself, “why even bother? This sounds like too much work.” I’ll let Brené Brown explain that herself:
“Here’s the very worst news from my research. The news that above all other, I did not want to hear. And I don’t even want to say it to you because I think it’s mean to say, but it’s so true: our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted.”
Ouch. I remember wincing the first time I heard that. And somedays I still hate her for planting that seed of truth in my heart, because it is the reason my chest has collapsed on me so many times. But she’s right. And there’s no denying it.
So we just gotta keep showing up cause it’s the bravest thing we can do. I’m just a person on a journey of pain with the baggage of a spirit that’ll never give up. I think all of us are. Because deep down inside we know that the world can never have too much softness.
The following quote is an excerpt from Margery Williams’ children’s book, The Velveteen Rabbit. I probably read this every day, and try to think of it as the mantra of life:
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
How the hell does this all relate to your disappearance, f.c.?
Great question! Now that I’ve rambled on for long enough let me answer that. :p
Because I realized being more goal vs. relationship-oriented was my way of trying to become bulletproof. And to make matters worse, when I wasn’t busy being a workaholic in isolation I was putting my effort into the wrong relationships… but that’s another story.
Point is, I needed some time away to try and problem-solve my life. I still don’t have all the answers, but I’m trying to get better at asking for help. That’s always been very hard for me. Thanks Dad.
Anyway, I think that does it for this blog post. There’s a lot more I wanted to say, but WHAT THE HELL I thought this was a skincare blog….
._.
Hopefully I said something that resonated with you. I’ll leave everyone with a poem that I think epitomizes the journey of vulnerability.
Very warmly,
—f.c.
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101 Comments on "Why I’ve Been Missing And Face Reveal…."
Love this post, f. c.! I’ve been with your blog since close to the beginning and this is one of my favorites. Here’s to a life of living more authentically!
Thanks for sticking around, Georgeh! I appreciate you, and here’s a toast to authentic living!
I’ve been following your blog for a long time and it was essentially where I started my skincare journey. While this would perhaps have been even better for me to read around 2 years ago, it truly resonates now too as I try to break free of the process of “investing” more and more into my appearance to boost my self esteem. Social media has made things so complicated. Anyway, thank you for all your efforts!
Hi there, Aleena! Thank you for the comment. We live and we learn. I hope it gives you some comfort knowing we went through the same thing together.
Ooophm, social media. Indeed a very complicated subject matter. Just remember we are what we do, not what we broadcast.
What an eloquent and insightful post, f.c. It’s so easy to focus years of time, energy and resources into dealing/managing/correcting/perfecting skincare issues, without realizing the negative emotional and mental health toll it can take. Acne/skin problems can begin as early as 12 and 13 years of age, and persist for years. It’s only understandable that for many people, the social stigma of acne remaining constant throughout these formative years (and well into your 20’s and 30’s) could significantly alter/aggregate our own defense mechanisms (and thus impact our ability to live vulnerably). Thank you for this post, and all your other posts. Sharing is caring xo
Hi there, Chrystal! Ugh, this hit me right in my heart. I still feel inadequate when it comes to my physical appearance, and have often thought it’s limited me in real life. Yes, men can feel ugly too.
I simply had skin problems for so long, that it’s hard to separate the shame I felt then vs. the reflection in the mirror now. The poem “hands” by Nayyirah Waheed helps because I’d like to believe looks aren’t everything: “you keep putting your hands on my mind. it is the same thing as my body.”
Just over here crying at my desk, DON’T MIND ME! What a beautiful post F.C.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
I may have shed a tear with you, Christina.
Thank you for your comment!
I’m speechless. Thank you for this post.
Thank you so much, Patricia! I hope you have a lovely weekend.
You’re really such an inspiration, thank you for this lovely post. <3 And thank you for all the hard work, dedication, and love you've put forth on this blog! In a strange way, I'm GLAD my skin decided to revolt against me this past year because it led me here! I hope your journey towards living an honest and vulnerable life brings you joy and fulfilment — if you want to listen to a very smart person talk about living honestly, I'd highly recommend looking into Dr. Jordan Peterson
I also hope you bring us along on that journey so we can grow with you! Again, thank you. <3 This is truly one of my favorite blogs, even more so after this post~
Hey Kristina I feel the same way! It’s the reason I take pride in my scars. They were my ticket to life! And without them I wouldn’t be reading your beautiful comment today, so I’m glad your skin revolted too. :p
Of course I know who Jordan Peterson is!
Here’s my all-time favorite video of his. It’s about about how he and his wife make their marriage work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO93SAHrd1E
Thank you so much for this and for your entire blog. All of your readers are so blessed to have had your selflessness and knowledge shared with us.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Mitchell! I am blessed to have you guys and gals as well.
SO good! <3 !!!!!
Thank you, Alana!
All these words speak so loudly to me and I can think of at least two people close to me who would also find this post inspiring. I too find Brené Brown’s truth painful and difficult to swallow but absolutely undeniable. This has been a huge eye opener, to many things I already knew and some new things that I can’t believe have never occurred to me before. If you need to talk things out I’d be happy to help. Thank you for your words and I wish you the best of success in your journey.
Feel free to share it with them, J.B.! Yes! That woman is my hero, but I hate her too. :p Mostly love her though haha. I really appreciate you saying that. Thank you! I hope you know the same applies to you, I’m just an email away.
That’s very kind of you, thank you, I will try to remember (I too find it very hard to ask for help). I was way ahead of you and shared this with them straight away
I haven’t heard any feedback from either of them and I don’t expect to. They’re a strange breed of friends… Something I should probably focus on more.
Thank you so much for sharing this! Your work is amazing and I’ve been following since August. Really appreciate your message and the open hearted ness behind this post
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No problem, Tracy! Thank you for the nice words, I’m glad you enjoyed it. :-))
There are times and seasons in life. Chapters and sentences. Times for everything. Embrace it and enjoy.
There are indeed, Sandi! Thank you for your comment.
I’ve always tried to live my life in a vulnerable fashion, but recently I’ve been failing. Five years ago I became deeply attached to someone, but it never worked. Our relationship, for the most part, was a very slow, painful loss. I grieved for the longest time, but then it became too much to think about. Now all I do is distract myself with Reddit, product research, and studying. I’ve forgotten how going through those emotions is not only important, but healthy. Thank you for reminding me to not let myself become numb.
Hi there, Royuh. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve been there too. I hope you have the courage and strength to find your way back to yourself and vulnerability. “stay soft. it looks beautiful on you.”—Nayyirah Waheed
I know there’s nothing I can say to help, but I highly recommend Rupi Kaur’s newest book “The Sun and Her Flowers.” There’s an entire chapter in there about what it’s like to fall in love again after a devastating loss / turbulent relationship. I think it perfectly captures what healthy love looks like, and how it’s supposed to unfold. The entire book is both heartbreaking but healing at the same time.
Stay strong!
I’m crying. This world surely needs more people like you.
Wow definitely food for thought, especially this part:
In other words, do not “focus on yourself.” Focus on other people. “Serve those who serve others, and you will live a life of joy and fulfillment.”—Simon Sinek, Oliver Scholars Keynote Speech
Its tough to get the balance right, and I am guilty of swinging too much one way or the other in regards to focus.
I see the overemphasis on “focusing on yourself” as a kind of emotional isolation, rather than a physically observable one. Most counselors I’ve been to, and self help books I have read stress the importance of “put yourself first”, but that has not led to happiness. It is not in line with what I have found to be best, which is to love others just a bit more than we love ourselves, and like you said “give more than you take”.
So yes, this view is heretical, but something I always think about when trying to measure out how well truths hold up is this:
Wisdom is vindicated by its results. Simple.
I can assure anyone, through my experience, that there is more joy in giving than in receiving. The “balance” is not a perfect balance….it tilts a bit more to the love others side than the love yourself side. I’m 100% sure of it. Anyone can fight me on it
hehe
Lol I literally used to call my mom Rambo because she was so hard for so many years.
I did the Rambo mode thing today and it was one of the worst days of my entire life. Ramboism sucks dude.
I think its like a control tactic, but it turns everything and everyone into an opponent who may undermine our tenaciously held “independence” and leads to MORE stress…and rage.:(
I guess we are just all learning and growing and what better way to do so more efficiently than to share with others, so that we can in turn inspire them to share with us (if they are so willing). We will just keep getting better and better as time moves forward and apply values more readily as we solidify them through experience.
Honestly, being in contact with you made me less hard on myself. Making mistakes is ok! Pretty sure we all screw up every single day and it’s only with the right attitude that we learn from it (e.g. honest introspection and vulnerability vs. shitty things like numbing, lying, self-deception). The making of mistakes is not a choice; the learning is a choice!
Thanks f.c. for being bold and sharing your knowledge, and for directing me here. I’ve been humbled.
p.s. You sure know how to get a girl with a classic rick-roll. sly move
:p…and hello to your eye hhahah 
Yes, that is wrong on so many levels. The nature of a relationship is about the willingness to give and never expect anything in return. My favorite definition of love is, “giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting they won’t use it.” You can’t have a relationship based on expectation. That’s a transaction. You give to give, not to receive.
With that said, I understand there’s only so many times we can be taken for granted before it becomes a matter of self-respect and having to leave. I’ve been there, it hurts, and it’s not easy. We should never have to beg for anyone’s appreciation. Either have enough common sense to see my big heart when I’m there, or know loss the rest of your life when I’m gone.
Thank you for all your words, Brittany! I always love hearing what you and Crystal have to say. You two are some of the most mature and level-headed women I’ve ever met / been lucky enough to speak to in my life.
:’) <3
Ah I agree with all your wisdom above.
Dear Brittany,
Your joyous self always comes across so clearly when you write; it seems like you’re going through a spiritual and mental growth phase lately. The ‘wisdom is vindicated by its results’ ought be a t-shirt on its own. : )
This post by F.C. kind of took me by surprise, but then again…it didn’t. I went through some changes myself in the last decade, and I recognize that to publicly say something about it is a huge act of courage….and yes, giving with a cheerful heart is simply the best thing you can do in your life.
Of course, striking a *balance* of giving selflessly, but not allowing yourself to be overrun by those that are emotionally unavaialble, narcissists, energy vampires and just plain ol’ scammers, cons and grifters is the challenge of living an emotionally available and open, giving life. Unfortunately, many beings view any openess or expression of selflessness/kindness as a weakness to be exploited.
Your mom’s Rambo mode may have been her defense mechanism. We spend so much time protecting ourselves from losses that have already happened. Quite a draining experience, eh, Brittany?
I guess that’s why I spent time changing my own inner landscape after that fateful trip to Seoul. I stopped giving to the EU’s, energy vampires and cons in my life, and learned to give all over again, after I spent time restoring my own heart and soul. Giving to better causes and mindfully expressing positive outlooks did a lot for me. As stupidly trite as it reads, I hope someone else’s heart starts to feel hope by my actions.
So be encouraged, Brittany – you’re on the right road….and let’s keep encouraging F.C. to keep writing – who knows? Might be the next NYT bestseller, or it might be 50 shades of skincare science! We wait with bated breath.
Crystal Blue,
“Your joyous self always comes across so clearly when you write; it seems like you’re going through a spiritual and mental growth phase lately.”
Hurray! Thank you.:) Oh yes! I’ve been going through a lot of changes in my life and many self-revelations have been induced by the pain and intensity.
“Of course, striking a *balance* of giving selflessly, but not allowing yourself to be overrun by those that are emotionally unavaialble, narcissists, energy vampires and just plain ol’ scammers, cons and grifters is the challenge of living an emotionally available and open, giving life. Unfortunately, many beings view any openess or expression of selflessness/kindness as a weakness to be exploited.”
I was thinking of this but didn’t include it. You explain it perfectly and I’m glad you mentioned it. A guard can be useful every now and then because of those types. I think the key is just remembering to let it down again! I don’t like exposing my tender self TOO much around the wrong crowd anymore or I attract those icky predators and then end up getting too hurt/scared and wanting to hide(isolation -_-).
I always think of it like a turtle in the wild outdoors coming out of its shell completely and its so vulnerable to prey. Things try to eat it so it goes back into its shell and won’t even pop its head or legs out after that for a long time because it becomes too traumatized. Dumb analogy because turtles can’t even leave their shells hahahaha XD…but oh well. I guess it’s more of a cartoonish thing in my head.
Anyway, I now recognize the song and dance of narcissists etc. usually and won’t let them in, but some people are very trustworthy and get to see the naked, unguarded vulnerability:) Yay!
I like how you mention the EU’s because those can seem really nice at first but are insidious (probably without even meaning to be?) It’s so important to figure all of that out. That must’ve been a HUGE positive change for your mind and spirit.
Oh yes, that attitude was surely moms defense mechanism! It was the way she thought she had to be to survive, and she stayed that way long after the losses/trauma. Yeah it is very draining and I freak myself out when I’m like that. Just vying to counteract the anxiety of trauma brain in ineffective ways 0_o…until I eventually break down and cry, and then feel some relief.
Hey, when you strip it down, Mr. Rambo himself was really just a super buff guy with PTSD from the war! (*Britt hugs Rambo* “Shhhhh…the war is over”<3 *Mr. Stallone sobs*) lol
“As stupidly trite as it reads, I hope someone else’s heart starts to feel hope by my actions.”
That is a beautiful thing to hope for. I am sure you have given hope to more people than you think. You have often given me more hope through your words.
“50 shades of skincare science”
Hahahaha yes please! A wonderful writer indeed. May he branch off on whichever path brings him the most happiness in the very long term.
(Even though I thoroughly despise you f.c. :p)
Thank you for your encouragement<3 I'm always excited to get a comment from you:)
Oh god, I’m sorry but I just had to drop another comment about this because there are SO MANY PEOPLE that f*ck themselves over when it comes to this. I often think about what you said when we spoke that one day:
“Humanity can essentially be seen as little centipedes all chasing / eating shit, and there’s always a narcissist on top.”
It takes a lot of maturity and self-reflection to see the red flags early on when it’s most crucial. Research shows it only takes 3 to 5 dates for a person to think they are in love with a prospective partner, when in reality that’s pure infatuation. We can “fall in love” with just about anybody when we’re letting our primitive monkey brains guide us in the moment (stupid dopamine), but true long-lasting love doesn’t happen with just anyone and requires a lot more thoughtful consideration and space. “When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”—Wanda the Owl, BoJack Horseman
This is some of the best advice I’ve ever heard on scouting out potential narcissists / EUs / bad partners from researcher / professor Alexandra Redcay:
“The number one rule is, and I stand by this 100% — your friends and family MUST meet your prospective partner. If you feel uncomfortable and pressured by that and think, ‘omg they’re gonna think I’m crazy,’ maybe that’s a problem. You have to trust your community because they are wiser than us when we’re in the midst of falling for someone. And they have to meet them early (first 3 to 5 dates). Listen to your friends and family. They love you. They really do only want what’s best for you.”
I remember a “The Human Centipede” reference/analogy. NOT a movie I would recommend watching tho. So terrible!(not that I’ve seen it). Wait…O_o , knowing you, you will watch it now hahaha! (But DON’T! ew ew ew ew) DX lol.
So many narcissists end up getting what they want/being “successful”(rich, powerful etc.) because of the willing to exploit others, and some studies have shown that being very wealthy can breed self-aggrandizement tendencies. It’s a self perpetuating cycle. I always think that narcs/socios, especially the “successful” ones, must sleep very well at night because of their lack of sensitivity and compassion for humankind, but that they are not truly happy. Emptiness can feel like peace, but it is not true peace. I’m thinking of them as the empty-hearted, as opposed to the whole hearted and halfhearted. It’s like their hearts are sensory deprivation tanks; all that is inside is them. D’: Anyway….just another extemporaneous digression as usual.
REALLY good advice about introducing dates to the family. Also, it’s good to meet their family members and see how they treat them, because that is probably how they will treat you! I’m so happy that you have such a balanced view. (taking risks but also being judicious) :):):)
“True long-lasting love doesn’t happen with just anyone and requires a lot more thoughtful consideration and space.”
YEZZZZ!!!! It’s normal for a relationship to go through an “infatuation” phase and its good to be able to recognize that, take it slow, and remain as objective as possible. I wish I had known that years ago. Real love takes plenty of time to build. Omg I was thinking about that bojack horseman quote the other day!
lol I keep looking at the Rambo pic, Idk it makes me laugh really hard. WHAT IS VULNERABILITY. And the look on his face. lolololol
OMG THE VULNERABILITY SCENE——>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc2OvrpzjvM
Noooooooooooooo! D’X D’X D’X </3 </3 </3 Even Rambo can't always be in rambo mode. :'(<3
I’m crying!
WHY AM I CRYING?!?! Obviously, you touched a nerve…guess i need to examine some sore spots in my life. Also, I don’t like poetry. Most of it goes over my head. But I like the poems that you refrence and how they illustrate your points beautifully…and don’t make me feel dumb or confused after reading them. I’ve only been following you since November (& not for myself but to try and help my daughter) but I’m so glad i found you. Thanks for everything and take care. 
It’s okay, Cynthia! No one is immune to crying. It’s healthy, it’s necessary, it helps us grow and live better lives. You’re awesome for having your daughter’s back! Thank you for being a loving mother!
*Thwack* That was for not answering my email. Been worried sick about ya, you damnfoolyankee.
*HUG* That is for the most beautiful speech on being human I’ve read in years.
“Knowing love, I can allow all things to come and go, to be as supple as the wind and to face all things with great courage….My heart is a open as the sky…”
Love You,
Crystal
I deserve that thwack. I’m sorry Crystal! I promise I read your email and I’m so very thankful for it and you. The only reason I did not respond was because: (1) I was busy trying to get this blogpost finished and (2) my sister got into a car accident the day I received it (don’t worry she’s okay) and it was my dad’s birthday. Blah blah blah.
There really aren’t excuses, but I swear I was just waiting until I had the energy to give you a more thoughtful response. I didn’t mean to worry you!
I love you too!
:-))
I don’t comment a lot since I’m not very eloquent. But heck, this post hits home… I wanted to at least say thank you for sharing it.
I’ll be thinking of this post a lot.
It doesn’t matter, Crystal! There’s enough eloquence in you just by coming here to leave a comment. Thank you! I really appreciate your feedback.
loved this post (and most of all, all the beautiful poetry) so much. thanks for *not* being just a skin blogger f.c.!!
Yay for being a “somewhat skincare blogger” hahah! I’m really glad you enjoyed it, Brittany! :-)) I love poetry!
Thank you F.C. for this gorgeous, vulnerable post. I’ve been a follower of yours for a pretty long time because I find your posts much more honest, approachable, and authentic than many others out there talking about skincare. Thank you for putting yourself out there and setting such a good example for others to live more authentically and vulnerably. <3
In my recent quest to be more authentic and open to vulnerability (spurred by the amazing Brené Brown, of course), I've taken a few steps to simplify my skincare routine by focusing on my skin's overall health rather than solely its appearance. This means not nuking my face with BP and tea tree oil every time I have a breakout, and limiting comparing myself to others (ska is a minefield for someone like me). It's all thanks to advice from you! You have not only given me the tools to work on "bettering" my skin, but the tools to appreciate the skin I'm in. I cannot thank you enough for all that you do.
Thank you so much, Mikayla! I really appreciate your kind words and the fact that you have stuck around for so long. I’m happy to hear you’re going to treat you skin more kindly.
I probably sound like a broken record by now, but like I always say…. just imagine your face is a baby’s bottom and treat it accordingly. Heh heh :p
This was beautiful. :] <3
Thank you so much!
I wept reading this. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I’m a first time commenter but longtime reader. I so appreciate the oasis of truth you’ve created in what sometimes feels like an endless wasteland of skincare lies.
And I appreciate you for the kind words and feedback. Thank you, Lauren!
Crying is a beautiful thing when we let it be.
Awesome post!! I really enjoyed it. Thank you !
No problem, Nicole! Thank you for your comment. :-))
Wow! I *just* dicovered your blog! Literally – today! I got here over reddit scincareaddiction to your post about fungal acne (this is such a good post!). And then while going through you blog I discovered this post made by you only two days ago.. it resonates with me very much. I also love Rene Brown. I found her about a year ago during a hard transition time in my life. So …what did I wanted to say? Thank you for beeing out there in the world unknown stranger with the great skin care blog. I appreciate it even more knowing that it is made by someone that cares on such a deep level!
Thank you so much, Maragann! Welcome to the club haha!
We’re glad to have you onboard. I’m happy to hear you’re a fan of Brene Brown as well. :-)) Hope you have a great week!
Amazing post! thanks you so much for taking the time to share with us your thoughts, wise knowledge and journey. Pretty sure I am not the only reader who missed your incredibles articles full of humour, poetry and of course skincare tips.
This article sums up well what I’ve been going through for more than a year. I still do not have the answer to most issues but remain hopeful: working hard to change progressively.
Wishing you lots of happiness and peace of mind.
Hi there, Maha! Thank you for the kind words.
None of us have all the answers, which is even more reason we gotta allow others into the process. Cooperation / frienship makes creativity bloom.
Wow. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It is so healing to be vulnerable with ourselves, with our Maker, with others. I am learning some of these things too. Thank you for sharing your journey. And your writing is so good. You say things clearly and in a conversational way. I really like your writing voice. I appreciate your blog and your ideas so much. Thank you and Bless you!
No problem, DD! I’m glad you enjoy the content around here, and I hope you have a lovely week!
Thank you so much for sharing these words and your journey. I relate so much. I’m sitting at work crying, it was supposed to be just a post to relax a little. I was not expecting this, but I needed it so much. I wish you strength for your journey, growing is painful.
No problem, Carolina! Sorry this post was an unexpected emotional one :/ but I hope it was everything you needed.
That’s how you know you’re on the right path. We’ll get there soon.
Such a beautiful post! I’ve just stumbled on your blog last night after weeks of surfing the net trying to get accurate and helpful info about acne and treatment for my teenage daughter. I’m so thankful to have found your site and I’m literally reading every article you posted. I found myself grinning ear to ear from reading your post because you have such a witty humor and charming personality. Thanks for sharing your experience and being genuinely kind.
No problem, Thuy! I’m glad you found the site too, and I’m grateful for your kind words. Now go give your daughter a hug even if it annoys her haha.
Thank you so much for this. This was kind of a wakeup call/kick in the pants for me. I transferred to my current university and have been having trouble socially. Well, okay. I have never been that great socially but it seems pretty exacerbated now. Turns out, I have been doing at least 5 out of the 9 things to avoid being vulnerable and I just never realized it or could put what I was doing in words. Thanks for being real with us and being eloquent for those like me who have a hard time expressing what they feel. <3
Hi there, Sabrina! I’m glad this post was a wake-up call for you. I hope you find wonderful friends and love in the relationships you choose to grace your vulnerability with.
No problem. I’ve just been lucky enough to be a loner and think hard / honestly about things most people do not want to.
“How come no-one told me
All throughout history
The loneliest people
Were the ones who always spoke the truth.”—Misread, Kings of Convenience
I stumbled onto your blog a few months back and lurked around to get answers for my scarred face from a bunch of acne, and during a specially stressful bout of psoriasis like symptoms on my cheeks(thank you over exfoliation! Tretinoin+clindamycin+Trader Joe’s face scrub). Thanks to you, I bought my first Vit C(The Ordinary).
And now, this post! Coming at a time when I have been feeling miserable with myself. I am focusing way too much on the goal, rather than on the process(maybe a cultural thing, I am Indian living in the US for the last 8 years). But, yeah…. I feel ya….
Hi there, princess butter! :p Yes! It’s all about being process vs. goal-oriented. You’re living in now, you’ve always lived in the now, and you’ll keep living in the now so enjoy it NOW!
i wrote a poem after reading this and i thought you might like to read it
nothing is more unpleasant
than the sleepless brain at night
nostalgia is a liar
that makes you pine over people
you thought you needed to survive
humans see the sky as blue
in reality it’s colored black
the earth is spherical
but was once thought of as flat
there are many things we think we know
but as you grow you’ll find
the things we think that matter
aren’t really worth your piece of mind
i love your mentality. and this post.
thanks 4 sharing again f.c. i never take your work for granted.
Thanks for the wonderful post, it came at a relevant time in my life.
No problem, Paloma! I’m glad you found it when it was needed.
Those quotes hit home…. The Velveteen Rabbit is up there with among the greatest. (I read the quote in my head in the voice of the reader who narrated the book on tape I had.) I definitely felt disillusioned with the onset of adulthood and loss of simplicity my younger years had. I do spend too much time particularly on youtube, vloggers adding to some of my (heavily introverted) social life. People are now too far or too busy or too different or too good for me. Always the excuse. When I find a few of people who do what I like to do, it means I sometimes have to forgo makeup (hiking, travel), and them not caring what my skin looks like is just one reason to keep them around. (And really, my skin is actually probably fine!) Thanks for a great post as always!
No problem, Mikaela! Hey I get you about the hiking thing haha! I still feel a little shy about hanging out with people during the day, which is one reason I’ve always thought the night was more magical.
Thank you so much for sharing!!!! First of all that corner of your face is a very beautiful one!! Thank you for the realness you shared, I subscribed to you because you’ve given me more information than any doctor ever has on how to overcome malesezzia and all of the hard work you put into helping others seriously means so so much. A lot that you shared really hits home and it’s nice to address internal issues sometimes instead of getting so caught up in what’s on the outside. Masks by shel Silverstein was my favorite poem as a socially anxious and lonely kid and seeing that you put it in your post made my heart happy!! Just wanted to thank you for all you do and I pray you see the beauty in yourself inside and out.
<3 Bri
Haha thank you, Brianna! I appreciate the compliment. I’m happy that I could help a little bit.
YAY Shel Silverstein! I love that poem too heh heh. Thank you, thank you! 
I love your blog but I know you don’t owe us your time. Thank you for writing this and everything else that you’ve shared. I hope everything works out for you <3
No problem, Jennifer! Everyone makes the time for the things they care about, and people matter a whole lot. Thank you, I’ve been feeling really great lately, like my soul is recharged or somethin’ heh heh :p
I only discovered your blog in the past few months but I have read every post (some multiple times). You helped me cure my husband’s dandruff of over 10 years! I struggle with acne and am so scared of trying new products. But the care and thoroughness of your review have led me to product that actually made my skin better (benton, vanicream, MCT oil, cerave). I am so glad you are wriing again, you have helped me so much! I’m unbelievably grateful you are willing to share your knowledge and put so much time, effort, and care into your posts. Thank you.
So awesome! Thank you for being a wonderful wife to your husband and helping him out like that. I’m sure he appreciates you a lot haha.
No problem, Rebecca! I appreciate your feedback. Thank you for your comment! 
Hi f.c.!
First and foremost, I want to thank you for this blog. I discovered it last summer, when my skin suddenly developed a bunch of problems due to an unhealthy mix of chronic stress, negligence and poor skincare choices. You helped me understand what was happening to my skin, and troubleshoot solutions. My skin and I are in a pretty good place right now, and I can safely say that your wise words on hydration, actives and babying your stratum corneum (my new moto) have made a lasting difference.
I love this post, and I relate to it immensely. Workaholic and perfectionist here. I have been very goal-oriented for years, and in certain ways it helped bring me where I am now, but going through a rough patch recently made me rethink my priorities; because academic success isn’t enough on its own for my life to be complete. Over the last few months, I worked on being myself more, opening more, spending more time with those who count, and worrying as little as possible about how that might get me hurt. It’s brought me way more happiness than hurt so far.
Thank you so much for sharing with us, and I wish you the best of luck for what comes next!
Yay! I’m so happy to read this comment. Yes, being vulnerable and radically honest isn’t always easy. It’ll probably kick the crap out of you a couple times, but I promise you one thing: it is ALWAYS worth it in the end.
Every good thing that ever happened to me was because I chose to be vulnerable, and every bad thing that ever happened to me was because I wasn’t being vulnerable ENOUGH! Cheers!
I wrote a poem. It is inspired by your mentioning of vulnerability and being real/uncool. I love every poem you posted and the entire article! Thank you so much for sharing.<3 I'm not the best poet but here it is anyway.
Rich vastness
Within our deepest realm
Screams to be released
From chains
We fashioned, while in fear
Beating doors to the ground
Broken, shattered
Scattered, weary
Fervent, fierce
Sweat on our brows
Cutting shackles we wrought
Risking moments of steadiness
For tremulous ones
Of tenderness
I love it! I actually got goosebumps at the last line because it reminded me of my instagram bio “just a tender soul,” which is in reference to the Modern Lover’s song “Plea For Tenderness.” Haha
Thank you for sharing, Mimi!
No problem<3 By the way that is an awesome song!!
This reminds me of something I wrote in my journal a year ago: “the key to potential happiness, and certain sadness, is vulnerability. Appreciate your friends– how privileged you feel to know them; and how thankful you are that they have given you the courage to be yourself. Harness that courage and give it to others liberally; don’t hold back, and you know that some people will think that you’re strange, but the rare people that understand will accept you with arms wide open, because they know that life is more valuable when we can be true to ourselves. Many people have convinced themselves that they’re distant and unfeeling, untouched by human connection, but there’s no strength or merit in being cold. Vulnerability all the way, retain your warmth in this crazy world, and keep giving”.
The people that matter and that share your view will always gravitate towards you, and along the way you are unconsciously giving courage to those who have disguised themselves as cold, and someday an incident, a moment or a spark or something might penetrate through their icy walls, and they will understand the importance & the freedom of being transparent & breakable. But also, I’ve told myself not to spend too much time with those people who are cold & unbreakable, bc sometimes people are just a*sholes and probably always will be.
I only found your blog a few months ago, and the value of it has been truly indispensable to me. I only wish that I could have found it sooner, as my battle with seb derm cost me a lot of heartache and time and a collection of unused products, because I had no idea what was making my skin so upset. But my skin has improved (not perfect, but I don’t expect it to be), and I think the way that I talk to my skin has been a bit more.. selective. Less: “Why me? Why is nothing working? Why do I gotta suffer through this on top of everything else? Why does everything have shea butter in it that makes my sebderm so annoyed?!?!” and looking at it more rationally: “You’re doing way better than you were a year ago, and you know more than you did 6 months ago, and your skin looks just fine. Stop punishing yourself for not achieving an unattainable goal of perfection. It doesn’t exist.”
So yeah, thank you so much for everything. I love these blogposts. You’re very informative & coherent, which has really helped me to understand my condition, and I really enjoy your small, funny personal anecdotes coming through. And then of course these blogposts with such insightful thoughts. I really appreciate everything. Thank you so much for it all
OMG I F*CKING LOVE THIS COMMENT! So much so I even screenshot it and sent it to a friend today :p Man, can we be friends in real life haha? I need more people like you in my real life cause you just get it. Thank you for sharing, Dervla! You are a wonderful soul and people like you inspire the sh*t out of me.
Ahhh omg! I just screenshotted your comment about you screenshotting my comment (Lol) so that in my darkest times I can look at it and be like “well, F.C., the mythical legend and skincare genius; once screenshotted my comment and sent it to a friend! Life isn’t entirely futile!”. I would be so privileged to be your friend! And thank you so much. You inspire me a lot, so it’s sort of a reciprocal arrangement, but I can assure you that you inspire me much more. Your spirit (I sound so… metaphysical lmao) translates so well even through screen, and you just seem to be a very kind, warm, giving person. You’re like the Heart of Gold that Neil Young was always singing about haha.
Oh, and have you ever heard of the book “Reasons to Stay Alive” by Matt Haig? The title always sounds morbid when I recommend it to people (I bought it for a friend of mine for her birthday and she was like – “eh? what you trying to say?”) but it helps me out when transversing in the whirlwind of perfectionism & consumerism we see everywhere. And Matt’s twitter has various tidbits of reassurance: “Don’t feel you have to achieve more just to be accepted. Be happy with your own self, minus upgrades. Stop dreaming of imaginary goals and finishing lines. Accept what marketing doesn’t want you to: you are fine. You lack nothing.” Sometimes it’s just a few simple words, reminding me of what’s important, that make me feel better.
Wow, you’re teaching so much more than skincare. And for that I thank you :’)
Please please please please please make a post about Keratosis Pilaris. Please. I’m desperate. I’ve had it for 10 years on almost my whole body and nothing has helped. No diet change, no skincare, nothing. Well hydrating and AHA/BHAs have helped reduce it a tiny bit, aka slightly smaller bumps, but the bumps are still there and they’re still red and angry and very, very obvious. And I most definitely still don’t intend to wear short sleeves in the summer. And unfortunately I just don’t even have the funds to slather the entirety of my arms and shoulders and face and legs and bum in hydroxy acids every day. Please help me.
PS also this post was absolutely lovely.
fucking rr got me
I’ve been reading (and recommending) your site for a long time now, because its smart, science based, sweet and funny.
Your kind heart, humor and deep intelligence come through in all of your posts, which are thoughtful, informative and highly enjoyable. Keep on being you, fc. You rock, and who you are, the true you, is worthwhile, is wonderful.
Lookit your cute face and heartfelt, thoughtful words! The vulnerability renaissance is a B I G trip and worth the ride.
new to your blog and it’s quickly become a fave!
all the best to you xx
Why do I feel like you and Brene would be friends in real life?
Good for you for taking a break. That’s a huge self-care move for someone who is a doer.
I’m another reader whose life was SAVED by your fungal acne article. I’ve had so many “holy sh*t” moments since reading it. Yeast is the cause of all my life’s problems!
Except the problems caused by out-running and overdoing. But who has time for those?
For real though. Your articles are super honest and perfectly informative while staying relatable. I’m so happy to have come across them. Thank you.
What a terrific post! Brene Brown has made an amazing difference in how I see myself and others (as has Thic Nhat Hanh).
One thing I’ve found is that I’m spending compulsively on makeup and skincare, it’s usually because I’m somehow under the impression that this will somehow make my life perfect, if only my skin/lips/eyeliner are PERFECT. When usually it’s a sign that I’m unhappy about something far deeper down.
Wow. Thanks for creating such a beautiful, honest space. Your blog is absolutely one of a kind and is making such a difference. Thanks for being so willing to share. Xoxo
I appreciate your blog so much. It’s been insanely helpful with my acne. I was wondering if you could answer a quick question for me. I use both the De La Cruz sulfur ointment and Stridex in the red box. What is the order in which I should be using them? Which one first? Should I alternate them different days? Thank you im advance for all the time and effort you put into helping all of us!
Hi FC! You are absolutely amazing. I found your blog yesterday and have already learned so much from you even though I’ve been a skincare addict/nerd for a while now. Also, you are hilarious.
I found this comment you posted a few months ago in response to a reader’s comment.
“Anyway…. kind of ranting here. But just want to say one last thing. The ONLY reason I have not completely stripped my routine at this point is twofold:
(1) I still have atrophic acne scars from long ago I’m dead set on eliminating without surgery. This cannot be solved without intense treatments, so minimalism isn’t an option.”
Which leads me to this question (well, a couple questions.) I’ve always been told that you can’t treat atrophic acne scars at home with topical products (with the exception of things like TCA peels, which shouldn’t be done at home anyway, and adapalene ((small improvement shown in studies.)) I know microneedling is said to work, but I’m scared to try it (I’ve read some horror story.)
On to the questions – firstly, can you make a blog about atrophic acne scars and how they can be treated? Secondly, do you think there are things to be done in an at home setting to improve atrophic acne scars?
I should add that I’ve been using 0.1% tretinoin for a couple years, and I think it has helped with my acne scars, but only slightly.
Thank you so much, and like I said, you’re amazing. I would love to become a patreon.
You made me realise the reason why I’m so desperate to fix my skin; because I don’t want the person I care about the most to see me like this. Also made me realise that if I see him again he wouldn’t give a damn anyway. That was me trying to look perfect when I don’t need to be perfect.
Also made me realise that I’ve been so driven by trying to disprove my abusive ex husband. To show that he was wrong when he called me disgusting. I know I’m not disgusting and I don’t need to prove s**t.
And I used to be the person that found so much happiness in giving to others. Recently I’ve been trying to look after myself FIRST in order to “fix” myself and all the damage my ex has done. Maybe looking after those around me will be a much more effective way to “repair” myself and get back to being ME again..
I have been totally numb with pain lately trying to get through all the s**t that I’m left with.. the conditioned behaviour left over from the abuse, divorce, trying to get a good education for mine and my kids future (I can barely concentrate on my studies even though I know have the potential), getting a job, getting NORMAL again.
THANK YOU for helping me to understand some vital things that I was struggling to figure out and for making me feel a little less numb. You really are so insightful. I will come back to read this post again and again when I’m having a bad day because it has and will help me so much.
Thank you for all the valuable and accurate information you’ve shared here–what you do is remarkable. Your reviews are thoughtful, comprehensive, and informative, and made for a beautiful discovery on a random, gloomy Tuesday morning. I am a scientist in human biology and it is truly delightful to see the wealth of evidence-based information you’ve put out into the world–you’ve enlightened me and made my day.