Family Guy Transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

And now back to Old People Agree With Arnold Palmer.

Tomato soup, grilled cheese, and a weak cup of tea... is the best lunch in my book.

He's right.

I enjoy things I remember.

Peter, I'm off to my book club.

Don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting.

Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high?

Not anymore. I crashed hours ago.

By the way, we're out of chips, cookies, and Funny Bones.

Now, I'm going to my book club and you are going to the meeting.

Hey, Brian, how about you go to that meeting for me, huh?

Yeah. I don't think so.

Oh, come on, buddy. You owe me.

You remember what I did for you last week?

Sighing softly to the river Comes the loving breeze Setting nature all aquiver Rustling through the trees Through the trees! all right. I'll go.

Quagmire, what are you doing here? You don't have kids.

Don't be so sure, Brian. I've slept with chicks all over the world.

Who knows, I could have kids in their 20s.

What are you doing here?

I got roped into this by Peter.

Wow, that's a lovely color.

Your dress is... The color of your dress is...

I like... You're very pretty.

Oh, thank you.

I'm the 11th grade history teacher, Miss Parks.

Oh! Like Rosa Parks.

Or, you know, or someone white named Parks.

Nothing cuter than a nervous white dog.

Well, I'm Brian and... gosh, if I'm not being too forward, it's lovely to meet you, Miss Parks.

Oh, please. Call me Shauna.

Shauna! Shauna!

So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at The Clam?

Sorry, Peter. I can't make it tonight. I have a date.

Dad!

You were supposed to drive tonight. What am I supposed to do?

If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first... because I am very self-conscious about my driving.

Oh, you've got a date! What's his name?

Do you see that? Do you see what I did?

I made it seem as though you were a homosexual.

That's funny to me.

How exciting, Brian. So who's the lucky lady?

Well, actually, her name is Shauna Parks.

Meg's teacher?

Yeah, we really hit it off. She's great.

Brian on a date.

That'll be more pathetic than that game of Marco Polo I played with Helen Keller.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

I don't know. I mean, I think I want to have kids someday.

Oh, I love kids. I just love them.

I can't get enough of those little buggers, let me tell you.

You know, it's like I tell the other volunteers down at the adoption center: My God, you know, if I could just take all the orphans in the world... and just, you know, buy a farm somewhere... and let them all run free, you know.

Just let them do little macaroni-art pictures of their dead parents.

So what's it like to work at a high school?

Oh, Brian, I just love it.

Working at James Woods High is great.

You know, I've always wondered why they named if after James Woods, you know?

I mean, there's got to be somebody more deserving.

Like, just, you know, off the top of my head, I don't know...

Sidney Poitier, Reggie Jackson, Martin Luther King...

You know, those are just three names that come to mind.

Brian, that's a great idea.

We should get them to rename the school after Dr. King.

You like Dr. King? Because I love Dr. King. I love... M.L.K!

Man, he's my guy.

He's... I mean, I love all black people, you know.

I mean, if I could take all the black people in the world... and just, you know, just buy a farm somewhere and let them all...

Whoa, you know what, that actually didn't really come out right.

Brian, relax. I'm having a great time. You don't have to try so hard.

Great. Great. 'Cause, you know, I'm not okay with slavery. Just so we're clear.

I mean, if I was offered a slave, I'd say no.

By the way, Bonnie... we just finished reading The Da Vinci Code at my book club.

You were right. It's terrific.

Let me guess. Some flowery, 300-page, menopausal masturbatory aid.

I loved it.

And the chapters are only about two pages long.

So you feel really smart when you read it.

Take it outside, Lois.

Good night, sweetie.

Oh, yes. Just as I thought: France, art... murder?

Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.

Hey, Stewie. Peekaboo!

Yes, I see you, fat man.

Where's Daddy?

Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible.

I can hear you, but I can't see...

Well, he must really be gone!

Peekaboo!

How the hell did you do that?

I thought you'd disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my...

Great, leave when I'm in the middle of a sentence.

Hey, there you are, Brian. We're all set for tonight, right?

Oh, tonight's no good, Peter. I have another date with Shauna.

Oh, come on. Again?

Well, fine, Brian. If that girl is more important to you than me... then I guess I'll have to find a new best pal.

Boy, Barney, it's sure been great hanging out with you.

I've enjoyed it, too, Peter.

Hey, you almost done in the john? 'Cause we're late for darts. all done, Peter.

You think you have a crap job.

I don't need Brian to watch TV with. I got you, Meg.

Hey, what's that? What's that? Is that a dog?

Is that another dog on the TV, huh?

You see that? Go get it. Go get it.

What's that? Who's that? Who's that?

Oh! Who's that?

Who's there? Is there somebody at the door?

Somebody at the door? Huh?

Somebody at the door? What are you gonna do about it?

What are you gonna do about it?

What are you...

I'm not a dog, you fat b*st*rd!

Wow, Stewie, you're up early.

I'm up still. I've been reading all night.

Hang on, Lois. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Well, I loved this book.

Nothing like a good story to recharge your batteries.

Hey, everybody, check this out.

This is wonderful. Look at this, Peter.

"Two hundred die in train derallment. "

Oh, God, Lois. That is just morbidly obese.

No, no, Peter. Right here.

I mentioned to Shauna that they ought to change the name of James Woods High... to Martin Luther King, Jr., and she really ran with it.

The school board is voting on it tomorrow.

Congratulations, Brian.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait.

You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school?

Well, yes. For Martin Luther King.

That's crazy.

You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999?

No, that's Martin Landau.

Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh?

That's Martin Lawrence.

The drunk crooner?

That's Dean Martin.

The drink that's best served on the rocks?

Martini & Rossi.

The guy on The West Wing?

Martin Sheen.

The guy from Platoon?

Charlie Sheen.

No, no, the other guy from Platoon.

It's...

Come on.

Willem Dafoe.

No, it's Tom Berenger. We were looking for Tom Berenger.

Well, thanks for playing. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

Oh, that's okay. I had a lot of fun. I'm a big fan of the show.

Wait a minute!

Peter, Martin Luther King was an inspiration to an entire generation.

He was a driving force behind the civil rights movement.

Lois, we're talking about Rhode lsland's own James Woods here.

He's a hero in these parts, huh? Use your head.

Peter, you're acting like an idiot.

Oh, yeah? I don't like the way you've been acting lately.

I think it has a lot to do with that woman... you've been spending so much time with.

Why don't you just mind your own damn business, Peter?

Will you guys stop fighting, please?

What's wrong with Meg?

Oh, nothing. It's just her time of the month.

Not again.

Well, Mr. Griffin, your arguments for the school's name change... are quite compelling.

Brian, I think you did it.

Oh, amen.

By the way, I just want to remind everybody... to put their e-mall address on the list in the back there... so we can send you our quarterly newsletter.

It's chock-full of goings-on around the school. It's got a word jumble.

A little hint: all the answers have to do with something here at the school.

Yes, I'm sure we're all looking forward to that.

Now, unless there is any objection, I move that the board pass this measure.

I've got an objection, and so does this man.

James Woods!

Oh, my God.

I don't believe it.

Hi. How are you? Hello, everyone.

He brought James Woods here? What the hell is he doing?

Believe me, Peter does stupid things all the time.

That's why he got fired from that airline.

Coffee for you, Capt. Griffin?

Thank you, stewardess.

Hey, where are we right now?

On an airplane?

No. This room. What is this room called?

The flight deck?

No.

Control room?

No.

Cockpit?

Oh, God! I told you I'd get her to say it.

Oh, God! all right. Go on. Get out of here.

Look, I came as soon as Peter contacted my website.

Let me just say, I'm all in favor of renaming the school after Dr. King.

What?

Wow!

A big star and yet so humble.

James Woods High School it remains.

What?

You can't be serious.

Yes! This is more exciting than that time I got to ride the washing machine.

Man, what a great lunch, Lois. Thank you so much for having me over.

Well, it's not often we get to meet celebrities.

Yeah, except when I was Christina Aguilera's manager.

Okay, let me just go ahead and stop you right there. You sound terrible, all right?

You're doing this thing, which is just, you know... What the hell is that?

And you look like if I touched you, you'd be sticky... and frankly, you smell bad.

You're pretty much offensive to all five senses.

That's only four.

Well, actually, you know when you smell something and it gets stuck in there... and you can sort of taste it?

Yeah. Well, I'm tasting you right now and it tastes awful.

Truly disgusting, like salty garbage.

Yeah, I totally taste it.

Oh, Brian, there you are. Look who's here for lunch.

Hello, Mr. Woods. Peter tells me you're in films.

Peter, can I talk to you in the living room?

I can't believe you went to that much effort just to sabotage me.

You're a jerk, you know that?

Listen, at least I wasn't trying to change the name of the school... to impress my girlfriend.

Now that is not true.

Oh, yeah? Then why did you pick Martin Luther King?

Why not Ronald Reagan?

He was always fun, especially in his later years.

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

Tear it down.

Reagan smash. Reagan smash.

What's that?

Oh, it's just Reagan. Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out.

Reagan sleepy.

You're an ass, you know that?

You're just jealous because I'm hanging around with someone else.

Hey, I don't care, man. Girls are stupid anyway.

Well, fine. Then maybe I'll go see her right now.

Fine! I'll just hang out with James Woods.

Well, Peter, thanks for lunch.

Guess I'll be heading back to old L.A. now.

You're leaving?

Oh, man, I thought maybe you could stick around... and, you know, maybe you and me could be pals.

You mean just hang around like regular people.

Regular people, sure, yeah.

That does sound appeallng.

You know what? I'm gonna check back into my hotel.

Oh, screw that. You'll stay with me right here.

Come on, we'll have a campout in the yard.

Wicked cool.

His sweater was neatly folded on the grave... so we went back to the car... and the severed hook was hanging from the door handle... because the calls were coming from inside the house.

That's a scary story, Peter.

It's almost as scary as... boo!

Boy, James Woods, you're the best friend a guy could ever have.

I feel the same way about you, Peter.

Someone to care for To be there for I have James Woods Someone to do for Muddle through for You have James Woods Someone to share joy Or despair with Whichever betides you Life becomes a chore Unless you're living for Someone to tend to Be a friend to I have James Woods Someone to strive for Do or die for You have James Woods It's true We two Have a likewise point of view 'Cause James Woods has you And I have James Woods too Shauna?

Brian, over here.

I couldn't save your seat.

I know I'm late, I apologize.

Hello, fellow moviegoer.

Sorry, I couldn't get him to move.

Where have you been?

I just had it out with Peter.

Would you like some corn? I brought it from home.

Peter? You're still not friends with that idiot after what he did?

Well, I mean, that may be a little harsh.

I'm not going to avoid Peter like the drunk chick at a party.

I just smoked the wrong side of a cigarette!

Who wants to go swimming?

This song is about me!

Look, Brian, Peter is a jerk.

And as far as I'm concerned, it's either him or me.

Shauna, come on, why you want to play a brother like that?

I think I have my answer.

You know what? I will have some of that.

What the hell is this?

Creamed corn.

I brought it from home, because I don't like the creamed corn they have here.

It's too crunchy.

Peter, I'm sorry, I was a jerk. Let's be friends again. Okay.

Peter, can I talk to you for a second?

What is it, Brian?

Listen, I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us... and I figure, I don't know, I thought maybe we could be friends again, huh?

What do you say? I kind of miss sleeping at the foot of your bed.

I don't think so.

Come on, can't we just go...

I tried to tell you.

This is my spot now, Brian.

Oh. I see.

Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look. He's dreaming he's running.

Okay, James, you ready? Now catch it in your mouth like Brian.

James, you got to bite down.

I got a question, Peter.

Motivation. What is my motivation?

Just throw it back to me.

You know what? This is boring. I got a better idea.

James, do we really have to watch Videodrome?

Yeah, I think you're really going to appreciate... all the subtle nuances in my performance.

See? For example, see how even though this other guy is talking... your eye is drawn to me.

Yeah, that's neat.

Is there going to be any nudity?

Yes, I get naked.

You know, it's bad enough that Peter and I were fighting... but ever since he met James Woods, it's like I don't even exist.

Do you really care about a man who used to try and pick up girls... at the Miss USA Pageant?

Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter. You want to go out sometime?

Maybe you got a Saturday night free...

You know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell.

I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers, maybe we could...

Fine. You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you.

Hey, how are you? I'm Peter.

I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it.

Maybe the two of us could...

You know what? I don't care. You're a bitch.

Brian, I know you're upset now, but if there's anything I've learned in this life... is that you can't let the little things...

Hey! Hey!

Where's my money? Don't you walk out on me!

Hey.

Hey.

So where's your good buddy, James Woods?

Turns out he wasn't very good at catching stuff with his mouth.

Where's your girlfriend?

Same problem.

James, what are you doing here?

What's going on?

Hello, Peter.

Would you like some cold roast beef?

What do you mean?

I don't know, Peter, I had this crazy idea... that you and I were supposed to have dinner tonight.

But I guess you had other plans, huh?

Brian and I were just at The Clam.

Oh, that's fun. That sounds like you had a fun time.

And where would I fit in with the fun time?

Where does James Woods fit into the fun, you...?

Look, James, you're acting kind of weird.

I'll act however I want to act, you son of a bitch!

I'm sorry, Peter, I didn't mean that.

Boy, I haven't been this creeped out since I saw that episode of Star Trek.

Number One.

Yes, Captain.

Let me ask you something.

If I whispered in your ear that Commander Worf's head... looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh?

Yeah, I could get in on that. all right!

Here it comes!

Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny!

You can both suck my ridges.

Get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis.

Boy, I tell you, Brian, James Woods has been getting kind of obsessive... ever since you and me started hanging out again.

How are you going to handle that?

We got to come up with some crazy scheme like the kids on That '70s Show.

And I think I got it. all right, that's the last of the Reese's Pieces.

Good. Now we wait.

Peter? A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

A piece of candy!

Man, I hope that's James Woods.

'Cause if it's me under there again, I'm gonna be really pissed off.

It's good to have you back in that spot, Brian.

It's good to be back, Peter.

By the way, what did you end up doing with James Woods?

Don't worry, Brian. He's being examined by top men.

Who?

Top men.