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Abort or Keep? (self.TwoXChromosomes)

sporksmakemyday が 投稿

This is difficult for me to wrap my mind around and I am so torn on this decision. Some background...My husband and I have been married for a little over a month but have been a couple for 7 years. We both have good jobs, make good money, and are intending to buy a house in the next few months. I am approaching 30 and he is in his early 30s. Financially we are in a pretty good place. We have always had to rule that no babies until we were married and had a house. In anticipation of these things, I went off my birth control in early June expecting I would be like the average woman and it would take a couple months to get pregnant. Since we weren't quite ready though, I bought a big box of condoms for DH and also tracked my fertility using the Clearblue Fertility Monitor so as to avoid peak days. DH decided he didn't want to wear the condoms. Low and behold, we are pregnant for which he wants to blame me despite my warning him that he should put on the condom. He knew it was a possibility I could get pregnant, he didn't wear the condom anyway because he "doesn't like the way they feel". I want to be happy about the pregnancy, DH wants an abortion. Why? Because we don't have the house yet and we live in a two bedroom (albeit fairly spacious) apartment. He wants me to abort so that we can try again in a few months when we have a house. This, to me, is not a reason. Yes, it will be a busy 8 months, yes it may be a little more stressful than we planned. I'm torn because he's irked with me that I didn't immediately jump on board to abort. I'm irked because we were both irresponsible which led to the pregnancy but we are in a good place otherwise. I'm pissed because this is my HUSBAND and we were planning this for the very near future anyway. He is barely talking to my right now, won't touch me, won't talk about the pregnancy (acts upset when I bring any small thing about it up) and acting like this isn't happening. I'm pissed at his immaturity (he is an avid video gamer and I know part of this will be the loss of his freedom.) Part of me wants to scream at him for his insensitivity and part of me just wants to cry all the time. Please help. We have always had a fantastic relationship but I am worried that unless I follow his wants I will throw a wrench in our relationship and do irreparable harm. What if I feel different about him after I abort? What if we are unable to get pregnant after this? What if this makes me depressed? What if I can't look at him the same way? What do I say to him? I want to be fair to his point of view and his desires but it is so difficult when it comes to a baby that I want. While a surprise, it is a happy one for me. (note: I am pro-choice and not opposed to the abortion on moral grounds. It is more that I am ready for this step in my life, I want this baby, and I am hurt that my husband is asking for the abortion rather than seeing this baby as a keeper. At 32, I am struggling to understand why he is acting like a teenager.)

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[–]eleochariss 122 ポイント123 ポイント  (1子コメント)

You probably know that, but he's being unreasonable.

Yeah, you're a few months ahead of schedule - but it's a child you're having, not a puppy you're picking up at the pound! Things won't always go according to plan, and that's okay. What if it takes you years to get pregnant again after that? What if you have twins... or triplets?

It's also a lot of stress to put you through, both mentally and physically, to get an abortion just months before being pregnant again.

I think the important question is does he really want children at all?

[–]sporksmakemyday[S] 56 ポイント57 ポイント  (0子コメント)

We had the conversation about kids early on in our relationship. It was a deal breaker for me not wanting them and he has always said he wants them. We've talked about them often in the subsequent years from names to parenting ideology. I am wondering if the reality of children scares him now that it isn't just a concept but real. I see a lot of people pointing out the stress on my body in doing this. That isn't something I've brought up with him but it needs to be. Thank you.

[–]nkdeck07 161 ポイント162 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Couples counselor and now. I really really think you are gonna resent him for your entire life if you abort this kid. My husband and I are actively where you guys are right now with going to a less effective method of birth control in preparation for having a kid but our joint motto the entire time was "if this accidentally happens early then no biggie". I don't even think I'd want to stay married to him if that was his reaction.

I mean you can really easily raise a baby in a 2 bedroom apartment. Maybe just talk to him about adjusting other timelines? Like buy a house while you are still pregnant so you are set when the baby comes. Or talk about delaying the house until the kid is a year.

I think he's really set on putting all the blame on you and you cannot let him.

I'd try and figure out how much of this is panic about becoming a father vs actual concerns of trying to raise a baby in an apartment (which might be more easy to address)

[–]lanatlas 15 ポイント16 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I didn't exactly come at an optimal time. My mom moved across the country with me when I was three weeks old and my dad shortly after, after packing up the house. Moving with a baby is harder, but it can be done. I don't really see it as a reason to abort, particularly when there are reservations about aborting.

[–]kaffee_bitte 220 ポイント221 ポイント  (27子コメント)

He's probably scared. If you're planning on trying to have kids within a few months anyway then I don't understand. He wants you to have an abortion but get pregnant again before your current due date? I'm pro choice but that is a lot to put your body through.

I found out I was pregnant (completely by accident) while my boyfriend and I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment. We both always said we wouldn't keep an accidental pregnancy because we weren't financially stable enough. Once I knew I was pregnant I had to keep it. We saved up and bought a house before she was 4 weeks old. She is amazing and I love her more than anything.

[–]sporksmakemyday[S] 74 ポイント75 ポイント  (22子コメント)

That's correct. We were going to try to get pregnant in the fall so although a surprise, I can't wrap my mind around aborting something we want. I'm struggling with his reasoning too. I know I will love this child and I'm sure he will too. I think he's struggling to wrap his mind around such a huge life change.

[–]nkdeck07 92 ポイント93 ポイント  (12子コメント)

In the fall? As in less then a 2ish months away?

Does he realize there's a non-zero chance that aborting could also goof up your fertility for a bit so delaying could be for 6 months or a year?

[–]lordperiwinkle 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (11子コメント)

I bet he does know this, and is counting on it. You know what I think? I think somewhere along the line Hubby decided he wanted to be child free but did not have the guts to be honest with OP. Then, he became completely irresponsible, and insisted on no condoms. What the bloody hell was he playing at? This back-and-forth is so wrong, so manipulative, so down right mean.

[–]lumberjerky 15 ポイント16 ポイント  (8子コメント)

Dude, simmer. People react to big news in different ways.

[–]lordperiwinkle 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (7子コメント)

I'm not a dude, and don't tell me to simmer. OP's husband is a turd and her marriage is a loss. He insisted on not wearing a condom just weeks before they agreed to begin trying to conceive. Now he is treating his wife like shit and is asking her to abort a baby she wants. The fact she got pregnant should not be big news to him. It is what often happens when you have BC-free nooky.

[–]lumberjerky 13 ポイント14 ポイント  (3子コメント)

He's freaking out. Yes, he made a dumbass mistake, but he is human. He is focused in on "What does this mean for my life?" Sometimes it takes time to get to, "What does this mean for us?" The point of this post was to give constructive advice to OP, not to put down and belittle the man she loves, even if he is not acting rationally.

[–]tectonicus 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (1子コメント)

First, he made a mistake. Now, he is hurting someone he is supposed to love. Every day, every moment that he acts this way, he is choosing to hurt his wife instead of behave like a grownup.

How many chances should he get before someone calls him on his selfish, childish, mean behavior? I mean, I would expect better behavior from a one-night stand, let along a 30-something committed husband who had already gotten on board with pregnancy. He isn't meeting the basic standards of human decency. And this is only the beginning of pregnancy - it only gets harder from here.

What will he do when someone needs to chance the baby's diaper ten times per day? Or wake up at 3 AM after having already woken up at midnight and 1:30? Will he be a good partner when someone has to stay home with a sick and vomiting kid for the third day in a row? How will he treat his 5-year-old kid who wants to play a game with him after a long day of work? Or the 2-year-old who peed on the floor? Children can be delightful, but they also require a serious time commitment, and a willingness to be unselfish and patient and tolerant. If he falls apart now, under the least provocation, it does not bode well for his future as a parent.

I say, they need couple's therapy, and if he doesn't improve, separation.

[–]lumberjerky [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I just meant that she married the man, meaning she loves him. Don't drag him through the mud. Their relationship definitely needs some work, so I agree completely with couples therapy.

[–]lordperiwinkle 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

An adult in his thirties does not get to freak out like this. He cannot plan to make a baby with his wife, discuss it for years with her in advance, help think up names for this future child, insist on unprotected nooky with his wife, then, when she becomes pregnant a mere two months before his rigid schedule, become emotionally abusive and insist that she get rid of a baby she wants. He is the one who threw caution to the wind, not her. He is punishing her for his act. Demanding someone abort a child is not a "dumbass mistake". They already discussed what having a baby meant for them and he was on board.

I AM giving constructive advice. She should 1. Dump the shitty husband. 2. Raise her baby. 3. Have a happy life unencumbered by a weaseling, unhelpful, selfish, manipulative, immature man-child who wants to play video games instead of being a real adult. I can't belittle a person who is already behaving in such a small minded and immature manner. He has already belittled himself.

[–]rahvin2015 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (1子コメント)

That's an awfully severe analysis given a few paragraphs of text and no actual input from the other party. It's perfectly normal to attribute behaviors to enduring personality traits rather than the more simple result of circumstance, but that attribution is rarely accurate. It's far more likely that hubby is freaking out and scared and that their relationship is still very much salvageable. Cold feet happen all the time, and they don't mean it's time to find a divorce lawyer. What's really needed is honest communication between the pair, which admittedly can be very difficult when one party may be afraid to admit his real feelings to his wife or even himself.

[–]lordperiwinkle 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Really? You think a guy demanding his wife get an abortion after she gets pregnant mere weeks before planned is mere cold feet? You point out that what is needed is honest communication, which is exactly what he did not do. In the abstract he was willing to play along with his wife's baby planning. But faced with the reality he is back tracking on his promises. He is trying to force her into an abortion, which she does not want, and she wisely realizes that if she has one she will not feel the same way about her marriage. Sadly, she already DOES feel different about her marriage because he is betraying her. His real feelings are obvious: he wants to play video games and he does not want to parent, and his timetable is just an excuse. He has broken a trust and if she stays with him she will always be on her guard. If she keeps the baby she will wonder about his feelings for her and the child, and if she aborts to please him she will always have grief and resent him as the cause of that grief. This marriage is most likely over, and if not, it should be.

[–]AskewPropane 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Commenter obviously meant dude in the gender neutral way, so please, simmer down a bit :)

[–]Korn_Bread 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (1子コメント)

You just extrapolated a secret motive and are now judging him for it. You're crazy.

[–]lordperiwinkle 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I am judging him on his emotional cruelty, his immaturity, his dishonesty, his irresponsibility, his blaming her, utter lack of feelings for her.

[–]thepopulargirl 27 ポイント28 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Please talk to him. My husband wanted our baby for years before it happened, but when I got pregnant he couldn't talk for 3 days. Some people need time to adjust. I'm pro choice but to abort a baby for such a non important reason hurts my heart.

[–]lordperiwinkle 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Fall is less than two months away. He should not be having trouble getting his head around this. It was in your plans anyhow. He should think of it as beginning a project a bit earlier than anticipated.

If this was my life, I would drop a partner for pulling this shit so damned fast. I bet if you do abort he would pull this crap again in the future. He is abusing you emotionally. Please do not abort the baby, but if necessary, abort the marriage.

[–]rahvin2015 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Exactly how easy do you believe divorce is? I'm not talking legally either. My first marriage was a mess and deciding to divorce was still among the hardest decisions of my life. My current wife would need to do a lot more than getting cold feet over a significant life change to make me call the divorce lawyer again. I love my wife, and I imagine OP loves her husband. "Dump him is not constructive advice, it's the relationship equivalent of the Internet Tough Guy, posturing to demonstrate superior outrage rather than trying to provide the advice requested.

[–]lordperiwinkle 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You are correct in saying divorce is a difficult thing, and it should not be done lightly. But do you know what is harder than divorce? Trying to make a marriage work when your spouse is actively working against your happiness, and is being emotionally abusive. I am not trying to be an "internet tough guy", I am giving the best advice possible.

He is angry with her for being pregnant and he is the one who insisted on no condoms. This shows how self-centered he is. He is demanding his wife undergo a painful operation, one that will cause her emotional harm, might very well muck up her fertility for a time. One that she absolutely does not want.

If she stays with him and keeps the baby she will always wonder about him. Does he love the baby? Does he really love her? Will he use her keeping the baby against her in the future? Will he poop out on her again in times of life change?

If she has an abortion she will think about this for the rest of her life. This will be a festering sore in her marriage and a thing in her heart she will hold against him whenever they have trouble. She will recall with great clarity that he refused to wear condoms and then became angry with her for conceiving a baby. A baby that was planned for the very near future anyway.

He lied to her about wanting a kid, and maybe (not likely) he lied to himself, too. Don't think for a moment that come September he is going to flip a page on the calendar and tell her it is NOW time for them to start a family. He will not. He will always have some excuse why they should not have a baby. He is child free, she is not and this is always a deal breaker.

You are the one not thinking clearly on this. It is during times of life change in a marriage when maturity and compassion are most needed and he is incapable of being either mature or compassionate. Just think: He is not speaking to her, is not wanting to listen to her talk about the baby, is not willing to reach out to her during a time that should be one of the happiest in their lives. He is making what should be a time of happily planning for a future child into one of misery. And you think this is mere cold feet? It is not. It is a break in trust so deep that it is going to cause life long scars no matter what she decides. She should get out of the marriage asap, and not look back.

[–]tudytoo 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Sounds as if he isn't ready for a child whenever that may be and that his refusing to wear protection put you at fault...Your choise is to carry your child now or abort...and start a different pregnancy in 3 months .If you chose the latter ..he may up the ante on why a longer wait would suit him better...

[–]lordperiwinkle 13 ポイント14 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Why kill this baby? An abortion is hard on a body, it will probably take longer than 3 months to recover. And what is to guarantee that Hubby will be willing to parent in 3 months? He will pull this shit again. He wants to be child free. When it was just talk he was on line, now, faced with reality he is backing out. Well, too bad for him. His penis was involved. This amounts to backing out on an agreement. She should dump him and keep the baby that she wants. Being pro-choice means having a choice whether to keep the baby or not and OP stated clearly she wants this baby. Now that he has shown what a lying, manipulative, insulting person he can be I would not trust him further than little piggies can hop.

[–]snickers_snickers 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

On the off chance she can even get pregnant in three months. It can take a long time to normalize after an abortion, miscarriage or pregnancy.

[–]JeanJacketBandit 8 ポイント9 ポイント  (0子コメント)

It sounds like you want the baby, so you have to explain these things to him as well. I don't think it is fair at all to the child either to be aborted. I do believe you can be happy with this child, you seem financially stable and you have been together a very long time. Please consider talking to him and I am against aborting the baby at all times.

[–]kaffee_bitte 123 ポイント124 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your husband is not thinking of your health (mental and physical), and that's shitty.

[–]lordperiwinkle 19 ポイント20 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Scared? Then shame on him for being a coward, and an unsupportive one at that. This guy made plans to have a child with his wife, then refused to do his part in the timing of conception all because he does not like wearing condoms. How immature and selfish can one man be?

[–]kaffee_bitte 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

To be clear, I agree with you.

[–]dchristensen509[🍰] 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I agree he's definitely scared or nervous. Reality of being pregnant is much different than discussing plans to try to have a baby in the future. But yeah he's being a dick.

Maybe you should bring him along to planned parenthood or whatever and have the doc/NP explain the process of an abortion and then he would realize how shitty that would be for you and all the other consequences. Not sure how this would play out, but I'm just throwing out an idea.

[–]ssshakedownnn 97 ポイント98 ポイント  (11子コメント)

I just had an abortion- 7/5/17. I was in the same boat as you. While not officially ready per my husband and my plan- I was happy and husband jumped directly to abortion. Here is my personal outcome via your questions:

*What if I feel different about him after I abort? - I cant look at my husband the same way anymore. I have a lot of hatred towards him for his unwillingness to discuss potential future outcomes upon first learning of the pregnancy. He was scared and jumped straight to the abortion option. I accepted this decision because I didn't want to try to care for a baby alone. *What if we are unable to get pregnant after this? Although slim, it is a risk. Not to mention potential injury to your body from the abortion procedure and potential reactions to anesthetics. *What if this makes me depressed? I am beyond depressed. My soul is dead and I'm mentally checked out of life. I need to seek help for sure, but I don't feel ready to talk about everything. *What if I can't look at him the same way? Everyone is different. My husband was completely non-supportive throughout the process. He was my driver the day of the procedure but he left while I was being worked on. He didn't help with anything at home (needing help to move from abdominal pain, help with ibuprofen, emotional support- I was alone). Long story short, this changed our relationship, changed how I feel about him, and removed any trust or confidence I had in him as a person. *What do I say to him? Follow your heart and intuition. You know in your soul what you want.

Post abortion I can say it was an ok decision because now I know I don't want to be with my husband anymore and I wouldn't have wanted a baby to tie us together in the future. If you guys had planned to have one relatively soon, and have the financial means, the only real hiccup now is childcare and child-rearing expenses to be budgeted for on the way to your home owning goal. I don't feel that that is a valid reason to abort- for convenience; because it is a human and when you see it for the first time on an ultrasound monitor moments before you have it removed from your body you need to know its the right decision for you.

Sorry for the wall of text. I hope that I could offer at least a perspective/opinion from the other side of the abortion option.

[–]phyllis_the_cat 37 ポイント38 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I don't have any advice, but just want to say that I hear you and your pain. I hope you find the peace and help that you need.

[–]ssshakedownnn 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to say so. I hope so as well.

[–]samd_man123 18 ポイント19 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm very sorry to hear that you went through that experience alone. That is awful. But I am happy to hear that you will not be staying with this person. He sounds like a huge asshole. Best of luck to you in the future. You will be way better off and happier in the long run.

[–]ssshakedownnn 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you. It has been awful to say the least. It's interesting how we learn about a person's true character when working through difficult times. I couldn't have know without this event. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

[–]A_Human_Or_Dancer 13 ポイント14 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Your honesty is beautiful. I am so sorry that you went through such a lonely experience, but you have a heart of gold. Stay strong, and when you feel able, please reach out for the help you need. You don't have to go through healing alone.

[–]ssshakedownnn 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you. Your kind words make it alot more bearable. I hope my experience can help OP come to a solid decision that's right for her.

[–]Angry_Ram 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. You seem like a very strong person and I wish you all the best for the future.

[–]ssshakedownnn 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I am learning what strength is now. Thank you for your sympathy. It makes me feel better to have support from this sub.

[–]nine_t_nine 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm sorry for your loss.

[–]lumberjerky 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad that you at least can see the silver lining in that you won't have a baby tying you together. You're in my thoughts and well wishes. OP, this is probably about the best post you can read here. It might be hard to accept, but it needs consideration.

[–]ssshakedownnn 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you for your kindness. I can also say that I feel good about my donation to science. Maybe my baby will help in researching for cures for the betterment of humanity.

[–]LietusRain 64 ポイント65 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Your husband is acting like a huge jerk about this. He wants to have carefree sex without a condom, but now is suddenly upset you are pregnant? Does he think this is somehow your fault or you did it on purpose? I genuinely don't understand. Frankly, I'm not sure if I would want to have a baby with someone who treats me that way or who values video games over our potential family. But that's just me. And the fact that he doesn't care at all what this does to your body? That's just a slap in the face in my opinion.

[–]zandefloss 25 ポイント26 ポイント  (0子コメント)

8 months is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. You're not a baby vending machine who delivers exactly on schedule. How will you feel if you abort and in 8 months time, you cannot get pregnant again? Babies are not guaranteed at all, never mind to schedule.

[–]084runnerltd 180 ポイント181 ポイント  (13子コメント)

Are you serious?!? "Aborting" because it is a few months too soon and might be an inconvenience for you?

(I am prepared for the down-votes, but this is just crazy)

[–]sporksmakemyday[S] 72 ポイント73 ポイント  (12子コメント)

I'm upvoting. I need to hear that he is being irrational. I need to know that I'm not silly for wanting to keep this child.

[–]B_Reasonable[🍰] 53 ポイント54 ポイント  (0子コメント)

As a man I think he's being an insensitive asshole and I hope for your sake that this is a temporary freakout and he will come to his senses.

[–]Mistikas 20 ポイント21 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I don't think you're being silly. This is a pregnancy that is, what, 2-6 months ahead of schedule?

I do agree with some other posters that your husband might be panicking because "being a parent" has gone from a nebulous idea that'll be sometime in the future to being real now.

There is also the issue that a pregnancy could interfere with a house move in terms of logistics. You won't be able to carry as much stuff, you might be physically exhausted easier or on medical orders for bed rest or light exercise. Any plans for renovations or decoration might likewise have to be delayed, either because you're less able to do so or because it's best to limit exposure to things (e.g. solvent-based paints).

So I can understand his worry and concern somewhat in that way, and I'd hope given some time and open discussion that things become more settled.

[–]lordperiwinkle 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He is being beyond irrational. He is being abusive.

[–]Jrob78 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He is being irrational and you are not silly for wanting to keep the child. To abort a baby simply because it's a few months earlier than you had planned is asinine to me. I truly hope your husband comes around on this.

[–]DrunkUpYourShut 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You are absolutely not being silly. You want this baby. Don't abort it. No one should be forced to keep a baby they don't want, not even if its their husband. No one should be forced to abort a baby that they do want (I wish it was never medically necessary), not even if its their husband.

This is coming from someone who has an intense fear of his wife getting pregnant, because I'm aware of the possibility of her being seriously injured or dying. And I couldn't live if she were gone. But I would never force her to abort her-- our-- baby.

[–]084runnerltd 15 ポイント16 ポイント  (6子コメント)

(My disclaimer, I am pro-life, except in the crazy situations: rape, incest, etc.... So my view will be a little jaded.). You hubby is just scared, doesn't want to be a daddy so quickly....it's not going "how he pictured it."

Think about it, I mean really think about...deciding whether to abort or not based on something like "this is a little earlier than we thought" is pretty ridiculous.

Obviously, kids are a huge responsibility, however, you can always find reasons not to have them....my wife and I did. ("Wait til we were out of debt, wait til we have a big enough house, wait til work settles down."

Fast forward 10yrs, we are both 36 now and my wife and I have been trying for 2.5 years...seen specialists, done all the tests, paid too much money. We have one more "attempt" coming up, if this one fails, like the last 2, there is nothing more this doctor can do to help us.

Things happen that aren't planned, dealing with it and taking responsibility, are the right thing to do (imho).

I can't imagine (again, this is my opinion) telling friends, "We were pregnant but we had an abortion, we want to wait a few months til the holidays are over." (Or some other trivial reason).

Again, not trying to shove my views down your throat, just my opinion.

Best of luck, I am not a very active redditer, but going to follow this thread!!

[–]lordperiwinkle 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (4子コメント)

I want to say that incest IS rape, just interfamilial rape.

[–]AlyssaJMcCarthy 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Well, no, you can have consensual incest. I'd agree that parents sleeping with their children is usually rape and at the very least coercive, but something like consensual sibling incest is probably not.

[–]lordperiwinkle 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Having sex with a child is rape whether the rapist also happens to be a parent, stepparent, grandparent, uncle aunt, cousin, or any other relation. As for siblings, don't kid yourself, a pile of that is also coercive.

[–]PazJohnMitch 48 ポイント49 ポイント  (2子コメント)

You can easily look after a baby in a 2 bed flat. (Well as easy as looking after a baby normally is).

I think about 3yrs is when you should be moving to somewhere bigger.

[–]samesongnewverse 21 ポイント22 ポイント  (0子コメント)

We have 2 small children in a spacious 1br right now. It isn't like babies need 200 sq ft to themselves.

[–]lumberjerky 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You probably won't want to have the baby in the second bedroom for the first several months anyway. If OP has room in the master bedroom for a bassinet, they can certainly handle a baby in the apartment. It has been said several times, but it sounds like the husband is just having second thoughts about having a baby in general.

[–]BristlyCat 46 ポイント47 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Ultimately it's a decision only you can make, but... yeah, I'd keep it, of course, since you want it. He's being really immature and insensitive. An abortion can be a very emotionally traumatic thing, it's a big deal that will affect you more than it affects him and is not something to take lightly. And imagine how much you'd resent him if you could never get pregnant again.

I wonder how he is really feeling. This can't just be about the timing. Is he going through a temporary freak-out because he's scared to become a dad? Has he suddenly realised he doesn't want kids after all? It would be useful to know where he is emotionally. I guess there's a chance you might have to parent this baby alone. Would you still want it in that case?

(Edit: lots of people here saying they're "pro-choice" but that in this case they would not respect you if you chose to abort. Fuck that. Pro-choice = either choice is okay, it's your body so do what makes you happy.)

[–]Angry_Ram 34 ポイント35 ポイント  (1子コメント)

To your edit: I am pro choice because I think all women should have to possibility to get out of a pregnancy they do not wish, that does not mean that I have to agree with every abortion out there. I still value life and the idea that someone would want to throw away a life (or at least the potential for a life) this easily because it's slightly inconvenient galls me. I didn't come at the perfect time for my parents either (in fact, most children don't) and my parents raised me in a 2 bedroom apartment until I was six years old.

What bothers me the most is the way op's husband seems to treat her. He didn't want to wear a condom and now he blames her that she is pregnant and pushes for an abortion? If I were in op's shoes I would be out of that relationship faster than he can spell abortion.

[–]samd_man123 15 ポイント16 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I agree. I think there is a lot of overlooking of the husbands actions, and honestly not wanting to wear a condom and then blaming the OP for the pregnancy is a red flag as far as I'm concerned. He seems to lack the maturity to even be a parent at this point. I understand being scared of parenthood and not wanting to lose his video game time ( which is another red flag) but he was the one who refused to wear a comdom. Yes, for that responsibility should be taken on both sides but he shouldn't be making his wife feel like shit for the pregnancy. I personally could not be with a man like this. And OP, the ultimate decision is yours. Do what your heart tells you. Odds are, he will come around. And if he doesnt, just know that everything always works out in the end.

[–]never_ready 47 ポイント48 ポイント  (0子コメント)

It sounds like he's being a complete dick to be honest. I had an abortion in May and it was 100% the right choice for me, however it sounds like you actually want the pregnancy. Plus you're planning on getting pregnant in a few months? I mean, the timing might not be perfect but IMO it doesn't make sense to have an abortion only to intentionally get pregnant a few months later.

Not only would that be a lot to put your body through but it would be a lot emotionally too. I wanted my abortion, I don't even want kids ever, but it was still emotional for me.

Bottom line is that YOU know what's best for you. It sounds like you want to go through the pregnancy and if that is the case you absolutely should.

[–]crittybobitty 21 ポイント22 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I am pro-choice and this doesn't seem like your choice. IMO I don't think you should abort. I think you need to talk to your husband and discuss the way he's acting isn't supportive. Also, you need to keep in mind that aborting may make it more difficult for you to get pregnant again in a short amount of time that you were wanting. If you want a baby in 8 months anyway you should just have the baby.

Overall, it needs to be YOUR choice, it's your body and if you have doubts then I really don't think you should.

[–]silverkeys 22 ポイント23 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Refusing to use condoms when you wanted him to and insisting on an abortion when you're pregnant only a few months sooner than planned? Sounds like a decent part of your next conversation with him needs to include respect for your body. You alone are having to bear the physical consequences of what he wanted/wants. Point it out to him.

[–]lunaticlola 42 ポイント43 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Talk to him. Something about this pregnancy is bothering him and it isn't the timing. He has either changed his mind about having kids or thinks that there's some master plan involved where you and this baby ruin his life. Either way, he isn't showing you much respect by asking you to abort and then pretty much giving you the silent treatment became you didn't jump to it.

[–]HeyCrashley 16 ポイント17 ポイント  (0子コメント)

What's the difference between now and a few months? He knew you off BC and actively chose not to wear a condom, what did he think would happen? Did he have control issues like this prior to marriage? Seven years is a long time to hide that but still. A baby is a big deal so maybe he's in fight-mode. Don't do it because you think it will save your marriage, you'll resent him.

[–]michelle_indeed 15 ポイント16 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Hmm.. I would be having second thoughts about him all together if I were in your shoes.

Let's abort this baby because i didnt want to wear a condom but we can get pregnant again in 5 months. That is pretty ridiculous and asking way too much.

He is going to resent this baby and there is a chance you'll be raising it on your own with him right beside you.

If it was me I would say baby and i are a package deal. It's US or nothing. Be prepared to start packing.

[–]a_man_in_the_world -3 ポイント-2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You sound like a reasonable and equality-driven person.

[–]Mmedical 14 ポイント15 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I would echo what others have pointed out. Just because it was so easy to get pregnant once does not automatically mean it will be easy the second time.

You two have a near ideal circumstance including the desire to start a family. Apartment living may not be exactly what was envisioned but certainly doable. The child will not be aware of her surroundings for years.

When there is a disporportionate reaction to an event, often there is more underlying it. I would encourage you to back off the abort/move forward question for a minute. Try sitting down with him and talk about his feelings about being a parent. What is so magical about 8 months? If you learn anything by being a parent, it's that it is not about you. You have to be flexible and go with the flow.

[–]BloviatingAssclown 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (4子コメント)

If you're already in a good place where you can afford a house, then I would tell him that you can both go and speak to a real estate agent immediately and have a place for the kid by the time it's born. Not everything in life goes perfectly according to plan. I have no problem with abortion but if you don't want to and you're basically already on track with the plan that you two had, I really see no reason.

[–]sporksmakemyday[S] 15 ポイント16 ポイント  (3子コメント)

We're already on contract with a realtor and actively searching. Downpayment is ready and everything. That's what frustrates me with him. It's almost like there isn't a really good reason to not go through with this. I'm frustrated but ready to stand my ground and say no to him on the abortion. I don't want it and its illogical to do it and then try to get pregnant a few months down the road.

[–]dankwookiee 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (0子コメント)

We moved across country, my wife was 8 months pregnant (not planned, not prevented). Job circumstances, we did what we had to. Picked up an apartment, had the baby, was unemployed a couple months later, lived unemployed a couple of months (credit cards... Ouch... ) Got a job, and moved to another apartment with a six month old because where we were was terrible with maintenance and apartment quality.

Edit: forgot to add why I put those details in - because it was stressful and terrible in many ways but we survived and kept going. We had to adapt, and it worked out eventually. Everyone has to adapt some time or another.

If he can't adapt, that is not your problem. Get couples therapy, it can help. If he disagrees with your choice to keep, well, it's not something he exactly has the right to control, is it? He had his chance with the condoms. You sound like you have a pretty good relationship. Being faced with an unplanned pregnancy can be an emotionally difficult situation (I'm a male) and if you can bring him through it and build that together that would be great. But if he's unwilling or noncooperative, you don't have the responsibility to accommodate that. (And when he meets baby, if he's any kind of a good man, he'll wonder what the hell he was thinking. My little girl has made this past year so amazing.)

By the way, quick note to people here saying "I'm pro choice but you shouldn't abort" - that's not ... Phrasing, y'all. In this case, being pro choice means supporting this woman who doesn't want to abort, not saying you're pro abortion with a caveat for this situation. Pet peeve, I know... but it takes a positive expression and puts a dark contrast on it. This woman is having a baby, and that is awesome!

[–]Lostpurplepen 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You two are doing two REALLY BIG ADULT THINGS at one time. Buying a house together is a huge milestone - and one of life's biggest stressors. Ditto on the baby. Your husband is probably freaking out, feeling out of control, possibly scared of the unkonwn, unsure if he is capable of suceeding at all these adult roles.

The world of video games is easy - no mortgage, no diapers, no health insurance premiums. But it is fantasy, not reality.

The only suggestion I could give is have a sit-down, see if he'll voice his real worries, explain the ways you are also scared of this big new chapter, but assure him that you believe in him and your partnership. No new parents have a clue what they are doing - but they get through by leaning on each other, asking for help, and keeping a sense of humor. Marriage, new home, a new kid --- all just a series of adventures.

(Edit: p.s. Consider if you terminate this pregnancy, then are lucky enough to get pregnant later, will you ever look at your existing child and wonder about his/her sibling?)

[–]AfterTowns 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You guys need to talk to a counsellor, now. There's obviously something fucky happening in your husband's head that he's not articulating properly.

My theory is that he was looking forward to a few months of "trying" and is shocked that you fell pregnant so quickly. He's really, really not expressing himself in a loving, supportive manner and is treating you and your body like a fucking baby vending machine. Does he know that abortion can be very difficult physically and emotionally? He's panicked, blaming you and acting very selfish.

Counselling. Please.

[–]pGADT7 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (4子コメント)

My parents did a similar thing, and they aborted...one year later my mom was pregnant with me. And ever since I heard that story, I am absolutely sad. I am a mom as well and got pregnant as soon as I stopped birth control, things were still a bit difficult at that time, since I was about to finish my PhD and also we planned more like becoming parents a few months later. The happiness about the pregnancy gave me lots of power at least in the first few months until I finished the PhD. Please, talk to your husband: there is no need to be afraid. A baby doesn't need that much space in the beginning and life isn't that complicated with a baby if you're relaxed!

[–]sporksmakemyday[S] 20 ポイント21 ポイント  (3子コメント)

I'm going to sit with him today and use some of the points people shared on here to talk with him. I don't want this and the more I read, the more I am sure that he will bounce back from his current fear. He loves me, that I know. Having the child won't ruin our relationship. Going through with the abortion might ruin me.

[–]DaydreamerFly 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Could you update us after? An edit in this thread, a new thread, or even just a reply to this comment. I really want to know how this goes now. Hoping your talk really helps him become more understanding on the matter. I'm glad to hear you are standing your ground, because he is definitely being unbelievably unreasonable, but overall sounds like a good guy who loves you and who had a plan with you. He may just need some time and thought to come to his senses and accept the situation. Hope all goes well.

[–]pGADT7 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wish you much power and luck. Please do report how it went.

[–]Parthenogenetic 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

For whatever it's worth, my SO and I started looking for a house when we expecting our second. Due to some contractual issues, we ended up moving a week after our second was born (a C-section, no less). It all worked out fine.

[–]dally411 8 ポイント9 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm pro choice but in this situation I'm pro smack this guy in the face till he grows up. Don't get an abortion for the convenience of a few months more to stick to a plan. Not worth it. Show him these comments.

[–]CodexAnima 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (0子コメント)

What if you have the abortion now. You can get pregant right on schedule in the fall. And you could STILL have the baby 2 months early in a normal pregancy. His demands are insane.

This are giant red flags. He's panicking now that it's real, not just a maybe. You need to have some counceling together before you decide anything.

[–]itstheshan 29 ポイント30 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Here are some things to consider: If you're planning to be pregnant in a few more months, having the abortion may wreak havoc on your body making it a tad more difficult (in some cases) to conceive again; That right there could wreck a relationship. Also if you abort now, chances are you will never forgive him anyway because of forcing a decision so life changing is hard to get past for a lot of people. My two cents is to keep that baby. Babies most of the time aren't planned, but they are tiny little blessings from the gods. Let your husband be mad, and congratulations on the baby.

[–]columbusdoesmuenster 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm prepared for the downvotes but he is being a petulant child and utterly irrational given the situation described. Keep your baby.

[–]Dejohns2 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Low and behold, we are pregnant for which he wants to blame me despite my warning him that he should put on the condom.

JFC, he blamed you for getting pregnant when he refused to wear a condom?!? Wow!

Get ready for 18-20 years of him blaming other shit on you that's probably his fault as well.

Abort or Keep?

I would abort and divorce. You need to find an adult to raise a child with, preferably one who understands how reproductive biology works.

Edit: Edit to say you should do what's best for you/what you want, but I don't really see this guy being the best partner material. You guys should probably go see a marriage counselor before baby comes so you can create parenting strategies and get on the same page now, as opposed to later.

[–]makemeup_makeup 15 ポイント16 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm extremely pro-choice. Donate to PP every month. I would keep. YOUR body YOUR choice. Not his choice, not anyone else's choice. Your husband is acting like a class A douche. I think y'all should go to some couple's counseling.

[–]=^..^=lvl3uavoperator 8 ポイント9 ポイント  (1子コメント)

So I'm a dude and an avid gamer just gotta put out that disclaimer. Your husband needs to get his shit together. I"m pro choice barley but still think it's your right to choose but he seems to be trying to use an abortion to absolve himself of his own fuck up. Abortions are not a form of birth control and him being uncomfortable with your situation is just straight up bullshit and shows his immaturity. I know what sub I'm in and please do not take this the wrong way but he needs to man the fuck up and take this head on. I'm happy for your future kid and I hope you have a happy marriage. V/R LVL3

[–]Heimlich_Macgyver 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Seconding this as a gamer/guy. Hopefully this is just a temporary freak-out. If not, he needs to grasp that he made a choice for both of you, and now he'll have to accept that it's your turn to do so.

[–]Forever_Jet_Lagged 20 ポイント21 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Explain to him the risks associated with abortions. There is always a possibility you may never be able to get pregnant again- my very good friend ended up needing a hysterectomy after a complication from aborting.

My fiance had this attitude for a very long time. I made it very clear to him he wears a condom or risks being a father everytime he doesn't wear one. He changed his mind when he saw his close friend devastated over the ending of a 10 year relationship... friend's SO was traumatized after an abortion and couldn't continue the relationship.

Please do not get an abortion because it is what HE wants. It is not your fault. He is equally responsible for this child and your health and well being is more important that an 8 month window.

You could always buy him the latest gaming device/game he wants, let him play it for a day, and then take it away shortly after he finds it. Tell him it's "too soon" and you're not ready for him to have it. Maybe in a few months when you're ready.

[–]sporksmakemyday[S] 8 ポイント9 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Thank you...this gives me a bit more confidence going into our next conversation. I need to present this to him in a logical way because I think he will respond to it better. I do think he is suggesting the abortion out of fear of the unknown rather than really thinking about repercussions. He would not want it if it could hurt me.

[–]Forever_Jet_Lagged 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I wish you the best of luck. It's a hard situation to be in. Your health is a priority and he would be stupid to argue over that. Hopefully he will get over this fear and you can both enjoy what the future holds.

[–]yankee_transplant 18 ポイント19 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Your husband is the one doing irreparable harm. If you want the baby, keep the baby. Him forcing you into an abortion you don't want does irreparable harm. Him making you cry like this does irreparable harm. The consequences are entirely his fault.

If he brings it up again, tell him no. Full stop. Either he can go to marriage counseling with you and deal with the real problem, or he can leave and pay child support. He doesn't get to force you to have an abortion.

[–]sporksmakemyday[S] 19 ポイント20 ポイント  (1子コメント)

This is where I am at after reading these comments. Just saying no. I say I worry about the harm it could do to our relationship because I have read stories about women having babies men didn't want. I love my husband, he loves me. When we first talked about this, he was worried I would hate him because he suggested abortion. To me. that says that if I say no to it, he will be there, he will love this kid...even if the timing isn't perfect. He would never force me and he wouldn't leave me. One thing I am sure of is how much he loves me, even if his reaction to this is misguided.

[–]yankee_transplant 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh, good. I misunderstood based on your post. I hope things work out in the best way possible for your family.

[–]chalisa0 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you want to keep the baby, you should keep the baby. It is your body, and your choice. I would be questioning why a man would want you to abort, just because the timing is off by a couple of months. That's not even rational.

[–]6562 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm a guy and he's panicking / being very immature. He was never ready to have a child and did not foresee or accept the consequences of his behavior. Worst case, talk of children was just "lip service" and he never understood or bought into "your plans". Black and white, the only good thing that can happen now is that he grows up real fast and starts embracing the future. Hopefully there is a real man in his life that can knock some sense into him.

[–]Boredincorporated 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Do what you feel you need to do. There's a good chance the relationship is doomed either way.

If you abort you will feel really shitty about it.

If you keep it he will continue blaming you for his failures as a parent.

I am pro-choice, so I have no moral objections.

But I also have 7 biological children that I live with, and could never for a minute imagine my life without every single one of them.

He needs to grow up and accept your decision on this matter. Things will be very difficult either way. FOLLOW YOUR HEART!

Sorry if this came off as harsh, just trying to explain it clearly.

Edit: I'm the dad in my family.

[–]zoning0ut 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I have seen in my family a certain pattern with some men. They are all about having kids, until their wife/girlfriend gets pregnant. Then they start "blaming" her for being pregnant or nitpicking on the timing of the pregnancy.

This is the way they started distancing themselves from having to care for the kid. Then, when the relationship imploded from the stress of father not pulling his own weight, the guys abandoned the family because "he never wanted this kid."

Just be aware. Some men want kids, without wanting to do the work of being fathers. Here is something to talk about: if he continues to be unsupportive and you break up, is he going to be okay with being a single father? Because if you share custody he could end up with a kid every other week, all by himself.

[–]B_Reasonable[🍰] 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I would try to schedule a couples therapy appointment immediately.

[–]SillyLonelyGirl 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think your husband needs to figure out (quickly) whether he actually wants to be a daddy or doesn't. Whatever he needs to do- talk to father figures, r/daddit, therapist, whatever- he needs to do it now. I think his entire attitude since the beginning has been very childish, very silly. I think "oh I'm not ready" is an excuse, and he needs to decide whether he'll never be ready thus doesn't actually want kids or that he'll get ready. He may have never really wanted kids, considered it in an abstract way so that he never actually explored his feelings on it. Now that it's a reality, he doesn't like it.

Definitely need some therapy, either couples or solo, stat. I feel like either option means misery and divorce. So if you're okay with being a single mom, then keep the baby. If not, let it and him go.

Purely anecdotal story. My younger brother was kind of an unwanted baby. My mom wanted us, my dad was only okay with one child and that was only after I'd come out and was cute. (In his defense, he was 19-20.) They made plans to abort my brother, but the morning of, my mom backed out. My parents then stayed together for 18 difficult years before he finally left for good. Now, after leaving my mom, he grew up and became a decent father. But it was a continual thing growing up that he didn't want my brother and it was very painful.

[–]JimmiDog 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Consider keeping your child and dumping your husband.

[–]Rowdy_ferret 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

A few months make little to no difference.

I understand his fear. When I had a positive pregnancy test (after nearly a year of trying) my first thought was "I can't do this".

Take your time, don't make any rash decisions.

[–]supreme-n00b 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wow what a tool. Sorry to hear you are married to him. Well I was about as apprehensive as a man could get and the birth of my child has been the greatest thing ever. This dude will say the same someday. He's just nervous but letting his nerves override his common sense and compassion. Have the kid regardless, even if he has some hissy fit and ends the relationship. When he finally deals with it, he'll be happy it happened and you guys can move on as a family. What a complete fucking baby.

[–]yuliajunkie 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Low and behold, we are pregnant for which he wants to blame me despite my warning him that he should put on the condom.

Welp. Red flag. Sorry girlie.

[–]notfromhere66 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I am pro choice and think that the man is being selfish. Unless, it is hard enough that we are losing our choice when we really need it but when a couple marries, decides yes we want children but only on a certain date and time and in the right location. That is what makes pro choice look bad. You are ready, the questions is, will he ever truly be ready? If he acts like this because of a location, an apt vs a house, those bring up a lot of issues. Owning a house is a HUGE responsibility. Unless you buy brand new he would be pre occupied with fixing stuff up for years most likely, then when are you going to have children. Or will he have time to spend with you and the children? Have it with or without him, it is your choice, he choose not to wear the condoms.

[–]Imalune 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Couples therapy definitely asap. He doesn't understand what he is putting you through. Good luck.

[–]amymcg 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Upvoted and it needs to be higher. This. Right now.

[–]quinnshanklin 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wanting something and getting it are vastly different things. A friend of mine got pregnant and her husband was ecstatic, and really supportive, they seemed like a perfectly happy expecting couple...two months after she gave birth he kicked both her and thier daughter out with no explanation. It's been 6 years and he hasn't seen his daughter since the day they left, not because her mom doesn't want him in her life, she absolutely does, but because HE doesn't want to see her.

Point is: having a kid is scary, and you don't really know how someone will react until it happens. It sounds to me like reality dawned on him and he freaked out. I can't tell you what the right choice is here, you have to decide that for yourself, but it doesn't exactly sound like he's actually ready to have kids yet.

[–]MissRo-time 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Congratulations on being able to conceive!

You are not silly for wanting to keep the child. He was given the opportunity to prevent this and chose not to for the sake of his personal pleasure. That was selfish. Now you are pregnant and the timing isn't convenient for him so he wants you to abort. That is selfish. He knew the reason he needed to wear condoms was because you were going off of your birth control in order to conceive when you both wanted to, which was only a few more months away. Also, you made that choice because of something you both want. Not selfish.

He chose, knowing the possible outcome, not to use the only form of birth control available to both of you as a couple who wanted to be able to get pregnant rather soon for 100% selfish reasons. You did not get yourself pregnant. He got you pregnant by being selfish. Now that it's not a "good time" for you to be pregnant he wants you to abort.

What the ever loving fuck? That is so incredibly wrong!

He needs to accept his fault in this because he is 100% to blame for not engaging in safe/baby-making-resistant practices. You got the condoms and tracked your fertility to avoid getting pregnant. You did your part. He did nothing/ not enough to prevent this effectively. He needs to deal with the consequences of his stupid, shortsighted, irresponsible, SELFISH actions. Without his sperm, that he could have and should have blocked if he didn't want a child right now, this would not have happened.

Abortion is so hard and harsh. You would be giving up the possibility of getting to know your first born. I think you would regret that and resent your husband for the rest of your life. You may also lose your fertility or even die as a result of the procedure. Does he know that? Is he prepared for that? Does he know how much he is asking you to give up for his own selfish whims? Are you sure you really want to have a child with this guy if this is how he treats you? Do you want him to teach your kids that it's okay to treat your partner and supposed great love this way?

Please don't give up on something you both want because the timing isn't right. Especially when that something could grow to be a very special and beloved someone.

The insensitivity of your husband is baffling and I weep for your suffering in this. The choice you are faced with is heart wrenching. I sincerely hope that you and your husband can work this out and that he is able to understand and sympathize with your position.

Pro-people. Make the choice that you can live with, whatever that may be.

[–]SpeshulRach1 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Hey well you should be scared of yourself suddenly losing interest in your husband, throwing a wrench in the relationship or resentment. Those things build and for fucking damn good reasons. You dont let them build by avoiding what makes them come to life and right now its your asshole husbands flippant attitude towards aborting for a extra couple of months free time??? Its ridiculous, he won't speak to his pregnant wife? Doesn't care if she feels like crying all the time? He needs to grow up and youuuuu have to understand hiiiiiiiiisssssss behaviour is completely wrong and disgusting. Which is why i wrote this out.

I also wrote it out because (even though i dont know you) you're very worried and concerned about legitimate things, i want to validate your feelings. That you arnt going crazy and that resentment will take place if an abortion isn't well thought out for a good reason. If he can't provide it and truly refuses to address this soon, i dont know if you want someone so immature about your feelings. I want to apologise for the rant. But i think what i wanted to say is that you have control here, don't feel trapped by your worries. You can absolutely abort or keep it. I know its not what you want to hear but if the relationship does change, you can absolutely leave or stay. You should talk to his parents and your parents, not behind anyones back. Maybe a therapist but i dont think you actually need that until you try to talk more.

Please let us know if you still need more help and support xoxoxo, we all care.

[–]HippieChick777 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Agree with everything. Hopefully your husband is just freaking out and will come around. Someone he respects needs to tell him how immature, selfish, and cruel he is being. Time to man up. A lot of guys "don't feel ready". But they usually end up loving their kids. And if he doesn't grow up, you can always get child support. I am 43. Married for 12 years. Hubby and I put off getting pregnant for financial reasons, then I couldn't get pregnant, and we couldn't afford the fertility treatments. Eventually he decided he was too old for babies, so we divorced. Now it looks like I will never have a baby. I'm pro choice but don't take for granted that you will be able to get pregnant again. If you abort, it will probably ruin your relationship. Then you are single in your 30's. You will have to take the time to find another partner who is willing and able, and by then you will be at higher risk of fertility problems and a whole variety of birth defects and complications. My best advice: have someone he respects tell him how it is. Good luck.

[–]MissRo-time 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yes to all the things you said. Yes!

[–]cuntymckfuckoff 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

This is a big moment of truth, and what you need to focus on right now is not how your husband will react in the future, but how you yourself feel right now. Him pressuring you to get an abortion falls into the 'coercion' category, and if you do go to an abortion provider, that will be a red flag for them. A lot of counseling should ensue at that point, but if it were at my clinic, and you said all this, it would absolutely be flagged as coercion, and since you say you don't want an abortion, we wouldn't feel comfortable giving you one.

So, focus on you. What is best for you? From the above, it sounds like keeping the baby is best. That's what matters. You can't control how your husband is acting now, and you can't control how he acts in the future. You can only do what's right for yourself.

Here's the number for a hotline you can call (we give this to all patients in our clinic): 1-888-493-0092. They're supportive and neutral, and one thing about abortion is that it's a hot-button topic for a lot of people. While in the future couples counseling may be an excellent idea, right now, again, the focus is you. They can help in a way that friends, family, and internet friends/family/strangers may not be able to.

Best wishes to you, no matter what you decide. Big hugs for this hard situation.

[–]shiva14b 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Everything else aside (because it sounds like there's a whole lot more that needs dealing with in this situation)... I truly believe it is ALWAYS better to abort than to bring into the world a child who's existence would be even remotely questionable. As heartless as it sounds, you can get pregnant again.

There are three entities needs to consider here, in no particular order: yours. The childs. Your family unit (you + husband). You can argue for a fourth (your husband), but these are the three that directly effect you and the child. Only you can decide which of these is the highest priority, and how best to serve that priority. Not him, not strangers on the internet. I wish you luck in all of this, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Either way, don't ever let him put his hands on you ever again without him agreeing to some form of birth control. He wraps it up or he deals with the consequences. The idea of a guy refusing to wear a condom and then demanding an abortion makes me literally nauseous.

Edit: i was trying to avoid any kind of commentary and just answer your "keep or abort" question, but the more i read this over, the angrier I get, and the more your husband sounds like a complete piece of shit. How DARE he refuse a condom, then demand an abortion, and then treat you like you're the bad guy. How DARE he. I don't know him, maybe he's the sweetest, kindest man in the world, but I just feel this bodes terribly. You might consider an abortion just so you don't end up unnecessarily tied to him until you get things sorted out. Alternatively, you might consider keeping the baby and losing the husband. It's not ideal, but it is an option.

Of course, I don't know him. If he's anything like my guy, maybe he's wonderful but just freaking out, and needs a little time to cool down before he can really have a rational discussion about it all. My man and I have an incredible relationship that almost came crashing down because -- among other things -- of how poorly he often reacts to serious things. Our marriage counselor pointed out to me "but you said after his initial knee-jerk reaction, he always ends up coming though for you, right? Knowing that, can you excuse the reaction and focus on the results?" And you know what? Our relationship is better than ever now.

But then I keep coming back to that condom thing.

I really do wish you luck.

[–]RoastedRhino 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Only when my wife got pregnant, I realized how lucky we have been. Once you bring this topic up with other couples, you see how many struggle for months, years, or forever, in order to have a baby.

If your husband thinks you can plan pregnancy and parenting by the month, he will be very disappointed in the near future.

Why don't you talk to other couples you know and, without mentioning your current situation, you ask them how did they decide to get a baby?

[–]lizzyborden42 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I can understand his freaking out, but he needs to realize that he is being unreasonable. I am due for induction on Tuesday and I can honestly say in the last couple months as this whole baby thing has become real to me that I have honestly felt that I have made a huge mistake and I am not ready and we aren't where we need to be.... but then my rational self returns and I remember that I want this kid and we did this on purpose even if we thought it would take a few more months to actually get pregnant.

We ended up buying and moving into our first house about a month ago and I wont lie- it was tough on us moving while I was that pregnant. We're there though. We have our house. We have a place for the kid to sleep. Diapers and all that other junk. You guys have time to get where you want to be before the baby is born.

You need to find a way, be it counseling or something else, to get your husband to see that going through an abortion and then trying to get pregnant later would be as rough or rougher on your relationship and you personally as not having the baby arrive according to your perfect time line.

[–]africaleft 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Reassure him that it's ok to be scared shitless. It will change your lives, forever, but being a few months ahead of schedule isn't a good reason to consider that choice in my book. Hell, after 30, fertility becomes more of a crap shoot so you never know if this could be your chance for parenthood...how sad would it be if you did abort and then couldn't get pregnant again later?

[–]an0rexorcist 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Explain the way abortion takes a toll on the body. You won't be able to have sex for a while afterwards. If there are any complications it could leave you infertile. Besides those reasons, it's painful and it's traumatic and no one should have to go through it unless they really don't want to be pregnant. It sounds like the only bad thing about your pregnancy so far is your husbands reaction.

I know you're hurt, but put that aside and ask him: "knowing all the physical risks and pain that an abortion will cause me, why is it the only plan you're comfortable with?" Force him to address his anxiety and explain it to you.

And get couples counseling if he will agree

[–]cool. coolcoolcool.thehelsabot 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Well, my DH and I are TTC right now while living in a 2 bedroom apartment so... I mean you don't need as much space as you think you do? Also, you can move. An apartment isn't forever. I think he is just in shock and you are right to call him out for acting like a child. I can't imagine wanting to abort, then try again later. It can take a long time to conceive so it's pretty fucking amazing when it happens! Seriously, he just needs to grow up. 32 is plenty grown enough to make a baby that you were going to make anyway.

[–]tuki 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your husband is being an insensitive puke. He needs someone who isn't you to give him a good dressing down and bring him to his senses if he doesn't want to lose you. I'm happy to volunteer; I'm plenty pissed off after reading this.

[–]lordperiwinkle 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He is the one being unfair. Keep the baby and ditch the husband is my advice.

[–]JulietteSallaway 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm pro choice, don't want children but if you want his baby, have the baby. You hubby is being pretty insensitive, and it seems like you'd be wasting a perfectly good life for a trivial reason. Life is sacrifice and if your husband can't grasp that, then he has some serious work to do. Ultimately you have to live with the decision either way.

[–]Cureem 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

A baby isn't just something you can just abort so you can just get it again in a few month. It's a human life you are making in your body and can damage you if you abort. You might not even get pregnant again after this. I'm also pro-choice, but abortion should be taken very, very seriously. Not only that, but you both communicated to each other that you wanted a kid and willingly had unprotected sex knowing that you could get pregnant. For him to suddenly back out just because you don't have the house yet is an incredibly stupid reason. I suggest you tell him straight up that you are keeping and having this baby, and that he is irrational.

[–]digihippie 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think one thing everyone could agree on... This decision is yours an none of the government's godamn business either way.

[–]needco 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I got pregnant quicker than expected with my second - first try, found out I was pregnant right around my first's first birthday (21 months apart). It was rougher than it would have been had we waited even 6 months (carrying a toddler while pregnant was less than fun, and my daughter didn't walk til she was over 18 months old), there was a lot of chaos when they were both really young, but whatever, we made it through and I've got two amazing kids.

Sometimes things don't go according to plan - my husband getting laid off when my second was 6 months old falls into that category - but that doesn't mean jumping ship is the best option. You look at your options, you adjust the plan, you work through it, and years go buy and it looks more like a molehill than a mountain.

My guess is your husband is a bit freaked out that possibility is suddenly reality. He's not handling it well, and he's being unfair to you, but sometimes that sort of mess and upset is part of marriage too, and you choose to work through it (or not). How is his relationship with his father/parents? Does he have any close friends who have had kids recently? What sort of expectations does he have for how/when things are going to change?

For the record, my husband is also a gamer, he's managed just fine with a job and two kids. Watching our son play some of his favourite games is something he loves more than I could have imagined.

I am ready for this step in my life, I want this baby

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it's healthy and happy, and I hope your husband can share in the joy with you.

[–]Birds1010 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Wow your husband is a fucking asshole. He "didn't want"t to wear condoms huh? What an immature jackass. Abort or be prepared to be a single mother and consider aborting this relationship as well... And make sure your partners wear protection in the future.

[–]Korn_Bread 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

What about the part where she didn't want to take birth control? It feel like she just partially shifted the blame to him

[–]Birds1010 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah I mean it's definitely both of their faults. But hormonal bc really fucks up a lot of women so I understand that part. They both should have been more responsible with the condoms though.

[–]bluereddit2 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You should follow your instincts. Don't have an abortion because someone else wants you to. Follow your own principles. Good luck.

[–]CatnipFarmer 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

It sounds to me like your husband doesn't want a baby at all and the whole "it's a few months early" thing is just an excuse.

[–]retts75 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

The guys being a cock. He knew the possibility and didnt wanna be responsible. Then wants to blame you cos it's not "exactly how he dreamed". Well baby grow up. Such a dick move and if I were you I'd look at this as a great eye opener as to how this guy will be whenever the chips are down. Neither me not my wife want kids but I'd never once demand she get it taken care of or try guilt and hassle it into her. B*th move and I'd stand my ground if I were you

[–]Mom80085 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your situation may not feel perfect, but it's actually a wonderful one. You're starting a family many steps ahead of most. Having a baby is stressful whether you're fully prepared or not.

[–]Secolla 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Break up with him and keep the baby.

[–]twoxQ 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Financially we are in a pretty good place. We have always had to rule that no babies until we were married and had a house. In anticipation of these things, I went off my birth control in early June expecting I would be like the average woman and it would take a couple months to get pregnant.

Did you discuss this with him when you decided to go off birth control?

Filling in the blanks myself, it sounds like the two of you had talked about this a long time ago, but then later you alone decided there wasn't a need to discuss it since there had been a discussion previously.

If so, I think you should've discussed it before going off birth control. Consent is a continuous process. Circumstances change, people change, and a talk about something you might do later isn't the same as a talk about something you're going to do now.

It was a stupid decision on his part to not use condoms, but to me it sounds like you haven't talked about this enough yet. Worst case, he doesn't want children anymore. And it doesn't matter what time the child is born. If he doesn't want children, then it's not so much about whether you should have an abortion now and trying again later. It's about whether you should have a child with him as the father.

[–]lanatlas 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Aborting is a huge decision regarding your long term emotional health. To me, personally, it doesn't seem right to go through such a potential emotional toll just to try again in a few months.

[–]NymQ 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (9子コメント)

Your husband is talking about getting an abortion as if it was an easy peasy, not life changing event. He needs to realize that he's not talking about deleting a character of his videogames, but is talking about your own health, physical and psychological. Especially considering that you were going to work on it in a few months anyway. An abortion is a life changing event. Of course, every person react to it in a different way, but I can tell you that after 1 year that I was forced to get an abortion I still feel like an assassin, and can't really look in the eyes of who was my SO in the same way. Ps my SO is a gamer too, maybe there's something in their DNA?

[–]Birds1010 -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (8子コメント)

You realize that almost no one regrets their abortion right? And that abortion is 14X safer than pregnancy? I am in total agreement that her husband is an asshole and being really blase about the whole thing but you are spreading a lot of misinformation.

[–]HippieChick777 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Almost no one who wants their abortion regrets it. Op doesn't seem to want it. And going from pregnant to not pregnant actually does fuck with your hormones. It is not nothing. And women really do have trouble conceiving later in life. And they are married and were planning on kids soon. Husband's only argument is a little inconvenience and him not wanting to grow up. I call bullshit. He needs to man up or pay up.

[–]Birds1010 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Having an abortion hardly ever affects fertility. Come on.

[–]HippieChick777 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Never said it did.

[–]Birds1010 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

You said "and women really to have a harder time conceiving later in life" directly after talking about the abortion. And this woman isn't even 30 yet, she easily has a decade or more to have kids.

[–]HippieChick777 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I said if she had this abortion, it would likely ruin her marriage, and she would have to start looking for a partner all over again. Is it going to take another 7 years to be in a position to have kids? And a lot of women past 35 have fertility issues. Why are you even arguing this? She said she wants to keep it. If a woman wants or needs an abortion, I am all in support. This particular woman is being pushed to do something that she doesn't want to do.

[–]NymQ 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I'm not spreading misinformation, I'm telling her what is my own experience, and what were the feelings of women that I talked with, when I seeked their word to know what to expect. Please before to write down something read it twice or thrice. I'm pro abort, but when you have a situation of "I want the baby in 2 months, not now", then we have a situation were abort is treated like candy selling, and not with the due respect that it needs. OP wants the baby. A woman that wants the baby regrets this kind of decision. At least that's what happened to me and to the women that I talked with, which found themselves in a situation similar to mine. If you want to go ahead and spread around your informations do it, but don't come to me and smash empty datas on my face. Your "statistics" that almost no one regrets an abortion means nothing to me, when I deal with the regret every day even after 1 year.

[–]Birds1010 [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Anecdotally you are correct. Statistically however, you are far from it. Which you left out of your original comment.

[–]NymQ [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I don't think so, and anyway you're going off topic here. So what is your conclusion? Are you suggesting to OP to go through an abortion because the husband wants to delay it of 2 months? Because this was the original topic. My answer is: OP wants the baby, and if OP would go through an abortion she is likely to don't go and try for it in 2 months, when the husband "wants it". Abortion here is not a solution

[–]Skystrike7 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I would reccomend keep. If you do not, the decision will haunt you for the rest of your life because you already have stated you have some feelings for the child... I think said child would also appreciate such a decision.

[–]gkiltz 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

No one ever said being a parent was easy. By a loooong shot hardest thing I ever loved!

I am a male who raised a daughter as a single parent after her Mother abandoned her.

I would not be as good a man as I am if I had not really known my daughter.

This person will be be the most important thing in your life.

And you'll like that no matter WHAT happens

[–]temp7542355 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Remind him he literally has 9 whole months before baby arrives. Literally almost an entire year.

His timeline will be just fine. The two of you can find a house, move and then set up the nursery.

[–]sunsailing 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm pro choice but have always known that personally an abortion would weigh to heavily on my mind afterwards. Since having kids this is the case even more.

If you don't want an abortion, I feel it would be a grave error to do it for someone else.

This is going to sound brutal but perhaps if he 'saw' the procedure online, it might give gravity to what he is actually asking of you.

[–]Akitten 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Wow apparently I disagree with pretty much everyone here. If your husband doesn't want the child then having it despite his wishes destroys pretty much all trust in the relationship.

He clearly has second thoughts about having children, especially now, so for the love of god if you want to have a stable family you can't force your husband into this, he has to want the child.

Look, imagine the situation in reverse, you suddenly want to abort and he wants to have the baby. Would it be okay for him to force you to keep and take care of the baby? Hell no, so why is it okay for you to force him to raise a child he doesn't want to raise?

[–]eleochariss 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's not the situation here, though. If he suddenly decided he didn't want children, then I'd agree with you, an abortion would be better.

Here, he says he does want children, but only in two months. Meaning, she should get the abortion, then start trying to get pregnant just two months later. That would be surgery operations just before getting pregnant. And of course, it means aborting their first born and keep the second one... which of course isn't easy psychologically. It doesn't even make any sense - if your baby is two months premature, you still keep it, right?

Now, if he's actually changed his mind and doesn't want children, that's another story; but he needs to state it clearly.

[–]Glatog 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Ignore the haters. I get feeling blindsided by a situation and needing help putting everything into perspective. Unbiased opinions help when they're is so much emotion. They can give you different perspectives to help you step back and assess the situation. Just remember to breathe, stay calm and focused as you talk to your husband. The two of you will find your way, together.

[–]queliemelme 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Totally agree with everybody else saying you need to get to the root of his reaction. I'm sure you know that. I just wanted to add my own housing experiences when reproducing.

We moved from a one bedroom into a 2 bedroom apartment when pregnant with our first. A 2 bedroom apartment was more than adequate. Then I got pregnant with twins a month after our first turned one. We were trying, but didnt expect it to happen immediately or for it to be twins. We panicked, then bought a house. We moved in while I was 7 months along and the twins were born a bit over a month later. It sucked (and our house is still half decorated and put together), but believe me, it can be done.

Hey, if you want THIS baby, I think that's a heavily weighted factor. Good luck.

[–]IIMEIPII 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He needs to understand that running away from the issue and blaming you is doing nothing good. To add onto it, his behavior is a huge red flag for you and your child if you keep the pregnancy. I wouldn't be surprised if his attitude ruins your marriage. He should be communicating with you, not bashing and ignoring you.

Women have homed their newborns in ONE ROOM apartments before and they dont require a lot of space. However, I dont blame the preference to wait until you have a house. Also, you can always move during your pregnancy. I don't recommend moving after giving birth because newborns sap the soul out of you in the first year. You will be too tired to want to deal with the moving process.

Consider what is best for you in the long run. You should not sacrifice yourself on this decision, because you will end up sacrificing the most in the end of all of this. I wish you the best of luck!

[–]kylablythe1 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He is 100% being unreasonable and unfair to you. He knew what would happen if the two of you didn't wear a condom, and it seems like he doesn't want to take responsibility for that, even at the expense of your physical and mental health.

[–]TeslaApe 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Many guys, including myself, have or had a hostile initial reaction to a first pregnancy. It upsets the apple cart.

In my case I had a positive dream about our new addition a few days after the test results. Hopefully your husband will come around as well. Children are a blessing.

TL;DR: ignore his initial reaction. Gently cajole him for a few weeks.

[–]pluslinus 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Aaaaappletini

[–]Kaasmaster 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think I know what is going through this poor mans mind right now Oh fuuuuck ohhhh fuck I mean I wanted a kid but why now I am not ready what am I going to do I didn't get the house how do I raise a kid in this tiny ass apartment or even beter how do I raise a kid to begin with I mean I couldn't even put on a BLOODY condom let alone raise a kid ah fuck okay house start with the house I need to get the money together within a few months with me and my wife's paycheck that would be OH FUCK my wife is also pregnent during this I also need to care for her ehm help but who I am just not ready can we just please abort it at this point he puts all his hopes in this option because to him it is the only option that givis his children a good upbringing

[–]TifaCloud256 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I believe you guys need some counseling like other people have mentioned. Something I haven't seen mention much is this, being able to conceive is not always a guarantee and the older you get the harder it is. If he is wanting to wait just a few months then try again to risk all the side effects and the emotional trauma is not worth it. Best of luck.

[–]gilwen0017 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Does "DH" stand for "Da Husband"?

[–]Dexterus 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He's scared and was probably caught off-guard. You should have a real talk with him now about wanting children, and if even in a few months he thinks he'd be ready, or is it just "sometime in the future".

As long as there was no actual baby in the loop, "soon" works, once it's real, "soon" might mean "do I ever really want children in the following few years?".

I think he may not be ready for children in the near future, maybe in a few years but I don't think for him even "in the fall" would have been a good time.

[–]Autodidact2 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I think if you are ambivalent or even more, do not want an abortion, you should not have one. This will have serious consequences for your marriage and possibly life, bit IMO it is important enough to take a stand.

[–]aithne1 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Keep. Putting yourself through an abortion because this happened a few months ahead of what he hoped is insane. I can't believe he'd be so irredeemably selfish as to ask it of you. If his loss of gaming time is the reason, maybe you all need to explore the possibility that this might be less of a hobby and more of an addiction that he needs to seek help for. Demanding you undergo a major medical procedure so he can get a few more months with his console is not normal or healthy.

[–]Notgonnadoittoday -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Don't throw away one just to have another a few months later, be happy and go for it.

[–]angry_pecan 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

As someone who's had multiple miscarriages and wanted to wait until marriage (I did, and got a MC on my first anniversary), screw waiting for the house. Your kid won't care if they live in an apartment.

There is no ideal time to have a kid and you can always buy a house; you can't always have a baby. Plus, there's no guarantee you'd get pregnant easily or at a "good time" in the future. It could take 5 years or happen right away; nobody knows.

I think if you abort you will regret it since this is something you want, just earlier than planned.

[–]ArtificialExistannce -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I think the both of you are being irresponsible, in both the lack of protection, as well as the arguing. Effectively being immature.

Get to a counsellor ASAP or find a way for the both of you to discuss this, it's no good posting here. Only you guys can make it work.

[–]chadder_b -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Standard disclaimer that I am a male, new-ish father to an 8 month old, and I will stand with the pro-life side of things, however I'm not one to judge or degrade the other side.

My wife and I had a similar plan. Except we weren't living in a great apartment (renovated house, downstairs neighbors smoked like a chimney) so we agreed to wait until we also owned our own house.

That time came, she went off her birth control. We planned and tracked fertility and all of that pre-pregnancy things.

I can tell you that even 8 months after my baby was born, I'm still not ready to be a parent. I still don't know what I'm doing, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

You and your husband may never be ready, and the timing might never be right, but IMO it worth it in the end and all the anxiety and stress melts away when you get to hold your own baby for the first time.

[–]yellowzebra2017 -4 ポイント-3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You're forgetting a third option....there are many many couples who cannot have children that would give your baby a very happy home. Before you say that's something you can never do....You couldn't give your baby a happy life with two people that really want it but you could abort it? :(

[–]reformedbiker -2 ポイント-1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Don't abort. Tell your husband to be a man and care for his family which as of now includes two people besides himself. Also be prepared for an enormous amount of guilt he will feel when he first meets his child. That's going to be hard to handle.

[–]NataRenata -2 ポイント-1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He's a selfish child. Don't abort, you'll regret it if you do.

[–]knot_city -2 ポイント-1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

It seems like a pretty callous reason to end what will be a human life for the sake of a few months of inconvenience, no offense to your husband.

I think perhaps you already know you would regret this.

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